Old people are often expected to park themselves in rocking chairs, having gathered all the wisdom of youth and middle age, and stay there quietly. They’re expected to fade peacefully into the background of life as their hair greys and years of gravity has its way with their bodies. Some believe the elderly should just live out what’s left of their lives resting and reminiscing, but these old folks say "screw that" and keep right on living and doing as they please for as long as they’re with us. Viva old folks!
Here are 15 golden-agers who say whatever they want on social media and do what they want out in the real world. They keep on keepin’ on and for that we honor them for being savage AF.
15 Facebook, Google—same diff
This dad, David D, knows how to get what he wants. He follows that old adage here that if you ask a question enough times, someone will become so frustrated at your relentless pursuit for the answer to whatever random question you may have that they will answer it, just to move the hell on.
And so we see the truth here that this dad David D knows how to get answers from his son any time, any place. Stephen D tries to school his dad in Facebook know-how—that it’s not the place to post every brain fart that passes through one’s mind (that’s for Reddit or 4Chan)—but finally gives in and tells Dad exactly to find the "chicken casserole supply store." Bon appétit!
14 Four old ladies with a Bible
This is the purported voice mail of an employee who worked for Jack in the Box or another US restaurant chain, explaining why he’s late for work and—mid-call—witnesses a traffic accident. He provides an eyewitness account, describing both drivers leaving their cars and the ensuing ruckus between the occupants—four old ladies attacking the lone driver of the other car with their Bible—and whatever else they have handy.
What’s funnier than the story itself is the guy’s hysterical reaction to the scene. He’s especially transfixed by a little elderly woman he calls "Mother Goose." No one—not even snopes.com—has been able to prove that this didn’t happen and this recording has been making the rounds on the internet since it first appeared circa 2005.
13 Remove your cheesiness from my feed, please
Sally must have, at some point, "liked" the Kraft Macaroni & Cheese page. She’s having second thoughts, obviously, or forgetting that she "liked" them in the first place (or not understanding that when you "like" a public company, you invite their every post into your feed). Not only is Sally clueless to how this whole Facebook thing works, she’s worked up enough to rag at Kraft in ALL CAPS. Caps means you’re yelling; typing in all caps means you’re really mad—and Sally at least has that part down. Score one for Sally. Thankfully, we have the patient poster here responding, explaining to Sally how to remove Kraft from her feed, which seems to be the modern-day version of helping an old lady cross the street.
12 Granny nags her way out of kidnapping
Ever seen that Christmas movie The Ref, in which Denis Leary plays a burglar driven insane by his hostages, who are an incessantly bickering couple? This story made us think of that movie.
In Taiwan, a 94-year-old wealthy matriarch of a family named Chou was kidnapped and held for ransom. Chou proved to be such a trying hostage that the kidnapper threw up his hands and released her before collecting his bounty. Chou apparently nagged her kidnapper about his chosen criminal profession and complained non-stop about her illnesses and pain, so much so that the suspect stopped at a pharmacy to get her medication. He also let Chou use the washroom at a gas station where she made an easy escape. Dude just couldn’t take it anymore!
11 How Lance and Gertie hooked up
Gertrude is being one salty old lady here, sharing that she’s placed a Craigslist ad requesting a golden shower on her Facebook page. Eww. Thanks for sharing! TMI, Gertie. No one really needs this visual coming through their newsfeed, do they? Naughty Gertie! Or has Gertie really mistaken Facebook for Craigslist? Something tells me this is all very tongue-in-cheek and ol’ Gertie is just a raunchy-humored modern day grandma (to Willie Muse, whoever he is) and her grandson seems in on the joke and chides his Grandma for her post. Lance Mayweather appreciates Gertie’s sense of humor as well. Or maybe he’s mistaken Facebook for Craigslist, too? In which case, are we really witnessing the magical moment of a meeting between two like-minded folks? Nah. We bet these are just some pranksters.
10 Donna's out, Walmart
Take that, Walmart! You know what you’ve done and Donna’s got nothing to say to you other than “im out.” This is between you and her—yeah, just you and her and Facebook. Donna may be going public with her displeasure, but she will not get into specifics because you know what you’ve done, Walmart. Donna’s dropping the mic here and leaving. You’ve obviously been beastly to her in some way, Walmart—the specifics of which Donna won’t get into—but you know you’ve crossed her. She’s not even gonna tell you how because it’s so damn obvious. How could you not know, Walmart? Her greeter didn’t greet her; her cashier was unfriendly maybe. Seriously, Walmart, whatever happened, Donna is out and there’s nothing more to say.
9 Trump, Clinton or death?
The U.S. election of 2016 was certainly contentious with a whole lot of mud-slinging, accusations and leaked scandals coming from both sides. It also contained more negative political ads than you can shake a stick at (that’s a saying elderly people use, so we’ll use it).
Here is 68-year-old Mary Anne Noland of Richmond, Virginia, who, when faced with a choice between electing Trump or Clinton as the next American president, decided it was high time to kick it. She didn’t want to stand in one of those cardboard cubicles they erect for voting day, handling ballots with the names Trump and Clinton printed on them and check a box beside either name. Nope, she’d cast her vote for neither and elected for death instead.
8 Generation gap
Oh Geraldine, Geraldine—dear sweet Geraldine. Your heart is in the right place and you speak your truth. Rihanna is one of those one-name superstars like Madonna, Cher or Prince who is so well-known, only the taxman demands to know their surname. We’re assuming Tara is Geraldine's granddaughter or some relation and when she expresses her dislike for the one-name superstar (and not one of her peers) you don’t recognize she’s not talking about any old Rihanna, she’s talking about the Rihanna. Tara would probably kill for Rihanna to be mean to her (although she’d never admit that because she declares hatred)—just for the sake of a story to pass along to her own grandchildren one day—but by then they probably won’t know who Rihanna is, either.
7 Methinks you doth protest too much, Ronnie
Well! Ronnie’s a bit touchy here, isn’t he? Did Bill strike a nerve? Ronnie seems very defensive when the question of paternity arises regarding 9-year-old Brazilian singing sensation Jotta A, whose rendition of "Amazing Grace" Ronnie’s plugging on his Facebook page. Ronnie responds emphatically in the negative that he is not the boy’s father in ALL CAPS. Then when Ronnie’s satisfied Bill understands he’s NOT Jotta’s father, he responds in lower case.
It doesn’t occur to Ronnie that he could post Jotta doing a cover of "U Ain’t My Daddy" (if one exists) in response. Hmm. Instead, Ronnie gets suspiciously defensive about this particular miscommunication. Either that or his keyboard was stuck on all caps and Ronnie just couldn’t figure out how to turn it off until his "Thank you Bill" post.
6 Ordering corn
It’s as if Joel thinks Facebook is like Google where, if you type in a word or question, a magical list of responses appears. At least he directs his question to a place called Old Country Buffet which at least sounds like it sells food. He must love their corn because going by this post, he sure is determined to get some!
Has Joel’s Facebook become his catchall to-do list and area to place all orders? One wonders if he orders all his necessities of life through Facebook now. When his toilet’s broken, does he post "call plumber" and expect a plumber to magically respond? When you think about it, Joel’s overall concept of what Facebook should be is superior to what it actually is.
5 The duel of the century
Let’s imagine a situation that brought about this duel for the ages. Perhaps these men are battling for the honor of winning the hand of one captivating octogenarian in their retirement home named Ethel. Ethel is a vivacious shuffleboarder and bingo-caller who looks fetching in her supportive one-piece at Aquafit and keeps a flask of Geritol in her fanny pack at all times. From time to time, her dentures fly across the room when she laughs, but what a charming laugh the old girl has! This is a battle to the death, and these men must duel for Ethel’s fair hand. These men are standing there as if to say, "Face me now, opponent. Stand before Ethel, Agnes, George and Fred in the lounge so that they may bear witness to our battle to the death! May the best man win!"
4 Watch out for Joe, Target
The biggest question here is what has Target done to make Joe cry? Perhaps Joe couldn’t find orthopaedic shoes in his size? He could only find canes with a right-handed grip where Joe’s a leftie? There were no Enrico Caruso CDs? Whatever the case, Joe’s dried his tears and Target better watch out—Joe’s coming. What revenge can Joe wreak upon Target? Toilet papering the treadmills and exercycles? Exchanging sugar for salt in the grocery section? Hook up the hoses in the gardening department to sewage pipes? Nah, that all takes up too much energy. Joe will just threaten revenge on their Facebook page, put the fear of God into Target and keep them nervous, on the lookout for when vengeful old Joe will strike.
3 Stay thirsty, my friends
It’s no surprise that the most interesting man in the world is also fairly ancient. With age comes wisdom, right? "Stay thirsty, my friends" might be the best life advice ever given. Thanks, Dos Equis! Everything this man does is cool, even when he’s "talking in the chat," which is the funny kind of mistake old people make when they’re trying to be hip and misuse modern lingo. But notice, he’s not always talking in the chat. Pshaw, the most interesting man in the world has better things to do than get into internet fights with strangers, update his Facebook status and post his breakfast on Instagram. His texts are gold-plated nuggets of wisdom and his every utterance in the chat is savage AF, of course.
2 Irene Colufax: the 100-year-old chain-smoker
Meet the indomitable centenarian, Irene Colufax, who lights up 80 untipped cigarettes a day (untipped cigarettes are strong cigarettes without filters). We don't know if she’s smoked all her life or started in her later years, but she was still kicking it on her 100th birthday, smoking like a chimney and sparking up another cig from her candles. She definitely looks like some kind of rebel who’s defied the odds of living long but not cleanly (since heavy smoking on her level definitely kills most people way before they see their 100th birthday). Irene’s an exception for sure!
Irene credits her longevity to being miserable and demanding and smoking four packs a day. Please don’t follow her advice, gentle reader! Remember: Irene is a freak of nature.
1 Status: it's not complicated
Sometimes, a woman likes to hear those three magical little words, "I love you." We know actions speak louder than words and the fact that these two are still together after a lifetime (presumably) speaks volumes. However, every so often, one does need to hear that the affection is still there and the fires are burning—even after decades of togetherness. As we can see from this meme, the age-old battle of the sexes rages on even into one’s golden years and this white-haired maiden still yearns to hear sweet nothings from her stooped and balding knight in shining armor. But he’s not giving it up even when she asks! He believes once you’ve said something once, what’s the point of saying it again? Waste of breath!