Anyone who’s tried online dating knows that it can be quite the adventure. There are tons of interesting characters people will meet during their request to find Mr. or Mrs. Perfect. And some of those stores will probably make most want to stay single forever.
The people who made this list all have one thing in common: their hilarious online dating profiles. Some of these individuals had hilarious biographies or outlooks on life. Others just seemed downright creepy in their ‘About Me’ sections; from people who claim they’re totally not murderers to others who say they want to kill birds to prove their love (see #15 for proof).
There are tons of success stories of people finding their lovers online, but there are also tons of horror stories, too. Let these profiles be a warning to proceed with caution if anyone's trying to online date.
15 This Guy With Ties To The FBI
For most people, a criminal record is a deal breaker when it comes to setting up a date. After all, things can get complicated if your lover has served jail time. So you might want to think twice before going on a date with this gentleman!
Though he doesn’t admit to ever having trouble with the law, he seems to think that all the big policing and governmental agencies know about him. From the FBI to the NYPD to the NSA, this guy seems to have friends in high places. But I don’t know if he’d call them friends!
It seems more likely that this guy is wanted for a crime and is trying to evade the FBI. And, if the FBI is on his tail, then he’s likely some sort of terrorist or serial killer. Next match please!
14 This Girl And Her Multiple Personalities
Why have a girlfriend with one personality when you can have one with multiple? On Tinder, this girl was advertising the fact that she has multiple personality disorders. She invites her potential dates to get to know each of her personas.
But some of her personalities might be friendlier than others! In her bio, she gave her matches a taste of what life with her could be like. “If what you look for is a girl with personality then you’re in luck because I have multiple,” she wrote. However, it seems like one of her personalities interrupted her since the next thing she writes is, “Don’t listen to her.”
I bet this girl’s first dates are always interesting! Would you be up for the challenge of dating someone with multiple personalities?
13 This Gentleman Shares WAY Too Much
No thank you, sir!
Any girl who’s been on an online dating app or website knows the horrors of receiving messages (or worse — pics!) from random guys talking about their junk, and this older man was no exception. In his bio, this guy held nothing back when he decided to make a sly reference to his manhood. Well that’s TMI!
But don’t worry, ladies! You won’t need to worry about pregnancy, since he lets everyone know he’s sterile. His package is simply a ‘Fun Gun.’ Something tells me that this guy didn’t have too much luck getting hookups on Okcupid. Maybe this is a sign that he shouldn’t talk about things below the belt until the second or third date... or at all. Just a suggestion!
12 This Man Who's Totally Not Into Crime
Well this guy’s profile certainly seems fishy!
Since you never know who’s on the other end of an online profile, there’s always a risk that you could be talking to an axe criminal. But, unless you watch too many episodes of Criminal Minds, most people aren’t too afraid that their date is going to turn on them. However, you might think differently once you see this man’s dating profile.
This guy is totally overcompensating to make potential dates think he’s not a criminal. Heck, just look at his username. He even makes sure to say in his summary that you will 100% get home safe after a date with him. And, in terms of what he’s doing with his life, he is most definitely not murdering anyone. Although he likes digging… for the bodies?
11 This Guy Who Lives Life On The Wild Side
I don’t know whether I'd swipe right or left for this guy because his bio is both equally cringe-worthy and epic. James decided to tell his potential matches a little bit about himself and what he likes to do in his free time.
And I bet you’ll never be able to guess this guy’s hobby! He starts off by saying he loves talking long walks on the beach with his girlfriend. Um, girlfriend?! If you have a significant other, then Tinder probably isn’t the right place for you. At least I bet this warded off a lot of potential matches.
But things get weirder in his bio when he says everything is fun until the drugs wear off, and he realizes he doesn’t actually have a girlfriend. No, what he’s been doing is walking around with a mannequin in a Wendy’s parking lot. #Classy
10 This Girl Who's Upfront About Her Infections
Hey, at least this girl is honest!
If you have an STD, then it is sooo important to inform your partners before engaging in anything below the belt. They need to be informed of the risk, and be aware that they might need to visit the doctor’s after the fun time. With that being said, I don’t know if I’d announce my STDs for the world to see on my online dating profile. That might be something you want to wait to tell until you have your first sleepover together.
But then here enters Lydia. This girl’s username says it all: she most likely has the infamous infection (which is totally treatable with medication, btw). In her bio, she encourages potential dates to hit her up, so it definitely doesn’t seem like she’s letting her diagnosis stop her from having fun.
9 This Teen With Some Hefty Life Goals
Any person will tell you they like a man with big ambitions. So does that make this guy a catch?
Well, this teen definitely has some big dreams, but I'm just not sure if his priorities are straight. Most boys his age dream about getting into college or buying a car. But this guy doesn’t seem like your average teen boy. His future goals include holding a massive snake (python, boa, or anaconda preferably), and then getting eaten by them. Um, I don’t think that’s something you’d survive…
To make matters even weirder, this guy also says he’d like to have insects crawling on him while naked. Gross! Oh, and he’d also like to be beaten up, though it’s unclear who should do the beating. Hopefully this guy found someone just as weird as him to share his life with!
8 This Guy Who Seems To Think He's Jesus
My mom always told me to bring a nice Christian boy home to meet the family, but I doubt this is what she had in mind. This guy, who says his name is Jesus, seems to think he’s really Jesus. You know, like the biblical character who died on a cross and turned water into wine. Who knew Jesus was on Tinder!
Jesus’ profile gets more interesting the farther you read. He clarifies that he’s actually a few thousands years old, way over 21. He’s only been nailed once (on the cross, duh). And, you know this guy is committed since he’d literally die for you. Plus, his dad is a pretty big deal.
Honestly, I don’t know how many dates this guy got with his interesting profile — though those Swedish Fish look yummy! Who you agree to go on a date with Jesus?
7 This Lady Who Lives Life As A Cat
Self-expression is one of the greatest parts of life! You can choose to look any way you want: you can dye your hair, change your clothes, get piercings or tattoos, and even more. Heck, you could even live life as a cat if you want to, just like this woman.
This lady seems to genuinely believe she’s a feline. Just look at her outfit! In her profile pic, her face is completely painted, complete with whiskers and a cat’s nose. She’s rocking a tiger-striped dress with furry arm sleeves and a furry choker. She’s definitely a cat, indeed!
But the most hilarious part of this woman’s profile are the things she claims she can’t live without. This includes a pair of fishnet stockings, a Barack Obama lighter, and a photo of her dad at a funeral (his funeral? Someone else’s funeral?). Oh how I wish I could get answers!
6 This Guy And His Special Hairstyle
Nowadays, man buns are all the rage. But I think this guy missed the mark with his unique hairstyle. Dylan decided to upload a recent selfie to his Tinder profile featuring his new ‘do. Well, all his new hairstyle is are a bunch of tiny pigtails, which looks like his 6-year-old cousin styles for him.
I may have an idea as to why Dylan’s hairstyle didn’t work out as planned. He admits that he smoked some sort of recreational substance before getting on Tinder, which is probably how this stylish look came into being. Hopefully Dylan learned his lesson that he should wait to post selfies until after he’s no longer intoxicated. Something tells me he regretted posting this funny pic the next morning (or at least he should).
5 This Guy Who Needs To Take A Feminist Class
Well, this guy has definitely never scored a date with a woman!
This guy’s profile is full of tons of BS. He went so far as to answer a question about whether men should be the heads of households or not. Not only does he think they should, but he thinks that millions of years of evolution has given men superior leadership skills in comparison to women. “Why change a good thing?” he asks. This guy sooo needs to take a feminist class!
He doesn’t help himself when he accuses overweight individuals of not taking care of themselves, and when he says a woman should not have the option to abort. This guy clearly has some controversial opinions, and I bet it definitely didn’t help him land a date.
4 This Guy Who Definitely Doesn't Have A Six-Pack
This is one optical illusion that just isn’t working. Evidently this guy thought he needed a six-pack in order to score a date. Instead of heading to the gym or trying his hand at Photoshop, he decided to go the old Sharpie route instead. Yes, he literally just drew a poorly designed six-pack on his stomach, which everyone can tell is very much fake. Endearing or odd? You be the judge.
Mark seems to know that his attempt at getting buff was a complete fail, since his bio says, “You could do worse.” There are definitely a lot worse people giving online dating a try (just see number one). But I have a feeling Mark would have more luck on Tinder if he just uploaded a normal picture of himself, and tries to lead with his humour, not his fake six-pack.
3 This Girl Who Just Really Wants Chipotle
Never trust a person who doesn’t like Chipotle! So, when you see someone expressing their love for burritos on their dating profile, you know you’ve found a keeper.
Rachel was very adamant about her love for Chipotle on her Tinder account. So much so, that she’s honest about the fact that she’s only doing online dating to get some free Chipotle, not to meet Mr. Perfect. Rachel made her profile all the better by adding a dramatic photo of her eating a burrito. This is a girl after my own heart!
Unlike some of the people on this list, I have a feeling Rachel got a lot of matches (and a lot of free Chipotle meals). They say that food is the key to a person’s heart, so it’s easy to see how to win Rachel over.
2 This Guy Who Won't Put The Effort In
Well this is an interesting way to try and win dates over!
Matthew was very upfront in his Tinder profile about exactly what his potential dates should expect. Evidently, he’s not about putting in effort when he doesn’t have to. Matthew warns his matches to expect less when they start dating him. Actually, he says that if they tell him to jump three-feet, you should only expect him to have a 34-inch vertical. So it’s going to be two inches less than you expect. Um, okay?
When going on a date with someone, probably the last thing you’re thinking about is how high they can jump. So I doubt Matthew’s short vertical is going to be a problem. Hey, at least you know this guy is honest!
1 This Guy Who Wants To Prove His Love
There are a lot of romantic things a guy can do to prove his love to you. He can buy you flowers, take you out on a lavish date, or simply just say the words "I love you." Women and men aren’t hard creatures to please! But ending a bird in front of us is not something that will make us feel your love…
This guy got extra creepy on his dating profile when he said just exactly what he’ll do to prove his love to you. And you guessed it… he wants to kill a bird for you. Honestly, that’s just downright horrible. I’d be turned off of any date that showed such disregard for life, even if he was merely trying to step on a few ants. But this guy just takes things to a whole new (scary) level! Eek!