Gather around, people. Time to discuss last year's numbers. Just got this back from accounting, and it looks like humankind is going to have to start cutting waaaay back on total number of fails committed. We realize we're asking a lot, but it's only fair that we all pull our weight and stop sucking so much. This has to be a group effort, or it isn't going to work. So, let's buckle down and get a grip on our fails. The sooner, the better.
Our psyche can only handle so much stupidity per annum, and while we realize it's still early in the year, we're already uncomfortably close to reaching our limit. So, for sanity's sake, these 15 people need to learn how to keep their fails to themselves.
15 This fail's not worth the $300
Selling his iPhone was the best decision that this guy will ever make. Honestly, this is going to benefit him so much because, once somebody forks over that $300 for his definitely not imaginary, just couldn't figure out how to get a picture of it because he needed it to take the picture cellphone, he'll finally be able to buy some books and read them and—fingers crossed—become not stupid. This is gonna be amazing for him.
The logical thing to do here would have been to Google some pictures of an iPhone 7, then post those to Facebook along with the ad, but no. This guy doesn't roll with logic. He doesn't vibe with common sense, and now we all have to see his fail. Marvellous.
14 *"Eye of the Tiger" plays in the distance*
You know how when you fail, you make that one face that looks like you swallowed your lips, and you just slowly nod, like, "Yep, I screwed up big time"? That's probably how this entire police force looked for six months after their tiger stuffed animal showdown. This is a level of embarrassment most of us will never experience. Thankfully. Hopefully.
It's going to be hard for these police officers to walk it back from this hilarious "cat"astrophe. They're going to have to find so many seven-year-old girls' bikes to save face from this fail, it's not even funny. We mean, we appreciate their trying to be open and candid in this matter, but if we had made such a blushworthy mistake, we would have kept this to ourselves.
13 Won't be having any sweet dreams with these pillows around
'Kay, so, on the surface, the pillows with pictures of her kids' faces on them seemed like a great gift for this person to give to their sister for Mother's Day. It was very thoughtful, probably took a lot of time and effort, a lot of planning, yada, yada, yada. You get the gist.
However, no amount of their heart being in the right place can correct this fail. There is no turning back at this point. We must venture forth, down this dark, miserable path, where there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Indeed, the end is only filled with night terrors and tears. There is no hope. None at all. Oh, woe is us! The sheer horror of witnessing such fail! Gah! Shield your eyes!
We hope the knife that this guy used to stab his girlfriend in the back wasn't the same one that he was using when he ate his lunch without her—not that we guess it matters anyway, since what's done is done. Listen, we don't want our baes to go hungry. That's not what we're saying. But, what we are saying is that if they're going to eat, they should tell us beforehand. Send us a text or give us a quick call. Let us know what's going on ahead of time, because finding out that you've already had a meal before we have? That hurts. It's a betrayal that isn't easy to forgive.
This boyfriend learned a valuable lesson today. We hope you've learned from his fail, too.
11 Good point, Karina. Good point
Think about technology for a second. Less than a hundred years ago, the only way to listen to your favorite tunes on demand was with a phonograph, but now, all you have to do is stick some earbuds into the headphone jack on your computer, and you can listen to an unlimited number of songs for as long as you want. Wow. That level of human ingenuity is impressive, but do you ever worry that people are becoming too smart, too advanced?
LOL! Ha ha! Just kidding! Oh, man, you should've seen the look on your face! That was priceless. Nah, we're fooling around, here. Technology's advanced, but even with all our "internets" and "cellular devices", we humans are still essentially the same: ridiculous, idiotic and full of fail.
10 Not the case ideas!
*Tucked away in a booth at a Taco Bell, a group of aspiring door-to-door glasses case salespeople/mad scientists hold a private meeting discussing how their new glasses case designs will help them take over the world*
"—Meaning we have all the funding we need to get started, all we have to do now is create some models to show to our future subjects—I mean, 'potential customers'. Karen? Did you remember to bring the case ideas?"
"...What is that supposed to mean, Brian? 'Did you remember'? I forgot to bring them once, yet you still WON'T LET IT GO."
"Shh! Keep your voice down, Karen! Geez, do you want to give away the whole operation?! Just show us the case ideas."
"What's the matter?"
"Four of our case ideas...they're missing!"
9 Awful waffles
Some people don't like carbs, but, guess what? We don't like those people. Oh, snap! How do ya like them apples, ya starch and grain haters? Hurts, don't it?
In this modern age of paleo diets and low carb lifestyles, delicious foods like breads, potatoes and cereal grains are constantly being shamed. They're being made to feel like they're less than other foods and, frankly, if we're going to continue to espouse the virtues of tolerance for all, then it's only fair to be tolerant of carbs, too. That's why we motion that everyone who abuses their carbs in this way—whether they be pancakes, crepes or waffles—be thrown in jail, and the key to their cell be thrown to the bottom of a well. Thank you for your time.
8 More importantly, how do you communicate with stupid people?
Hmm. Good question, Reddit user. How are we supposed to communicate with blind people? Surely their inability to see will interfere with their ability to hear us speaking to them normally, as we might converse with non-blind people, thus rendering talking to them completely ineffective. Of course, we can always rely on braille to break the communication barrier between blind people and non-blind people. But, what are we to do when we have no paper and no pencils with which to print braille to communicate with the blind? Isn't there some way to talk to blind people?!?!
You ever see something so stupid, you have to run a few laps around your house to get rid of the adrenaline caused by exposure to too much idiocy? That's us right now.
7 We will never speak of this again
We can't even fathom the amount of shame that one might feel after realizing that they bit into a piece of fruit without realizing the sticker was still on it. Or...can we? That's the thing about this fail. The person who committed it should have kept it to themselves, as we would have done had we been in their shoes. They shouldn't have taken a picture of it and shared it on the internet. They should have just induced vomiting and pretended like nothing out of the ordinary ever happened. That's the only proper response to this scenario.
Whether this happened to us or not, we have no intention of telling. Besides, just knowing somebody else out there committed this fail is making us feel bad enough.
6 Paras is such a romantic city
We were going to ask why you'd put the Eiffel Tower where the I in Paris is supposed to go, as opposed to where the A is, but we know you guys are just as perplexed by this fail as we are. Our only regret is there isn't another S on the end of this PARAS sign, because only then would this fail have reached its full potential.
Well, we wonder what we're supposed to do in response to this, now? Hold on. We'll check our fail protocol. *Flips sheet over on clipboard* Hmm..."discuss fail at length", did that. "Mock the people who committed the fail", check-a-roni on that one. Ah! Here we go. It looks like now, we should all "cry for the loss of common sense". Aaaaaaannndd...GO!
5 Close, but no cigar
Confession time! We are diehard romantics, so (surprise surprise) we always cry when, at the end of Titanic, it's revealed that there's only enough room on the door for Rose, played by Kate Winslet, to float on, so Jack, played by Leonardo da Vinci, is left to freeze to death in the icy ocean. Ugh! It's like a knife to the feels. Kills us every time.
The only way to pull ourselves out of the funk of witnessing such romantic tragedy is by looking at the gorgeous paintings of another famous Leonardo, Mr. Leonardo DiCaprio, artist, inventor and all around Renaissance man. After staring at his masterpieces, like the Mona Lisa and The Last Supper, for a while, we're as good as new!
Wait, maybe we have that backwards...
4 Best soulmate tattoo we've ever seen, hands down
Nobody—NOBODY—loves macaroni and cheese as much as we do. And don't even bother commenting about how, oh, we're wrong, because you know a guy who eats macaroni and cheese for every meal, or, oh, you have to eat a bowl of macaroni and cheese every hour, otherwise your body will shut down and die. None of that. We refuse to hear any lip on this matter. We proclaim ourselves official regents of the cheesy pasta.
We're not trying to brag about our abiding love for macaroni and cheese, we just need you to understand that, if anyone would be likely to get a macaroni and cheese tattoo, it would be us, and yet, we still have too much class for that, making this fail all the more fail-ier.
Honey. You are so far nestled inside your den of delusion that you think that your hair is curly—and not even just curly, you think it's afro-esque. Who are you kidding? Surely you have a mirror, everybody has a mirror, but are you using your mirror for mirroring purposes? Are you seeing what your mirror is showing you? Because we're thinking you're not.
This girl needs to watch Mulan and listen carefully to that one song, and she needs to ask herself when will her reflection show who she is inside, because this isn't who she is. She doesn't have curly hair. Her hair is straight. There's no point in lying to yourself about it, dearie. You don't belong in the "CurlyHairProblems" hashtag. You should've kept this fail to yourself.
2 Face Swap: making everyone uncomfortable since whenever it was invented
This pair isn't responsible for the WTF antics of Face Swap, but what they are to blame for is sharing their fail image with the rest of us. Hey, we've had some disturbing Face Swaps too, but at least we had the consideration not to post them on the internet. Some fails don't need to be talked about. Some fails should be brushed under the rug and covered up at all costs. Ask pretty much any politician, and we're sure they can tell you all about that.
Face Swap has lost its mind, by the way. Don't think we don't blame you in part for this, Face Swap. You did this. You were the one who decided to bring us this nightmare. The fail rests on your shoulders, too.
1 Time to find a new dentist!
That's it. That would have been enough for us. If we had made a traumatic mistake like this, we would've died right there in the chair, and right in the middle of our annual dental cleaning. We mean, what are you supposed to do when you commit a fail of this magnitude? Just deal with the shame, like every other adult? Pfft! Forget that. Our heart would've stopped from the cringe.
This is why we don't go to the dentist anymore. Not because we've ever made such a devastating mistake, but just because we're afraid we might. Haven't suffered any repercussions from this decision, either. Sure, we've got three new, painful cavities, and our teeth have turned a diluted coffee shade of brown, but overall, it was the right choice.