I don’t feel good about writing this article. None of what you are about to see in the 15 points that follow makes me feel warm and fuzzy, or proud to be human. If I’m being honest, I’m a bit of an optimist. I like to believe that good things will happen to good people, that the cup is half full, and that everyone is just doing their best. However, after today, I have to wonder, are we truly doing our best? Like, can’t we do better than asking the internet what Obama’s last name is? Even if we were legitimately curious, isn’t one — at the very least — smart enough to simply type a question into Google and search anonymously, rather than tweeting it out for the world’s judgment (and, yeah, okay...pleasure, too). So, it pains me to say, that while scientists are busy solving things like cancer, I’ve come to the realization that there is no cure, unfortunately, for stupidity. You’ll notice most of the people in the following images have had their names or faces blurred out. This is to protect them. Because clearly, anyone who is excited to find out “whether they’ll be an aunt or an uncle” needs some form of bubble-wrapping. These 15 people will make you re-think how smart the average person actually is.
15 This Guy Who Still Doesn’t Understand Where Babies Come From
Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Poor Jack, who apparently still doesn’t understand how babies are made or where babies come from. I mean, that has gotta be it, right? No one gave him the “birds and the bees” chat. Or maybe he just totally ditched out on the wrong day of sex-ed in high school and never got the notes from a friend, so he isn’t quite clear on the whole process. I have to wonder if he is asking for a friend, or if he is asking from the perspective of a baby-daddy scorned? Either way, I wish him the best of luck. And, being the optimist that I am, I feel like this is a nice opportunity to point out that at least he used the correct spelling of “their” in his query. So, yeah, he’s got that going for him.
14 This Girl Who Thinks “Life Is Crazy”
I mean, he isn’t wrong. Life certainly is crazy, but for reasons other than finding out that one’s birthday is the same day as one was born. I wonder if he thinks this rule only applies to him? That it’s some kind of crazy coincidence, and that other people’s birthdays don’t coincide with the day they were born. While I’m not keen on letting him off the hook on this one, because the word “birth-day” is pretty descriptive and self-explanatory. I have to wonder where his parents fit into this picture. Like, when they were throwing him a party every year, and adding candles on his cake, did they not explain to him the significance of the day? This also makes me wonder, does this guy even know how old he is?
13 This Person Who… Well, I Don’t Even Know
So much wrong, here, it hurts. First of all, huh? I’m racking my brain trying to understand how this ever came up in conversation, why anyone would be asking about cutting their carpet, and furthermore, why anyone would suggest that carpet — an inanimate object — could or would grow back. Is this some seriously mean practical joke? Second of all, the comments. How come no one is pointing out the obvious, here? Like, sorry sweetie, but carpet is not something that grows, ever. Not now, not once it has been cut. Never. Thirdly, are we all just supposed to ignore the spelling and grammar in this Facebook post? I know social media doesn’t necessarily call for perfect punctuation, and that slang and colloquialisms are cool and all, but differentiating “peace” from “piece” should be pretty standard, right?
12 This Girl Who Has A Very Serious Question For POTUS
DOES ANYONE KNOW? No seriously, every person who “retweeted” and “favorited” this tweet without answering her very simple question needs to take some responsibility for their actions. Just in case the record has not yet been set straight...@ALI3NGH0ST, if you are reading this, Obama’s last name is Obama. His first name is Barack. Put it together, you get POTUS, Barack Obama. (Please don’t ask me what POTUS is). Okay, now that that’s all cleared up, I really need to address the “Wtf” portion of this tweet. It’s not just that she was interested in finding out the President’s full name, but the “Wtf” makes it feel like there is some desperation behind her question. Like she’s really freaking curious. Why not just ask Google? Or Siri, or how about going to school?
11 This Girl Who May Die Of 'Beaties'
Wait, what? First of all, I’m jealous. I wish my mom brought me a bunch of cookies, cakes, and snacks. Second of all, die of 'beaties'? Is 'beaties' some unknown fatal disease the western world knows nothing about? Or has this chick just never been properly educated about diabetes and how it works? I am guessing the latter is true. Quick tune-up: diabetes is a disease in which the pancreas doesn’t produce enough/or any insulin (dependent on which type of diabetes you have). Our bodies rely on insulin to control the level of glucose in our blood. If we don’t have any/or enough insulin, glucose builds up in our blood instead of being used for energy. That said, at least she had one part right—cookies, cakes, and snacks can be bad news for someone with either type 1 or type 2 diabetes.
10 This Girl Who Is About To Become An Uncle
Face. To. Palm. Quick Question—How did this not get more “likes” on Facebook? Honestly, I’m not really sure what there is to say about this. Like, where do I even start? Somebody, please, help. How does one explain to a woman (who thinks she is about to become an uncle), that unless she is considering undergoing a sex change, or identifies as male (which, at the risk of sounding not totally politically correct, I don’t think is the case here), that she will never be an uncle. Sorry lady, whether you like it or not, you are about to become an aunt. And in the spirit of informing, Ben and Sal’s baby boy will be your nephew, not your niece. Now that that's cleared up, Congratulations Jenn (and Ben and Sal)!
9 This Girl Who Got Trapped... On An Escalator
On a scale from 1 to 10 - 1 being “trapped on an escalator” and 10 being, well, anywhere other than on a stagnant escalator - about how smart do you feel right now? Probably pretty smart, I’m guessing. It is posts like this, situations like this, people like this, that make me worried for humanity (and also make me feel like a borderline genius). Gone are the days of “the survival of the fittest,” where people trapped on escalators likely wouldn't survive. It's a blessing and a curse. Yay, we all get a chance at this crazy little thing called life. But also, what are we going to do with people who get stuck on escalators? In her defense, I have had to walk down a stalled escalator before, and it can be pretty trippy. Manageable, but trippy.
8 This Person Who Is...Confused
Neil Armstrong, Lance Armstrong, same thing, right? Right. Except not at all. It is an honest mistake, really, getting your Armstrong’s confused. But, word to the wise, you should probably fact-check yourself before posting a statement such as the one above on any form of social media. (The Internet is forever.) Another quick history brush up: It was NEIL Armstrong who was the first man to walk on the moon back in 1969. Nobody can ever take that away from him. LANCE Armstrong, a different person from a different generation altogether, had a few amazing achievements himself. As a professional Cyclist, Lance Armstrong won the Tour de France a record-breaking seven times. Except they did take his achievements away from him after his admission to long-term doping offenses. Aren’t we learning so much today?
7 This Guy Who Is In Awe Of Nature
I have got to hand it to Anthony. Nature is pretty freaking miraculous. From the incredible process of photosynthesis to the natural ebb and flow of tides dictated by the moon, mother nature is responsible for so many amazing things in this world. Unfortunately, Mount Rushmore is not one of those things. Simply put, Mount Rushmore was not created by the "hands" - so to speak - of Mother Nature. More accurately, it took American sculptor, Gutzon Borglum and hundreds of workers fourteen-some years to sculpt the 60-foot national monument meant to represent the first 130 years of American History. But naturally, someone who uses the term "dat" (if it can even be called a term), instead of "that" cannot and should not be expected to know such things. Let's all give Anthony a break.
6 This Girl Who Probably Won’t Be Receiving Any Texts
I wonder how long Alex stared at her phone, waiting for it to beep or ring or whatever before she realized that she probably wasn’t going to be getting any texts or phone calls anytime soon? Props to her for being smart enough not to publicize her new phone number on social media, but like, really? I know, first-hand, that getting a new phone number can be a total pain, but there are better ways to go about these things. Send a group text to everyone in your contacts informing them of your new number. Send a group message to your friends on Facebook. Better yet, purposely don't give anyone your number at all, so you don't have to be bothered with useless texts that say nothing more than, "sup?"
5 This Girl Who Probably Didn’t Make It Through Math Class
Please tell me that someone has gone ahead and cleared this up for her. Because, honestly, I can’t even be bothered to try to explain this one. Where does one even begin? Probably with basic math principles we learned in grade one or two. But, like I said, I'm not even going to go there. Gabrielle's line of questioning is one thing — I am 100% rethinking how smart the average person is because of this tweet. But let’s not ignore the fact that instead of discreetly asking her parents, peers, or I don’t know...GOOGLE, she poses her question as a tweet for the entire world to see. It’s tweets like this that make me feel like a bully because I simply can’t help but wonder how someone could be so confused about something so basic, so elementary.
4 This Person Who Has A Thing For Reptiles
OMG. Who doesn’t like dolphins anymore? What’s not to like? Who, in their right mind, subs out squirrels for dolphins? Squirrels are cute and all, but come on. Haven’t you ever seen Flipper? Who honestly believes that both dolphins and squirrels are part of the reptile family? Sorry, what? I’ve reached that point in writing this article, where I’m tired of explaining basic things of which every human who went to grade school should be aware of. And because I think it’s safe to assume that most people with a Facebook account probably had the privilege of going to grade school, I don’t want to be unfairly judged for being judgmental. This is not me being judgmental. This is me being smart enough to know that neither squirrels nor dolphins are reptiles.
3 This Girl And Her "Benz"
Nothing beats cruising in the Benz after getting a fresh manicure. Except for when your Mercedes Benz is actually a BMW. Still a great cruise, mind you, just a totally different car. Something anyone who owns a Benz or BMW should probably be aware of. It’s women like this who make it hard for every other woman who goes to a car dealership or service center and gets ripped off because the men who work there tend to assume women know nothing about cars. Sorry, I’m ranting. This whole subject matter - sparked by an innocent Instagram post - just hits a little bit too close to home for me because last time I bought a new car, I had to ask my boyfriend to come along for the whole dreaded process to make sure I didn’t get ripped off.
2 This Girl Who Got A Haircut
So much face-palm. Where to begin? Just taking in and embracing this Facebook update as a whole entity, for what it is, reminds me of the early days of Facebook when “Status Updates” were a new buzzword, and nobody knew what to make of them. Or what to write in the prompted blank. If you scroll down far enough on your own Facebook wall, you will probably be mortified to find some of your old status updates that were about as poignant as this one. Except, hopefully with less spelling and grammar mistakes. Which brings me to “Cuted.” Don’t worry, though, for any of you who were confused about what “cuted” meant, she adeptly explains that it is simply “past tents” for “cut." Ahhhh, yes. That explains everything. I'm not even going to address the "an" that should be "and" or the puzzling conclusion that her hair went back to curly.
1 This Proud Mommy
Oh, the irony. Oh, the horrible, horrible, irony. I cringed a little after reading this, and not for the obvious reason. The cringe came from a place of caring because I actually feel for the woman. While the improper use of “there, their and they’re” is one of my greatest grammatical pet peeves (up there with "your vs. you're"), I can’t help but hope that in this particular case, nobody corrected her. No woman deserves to have her proud mother bubble burst, especially not in the public eye. That said, I do hope her daughter does eventually learn the proper use of “there, their, and they’re” and pass on the vital knowledge to her ever-proud mother. In this particular situation, it is all one can hope for, really.