Well, well, well. Look who it is. It’s, uh…crap, we’re totally blanking on your name. Sorry. Anyway, we’re glad you stopped by because, boy, have we got some crazy stuff to show you.
Today must be your unlucky day, because we’re fixing to sit you down on our virtual couch and force you to look through our virtual photo album of virtually terrible pictures. Come on over here and sit a spell (and no making excuses that you “have to use the virtual bathroom,” or that you “have to get back to your virtual home because you have to get up early for your virtual job tomorrow”—we’re not falling for virtual that), and enjoy these 15 people who came up with hecka lame excuses for their selfies.
15. Ridiculous made up fashion tip #189330: tall girls should never, ever, not in a million years dye their hair pink
Yeah! You go girl! They said you couldn’t do it, so you just go and do it anyway! You show ’em who’s boss! Woohoo! Girl power! You can do whatever the heck you want to, because…wait. What? “And they said tall girls can’t dye their hair pink?” Who is “they?” When did “they” say that? What does being tall have to do with dyeing your hair pink? WHAT’S GOING ON?!?!
Fashion isn’t exactly our forte, so maybe dyeing your hair pink if you’re over, say, five foot eight is a no-no, just like how you’re not supposed to wear white after Labor Day. Or maybe this girl just came up with a ridiculously stupid reason to post a selfie to social media. Looks like we’ll never know the truth.
14. Rest in peace, Gran. You will be missed
If our own grandmother’s behavior upon seeing us taking selfies at her funeral could be any guide as to what this guy’s gran might do to him, then she (provided she could come back from the dead to do so) would undoubtedly smack him upside the head while hurling obscenities at him and blaming his parents for raising him to be a disrespectful moron.
We can all agree that there’s a time and a place for taking selfies, right? For instance, a night spent club hopping with your friends, or a date at the art museum or drawing a Sharpie mustache on your pig-drunk, passed out roommate. Those are all great reasons to take a selfie. But taking a selfie at a funeral? That’s no bueno.
13. Good times…good times…
We can’t speak for any of you people reading this, but we know that there is nothing we would rather recall than the time we almost got arrested while simultaneously being banned from the carnival. Heck, that’s practically our lifelong dream! Where other people aspire to become small business owners or to start a family, all we’ve ever wanted was to almost develop a criminal record whilst losing our amusement park privileges. Sounds like such a blast!
If that cop back there was still on the fence about whether or not he should arrest these two for whatever shenanigans they’re guilty of, then we think this selfie should be the final nail in their coffin. Book ’em, bro, because this level of stupid ought to be illegal.
12. This isn’t going to help their claustrophobia AT ALL
Ironically, all of the people trapped in that elevator were on their way to a claustrophobia group therapy session. This little mishap is going to set their progress back at least six weeks. And it’s such a shame too, because Timothy was finally getting to the point where he didn’t cry when recounting the many times the bullies at his school shoved him into his locker. Plus, Susan had finally stopped hyperventilating at the thought of getting locked in a safe. They were making such strides.
Of course, the mental anguish of this group of claustrophobes could’ve been greatly reduced, had this kid gone for help instead of staying behind to take selfies with them for two hours and uploading them to his social media pages. But whatever.
11. Could you please not just assume we’re stupid? Thanks
Ah, yes. The “oops, I didn’t mean to post that” selfie. Or as we like to call it, the “look, it’s obvious that I’m lying, but if you could just do me a favor and play it cool by not calling me out on it, that would be great” selfie. We also have several other nicknames that we use to refer to this type of selfie, but this here is a family site, and we’re trying to keep things G-rated. Of course, with this kind of graphic ignorance, we’re pushing PG-13 at this point.
10. Sam was born without a brain
There are things that aren’t illegal, but you could argue that they should be, like not using your blinker when you know you’re going to turn left at the McDonald’s (and no, we’re still not over it, tan Suburban who had clearly been rear-ended once before, likely for a similar mistake). And then there are things that aren’t illegal and shouldn’t be illegal, but they’re still definitely in poor taste—like taking a selfie at a Holocaust memorial.
Hey there, ole buddy, ole pal! What’s say you ditch the phone for a minute to pay your respects to the millions of innocent people who were victims of the Holocaust? Sound like a plan? So just stop with the selfie nonsense and have a modicum of decency. Thanks, man. You’re a peach.
9. Ridiculous made up fashion tip #189331: girls with brown hair should never, ever, not in a million years wear jeans
Uh oh. Looks like “they” were talking crap again. First, “they” said tall people couldn’t dye their hair pink, and now “they” say brunette girls aren’t allowed to wear jeans. When will “they” put an end to this madness? When will “they” learn to keep their stupid opinions to themselves? SMH. Gettin’ real tired of your arbitrary fashion rules, “they.”
So let’s see if we’ve got this straight. This girl claims the reason she posted this selfie wasn’t because she thought she had it goin’ on, it was because some random people who probably don’t even exist said that girls with blonde, black, red, gray and every other color in between can wear denim, but for whatever reason, brown haired girls can’t? Mm-hm. Sure. We buy that.
8. The selfie sensation that’s sweeping the nation!
Was this degrading selfie really worth the collective 10 likes and retweets that it got? Was a picture of yourself with a passed out, homeless stranger worth taking, in spite of the fact that it was clearly unethical? ‘Cause we’re sayin’ nah. This is one of the lamest excuses for posting a selfie we’ve ever seen. Then again, we get the sense that at this point, this guy is willing to take whatever likes and retweets he can get.
You won’t catch us trying to take a homeless bum selfie any time soon, probably because we have a pinch of class. But we guess if you don’t care about getting into heaven once you’ve departed this moral coil, then this trend is one bandwagon you can hop on.
7. “Sock lovers everywhere are sure to be disappointed”—a review of this selfie by us
Ugh! You promise us a sock selfie, and then you go back on your word? We can’t believe you right now, girl who we’ve never met before! You told us we were going to get some real, honest to goodness sock footage, and then you just ripped the rug out from under us at the last second!
This is so typical of you. You say you’ll do something, and then you don’t do it, or worse, you use it as a vehicle to promote yourself. Well, this is the last time. We’ve had our hearts broken enough times by you (i.e. one time), and we’re not putting up with it anymore. We’re breaking up with you. Never mind that we don’t even know you. It doesn’t matter now. We’re done.
6. Same, TBH
Look here, pal. We can cry in multiple locations too. In fact, we do so on nearly a daily basis. So don’t go thinking that you’re special, because, NEWSFLASH: you’re not. Pfft. Stupid sobbing guy, thinking he can out weep us. Better luck next time, amateur. Nobody can turn on the waterworks as well as we can. Nobody. We’re the ultimate cry baby, so quit trying to steal our spotlight!
Hey, we just had a great idea for this guy! Maybe instead of taking selfies of himself crying in different places, he should go find a box of Kleenex (with lotion too, because he obviously cries a lot, and we wouldn’t want his nose to get chapped). Once that’s done, he can call to schedule the therapy he obviously needs.
5. Well, they DO look high, we’ll give them that
Not sure if a YouTube video of yourself technically qualifies as a selfie, but one thing we are sure about is we don’t care. As far as we’re concerned, if you’re pointing the camera at yourself, whether it’s on snapshot or video mode, that’s a selfie to us. So even though these two high as a kite girls have chosen an alternate selfie route, we figure their antics were still regrettable enough to be shown in this lineup.
We can’t outright compliment these two. After all, taking a video of yourselves while getting high (for the first time or not) is pretty cringeworthy. But we guess if we had to pick a bright side, we’d say that at least they’ve given an accurate representation of what high people look like.
4. Stop-and-go traffic on Lame Excuse For A Selfie Freeway
Oh, man. We are SO far behind on the social media trends these days, we didn’t even know that “pouty-faced traffic, but there isn’t really any traffic because you can see the reflection of no cars in the person’s sunglasses selfies” were a thing. We must look like such rubes because of our lack of selfie trend knowledge. We’re so embarrassed, we can feel our cheeks blushing.
This guy would have us all believe that he’s been sitting in traffic for at least half an hour, but he’s seriously trying to tell us that, in all of that time he had supposedly been sitting on the highway on his drive home, he couldn’t come up with a better excuse than “traffic selfie” to post his picture? Get real.
3. This shade really suits her season
The whole “new shade of lipstick” spiel was an awful excuse from the get go, but if you’re going to commit to that mistake, at least show your followers the new lipstick. Don’t mention it and then drop the ball. That’s just one let down on top of another.
The people in this lineup must not know the difference between “cleverness” and “transparency.” They thought they could trick us into thinking their selfie excuses are valid, but in reality, we all know they were just making crap up so they could post their pictures. The only reason we don’t mention the elephant in the room is because it’s hilarious to watch these imbeciles fail. And we do like watching these people screw up, but still, it’s pathetic.
2. He’s an ugly crier AND he’s lazy
If you think you’re an ugly crier, why would you take a picture of yourself crying and post it to social media? Are we the only ones who think that’s nonsensical? Come on, bro. We know you’re “</3” but you could’ve put a little more effort into your picture. We mean, if you’re going to sob in your selfies, the very least you could do is take multiple selfies of yourself crying in different places, like that other guy we saw a little bit ago. Taking a picture of yourself crying in one spot is just lazy.
This guy is taking a selfie with his lawnmower like it’s the best friend he’s ever had. And do you know why that’s sad? Because it’s true. Oh, we’re sorry. Poor guy, he’s obviously reached a low point in his life, since he’s snapping pics with his self-propelled push mower. The last thing he needs is us roasting him.
We guess we’re mocking this guy because we’re jealous that we’ve never been able to have a meaningful relationship with our own lawnmowers. It seems like every piece of lawn equipment we buy is there for us in the beginning, but when the going gets tough, they quit. We may make fun of him, but the truth is, we’d love to have a lawnmower we could make excuses to take selfies with.
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