For your own safety, we think you should prepare for the following article in the same way you would prepare for a ride on a roller coaster. You should expect lots of ups and downs, and you should understand that you will almost definitely throw up. Now that you know what we're going to be dealing with, let's get on with the post.
Cooking is hard. They don't teach you how to do it in school, and sometimes YouTube tutorials just don't cut it. Because cooking is not an instinct, we tend to screw it up big time. And some people are more prone to these cooking fails than others. If you think you're a crappy cook, just look at these 15 people who need to GTFO of the kitchen. You'll be feeling like Gordon Ramsay before you know it.
Before they launched Go-Gurt, Yoplait decided to test run a line of yogurts designed specifically for dogs. But, because the packaging was so similar to regular yogurt, and because they had to keep the dog yogurt in the refrigerated section of the grocery store with the people yogurt, people were accidentally consuming the product, and they hated it. Plus, the fact that it was called "Dog-Gurt" was a huge turn off for customers, despite the fact that it was a yogurt for dogs. The Dog-Gurt sparked mass confusion among yogurt connoisseurs, and became the laughing stock of consumers, so it was recalled.
Vision. Use it, people. If you don't, before you know it, you'll be eating pet desserts and posting pictures about it on the internet that will go on to make it into one of these articles.
14 Fail flavored bagel
"Welp, I've got some bad news. It looks like we're fresh out of ipecac syrup. So, to induce vomiting, you're going to have to eat this bagel with Philadelphia brand low fat cream cheese and Flamin' Hot Cheetos on it. A few bites of this bad boy, and you'll be emptying your stomach in no time!"—said by a nurse in the emergency room to a patient who had swallowed poison. This event occurred shortly before the entire hospital was shut down.
Keep your cheesy snack foods off of the bagels! True, they're both tasty foodstuffs, but just because two foods are yummy doesn't give you the right to combine them. We mean, just because ice cream tastes like angel tears, and bananas are nature's perfect fruit, you would never dream of combining the two! Wait. Banana sundae. Dammit.
13 Sacrificial BIRTH cake
Happy BIRTH! All hail to the gods of BIRTH! Praise their holy names that they saw fit to allow you to be BIRTH-ed! Let us offer up this sacrificial BIRTH cake to them, as a way of saying thank you for their righteous and supreme BIRTH powers! Behold, the mighty blood icing, taken from the vessels of those who are undeserving of BIRTH—the perfect way to accent the buttermilk frosting! Gaze in awe at the sprinkles, which symbolize the many many people who have died just so the BIRTH gods could give you BIRTH! Huzzah! Now, blow out the sacred flames on the holy 99¢ candles that line your ceremonial BIRTH cake and make a blessed wish!
Yeah, that's a little too creepy. Maybe you should just buy a cake at Walmart.
12 Pasta à la burned to a crisp
Vegetarians are a sad lot. The reason they're sad is because they can't eat meat. In an attempt to convince themselves that they are not unhappy with their lives, they turn to pasta. We'll concede, pasta is a great consolation prize. We mean, have you tried cold spaghetti noodles? It tastes like heaven. But, we will never forget that one time back in '12, when a bunch of vegetarians started making "pasta steaks," like they were supposed to be T-bones or something.
The picture you see above documents the final attempt at a pasta steak. The vegan who whipped up this disgusting block of disappointment was attempting to grill a rotini pasta steak to medium rare. It didn't work. The next day, this vegan became a normal person. Uh, we mean, they became an omnivore.
11 Dammit, Phil
Ugh! Dammit, Phil! We can't have a nice meal in this house—er, article! We can't have anything nice because you always have to swoop in and stick your leg minion in our food. Remember last week, when you stuck your leg minion in our chicken spaghetti casserole and our dinner guest found a pinky toenail wedged in a tomato? Or the Thanksgiving two years back, when you sneakily hid your leg minion in our perfectly roasted turkey? We nearly choked on that scab that fell off of your heel after you wore a new pair of boots. So gross, Phil.
You know what, Phil? We have had about enough of you and your leg minion. Screw you and the high ass Pegasus you rode in on! Boing application, you miserable oaf!
10 Didn't see that coming
Is this supposed to be like one of those king cakes that people serve on Mardi Gras? Instead of a little plastic baby, does the person who finds the pair of glasses get good luck for the rest of the year? Or do they get good eyesight for the next 365 days? Or does the person who baked the cake pay for their vision insurance? What exactly is going on, here?
You know what? We don't really care too much about what's going on in this picture. We know that whoever baked this loaf of bread definitely needs to GTFO the kitchen, but we also know that we broke our reading glasses this morning, and we hate to have to drive all the way to the drugstore for another pair, so could we get a slice of this?
9 Frying up some fail
No, no, no, you kitchen virgins. You're doing it all wrong! You can grill sandwiches in butter on the stove, but you cannot grill sandwich cookies. It just doesn't work. We understand how you might be confused by this, but if you're going to become a qualified cook, you need to grasp this concept quickly. Now, toss these oily fail cookies in the garbage, where they belong, take the Oreo package out of the pantry, pour a glass of milk and enjoy a sweet, refreshing snack like somebody who knows what the hell they're doing.
We've always been a little disappointed in humanity. We mean, you can't see the fails we've seen and not feel some level of disdain for mankind. But we never dreamed people could be so despicable as to sauté Oreos.
8 The Cheerios are the pièce de résistance
Back to that Thanksgiving we were telling you about. You remember, the one when we found Phil's leg minion in our turkey? Well, we neglected to tell you that that wasn't the only disappointment of the day. Our Aunt Georgina, who is notorious for making abominable side dishes, showed up with this. She said it was green bean casserole with peas and a Honey Nut Cheerio topping, but we're 99.99% sure that it was baked vomit.
We've tried our hardest to block this memory from our delicate psyche, but we're just not strong enough. Our therapist convinced us that we should stop trying to forget it, and share our story with others as a means of coping, instead. So that's exactly what we did. Too bad it doesn't seem to be making us feel better.
7 Leave the ponies alone, you monsters!
Look, we know what the back of the box says, but smacking the pony is a totally unnecessary step in the pasta cooking process. It does nothing to improve the taste of the pasta, and it's certainly not as important as salting the water you boil it in. Besides, once the animal rights activists found out that Italian food lovers were smacking ponies every time they made fettuccine, they threw a royal fit. Long story short, not only is smacking the pony pointless, it's illegal.
Interestingly, as upset as the animal rights activist's were about the smacking of the ponies, it was the blind refugees who really couldn't handle it. They assembled in protests worldwide, chanting "smack the pony and leave! inviting any cruel bastard who smacked a pony to GTFO of the kitchen.
6 Microwaves are not bombproof
The United States government had to learn the hard way that you should never conduct your top secret nuclear bomb testing in the break room microwave. When you do that, stuff gets destroyed, the whole building smells like death and lunch gets ruined. The government also learned that while the jar of Choco Nussa mixed with a nuclear bomb was highly effective at destroying small appliances, it was not nearly powerful enough to justify pursuing. The idea was trashed, the microwave replaced and the Choco Nussa repurchased.
We've got a cooking tip for you all. It's minor, but it's vital. Always remove any metal objects from the microwave before hitting "start." If you make the mistake of microwaving a jar with the lid on, you're just signing yourself up for a whole lotta fail.
5 Vegetables? WTF are those?
Vegetables? What are these tables made of vege that you speak of? Can these tables of vege seat ten people? Because our dining room set is on its last leg, so we're in the market for a new one. LOL, just kidding, you guys. We know what vegetables are. But this kitchen illiterate moron doesn't. We're not criticizing this internet user's parents, but we think it's fair to say that if your child doesn't know what lettuce is, you should probably go back to the drawing board and evaluate your parenting style.
The fact that this person knows what Doritos are and has no clue what lettuce is shows why obesity is an epidemic in America. Maybe we should buy some vegetable flashcards so this embarrassing scenario doesn't happen again.
4 Meatloaf baby has come for you
Well, that is the last time we let Hannibal Lecter babysit. He has turned one too many of our infants into disturbing meatloaves. He really needs to work on his recipe, by the way. The baby meatloaf in the picture above was dry and flavorless. If it weren't for the bacon diaper, we wouldn't have had any of it. 'Course, you know how Hannibal Lecter is. He's so damn pushy! "Drink this Chianti. Eat these fava beans. Have another slice of the baby meatloaf, or you'll be next." Learn to reign in that enthusiasm, alright there, Hanny?
We'll tell you what really did it for us was the garlic clove eyes. Once we saw the dead, hollow eyes staring at us from those meaty sockets, we promised ourselves we'd never attend anymore of Lecter's dinner parties.
3 Chicken and Melted Plastic Parmesan
"If you want to get all of the dangerous carcinogenic benefits of plastic, but you don't want to break your teeth and make your gums bleed with the sharp shards of it, then try our new Chicken and Melted Plastic Parmesan! Marinated in a specialized brine for twenty-six hours, delicately massaged with a secret blend of herbs and spices, then cooked to perfection over a cancer-causing red mat thingy, our Chicken and Melted Plastic Parmesan is a delicious dish that's well worth the chemotherapy!"
It's not really surprising that Cancer Cristoforo's Authentic Italian Food Restaurant shut down after this ad aired. It was incredibly insensitive, and people didn't really respond well to having their Italian meals served with a side of cancer. Cristoforo should probably change up his recipe before he tries to open another eatery.
2 This is just nuts
Ugh! Why are peanut butter jars so difficult to open?! We're so sick of having to break out the chainsaw every time we want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich! Hold on. We just got the best idea! What if, on every plastic jar of peanut butter, there were some kind of screw top? Yeah! What if we placed a cap on each jar? That way, you could open it up with ease, remove the desired amount of peanut butter, then return the cap for easy storage? Ha ha! Brilliant! Somebody, write this down! We've got to call a lawyer about filing a patent.
Actually, we're allergic to peanuts, so we think we should be excused from this fail. If you're going to make us look at it, then we're going to need an Epipen.
1 You have GOT to be kidding
This has to be a joke. Is this a joke? If we get up and inspect the room, are we going to find a hidden camera crew filming our response to this forsaken image? Because we honestly just get the worst vibe from this picture. It's making us paranoid, and we don't know if it's because someone is punking us, or if it's because this person is dead serious.
Well, that's about enough fail for one day. We think we'll go call our parents and thank them for teaching us how to cook. Then, we'll make ourselves a cheese and bacon soufflé and turn on some Hell's Kitchen. Thanks for tuning in to 15 people who need to GTFO of the kitchen! Until next time, folks. Bone ape tit. We mean, bon appétite.