The art of being savage is like any other great talent: you either have it, or you don’t. To be truly savage, one must get in touch with all those deeply rooted thoughts that are the epitome of complete and total social norm annihilation. Being savage is not for the weak at heart. To be truly savage, one must leave caution to the wind and let those truth bombs fly, no matter how devastating the aftermath may be. The brutal act of savagery often hits its intended audience by surprise and leaves one feeling crushed to the core, standing in dumbfounded awe, and blinking wildly. Lucky for the rest of us, the results are absolutely hilarious. These 15 people are the gold standard in savage AF that should inspire us all.
Picture it: it's a crisp fall day. The neighborhood Starbucks has leaves painted on the windows between signs advertising that the PSL is back. You walk in to find that the line is eight people deep. All you want is your Double Espresso Americano and to GTFO, but here you are: in line with eight asshats ordering pumpkin this and pumpkin that. The kid behind you is running in and out of the line and definitely kicked you that one time. Of course, the mother is doing nothing—just yapping on the phone to some poor soul in the Fabletics customer service department about how her leggings arrived in the wrong color. The kid bolts in front of you and shoves its grubby little face on the glass case and spots that last lone muffin. You order it and smile at the little turd as you turn to leave and promptly throw that damn muffin the trash on the way out.
Oh, this poor little girls face speaks a thousand words. Most of which are insults hurled at her POS brother. Anyone who's a carbolic knows that this is a truly savage beast of an act. It hurts just to look at it. Having the teeniest tiniest one bite of a pancake is without a doubt infinitely worse than no pancake at all. There is no greater breakfast on the face of this earth than a stack of pancakes with warm butter and maple syrup with a side of bacon. The savagery is so strong with this one, we feel the urge to find this girl and take her for the best damn pancakes money can buy. We'll have to go to at least three different places.
We have a lot to deal with when it comes to taking public transportation. First, there's the unspoken (but well-known) bet between bus drivers where they see who can be the most late (read: biggest jerks) when picking up their passengers. And then, there's the fact that we're packed like sardines next to strangers who, well, smell like sardines. It ain't fun, so despite the fact that this savage person puts the 'P' in pettiness, we have to give them props for cleverness.
Yes, this lady will be in for quite the startle when her stop comes and she can't get up, but we like to believe that that's the price you pay for pissing off bus strangers who are already pissed off. This could become the new official way to let people know when they have wronged you. Just tie their hair to their seats and wait for the action to begin. On second thought though, we like our hair, thank you very much, and let's be honest, bumping into people while on the bus is our only means of getting out our pent-up passive aggressive anger. If we lose that, the world as we know it will most definitely go up in flames.
Let’s take a minute to applaud the Master of Tweet Savagery, Mr. George Takei. George literally wrote the book on internet comebacks, Oh Myyy! If you aren’t aware of his daily social media savage AF posts, check out the book or simply google his name for hours of good times. In this tweet from December of last year after Donald Trump had been named President-Elect, Mr. Takei takes down Donald Trump so simply, so seamlessly, so brilliantly that it deserves a round of applause. We hear Vegas has 4 to 1 odds that this will happen within six months. Who wants in?
In case you’ve been living under a rock, you know that the Women’s March was held in Washington D.C. the day after the inauguration. Over three million people marched in protest of Trump and his administration, in solidarity with over 620 marches held in other cities across the US and 62 sister countries worldwide. This beautiful cross-stitch was created in lieu of the typical protest sign on poster board and is an amazing form of being passive aggressive. We can only imagine the little, tiny shred of relief each of those 3000 stabs of the needle into that blood red fabric provided.
It’s so refreshing when corporations have a sense of humor and aren’t afraid to use social media to take down the haters just like the rest of us do. This savage beatdown courtesy of Aldi is one of the best. Not only does it slam the girl bragging about failing a test, it also takes a shot at Micky D’s, and who doesn’t love to stick it to that sorry excuse for a restaurant. Aldi went in deep, bringing up toilets, and kudos for that! We love an employer that actually makes you prove your worth in the form of education—even if the job is just cleaning the loo. If more companies followed Aldi’s example *ahem looking at you, McDonalds* the world would be a better place.
LOL, amirite? Now some of you may be thinking that this is a little too blasphemous for good taste, but now that wouldn’t be very savage of you now, would it? The layers of this savage act are more than whoever did this probably even intended.
If this wasn't the act of some silly teenager who was browsing the aisles of Walmart and decided to have a little fun, then it was definitely the act of some bored employee who starts every shift asking God, "Why me?!" Either way, this is savage act if we ever did see one and there's one thing we know for certain: Jesus wouldn't be proud.
From Jesus to science! Like George Takei, Bill Nye the Science Guy is another savage AF tweeter. From the twitter handle alone, you know whatever he has to say is gonna be lit—just like the bunsen burner fires he used to light under our asses in the '90s when dropping mad truths about science. Come back to TV, Bill Nye! The world needs you now more than ever. In this tweet, not only does Bill lay some hard truth about death, but he calls it like it is for the enlightened of the world. Watching the stupid meander about is painstaking. We try to educate, but as Bill points out, it’s a lost cause.
Speaking of stupid people, who let this happen? Bob Barker would never let this happen. A strong congratulatory pat on the back to the producers for putting someone with disabilities on the show. More shows should follow suit. People with disabilities deserve to be seen and heard just like the rest of us. But here’s where it gets savage: The Price is Right would have to make certain accommodations for a person in a wheelchair to be on the show. Getting from the stadium-like seating pit to the contestant row is a challenge in itself, and then having a platform so they are able to see over the podium, and then to get up on stage. You get the picture: a lot goes into giving this woman a chance on the stage. So why in the name of Plinko would a treadmill even be a winning option? Absolute savagery.
It’s not just corporations, game shows, celebrities and ordinary Joe Schmoe’s that like to get in on the Savage AF game. It’s cartoon characters, too. Some of the most disturbingly savage displays of rejection come from cartoons, like this one from Arthur, when Muffy was pure savage gold. If you ever watched Arthur as a kid, or let’s be honest, last week, then you know Muffy is the mean girl of the school. Look at her pulling up in her chauffeured stretched town car with those fancy AF reverse swing car doors that you only see on a Royce. She gets out with her perfect little pigtails and ironed purple dress with knee high socks and what can only be genuine leather suede shoes and asks Arthur if he would like a ride. Naturally, Arthur’s BFF, Buster, walks with him toward the town car thinking he’s invited, too. Muffy Dive shuts him down flat and slams the door in his face. S.A.V.A.G.E.
We’ve seen how a brother can go savage on his sister (we are still thinking about that poor child and her tiny pancake), so now let’s take a look at a sister who, when provoked, will go straight-up beast mode on a girl that comes for her in the name of her brother. Possessive girls are THE WORST. Honey, just trust your man and leave his phone where it lies. Nobody likes a snoop. Not to mention the stress level it leaves you under, constantly checking his phone wondering what he’s hiding. Ain’t nobody got time for that. On to the sister: here’s the deal for all you girls that don't know: you all come and go, but a sister is forever. 'Nuff said.
What’s even better than a sibling that goes savage? A mother. When a mom comes for you, you know you’re gonna be sore the next day. Take this text for example: this child tried to hand it to their mom by basically saying STFU and mom reacted by shutting her kid down in three simple words. Yaasss Momma! Now, not all of us are lucky enough to have a mom with a sense of humor like this, but to those that are, apply some ice to that gnarly burn, learn from it and go forth and do unto others as your mom did unto you. As for the rest of you, just 'cause your momma is uptight doesn't mean she doesn't know how to hand it to your sorry ass. So do yourself a favor and don’t even try.
For the sake of argument, let's just say that this glorious post response is from this person's father. Just imagine you are having one of those days where everything is just blah. You go onto Facebook to post about your feelings, trying to be insightful so you don't look like a whiny sack of sh*t who can't get your life together. So what if you've been doing this a lot lately? Who cares if no one really knows what you're talking about? You're just looking for a little attention anyways; you don't really want to talk. Maybe all the likes, loves, sad faces and "what's wrong?" responses will cheer you up. Never did you ever expect Dad to deliver this nugget of hard truth for all your friends and followers to see. Maybe rethink the vague posting next time. Nobody likes that sh*t—not even your dad.
Ah, children. Whoever said they were a gift probably never met this little guy. The amount of rage in his compact body is troublesome to say the least, but nevertheless we are LOLing over this one. Yeah, he’s probably too young to have seen The Purge, but somehow he was "imaginative" enough to grab that mask and knife the second his neighbor kicks over his bike. Luckily, we know he's joking, but in terms of savagery, this kid is going places. Maybe not happy places full of rainbows and sunshine where unicorns poop glitter cookies overlooking a chocolate waterfall, but definitely places. Hey, someone has to direct the never ending stream of B grade horror movies, right? We would hire him as head writer and prop master, he’s so damn good.
We so hope that this sign is outside of a baby store. They would probably lose all business and be forced to shutter their doors, but it would be #WorthIt to get away with this next-level savagery. Moms get so uptight about these things, especially new moms who really have no idea how life-altering a child is despite all of your best efforts. But to those of us who choose to be child-free for these exact reasons (and the occasional mom who can laugh at her reality), this savage sign speaks so much truth, it might was well be hooked up to a polygraph machine and given a gold star (or medal, as it were) for passing with a perfect score.