We went to Target today and they were out of Animal Crackers. We've been eating those puppies every day since we were three-years-old, and we're not about to give up on that winning streak now, by gum. Fortunately, we were able to track some down at another supermarket, but those few minutes when we didn't think we'd find any, we were wigging out.
Sometimes, you freak out, and it can hard to freak back in. That's why we always make sure we've got our prescription of chill pills with us, to help soothe our nerves when we lose our minds (which happens a lot more often than we care to admit). And these 15 people who need to take a chill pill ASAP, would be wise to do the same.
15 Her ex better start running
We know spite can be one heck of a motivator. We remember when our sister stole the crust-less peanut butter and jelly sandwich that our mom made specifically for us, and we remember being so mad at her, we microwaved her Barbies. But as mad as we were, we weren't about to construct a gun that uses our own tears for bullets.
Heck, even when we found out our best friend had been cheating with our then boyfriend, we still couldn't be bothered to construct a tear gun. So what we want to know is the backstory of this invention. Like the commenter above, we'd also like to know who hurt her. But no matter how they hurt her, one thing's for sure—they better stay away from her, now.
14 This bothers us, but maybe we should just "let it go"
We don't know if Faceswap is the one who needs a chill pill, or if it's Princess Elsa who could definitely stand to pop a couple of them. It probably wouldn't hurt if they both took a dose, because this picture is too helter skelter. Everybody needs to just take a step back, maybe do some breathing exercises, *inhales, exhales* get up and stretch a little bit. Take a walk. Just lower that blood pressure a little bit and get back in the zen zone.
Maybe Faceswap and Elsa need a vacation. A bit of time off to ease the stress. Give these two a couple of weeks to relax by themselves, and maybe when they come back, Faceswap will remember how it's supposed to work, and Elsa won't be so full of herself.
13 College: hard for students, even harder for professors
College is stressful as all get out, mmmkay? It's hard carrying your books all across campus to get to your classes, and taking notes and trying to find the energy/willpower to study and, on top of all of that, you still have to find the time to take care of your everyday needs, like eating and sleeping. It's a balancing act that feels like it's slowly killing you, not gonna lie.
But for college kids, the pressure lets up in a few years. What about the professors, though? They're trapped in that place for the duration of their careers, grading papers, assigning homework, pretending to care. That must be hard. So we don't blame this professor for wigging out, although he might benefit from some chill pills.
12 We're sensing some anger issues
We're so happy this Tumblr user was able to locate their old memory card. Well, okay, that might be a bit of a reach. We're not actually "so happy," but we had to segue into talking about this picture somehow, and that was the best we could do. Look, you try coming up with these little paragraph blurb thingies, okay? It's not always easy! Sigh. Maybe we're the ones who need the chill pills.
We're glad this person found their old pictures, but we had no idea that said pictures would go on to reveal such deep underlying anger issues. Kicking statues? And not just any statues, statues of children having fun? What's next, posting the whole thing to the internet? Oh. Would ya look at that? We guess so.
11 A pyromaniac's birthday bash
We have a feeling this person's family members didn't know that they had been left alone to their own devices, otherwise this cupcake flame-throwing experiment likely wouldn't have happened. Still, it was all in the name of science. Yes, that's right. This was definitely important scientific research, and not the mad musings of a pyromaniac. Ha ha ha! Why would you even think that?!
Listen, you guys stay over here and see if you can't force a handful of chill pills down this Tumblr user's gullet. We're going to go and track down a fire extinguisher. Fingers crossed when we put out that blazing birthday candle fire, we're still able to salvage that cupcake, because if we can't, that'll be a real travesty. We'll be right back.
10 Dad's never heard of animals before
Hey, you know what? We think we've still got those animal flashcards that our parents used to help us learn words when we were little. They must be in the back of our closet somewhere. Do you think, if we find them, this dad might want them? Because it looks to us like he could really benefit from them, seeing as how he's apparently never heard of an alpaca before. Just a thought.
This dad could use some chill pills. But we have to say, as much as he needs to calm down, at least his excitement about this alpaca (who, by the way, looks like she is in heaven with all of this attention), is adorable. Someday, we want to meet someone who's this happy to see us.
Oh. Oooh, suddenly we don't feel so good, you guys. We don't know, we're just really sick to our stomach. We wonder if this has anything to do with that squeezable bacon that we had with our omelet at breakfast. Do you think that might have caused it?
We have no doubt that the people over at the Squeezable Bacon Company have nothing but the very best of intentions, but isn't that what the road to hell is paved with? Everybody just go and take some chill pills, and when we all reconvene here, perhaps we'll all realize that bacon—pure, sweet, artery-clogging bacon—was never meant to be churned into something that probably isn't biodegradable and shoved into bottles like a condiment. Sound like a plan?
8 Dream big, kids
"Follow your dreams!" It's funny, because even though people always tell you that you should "reach for the stars," they don't actually mean it. Look at this guy. He wanted to become an astronaut. Never mind that he had no training or experience of any kind. He didn't let any of that get to him. Instead, he took the advice of teachers, parents and other jaded adults to heart, and continued to "dream big!"
But where did all of that dreaming get him? Nowhere. Even when he slathered himself in baby oil and streaked through the Kennedy Space Center, he still couldn't achieve his dream. Oh, well. At least the people from the asylum who came to take him away probably have an endless supply of chill pills.
7 That seems a tad melodramatic
If we thought sticking panty liners all over would solve our problems, we'd break out the Always for light days right now and wallpaper this entire room in pads. Sure, that would be weird. And it would probably make some people uncomfortable. But if that was in any way capable of resolving some of our life's more pressing matters at the moment, we'd do it in a heartbeat. Plus, think about how absorbent the walls would be afterwards. Who doesn't want absorbent walls?
It sounds counter-intuitive, but we're going to wait for this hungry and hormonal girl to calm down a little bit on her own before we approach her with a bottle of chill pills. In fact, maybe we'll just mail them to her. That's probably safer.
6 Fan fiction—destroying lives and peeling potatoes
We know that we should talk about how this girl needs to take some chill pills, and we will get to that, we promise. But first, can you even imagine how many potatoes you would have at your disposal if you had been peeling them for three whole hours? You could make a five gallon bucket full of mashed potatoes, and nobody could stop you. This girl is about to become the Potato Princess, the Royal Queen of Carbs. That's a title we wouldn't mind having.
Okay, delicious potato discussion aside, now we can address this girl. Aw, honey. Don't let the fan fictions get to you, okay? If we took every fan fic we've ever read to heart, we'd be psychotic lunatics! Ha ha ha! Hey, wait a minute...
5 That's a pretty crappy comparison
We guess people don't like it when you compare them to the poop emoji. Who knew? Boy, we're just glad we saw this before we sent this same text sequence to everyone in our contacts list. That would've been embarrassing.
We're concerned for this sister right now because she seems very angry about her resemblance to the poop emoji. And we think this lack of patience when presented with what is clearly a joke means only one thing: she has no sense of humor. We're going to get her on the sense of humor donor list, but in the meantime, she should double her dose of chill pills and see if that doesn't help ease her symptoms, because there's just no reason to get so angry about a joke.
4 Not now, Pizza Hut
We love Pizza Hut. The way they've so cleverly figured out how to shove cheese into their pizza's crusts. The way they deliver the food to us while we lounge around the house in our pajamas. The way they don't laugh at us when we tell them we love them on the phone after we've called in our order. Seriously, Pizza Hut? You're one in a million. Don't ever change, do you hear us? We mean it.
We love Pizza Hut. The famous hut that is full of pizza. It's like our second family. But still, Pizza Hut, if you're using the deaths of two of your delivery drivers as an opportunity to advertise job openings, you might need to step out of the kitchen and pop some chill pills.
3 Barbara's a problem solver
Sheesh, Barbara, that's a little harsh, don't you think? Cutting off peoples' hands sounds like punishment taken to the extreme to us, but to Barbara, it makes perfect sense. We get the feeling she has a tendency toward going overboard. Oh, but please don't let her know that we said that, okay? She'd probably try to break our kneecaps with a baseball bat if she thought we were talking about her behind her back.
The comments section of this newspaper when from zero to 180 in, like, two seconds flat. If you could harness that kind of power and put it in a luxury vehicle, that would become the best-selling sports car on the market. And if it ran on chill pills instead of gasoline, it'd be cost effective, too.
2 Fish excitement
This person must be the son of that dad who freaked out about alpacas. It's the only way to explain their animal uproar.
We're not doctors, although we do have really bad handwriting, but still, we don't' know if that's all it takes to be a licensed medical professional. Anyway, as non-doctors, we couldn't tell you what all of the side effects of chill pills are, or even which diseases and/or ailments that they're supposed to treat. We can't say if chill pills will help stop this person's nose bleed. However, we can pretty much figure out that chill pills will help clear up some of their excitement about their fish, and we figure that would be a good thing, because this is getting a little bit weird.
1 The church of latter day cough killers
Hey, lady, we're sorry that this person is disturbing your church time, but looking over your shoulder and glaring at them every time they have a coughing fit isn't going to make their cold go away, alright? Although, it would be rad if that did work. Kind of like how, when you get the hiccups, and somebody scares you and then they go away, but instead, every time you get an upper respiratory infection or something, this woman gives you her signature Death Gaze™, and then the sickness goes away. That'd be amazing.
This person may be coughing, but it's that lady who needs the medication. She needs 50 cc's of chill pills, stat! We have no idea what that means, but never mind. This is urgent!