We have an attention span the size of a—hey, look! There goes an Eastern Tiger Swallowtail Butterfly, right outside the window! Man we could go for some ice cream. Sure, it’s only eight in the morning, but still. It’s always time for delicious frozen treats. Hmm. We wonder where we put our old computer games? We’re planning on having some free time this weekend. Maybe we’ll get to play one. ‘Course, those jigsaw puzzles ain’t gonna do themselves! Ha ha ha! Ah.
Wait a minute. What were we talking about? Oh, right! Our attention span. It’s wicked short. Usually, it’s not a problem, but when left to our own devices, we can end up in sticky situations—much like these 15 people who probably shouldn’t have been left unsupervised.
15. A good time or an arrestable offense? You decide
This girl did something very wrong. First of all, she used one of those motorized carts at the grocery store, which are intended to help the elderly and the physically compromised. Plus, on top of that, she got publicly intoxicated and pigged out on poultry products. No matter how fun this situation sounds, this is simply unacceptable. And even though we want to follow her lead, we must exercise some self-control and refrain from doing so.
Do you think that this was premeditated? If so, does that make it sadder or more hilarious? We can’t decide. All we know is suddenly we have an intense craving for cruising around Walmart in one of those motorized carts with a box of wine and a bucket of fried chicken.
14. Cupcakes are the new fruit
We love fruit (which is actually a lie, we can’t stand anything healthy, our body is allergic to it, but just go with us on this), but no matter how juicy those peaches that you got from the local fruit stand are, and no matter how crisp and sweet those apples the neighbor gave you taste, they just can’t compete with chocolate. Sorry, but that’s the honest truth.
Yeah. Maybe this husband shouldn’t have been left to his own devices. Maybe he should have had some sort of supervision while doing the grocery shopping. But can you really fault him for taking something as seemingly disappointing as a fruit bowl and turning it into a basket of happiness by filling it with individually wrapped cupcakes? No, you cannot.
13. Quit “kitten” around, kid
Kids are tricky because they wear you out so much that you need to lock yourself in the bathroom just to get a break, but then when you do, you leave them alone to go off and entertain themselves, and that’s when they get into all sorts of mischief. The little stinkers.
This kid probably shouldn’t have been left to his own devices, but the upside is a) we get a hilarious photo out of his feline imitating escapade, and b) at least he didn’t break anything. This picture is really going to come in handy when this little guy grows up and starts bringing dates home. His parents can whip this picture out and embarrass the crap out of him. It’s a delayed reaction win.
12. Eyebrows on fleek
Somebody should not have been left all by their lonesome. We’re not sure if giving the family cat a makeover is a sign of boredom or some kind of cry for help, or what. Hey, hold on a minute. We bet we know who’s behind this. That little boy in the cat carrier probably has a sister, and while he distracted their parents by making weird cat noises while hiding in the pet taxi, she was probably off applying eye shadow and lipstick to Mittens, here.
We have a lot of questions for the person who did this, but we’ll narrow it down to two: how did they manage to hold that cat still long enough to give it a makeover, and can they please do our makeup next?
11. We’ll just go barefoot, thanks
We had a neighbor like this, one time. Every day when his wife left the house—she worked at a local restaurant, while he worked from home—he would go out into their garage and pick through their old things. And without discriminating between which items could be given to charity and which ones needed to go in the garbage, he would take whatever he found and then try to sell it on Craigslist.
We don’t know who this Birkenstocks owner thinks they’re kidding, but those sandals are not in “like new” condition. If they, by some strange miracle, manage to sell these suckers, they need to turn right around and use the money to book an appointment with an eye doctor, because we’re seriously concerned about their vision.
10. Redefining what it means to “break the bank”
Wow. We knew emojis were fun to send to people in texts and stuff, but who knew those cute little guys were actually a threat to cyber security? They’re like little digital grenades, tearing down firewalls and busting through complicated security systems. Which sounds hilarious, but when you think about it, it’s kind of a problem, because if your bank’s online security can be compromised by this ? then you might want to find another place to keep your money.
Clearly, this “Anna” person (as if that’s even her real name) wields FAR too much power, with her emoji naming of her bank accounts. She never should have been left unsupervised. There’s no telling what other security systems she might destroy with her powerful ? and mighty ?
9. Semper ubi sub ubi, y’all
The removal of one’s bra after a long, hard day of wearing one is akin to taking your shoes and socks off after a run, or stretching your legs after sitting criss-cross applesauce for an hour. It’s a euphoric feeling, and it might sound like we’re just being dramatic for effect, but that’s only because we are.
Look, suffice it to say, sometimes you just gotta take your bra off for reasons. But once you start removing your undergarments while going 50 on the freeway, and throwing your unmentionables willy nilly to the wind, you no longer need to be allowed to drive unsupervised. You wanna go commando at home, that’s your business, but tossing your underwear all over the roadway (accidentally or not) is taking things too far.
8. Oh, Nic Cage, you really are a National Treasure
For a wild minute there, the digital backup guide lines had us thinking that this was a picture of Nicolas Cage using a pair of chopsticks to hold up his eyelids. That had us scratching our heads. Also, the red plus sign between his teeth made it look like he had a Ring Pop. Mmm. Ring Pops. Remember those things? Our favorite flavor was sour cherry berry. So tasty.
There we go, getting all distracted again. Why didn’t you guys say something? Anyway, we might think this person’s prank on their wife is hilarious, but we imagine she wasn’t inclined to agree when she tried to back out of the driveway, then got the crap scared out of her by the guy who stole the Declaration of Independence.
7. His lying game is about as good as Pinocchio’s
We feel bad for this guy. Well, sorta. It’s hard for us to feel anything but intense irritation for a guy who cheats on his bae. Maybe we’re just old-fashioned, but we just can’t get behind the idea of two-timing. Still, keeping all that aside, we feel bad for him because his lying game sucks on toast.
Our little brother can come up with better tall tales, and he’s only three. When he does something bad, he blames his pet goldfish, who, being that she’s a fish, can’t do much of anything besides swim around her glass bowl and eat the little flecks of food we give her. We mean, if you’re going to be an adulterer who does drugs, at least be a good liar, right? Right.
6. The Dwight Schrute Collection: perfect for at home or The Office
Hmmm, which color shirt should we wear today? The rancid mustard yellow, or the doctor’s office appointment room tan? Both are good options. We guess we can’t really go wrong, either way.
These are the most unappealing colors we’ve seen since the 70’s, back when everything from furniture to wall decor to clothing was “vomit” orange, and “toxic sludge” brown, and “that’s probably infected” green, and “I’m actually not so sure that’s lemonade” yellow. The only explanation here, provided the person who put this display together wasn’t simply colorblind, is that they were making a statement, and that statement is Dwight Schrute. Welp. You know what this means, don’t you? It means we have to stop what we’re doing and go binge-watch The Office real quick. BRB.
5. HAAAAALP!! THE DOGGIES ARE IN TROUBLE!! SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!!
Dogs should never be left alone. Never. Not under any circumstances. And not just because they can sometimes get themselves into trouble, but also because they are, each and every one of them, delightfully good boys and girls who enrich our lives, and bring meaning to every day moments, and…*sniffs* and…*cries* excuse us, would you please? We have to go hug our dog.
It looks like these crazy four-legged kids are having a great time up there on that roof. They seem so proud of themselves for breaking out of the house. But, uh, this is making us really nervous, so if someone could call the fire department so we can usher these two back into the safety of their home, that would be great. Thanks a lot.
4. **Brought to you by the National Goat Census Bureau**
Dads are a strange breed. One minute, they’re lecturing us about how we need to apply ourselves, and get a good job so that we can afford our own house and start a family, and save some money, and blah, blah, blah. But then the next minute, they’re cracking their stereotypical dad jokes and sending us useless crap like this. We mean, come on, dads. You want to criticize us for our life choices? How about you stop sending us goat statistics first, and then we’ll talk, okay?
Much as we think this dad shouldn’t have been left unsupervised, and much as we loathe to admit it, we still think this is good information. Now, there’s literally nothing stopping us from petting all the goats in America.
When “this person never should have been left unsupervised” meets “this person has way too much time on their hands” the results are often, how do you say, “quite interesting.” Case in point? This picture, featuring one wild and crazy text conversation that didn’t really go the way we expected it to, but then again, we’re not really sure which way we expected it to go, so *shrugs*
We’re not sure if we would consider this a genuine lifehack, but it’s useful information all the same. Should we ever find ourselves finger-less and stylus-less, with only a tortilla, we will not hesitate to use it to text our friends about it. Thank you, random person, for this WTF suggestion. Your weird contribution is very much appreciated.
2. Curly hair: *laughs maniacally, pets fluffy white cat*
To give you an idea of just how difficult curly hair can be, it took Pixar three years to figure out how to properly animate Princess Merida’s hair, and they ended up having to come up with a new type of animation just to pull it off. Curly hair has a mind of its own, and the tighter the coil, the truer that statement becomes.
If only someone had been there to stop this girl from making the always fatal mistake of trying to combine bangs with 4A curls. Oh, well. Live and learn, right? Still, she should probably invest in some hair, skin and nail vitamins to boost hair growth, especially since it takes curly hair, like, five times as long as straight hair to show any real length.
1. A moment of silence for those with poor depth perception
We’re not faulting the drivers who ran into all of these signs. We mean, clearly they knew that there was something wrong with their vision, because this is the parking lot of the eye surgery center. At least all of these people were trying to get their sight fixed. So even though they’re responsible for the damage done here, they’re not entirely to blame.
No, some of the fault lies with us, the friends and relatives of those with poor depth perception. Perhaps if we had made more of an effort—if we had rearranged our schedules a wee bit, and held off on running meaningless errands—perhaps then, we would have been able to escort these people to their doctor appointments, and they wouldn’t have had to go unsupervised.
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