15 Pics Of 90s Kids Toys That Will Kind Of Ruin Your Childhood

Childhood memories.

They are something that many of us cherish now that we are grown up and saddled with loads of adult responsibilities. We recall the lazy days of summer vacation, long swims in lakes, snow forts, and warm cocoa and the toys, oh the toys! From Cabbage Patch Dolls to Trolls, we children of the '90s sure had it good when it came to playthings.

The innocent eyes of children never catch what our jaded adult eyes do. It's pretty wild to look at our old favorites with a heavy dose of sarcasm and a hint of twisted humor. The dolls of our past make us smile for different reasons now.

Check out these popular toys that once brought us such joy. Now they make us squirm.

15 A No Boundaries Doll To Completely Confuse Kids

via youtube.com

These days we teach young children about privacy and autonomy. Their bodies are theirs alone, not to be shared with anyone but mom and dad. Decades ago, toy companies pushed dollies that had a primary purpose of tinkling for all to see. How are children supposed to learn to keep privates private with toys like this one?

14 Mickey's Magic Toy

via buzzfeed.com

Oh Disney, you and your little innuendos. Disney seems to have no issue with sprinkling phallic symbols all over the place, and this child's microphone is no exception. Children only see something to sing into, but us adults might look at this instrument in a very different light. It seems a little bit like something else.

13 Lucky Robin

via viralnova.com

Do NOT push that trigger kid. Of all of the places to put a squirt toy push part, did it have to be there? We can think of lots of other places to place that specific component. We aren't quite sure how an entire marketing team missed this, but we imagine that many of those people are out of jobs these days.

12 Winnie Is Sure Happy To See Someone

via viralnova.com

We will bet anything that it's Christopher Robin who has Winnie's bear parts at attention, but for all we know, it could be because of Piglet. It's bad enough that this bear walks around all day with no pants on, did we have to push the envelope with this ill-thought-out position? Someone had their head in the gutter when they came up with this!

11 Even Dolls Have To Earn A Living It Seems

via nydailynews.com

Who on Earth thought it a grand idea to pitch a doll that shakes her groove thing on a pole? This particular toy is NOT the kind of doll that we are okay giving to our children. Obviously, some parents are cool with it though, considering it had its time sitting on store shelves. Pregnant Midge suddenly doesn't seem all that bad.

10 Dual Uses Maybe

via roodypoort.com/used.forsale.com

This 1982 toy caused such an uproar with its interesting design that the company behind the creation went belly up the following year. ET's finger might be misconstrued for something other than a light pointer by jaded minds. ET should phone more than home. He should phone toy executives and explain how this toy looks to grown-up minds.

9 It's A Wonder Teachers Let This Through Classroom Doors!

via wired.com

We have to admit that Wonder Woman is pretty cool, but the designer of these typical school tools might have benefitted from a bit more thinking time before green-lighting this contraption. The gal can save an entire planet for crying out loud, so this trick is a little bit beneath her.

8 Say The Name Very Slowly

via varagesale.com/hotelsneardisneyworld.blogspot.com

We are going to give you about thirty seconds to figure out what is suspicious regarding this old school bouncing ball. Here's a clue: it's in the name. Yeah, are you there yet? There it is! Of all the words to combine for a kid's toy, were these really the only possible choices? Sigh. Time for a total redesign.

7 Was There No Marketing Department In The Eighties And Nineties?

via complex.com/youtube.com

Maybe a marketing department or company design team wasn't a thing back in earlier decades? How did a toy like this make its way to store shelves for thousands of people to purchase. Anything that squirts and resembles a weenie is probably not okay for a child to play with. Get it together, people.

6 Could They Not Place The Straw ANYWHERE Else?

via complex.com

It's a straw guys. Children are using this product for the sole purpose of sucking liquids up. Knowing this, couldn't you have created a drink holder that had the straw attached in any other spot. Do you have to have a warped mind to work at toy designs? Maybe that was a pre-requisite many moons ago.

5 Preggo Barbie Leaving NOTHING To The Imagination

via boingboing.com

There is a bun in the oven for our favorite Midge doll! Isn't Midge a minor? This Barbie Doll was meant to teach a bit of anatomy to youngsters, but Mattel probably did kids a great disservice when they created a doll with a detachable tummy and nothing but a tiny plastic baby in it. Seriously. This is NOT how childbirth works guys.

4 Do NOT Put Your Mouth On That Thing

via complex.com/pinterest.com

Stop it now. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 hundred dollars. And do NOT, for any reason, blow this toy up. Everything about this toy makes us want to hide our children in an underground bunker and raise them wholesomely, away from gadgets like this and their makers.

3 Punisher Indeed

via pinterest.com/bossip.com

The drill portion of this action figure is particularly offense, not sure how that got by a whole lot of people involved in the creation of this thing. The actual design aside, the name of this guy is also concerning. Combine the look of the toy and the name, and you have a different kind of "toy," one that is certainly not geared toward youths.

2 Because Gross Was Fun

via purplepawn.com/pinterest.com

Kids love gross, and what is nastier than a toy dripping green snot? This thing is gag-worthy. What parent would buy this for their offspring? Ones not paying close attention is our guess. We hope they got what was coming to them and were forc3ed to play with this game over...and over...and over again.

1 Who Doesn't Love A Toy Strictkly Made For Violence

via theparentsocial.com/varagesale.com

The nineties were all about toys that encouraged fighting. After all, this was the decade of professional wrestling everything after all. Socker Boppers promoted siblings to pummel each other while sporting smiles. It's cool mom and dad, the hitting gloves and nice and soft so that no noses get snapped. Have fun in therapy future psychopaths!

Resources: complex.com, mashable.com

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