Heads up, this analogy is going to get real weird, real quick, but since it’s the only one we’ve got, we’re just going to go with it. Is that okay? Yes? Alright, good deal. Then we can proceed.
Trust is like a basketball made of glass. You need to make sure you know your teammates before you pass it to them. You need to know that they’re going to be gentle with the trust glass basketball, and not slam dunk it, causing it to shatter into a billion tiny glass shards, because not only would that be dangerous, it would also leave you heartbroken. Do you see what we’re saying? Hmm. Maybe if you look at these 15 pictures of pure betrayal that are the reason we have trust issues, you’ll see what we mean.
15. That’s the least secure security camera we’ve ever seen
When we were little, our older sister babysat us one time while our parents went to a funeral. She let us stay up late with her and watch one of those stereotypical sci-fi movies, where the computers and other gadgets achieve sentience and enslave the human race. For a long time, we worried about that. Even now, as adults, that idea has haunted us. What if the computers do overthrow us humans? What if gadgets actually revolt?
Well, it looks like we don’t have to worry about that anymore! See, we figure if this security camera can’t even figure out that this isn’t an actual room, but rather a picture of a room, there’s no point in worrying about technology being smart enough to enslave us all. Hooray!
14. Pink-skinned and PO’d
Hey, wait a minute, Palmer Paint Products! You said this stuff would be easy to wash off. You said it would be easy to remove from both skin and fabrics. So what gives? How come your product says it’s easy to remove, but then it acts like it never said that at all? Why is your product as two-faced as this girl, Janice, that we knew back in junior high? Dang it, Palmer Paint Products, we need answers—and turpentine—stat!
We’re glad she’s decided to sue, but we also think this girl should learn to accept her new pink skin. She should create a show, inspired by the Blue Man Group, called Pink PO’d Girl Solo, or something. Look, we never said we were good at picking stage names, alright? Sheesh.
13. The betrayal runs deep in this family
“No, honey, we don’t have a favorite,” they said. “We love you and your sister equally, darling, and we always will,” they said. Oh, but they lied. For years, Wendy and Linda’s grandparents assured them that they loved them both equally. But still, they wondered.
Their sibling rivalry was apparent from the start. Some days, it looked like Wendy was going to come out on top. Others, it was clear that Linda was the victor. But it was only when the two girls visited their grandparents and saw this gigantic picture of Linda sitting next to a small photo of what might be Wendy with her parents, or might be a “came with the frame” family, that it became all too clear how Grandma and Grandpa really felt.
We could tell you a million times how much we love macaroni and cheese. But no matter how many times we reiterate, we’ll never be able to impress upon you just how much we really, truly, wholeheartedly adore that most delicious and sacred of pasta and cheese dishes. Seriously, if we could marry macaroni and cheese, we would. But since we can’t, we guess we’ll just stick to eating so much of it that we feel sick and then hate ourselves, just like we always do.
We love macaroni and cheese, but when the box does this, sometimes we wonder if the feeling is mutual. Why won’t you open up to us the same way we open up to you, macaroni and cheese? Because, this? This hurts.
11. We can’t even be”leaf” you right now
There’s an unspoken agreement between humankind and dead leaves. The deal is we rake them up, while they crunch under our feet whenever we see one on the sidewalk and go out of our way to step on it. Nobody knows just why these rules exist, but exist they do, and the only way the whole thing works is if we humans and those leaves all come together and keep up our own ends of the bargain.
We try to do our part. Gather the leaves into nice piles when autumn rolls around. But not every leaf appreciates all we do. Some of them still refuse to crunch when we step on them. And that sound? The sound of them not crunching? That’s the sound of pure betrayal.
10. Biscuits and lies
We’re pretty patient people. Somebody cuts us off in traffic, we don’t flip them off, we just let it slide. Somebody “forgets” to answer all 82 of the texts we sent them, it’s cool, we don’t care. See? We’re totally patient. But if there is one thing we’ve got a short fuse for, it’s when people leave huge containers in the fridge with disproportionately small bits of food in them. WHY YOU DO THIS, FELLOW HOOMANS? WE TRY UNDERSTAND BUT CAN’T.
We can relate to this sister’s frustration about the chicken bucket with only a biscuit in it. For we, too, have felt the keen sting of opening a half-gallon ice cream container only to find two spoonfuls of rocky road left at the bottom. That’s a scar that never heals.
9. *Actual footage of us trying to open up to other people*
Don’t want to open up for us, eh, Mr. Soda Can? Don’t want us to simply crack you open so that we may enjoy the tasty, fizzy beverage inside, hmm? Aren’t you so tricky, Mr. Soda Can! Aren’t you so clever to be pulling one over on us like this, with your first pop top followed by your second pop top! Well, ’tis no matter, for we have ways of dealing with difficult cans like you. Oh, yes. We have our ways. Muahahahaha! *Flips welder’s helmet down, brandishes blowtorch*
8. We hope their relationship can heal from this betrayal
If you can’t trust your girlfriend to purchase a manly loofah for you, then just who the heck else are you supposed to entrust that holy task to, huh? Man, this bites. How are this guy’s friends going to know that he’s a buff macho man when his loofah looks like this? You can’t be uber masculine with a cute turtle bath scrubbie! It just doesn’t work!
Hmm. This girlfriend’s betrayal stings, to be sure, but her boyfriend still might be able to overcome this wrong. We think if he chooses a really manly body wash—perhaps bacon or gym equipment scented—he might be able to counteract some of the femininity of this decidedly girly bath loofah. We just hope that his and his girlfriend’s relationship can heal after this.
7. You wish you had his Photoshop skillz. Also, his very real abs
This post is supposed to be about people giving us trust issues, so how did this guy, who is clearly not lying about his looks in any way at all, wind up in this lineup? Ugh! We are going to have to make SO many phone calls to get this all sorted out. ‘Scuse us.
Okay, we’ve been on the phone for the past hour, and it’s been explained to us that this guy is, in fact, lying. The woman we talked to in quality control said this picture is here because this guy Photoshopped abs onto his body, and if you look closely, you can see they’re not his. Sorry, you guys. Our mistake. It’s just his photo editing skills are so good, we couldn’t tell at first.
6. Somewhere, a teenage boy is laughing maniacally
This is just like that “tiny biscuit in a humongous bucket that was supposed to be full of fried chicken” thing all over again. How are we supposed to move on and overcome all of our trust issues when you food-stingy people are out there, taking away all of our beloved dishes? Huh? Answer us, dang it, because even if you don’t want to explain it to us, our therapist would still like to know your motives, you sadistic piece of garbage.
To be clear, we would still eat this piece of pizza. It’s not its fault that it’s far too small for the box it’s in. No. The blame lies with the 15-year-old boy who’s working at the Little Caesar’s in the mall for the summer.
5. Double the lies for double the betrayal
A pizza box that isn’t a laptop, and a laptop that isn’t a pizza. Astounding! This ramshackle device is not only useless, it’s also disappointing all the way around! The bargain of this betrayal is unbeatable, you really can’t afford not to develop trust issues because of it.
This is like making wishes to a genie. You have to be specific AF, or the whole thing gets screwed up. Okay, look. When we said we want pizza and a computer, we didn’t mean some kind of hideous cross between the two. We meant we want pizza and also we want a computer. We want both of those things at the same time, not both of those things at the same time! Why is that so hard to understand?!
4. We’re not mathamagicians, but we think they’re lying
Our uncle on our mom’s side is a mathamagician. He tried telling us that “oh, it’s actually mathematician,” the pretentious little so and so. Anyway, we told him, nice try, but he needs to stick to math, not spelling. Sorry, Uncle Larry, but you can’t pull the wool over our eyes like that. We know it’s mathamagician. It looks like the joke is on you.
Mathamagician, mathematician. Potaytoe, potahtoe. We may not be good at math, but we can count reasonably well, and we have counted not one, not two, but three guys in this truck. Three. Which means this vehicle doesn’t run on gasoline. It runs on lies—just like the old Camaro that our neighbor drove when he left his family and ran off with his secretary.
3. The good, the bad and the sassy
We don’t want to get into office politics. Not because we actually “don’t want to,” but because we wouldn’t want to come off as drama lovers. We are drama lovers, there’s no bones about it, but we like to pretend we’re not, for reasons that we’ve never quite been able to figure out. Maybe pretending we’re high above the drama allows us to feel superior? Who knows.
We don’t want to say Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, here, isn’t sassy. It’s obvious to us that she is. But is she sassier than the woman behind her? That’s the question. And, given that this woman has just outsassed even the sassiest among us with just a single look, we contend she’s not. Fire up the office printer, because we need to make another one of these certificates.
This is either Spider-Man’s suit from when he was nothing more than a wee Spider-Boy, or it’s the tight-fitting top he wears when he clocks out from saving the world all day to go and work his corner. Either way, that’s fine. We don’t want to criticize Spidey for being a little kid once/having to turn tricks to make ends meet. Either way, we’ve all been in that situation at one time or another.
No shade on Spider-Man, but when you order a specific costume, you expect to get a specific costume. This guy wanted Spider-Man’s authentic save the day outfit. He wanted restrictive, non-breathable spandex superhero wear. He didn’t want some dollar store toddler pajamas reject. Will the lies and betrayal in this lineup never end?!
1. We get the feeling this is his last known photograph
Awww! Look how cute and comfy this lying SOB looks in his bed of lies! We love how he’s using his coat to make it look like he’s lying in bed at home, and not out at the club. In fact, the reason he’s using a coat is probably because his pants were too busy, what with them being on fire and all.
You dirty, rotten, stinking LIAR. We bet you feel mighty proud of yourself for spinning that tangled web of lies, don’t you junior? Yeah, well, that’s fine. That’s fab. You yuk it up while you can, buddy, because once your girlfriend discovers the truth behind this picture, she’s going to kick your butt to the curb, then you’ll really have something to drink about.
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