Step right up, folks, and come see the amazing savagery of people on the internet (10 cents for adult admission, 5 cents per child)!
In this post, you will bear witness to extreme brutality. You'll see things that are so severely lacking in chill that you'll have to go stand in front of the freezer with the door open just to cool down again. The burns that you will observe, if you are brave enough to scroll down, are so abrasive, so dangerously corrosive that it is quite possible that you will endure bodily harm. These 15 pictures that are too savage to handle are not for the faint of heart. If you think you're strong enough to handle the brutality, then by all means, continue. But don't say we didn't warn you.
15 The Heartless Heartbreaker
Callous. Cunning. Masochistic. You ain't seen savagery until you've seen this Twitter exchange with the infamous Heartless Heartbreaker. The events that led up to this conversation remain unknown. Did she sabotage an engagement? Is she a homewrecker? Did she steal a friend's boyfriend? We don't know. But one thing we do know is that this girl don't give AF. She's out to get what she wants, and she'll step on whoever she has to to get it.
We're kind of torn, here. Like, we would love to be as brutal as this girl. It's just, we have this weird thing where we're trying to get into heaven. We've got enough sin on our plate for now, but the next time we want to venture dangerously close to going to hell, we'll look into destroying relationships.
14 Conan the Barbarian
Conan the Barbarian is really living up to his name. Oh, wait. This is Conan O'Brien. Well, screw that. He looks like he's pretty barbaric to us! We're officially changing his name. From here on out, Conan is the new Barbarian. And don't even try to disagree with us, because once you see this tweet, you'll realize that we were right all along. It's okay, though. We won't rub it in. It's just that you were wrong and we were right and we're better than you, that's all.
This is amazing. We can't think of a better way to 1.) disappoint children, 2.) teach them a valuable life lesson, 3.) eat some free rocky road. Who knew taxes could be so fun? Maybe the "I" in IRS stands for ice cream. April 18th should come around more often.
13 License to insult
Most of the time, you hear about people having a license to kill. Not the owner of this truck. He's got a license to insult. And, insult he does. After all, when duty calls, you have to answer. As you can see, this gentleman takes his job very seriously. It's not enough that he calls people names just in everyday conversations. It's not even enough that he gets to throw expletives out at people he doesn't even know via angry email rants. No, he's taken this license to insult to a new level.
Discovering a new way to mock people from the safety and comfort of his humongous vehicle (which may or may not be compensating for something) has allowed this guy to reach savage nirvana. Now GTFO the way, asshole.
12 Don't throw out your shoe laces
The year is 2057. Cars still can't fly. The jet pack hasn't been invented. Robots that do housework remain non-existent. Everything is just as disappointing as it is right now. Interestingly, the choker trend is making headlines once again. Meanwhile, Nike is suffering from a severe decrease in sales. The situation is dire. Bankruptcy is imminent. It seems nothing can save the decades-old company from certain doom.
Then the marketing intern discovers something incredible. This tweet. The savagery (not brutal savagery, but really awesome savagery) is too much to handle. She arranges a meeting with the higher-ups, and presents her idea as a last ditch effort. The executives love it. Weeks later, Nike shoelace chokers become an official thing, and hundreds of jobs are saved thanks to this little savaging.
11 A dangerous chill deficiency
Uh. Hm. Well, shoot. We were going to say something, but we forgot. *Snaps fingers* Oh, yeah! What we were going to say is that this Alzheimer's awareness month poster is incredibly insensitive. It's hurtful and politically incorrect and—oh, never mind. We were going to at least try to be offended by this picture, but, dammit, we just can't. It's too savage.
Before, we were so determined not to do things that push us closer to the gates of hell. That's why we acted like we disapproved of the first picture in this lineup. But we can't keep up with this charade any longer. Maybe this picture is insensitive, and maybe it is hurtful and all of that other garbage. But it's also super funny. So we guess we'll see you guys in hell.
10 Passive aggressive meets savagery
If you're going to be a little b*tch, you'd better wave goodbye to your dental hygiene. Toothbrush bristle cutting is a less popular choice compared to some other savage revenge schemes, but it's a good one nevertheless.
We think the owner of this toothbrush should try to think on the bright side. You know how when you brush your teeth at night before bed, it means you can't eat anything else? Well that no longer applies to this Twitter user! They can eat whatever they want, as late as they want! That makes this savaging a blessing in disguise. And, sure, they'll probably get gingivitis and lose their teeth one by one. But that's a price we're willing to let them pay. Besides, a new toothbrush is always just a grocery store trip away.
9 June and Judy
Oh, no she did not. June is taking Judy to the mat. She is not even about to let some goody-two-shoes hussy swoop in and tell her how to live her life. Butt out, June. Nobody likes you. And take your terrible, dirt-tasting chocolate and ginger tarts with you. What kind of perverted mind even thinks to combine chocolate and ginger? They're two totally different flavors! The overwhelming spiciness of the ginger will obliterate the sweet, luscious taste of the chocolate! That's just an awful idea all the way around. Get outta here, skank. Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.
We call dibs on June, y'all. She can be on our team. We have a feeling nobody stands a chance against you when she's on your side.
8 There, that's better!
Ew. Disabled signs? Those are so not #Swag. This sign is definitely not a part of this girl's #Aesthetic, and it is ruining her #NoFilter #Selfie! How dare disabled people try to get around just like everybody else?! Don't they know that Miss. Priss, here, is trying to launch a successful modeling career with the help of her Instagram account? The disabled are so insensitive to the needs of pretty people.
Girl had it coming. You can't just take a selfie, ask the internet to "fix" it, and not expect them to tear you apart. Especially when you're jerk enough to ask them to remove the disabled "thing." Sweetheart, it's a good thing you've got those YouTube contour videos down pat. You're going to have to be pretty, since you obviously can't be smart.
7 Mr. and Mrs. Savage
This picture must have been posted by Adam Savage, of Mythbusters fame. Looks like this house belongs to his parents, Mr. and Mrs. Savage. We guess they're disappointed in their son. They had probably hoped for more for him. Maybe they wanted him to become a doctor or a lawyer or an architect. We bet "professional blow sh*t upper" was way down on their list of potential career choices for their precious baby boy. And now, all they can do is be bitter and savage, because savage is how the Savages roll.
Do you think this is going to make the week long stay with the parents weird? We think it's going to make it weird. 'Course, if this person has a sibling, there's a chance this book might be directed at them. This mystery remains unsolved.
6 Look at this photograph
Will we always title a picture with a Nickelback reference in it, "Look at this photograph"? Yes. Yes we will. Want to know why we will continue to title every picture with a Nickelback reference in it, "Look at this photograph"? It's because every time we do, it makes us laugh. Boom. That's right. We just effortlessly (and quite cleverly, if we do say so ourselves) wedged two Nickelback puns into one paragraph. You can mock us, but until we see you do something as impressive as that, you can shut your filthy mouths. Besides, it's time to look at another savage picture.
Poor Nickelback. If they didn't suck so bad, we might actually feel bad for them. They take so much abuse from the internet, it's not even funny. Just kidding, it is really funny.
5 The savaging of a century
This meme is golden. Pure gold. 24 karat. We had it appraised, and the insurance company set the price at forty bazillion dollars. It's practically priceless. That's why we have it locked up safe in a bulletproof, thermal-resistant glass case, which has been made from the tears of the last unicorn. This meme is a piece in our very own private collection. We keep it in our basement, or, as we like to call it, our memeseum. You should consider yourself very lucky for seeing it, because not everybody has that privilege.
Dad is one savage little eff, isn't he? Good grief, man! This is supposed to be a battle of wits! The point of a savaging is to mentally and emotionally best your opponent, not completely destroy them! Geez!
4 The steaks are high
What? What, are you really going to pretend to be affronted by this Twitter exchange by some savage AF user and PETA? Look, just stop it with that holier than thou attitude. We don't want any of it. We don't care who you are—if you're a hardcore carnivore or a staunch vegan—this entire conversation is funny. And if you can't see that, or refuse to admit to it, well, then you're just a bad person who deserves neither love nor savagery. Sorry to have to be the ones to tell you that, fam.
Okay, we hear you. Maybe this was over the line. Maybe this Twitter user was being a little mean. But what else can you expect from someone who is an absolute brute? Being too dank, too lit and a bit too mean for your own good. That's what savagery is all about.
3 Kid's got sass
Wow. Savage, kid! Guess this eight-year-old was wearing their sassy pants the day they said this to their dad. You know, we can rest so much easier knowing that the next generation has been vaccinated against chill. We don't have to worry about our kids, you guys. They can take care of themselves. Just look at this youngster. He/she's got more snark in his/her tiny little kid pinky finger than most people have in their whole bodies. We're hella impressed.
Yep, the future is starting to look mighty bright! With smart-ass kids like this at the helm, the human race will be unstoppable. There's nothing we won't be able to do, not with all of these cruel people running around. Look out, other planets! Here comes earth, where everything is too savage to handle!
2 Confuse, don't abuse
There are any number of ways for a scorned girlfriend to get revenge on her ex. She could slash his tires. She could switch the names of the contacts in his phone so that his mom got all of his nude pictures, instead of his new girlfriend. She could steal his dog that he had for seven years because he freaking broke her heart and he doesn't deserve Rover—what? No! That's a terrible idea! And we certainly never did that to our old boyfriend, even though he totally deserved it. That would be very wrong. Okay, yeah, we did it. Sue us.
We really like this savage prank. It follows the often neglected motto "confuse, don't abuse." There's no real harm done, here. Just a lot of inconvenience and a tremendous lack of closure.
1 We saved the best for last
Our day was off to a pretty rough start, you guys. We stayed up too late, couldn't fall asleep, the coffee maker broke, the local doughnut place was out of maple bars—it's just been really ugh. But you know what? We took one look at this epic social media feud, and suddenly, all of the stress has melted away!
Maybe we are having a difficult day. But one difficult day doesn't mean life sucks, right? There's still a lot to stay positive about. We mean, who wouldn't want to live in a world where this Twitter exchange wasn't possible? This is so petty and ridiculous. We love it. These two women don't believe in "acting like adults," and we're so glad they don't. Thanks Nancy. Thanks Mayor of Whoville. You've breathed new life into us.