The super-rich are the so-called ‘one percent’—that small percentage of the US population that controls nearly half of America’s wealth. These privileged moneybags still have worries, believe it or not! They may not worry about the everyday things that the other 99 percent of us do—like paying for groceries, making rent and mortgage payments or squaring things up with the babysitter—but they have problems all their own, stemming from their embarrassment of riches. Now, we working folk can’t really relate to their struggles of having too much bling and exceeding limits on our Visa Infinite cards, but we can hear some of their troubles out. So what plagues them? How about these 15 #richpeopleproblems which have us rolling our eyes and saying, "Oh, puh-leeze!"
15 The ocean's the wrong shade of blue
This rich person's thoughts go something like this: "Why did the pool people tell us to choose 'Mediterranean Blue' when we should have chosen ‘Gulf of Mexico Indigo?’ Fools! They have no idea what they’re talking about. The position of the sun relative to our southwest corner of the Pacific is all wrong with ‘Mediterranean Blue.' Bloody hell! I’m going to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, Yelp and post my zero star review on their site. This mismatch is most obvious between quarter to four and four every afternoon. Drives me nuts! I go inside at that time so I don’t have to look at the clashing blues. I almost pray for clouds every day because when it’s cloudy it’s less noticeable. If only we could change the color of the ocean to fix this. Who do we call about that? Hmm?"
14 Eeny, meeny, miny, moe
How many red cars does a young guy need? He’s got one in every Crayola shade of red imaginable. There’s one in Cerise, Brick Red, Cadmium Red, Cranberry, Raspberry, Ruby Red, Sparkly Red (glittery like Dorothy’s shoes in Oz!), Torch Red, Candy Apple Red, Scarlet and Crimson. He probably has one novelty red car shaped like pillow-y lips, too, for fun. We can imagine it was a gag gift and it can barely hit 50 km/h. It may have been originally designed for the Macy’s Parade. He likely also has another floor of his garage filled with different blue cars and also different floors for his greys, yellows and pinks. He combines his black and white cars on one floor, alternating so they look like a checkerboard. He has too many cars and not enough garage space.
13 Are we frauds?
Sometimes, having too much money leads you to question whether you really know what life is all about. When you can buy the world, how much grit do you need? You never really get a chance to show what you’re made of because…you’re already made! You can just sit back, relax and feel there’s nothing more to do. You’re a trust fund baby, just keep those e-transfers coming. Sometimes, you have to call the bank and see what’s up because they’ve directed that cash in the wrong account (grr!) but that’s about the only aggravation you have to deal with—and actually you only deal with that on your assistant’s day off. But what do you need an assistant for anyway? It’s not like you do anything.
12 Too little leg room in the private chopper
We can imagine how this rich kid would explain his situation: "Oh, man it’s a rough commute when our private chopper’s crowded and Dad offers the guy from the estate next door a ride. We drop him at his compound which is next to our 5000-employee flagship factory. Whenever our neighbor copter-pools with us, I always get stuck in the middle seat—because it’s only neighborly to give the guy the co-pilot’s spot where it’s more spacious—but then my legs get cramped because there’s no room to stretch out in the middle seat. Then I have to walk off the pins and needles when we land. I much prefer riding alone with Dad for the legroom and then act like an annoying backseat pilot while he’s trying to land on our private company rooftop helipad."
11 Too much square footage
Sometimes, when you have so many rooms in your mansion that you don’t use, you start filling them with random stuff and forgetting. Like when you built a library of rare first editions in one room, but the old books got boring, so you started building an antique doll collection in the next room. That got old too, so now you’re into occult collectibles and are filling a third room with crystal balls. There are four more rooms to fill in the east wing and then you can start on the west. Sometimes, you wonder what all these rooms are for. It’s not like you ever look in them again once they’re filled. One of these days, you’ll have the maid clean them out and start all over again.
10 What's-her-face? The maid?
It’s soooo embarrassing when you forget the names of some of your staff (like your house cleaner)! Rich Rosie is probably thinking this: "She told me her name—I think she even wears a name badge, not that I’ve ever looked at it though. When she speaks, I don’t really listen, except to tell her not to use abrasives on the marble sink and to only use non-toxic, biodegradable and environmentally- friendly cleaning products that won’t poison Ruffles, my Shar Pei. What’s-her-face even bought Ruffles a present for his birthday. That was so thoughtful of her! What’s her name? Sally? Maybe Sandra? Starts with an S. I think I’ll ask our private cook, Randella. I hope it’s her today and it’s not the backup sous-chef...because I can’t remember her name, either!"
9 How to avoid a wallet wedgie
Not only is it a problem to find a wallet that will hold all your cash (plastic makes life so much easier!) but when you do have to carry several bills on you, it gets mighty uncomfortable. This is especially true when you have to sit for a long trip because when you stuff your wallet in your back pocket, it makes your butt all lopsided and really uncomfortable to sit on. Why must life be so difficult? Why is this our cross to bear? You try adjusting your wallet with the cushioning of your butt cheeks to avoid wedgies during sharp turns while riding in your limo. Traveling is such an inconvenience. Who uses cash anymore, anyway? Electronic transactions are the way to go.
8 Too rich for the vending machine
It’s such a pain when you only have high denomination bills, but all you need is a small ticket item. Like when you want to buy food in a vending machine, which only costs a couple of bucks and requires coins. Those machines aren’t equipped to break hundreds, so it’s time to go to a nearby shop and buy a pack of gum to change your bill—just so you can score some coin to buy that bag of chips. What an inconvenience life can be sometimes when you’re trying to satisfy a craving. Who carries coins anyway? They rattle around and weigh you down. Remind your assistant/manservant to keep coins handy at all times in the future in case of another such emergency!
7 The Lucretia? The Donatella? The Giuliana?
Okay, so we’re trying to guess the name of hubby’s mistress so we’ll know the name of this illicit yacht riding the high seas. When that yacht’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin’, right? There’s a saying when you marry someone for money, you earn every penny. It seems that sometimes, part of the bargain of marrying or dating a rich dude is that he’s gonna be popular and a draw for other women because money attracts certain material-driven people. Well, it can’t be easy for the wife to know his mistress has a ship christened in her name. Hopefully, there’s one in the wife’s name docked somewhere. And definitely a larger, grander ship than the mistress’s measly 50-foot yacht. And a private jet named for the wife, too…
6 Too much velvet glove...time for the iron fist!
We know, right?! How dare her parents ruin this little princess’ sweet 16 by parking a new car (complete with a bow on top) in the driveway to surprise her! And it’s the wrong car, wrong timing. So, she throws an epic tantrum! You gift-givers didn’t just ruin her sweet 16, by the way—you ruined her entire life!
So, what’s with her tiara? Anyone wearing a tiara who’s not royalty is likely delusional. Anyone who screams and cries over getting a new car on her 16th birthday is also likely delusional...or simply a spoiled, rich teenager who should be sent to one of those wilderness boot camps for a harsher dose of reality. Too much velvet glove, parents. Time for the iron fist!
5 The perils of self-cleaning toilets
When you gotta go, you gotta go. But if you have one of these fancy self-cleaning toilets, you can’t go until they’re ready! What does one do in these situations? In the real world, if you have only one bathroom in your cramped living space, you might knock on a neighbor’s door and ask to use theirs if it’s a real emergency but of course, if you’re super rich, you surely have a selection of bathrooms in your sprawling mansion. Just toddle off to the master bathroom (or the servant’s bathroom, or the third floor bathroom, or the first floor toilet near the foyer). You have all flushes set to either ‘silent’ or sometimes ‘chimes,’ since the sound of a flushing toilet is simply beneath you.
4 Richie Rich MacGyvers it up
It’s so annoying when you’re sitting in a chair—any chair—and one of its legs is uneven. With every single movement you make, you’re reminded that your damn seat is off balance as your body keeps subtly tilting to the short-sided leg every time you shift in your seat. Like Chinese water torture, it’s a petty annoyance that wears one down with time. Most of us would just even up the leg shortage with books or magazines, but this Richie Rich trust fund baby evens things up with surplus electronics! These folks have so much money that their iPads and laptops literally become a fix for uneven chairs. They can afford to think: "I’ll just use my iPad or laptop under these uneven wheels. Problem solved!"
3 The eyesores that are your inferior threads
The rich guy in the above image is basically saying this: "That’s right, don’t bring your JC Penney off-the-rack threads too close to my Brioni suit. This handiwork of Roman tailors doesn’t even want to ride in the same elevator as your shabby knock-offs. This Italian-designed blazer is a true work of art and is basically made of spun threads of gold—the fabric is just dyed grey, pinstripe and navy blue. But, underneath those neutral businessman colors, these upscale threads are gold tapestry crafted by artisans. And here you are wearing some affordable, cookie-cutter garment. My threads outclass yours, plain and simple. So step aside with your ‘Glen Check’ blazer knock-off, brother. While I respect that your jacket’s from JC Penney, please hold your breath when you let me pass and don’t breathe on my suit."
2 No speak Español
Well, perhaps this is the outcome when nannies spend more time with the children than parents do. Some wealthy families have a whole army of nannies to raise their brood. Sometimes, if the nanny spends enough time with the children, the kids will start asking for their nanny before their parents to cuddle them when they’re scared or kiss their boo-boos when they’ve fallen down and scraped their knee. This poster should brush up on some Spanish so at least they can understand what the kids are saying, so they can continue to communicate with their kiddos. Nothing wrong with multilingualism! Make sure the nanny doesn’t teach the little ones to swear in Spanish!
1 Swans spit?
Who knew swans spit? Don’t they just float around placidly, craning their graceful necks into pleasing shapes occasionally? The swan’s handlers should really train the animals not to spit in the guests’ food. Did it swim over and purposely spit in the salsa or was it an accidental spit (like, the swan coughed or sneezed and the spit was carried over into the salsa by the wind)? Was the salsa Tex-Mex or Mango Black Bean? It was probably seared poblano with roasted ancho and serrano chiles served with hand-crafted corn chips.
We suppose if Matt told the waiter or waitress, they’d bring a new bowl for him to dip his chips in and if the swan spits in it again, Matt will know its got some kind of vendetta against him.