It’s Saturday night, you’re feeling all right and your earlier trip to the bar was not as exciting as you were hoping it would be. What do you do now? This may vary from person to person, but if you were interested enough to pick up this article and start reading, the odds are that you are going to open up your phone, type your password, scroll through your applications and click on the one with the little fireball icon.
Yes, sir or ma’am, we know very well that you are a Tinder user. No problem there—we’ve all indulged in the modern action of swiping right whenever you see a good-looking person on the screen, or, depending on how drunk you are, swiping right to everyone who appears on the screen. This is a judgment-free zone, folks.
Aside from finding out more about their own standards, there is another factor that might surprise a few people once they get into Tinder, and that is how savage some of the messages can be. Here are 15 savage AF Tinder messages users just weren’t ready for.
America’s pretty free, right? We mean, at least it used to be, or it seems like it still is. It’s tough to tell these days as we are living one hour at a time and things still keep changing out of nowhere. But that is all beside the point. On a scale from one to America, which we are assuming is still a 10, there are a few countries that could very well take the bottom spot. But to whoever answered our poor friend Jon, the choice was as perfect as drinking a PBR while you watch fireworks in the Fourth of July.
So props to her for that, but we still can’t let it slide that it was kind of a d*ck move. Seriously though, if you’ve matched with the guy, is that question enough to warrant such a savage answer? Seriously, on a scale from Justin Bieber to Amy Schumer, how savage was this?
14 Hot as a star
For all of the guys on Tinder, if you haven’t figured out that the most savage people on that dating app are the women, you haven’t done it right. Just take a second to imagine how many horrible, terrible, catastrophic, (insert another adjective and keep doing it until there is none left) pickup lines these women have had to read in a span of a month using Tinder.
Pickup lines are great and all, most of them can be funny, some are downright disrespectful and should probably warrant a few lawsuits here and there, but a guy should be able to pick at least a few that can actually work. The biggest incentive is realizing that if you choose a bad pickup line, you might end up appearing on one of these lists. You’ve been warned, gentleman.
13 Mama never told him she loved him
Self-esteem is not something that comes around easily these days as it used to back in the days when people still used mail to talk to others. It seems that more and more people are looking to spill their beans to complete strangers for no reason at all other than to talk about their horrible lives. Everyone has a horrible life, just live with it guys. But then again, every now and then, there are a few people who just break our hearts. This poor guy was probably looking to Tinder to get a little boost on his self-esteem, and matching with Stephanie was something that could be a game-changer for him, until she mentioned his mama. Sad, just sad. Still, we couldn’t leave it out because we are here for the lols.
12 "I'm a family man."
Some people are sad, some people are annoying, but some people are legends. Talk about thinking on your feet. If you are Michelle, you have found the man of your life, because if this guy can think on his feet in real life as he did in this conversation, we might be talking about the 47th President of the United States, or of wherever he’s from. Honestly, a good lawyer might not have been able to come up with what this guy did.
Every time we go over that conversation, that last line always has us saying “daaaaaaaaaaaayumm.” Jesus, Mary, Confucius and Mohammed, sure it's not the most conventional of suggestions to propose a make-out sesh with the whole family of a girl you just met. But then again, he is a family man.
11 Do you even know what Fallout is?
Sure, meeting new people is important, or whatever your mother told you before you went to middle school for the first time. But there are a few things that are more important than other people. At the point, we’ve reached in civilization, it is a given that apps like Tinder, and the people you meet there will probably still be there as the years go by. And if they’re not, there will always be new people.
We know, we know it sounds pretty bad when you first hear it, and yet you have to consider that you probably never waited for someone for seven years, while in the meantime countless people (we included) have waited years and years for Fallout 4. So we will check back with you once we beat the game, but until then we will be on a North Korea level on the freedom scale.
10 It doesn't get more straightforward than this
Savage. This is just good and old savagery. What is the first thing you do when you read somebody else’s profile on a dating app and it says that they are either a father or a mother? Reasonable human beings would most likely ask them about their kids, how many of them are there, how they like being a parent and continue with some small talk for a while until the two of you can get at least a bit acquainted.
Now this guy... this guy is something else. Time is money, and money is time, so the less of it that you use for lost causes, the less you have to complain afterward, right? This is what seems to be the rationale here. Because in what possible world would this ever work out?
9 He ran away faster than a speeding ticket
Name three words that will make 9 out of 10 men run away from you in a heartbeat: “I have chlamydia,” “Bob’s home,” “we should wait,” “I’m late,” “a wedding dress.” Geez, we thought we could only come up with a couple of these, but they just keep popping up.
If you guys think of something else, make sure to tell us in the comments. Now back to the subject, how big do you think are the odds that this guy never wrote an answer to that?
We would say they are pretty high. It is all fun and games when you’re saying that to your boyfriend, or as a joke to good a friend, but perhaps this is not the best way to approach a Tinder conversation. That is unless your goal is to see this guy running to the hills.
8 It's all about efficiency
Finally, the first time we see the roles get inverted. More often than not, guys are the ones spewing out the horrible pickup lines that girls get to show to their friends later. But finally, we have the opposite happening. Don’t get us wrong, that is a pretty good and straightforward pickup line that could work maybe three out of five times. Still, she was not expecting such an honest response.
Honesty is a trait, a virtue as many would say. Sometimes, however, it is possible to be too honest, and this is precisely one of those times. Instead of going all the way to 100, this guy went from zero to -2. Hopefully, she still gave him a chance to have his 30 seconds of glory because he deserved it. Moreover, may we suggest Netflix and snacks for the three hours 44 minutes and 30 seconds that would follow?
7 Why, Zach?
Few things in the English language are as beautiful as the ability to create wordplays. These are just fun ways that people with a sound knowledge of grammar can make jokes, which are bad more often than not, simply by changing a letter or two in a word. Like in many places, Tinder is the perfect testing ground for you to try out your awesome new wordplay, or whatever you found out on the web after you googled “pickup lines.”
But fellas, beware because some ladies do not take so kindly to being told that they Israeli pretty. No, and there is a good chance that she might have a better knowledge of grammar than you, so you should be ready to get an answer like “Euro piece of sh*t.”
So while you think about that, we are going to do like hockey players and get the puck out of here.
6 The Cosby
Oh, Bill Cosby. What would we do without Bill Cosby? Most ladies would probably sleep better at night, but that is not the point here. If there is one celebrity that towers over the rest of all the others in a list composed of guys you should not mention to a girl you’re trying to hook up with, that guy is Bill Cosby.
Whether he did what people said he did or not, seems to not matter at this point since every time his name is spoken these days, people feel goosebumps. But then again, as savage as this answer is, that little dark part of your heart is totally laughing at this guys’ joke. Geez, could you imagine what you would do if you matched with Bill Cosby on Tinder?
5 The Carebear murderer
Beauty comes at a price. Anyone who had more than three nose jobs done can tell you that. The one thing we didn’t know is that sacrifices are still a big thing to become adorable. Of course, it was common knowledge back in the day that in order to have a good harvest, you had to sacrifice a virgin now and then. But a Carebear? Come on man; this is just too much. Not even in a joke should you talk about eating a Carebear’s heart. Those things are so fluffy and adorable, and we don’t even know if they have real hearts. It’s probably all just stuffing from a toy factory, which would probably give you cancer if you ate it.
So no, do not joke about killing Carebears, they are a treasure of our society.
4 The comeback of the century
Buuuuuuurrrrrn. A word to the wise, do not try to be a smart ass with people you don’t know. Poor Leah, she probably had to delete her Tinder after this one. Of all the savage answers on this list, this has to be right at the top as the best Tinder comeback we have ever seen. What would you tell somebody who said that you are looking a little bit chubby? Most people would stay quiet, some would cry, some would go to the gym, but some people would just straight up turn around and tell that person that they look like a whale that was fat enough to get stuck in the mouth of an underground volcano.
That is the kind of person this guy is, and that is the kind of “hero our world deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him.”
3 Holy guacamole
Who is allergic to guacamole? How do you live your life without ever trying Chipotle and guacamole? It seems so sad. If you are already going through something like that, why would you go on and deny a person with such a creative mind? No, lol, we’re just kidding. Holy guacamole is pretty bad, and if you actually want to score something out of Tinder, you should probably try to come up with a better opening line than holy guacamole.
Maybe try one of the classics, perhaps involving fast food like “if you were a burger at McDonald’s, you’d be named McStunning.” Or if you are trying to stay healthy, you could tell one of your matches that you “think you’ll make an awesome pear.”
But at the end of the day, it is your choice. We are going to head to the gym because we need to do some avocardio.
2 Swiping right was a costly mistake
We already mentioned the fact that self-esteem is hard to come by these days. Now, while some people destroy their self-esteem on their own, some others have outside help. After putting together this list, we might be getting close to the conclusion that Tinder savages are responsible for a good share of self-esteem drops in our young society.
With that in mind, how bad would it hurt to actually compliment somebody you matched with on the app? It probably wouldn’t hurt that much if that person were already asking for a compliment, which is a pretty big sign that they need that praise, and also considering the fact that you matched them. Still, you can’t dedicate a holy avocado to somebody if your finger actually slipped and you mistakenly swiped that person right. But damn homey, that was cold.
1 King of the savages
And here it is folks, the very definition of a savage AF Tinder message. Not only does this have all the comedic elements for a perfect meme that will probably live out our entire generation, but it is also plain evil. Did this guy swipe right on every single person that appeared on his phone, just for the opportunity to destroy every one of them completely? Because seriously, how do you think this poor soul is going to recover from this hit?
This is like if you were walking down the street and somebody poked you on the shoulder to tell you hi, just to go on and punch you in the face. Jesus, all we want to do here is wish Becky our best and hope that whoever this person who matched her has since met an equally cunning foe to punch him off his high horse.