Sometimes, we receive texts from people and just don’t know how to respond. Maybe their message reads like an autocorrect failure; or perhaps they’ve just texted, letter by letter, their most bizarre, random, innermost thoughts, and we realize that this friend of ours is quite possibly the crazy mad scientist that a fortune teller once told us would one day appear in our lives and their next move hinges on our response. What to do? We feel like we’re groping around in the dark and don’t know what to say because what are they even talking about!? We want say: “uhh…what?”
Not knowing how to respond is probably what the recipients of these 15 texts felt upon receiving these strange messages:
Phyllis is really kind of scary-looking here. To be fair, it doesn’t look like Phyllis (if this person pictured in this text message is, indeed, Phyllis) used the most flattering lighting and angles for this screen capture. Phyllis kind of looks on the verge of saying something, doesn’t she? Looks like Phyllis has something on her mind.
We’re not sure if the texter’s name is Phyllis, if the recipient’s Phyllis (maybe both are named Phyllis). Then again, neither of them might be Phyllises and Phyllis might be a friend, acquaintance or even a stranger. Who knows?
Phyllis, if you’re out there this texter who looks like they have a bone to pick with someone made reference to you. Don’t you want to know what they want? Because we don’t. *blocks Phyllis*
This is possibly a conversation with someone who is sleep-texting, drunk or is having a discussion with someone who’s visited other lands featuring landmarks that do not appear here on planet Earth, such as “riven river visitiersingisngisgy.” We think it’s most likely that this was a friend quoting a drunk person’s conversation back at them and asking them what they were thinking coming up with this stuff. Here the (supposed) drunk person who actually said these things has no idea what they were saying, either.
Isn’t texting great? Before, our drunken ramblings stayed quietly in the memory of bemused witnesses who happened to see/hear our buffoonery to be passed down as legendary drunken lore through friends, but now, our slurred mumblings can be quoted back at us verbatim. D’oh!
It’s the cycle of life and the price that comes with being a feeling, breathing human. Anxiety, Insecurity and Ray William Johnson plague us. That’s right: that’s the triumvirate of life’s crosses to bear in a nutshell. Anxiety makes us nervous about everything; insecurity makes us question our ability to ever do anything and Ray William Johnson chimes in with his “hey” or “wassup?” to break the cycle every so often. There’s the tears, the jeers and then there’s Ray.
Sometimes, hearing from Ray, seeing his “hey” texted there just for you feels like a ray of sunshine. Other times, Ray’s texted “hey(s)” makes us roll your eyes and mutter “what now, Ray?” The bottom line is: we don’t always know how to respond to Ray.
No wonder the recipient of these texts is ghosting! Who wants to respond to this?! We all know “sympathetic vomiters.” They’re the ones in our lives automatically excused from cleaning puke because coming into contact with spew makes them vomit; and hence, their lives become an endless cycle of barfing. The only proper response here that would help immediately improve matters is, of course, to offer to come help clean. (And who in their right mind wants to do that!?!)
So, of course, the action to take is not to respond to any of this until the phone’s gone quiet with no further incoming messages because no one willingly signs up to mop up puke, never mind stuff that smells like “rotting whale blubber”? Ew!
Whose doll is this? Did a child maybe forget to take it somewhere and this pic is meant to comfort? Because whoever texted a photo of this creepy a** doll has the wrong number and also, the last thing we’re personally feeling is any sort of reassurance when we see it. In fact, we crossed ourselves as soon as we set eyes on it and promptly Googled a priest to see if they could come exorcise our phone.
If this doll were in the same room, we’d be taking off it’s innocent-looking striped coveralls to check for ritualistic Satanic marks and occult brandings and then we’d look like the weirdos in this whole bizarre and random wrong-text scenario. See what you made us do, creepy doll?
Okay, so this sounds like childish antidote to a boring day. To be honest, it actually sounds kind of fun—especially if you’re a kid (and we suspect the texters in the scenarios are kids—crazy kids—but kids nonetheless). Even with a child proposing this, others aren’t necessarily going to respond with an all-in “hell yes!” kind of attitude like these two in the above text exchange. The BFF has to equally be into C.S. Lewis.
Say you were shopping in the bedroom section at Ikea,(trying adulting on for size) and some kids jumped out at you from an Ikea wardrobe saying, “I’m back from Narnia!” Would you tell them that you’re the White Witch? Get in the wardrobe yourself and see if it takes you anywhere?
So his text starts off innocently enough. The first guy introduces himself as “Don” and the responder (in green) says “Hello Don.” Score one for knowing how to respond when someone introduces themselves. Things from there, however, proceed into Lord-knows-what-land as Don addresses whoever’s receiving his text as “Lewis” and proceeds to apprise Lewis of some kind of covert operation going on in his shed. Don texts “make sure no one sees ya go to the shed, bro,” and seems super concerned about disturbing the peace around the shed and tells Lewis not to knock when he arrives but to text Don to let him know “when ya there.” What exactly is going on in that shed, Don? We don’t think we want to know.
Whoever gogu is, we now know that when he wrote this text, he’d just cracked his neck and his nose started bleeding. That must have been some crazy neck crack, ferocious enough to generate a seismic bodily force sufficient to cause bleeding in his nose, like an earthquake's aftershocks felt miles away from the source.
Turns out gogu believes his “betta fish” could beat another “betta" fish’s a**. How does he know the other “betta fish” is a girl? How does he know his fish is mad all the time? Is gogu a fish whisperer? If he’d made an appearance in the Jaws movies, would he have been able to save the great white shark’s victims? What are you saying, gogu?
When “Drunk Patty” drinks, she likes to dig. Every time she drinks, she gets this crazy urge to upturn some soil out in the garden and asks friends to borrow a hoe or shovel, as well as goggles to protect her eyes from the dirt she’ll be throwing around and for when her tunnel gets really, really deep.
Maybe when she was a kid, Drunk Patty heard that if you dug a hole deep enough, you’d wind up in China. Maybe when she drinks, Drunk Patty gets this overwhelming urge to visit Hong Kong or Beijing and since she doesn’t have the cash for plane fare (because she spends all her money on vodka coolers), digging her way to the other side of the world is her answer.
This is a mysterious text that only the person who posed the question and the responder knows the answer to. What could have been asked that drew this response: “I don’t even own an axe”? What do people use axes for? Let’s go through a list: to chop down trees. Maybe hack at stubborn shrubs. To chop firewood. To enter axe-throwing contests. If you happen to work as a lumberjack or woodsperson. Maybe as a movie prop. Hmm. What else? You’d definitely need an axe if you were an axe murderer, (or how else could you call yourself an axe murderer?) You’d also need an axe to chop down doors (like Jack Nicholson does in The Shining) in case you ever get a really serious and demented case of cabin fever.
You know how it is when people say they’re so happy they could burst? Going from this text, it sounds like Ari is pretty happy about the state of his garden and how everything is blooming. He sounds pretty much over the moon about the whole thing. Actually, we thought this was maybe someone joke-texting as a dog but would a dog be excited about sunflowers, watermelon, cayenne peppers and tomatoes? We think not. They might be excited about destroying such things, but Ari can’t wait to taste a salad from his “own backyard.” It also sounds like instead of bursting with happiness about his garden, Ari has other plans. Like, he’s not going to spontaneously combust with joy or anything, he’s just “gonna pee everywhere”.
“I feel like an ignoramus for not being enamoured.” This is epitaph-worthy material. Dude. What are you doing texting such lofty words? Don’t go all Shakespeare poetic on us now. Texts are meant for three and four-letter simple words. Our brains are taxed and tired. We just want to say ‘sup, TL;DR, lol and use gifs and emojis to express ourselves. There are too many letters in at least two of those words for texting.
That said, although we cannot follow this conversation too well, at least the person this “unenamoured ignoramus” is texting seems to know what’s what. “More of what confounds me,” “I just don’t get it.” We hear you, dude, and we couldn’t have said it better ourselves.
Whoever this person is that Alex is texting, they’re not “mean, and a liar, and pathetic and alone in life.” Well, they might be but they answer a wrong number like anyone might—by asking a question such as “…Do I know you?” At this point Alex either realizes he’s gotten a wrong number “But I know you wish it was me, don’t you?” OR he hasn’t gotten a wrong number at all, he knows this person and has simply lapsed in his texting punctuation: “But I know you…” The second reading suggests these two have a history.
That said, not only has Alex managed to confuse whoever he’s texting here, but by reading too much between the lines, we’ve confused ourselves even more.
This seems to be a really random list of stuff, doesn’t it? It sounds like this person might be texting a business acquaintance (because a question about “wages we paid so far” is asked). What’s with the origami, though? That obviously means something. They also want “cleaner for their bag” (which bag? Cloth or leather? This text assumes the recipient knows the bag in question), and bring “yourself”. Hm. Telling someone bring “yourself” is definitely playful and not too business-like—although it could be business-like, depending on nature of the relationship. Who knows what it all means? Origami’s the curiosity that puzzles us most. Can they teach us how to make an origami lotus flower? A really intricate, colorful one with tons of petals.
“I like the way your skin sits on your face. I could hang like a cliff-hanger from your cheekbones if you shrunk me way down like a little Lego figurine or doll. I like your curly hair and if I was tiny and Lego-size, I’d swing like Tarzan from your hair-vines but then that might hurt your scalp so maybe not—unless you’re into it, of course.
What else? I like how your nose ends and begins in two little holes that the air which keeps you alive travels through; and your mouth is like a collapsible cave any shrunken person could get lost in. I also like your teeth. They look good in your mouth. They’d also look good strung on a necklace. Hey, wanna go out?”