We, as human beings, were created with the profound ability to create, imagine and discover using the resources around us. This creativity and discovery has led to some amazing, revolutionary products and inventions that have changed the course of history, such as the light bulb, the chair, the Internet, heck – even the paper clip is pretty useful and necessary! Other products and inventions, unfortunately, reside on the side of inconvenience and sometimes even disturbing existences. Objects we never need, or desire, are made for us to either buy out of humor or react to with confused, exasperated, endless amounts of questions. Here’s a list of things we never asked for, but somehow, received anyways. Some products are actually quite useful, if not completely bizarre and slightly uncalled for.
15 Pizza Holder Pouch and Lanyard
Most of us love pizza. It’s full of carbs, comfort, and generally really delicious. Most of us are pretty content eating pizza in a kitchen or at a restaurant, but some people may love pizza so much they take it with them everywhere – enter: the pizza holder and lanyard. The plastic pizza pouch can fit most “large pizza slices” and comes with a lanyard to carry it around your neck. While this product can seem a little extra, it is pretty wonderful for the pizza fanatic in your life, people who like to carry food around their neck, or for people who just aren’t sure what kind of accessory to wear on a night out the town. It can also be a convenient lunch carrier when heading off to work and your hands are full.
14 Cat Forehead Fragrance
This one actually has potential for me. I love furry, four-legged animals that purr and bark (not both, that would be weird, although I have seen a cat bark before and that was extremely unsettling). What’s different and slightly strange about this product is just how specific it is. Why a cat’s forehead? Why not the kitten paw scent or cat belly? What does cat forehead even smell like? While I do love cuddling with cats (mostly the friendly kind), I’ve never really had the urge to smell their foreheads often, and if I did I probably did so unconsciously or just forgot. But now that this product exists, I can satisfy whatever odd and surprising urges I have to smell a cat’s forehead.
13 Man Bun Clip-On
Like mullets and beards and gheri curls, man buns are a polarizing trend in the category of men’s style. In an increasingly progressive world of fluctuating gender norms, the bun hairstyle is now referred to as gender neutral, to the simultaneous joy and dismay of many. With the heightened popularity of the man bun, came a new demand. For those who either can’t grow hair long enough or don’t want to deal with the commitment comes the man bun clip-on. Because if women can have weaves and clip on ponytails, why not men…right? The product comes in different colors – blonde, brown, black. If you ever wondered what you or someone else might look like with a man bun, now is your chance to find out. Or, if you have a White Elephant or Gag Gift event coming up, you now have an option to bring.
12 Nelson Mandela Car Air Freshener
Fall’s here, so we have scents of pumpkin and turkey blessing our nostrils with glorious Autumn scents. With so many options available, it’s hard to determine the best fit for you, let alone in your car. But why have your car smell like pumpkin spice when it can smell like anti-apartheid sentiments? Now, with the Nelson Mandela Car Air Freshener, you can bring the sweet scent of political and social revolution with you as you drive or hang out in your four-wheel vehicle. It’s also suitable for hanging in homes and office cubicles – because what better way to express your support of Mr. Mandela’s efforts? Inspirational and purposeful, this product is pretty unique, but I’ll be pretty happy when the Martin Luther King Car Air Freshener is released as well. Oh wait, it already is.
11 USB Pet Rock
I remember at one time when I was a young child, I was at a school event and they had us paint a rock to be our pets. It was exciting. While the rock did absolutely nothing, it was still fun to have a personalized rock to call my very own. I’m not sure why “pet rock” is a thing, or how rocks can even be pets, but nonetheless, pet rocks can be special to some kids and even some adults. It’s the 2010s now, and just when you thought pet rocks couldn’t be improved, we now have a USB pet rock. That’s right, you can plug in a USB cord to your pet rock and watch as it does… absolutely nothing. Apparently, a big reason these are bought and why they’re made is to start conversation of what it does and its very existence, but then whoever bought the product may have to answer the silent judgment as someone who bought a USB Pet Rock. Will the conversation be worth the cost of a USB Pet Rock that does nothing and exists solely for the purpose of irony and dry humor? To some, it is.
10 EZ Drinker Toilet Golf
Our time on the porcelain throne is a mixed bag – sometimes exhausting, sometimes a refuge, sometimes stressful, and mostly relieving. Sometimes when we have to drop it like it’s hot on the toilet, we can find ourselves relaxing with a book or most commonly with our phones. Some others, however, have a new and productive poo-pastime with the EZ Drinker Toilet Golf – which allows you to practice your golf skills while popping a squat on the John. That’s right, you can work toward a hole in one in multiple ways with this product. Perfect for people who like to play golf or for people who like to feel serene with golf décor in the bathroom. If ever you’re around someone who can use some extra practice with their golf game, you now have a subtle way to communicate your care for them.
Are you tired of your hands being naked and out of control? Look no further; handerpants are here to help. Now you can dress your nude-loving hands with hand underpants, which, according to the website, “absorbs sweat, distracts enemies, prevents chafing and is great for jazz hands.” Otherwise known as the useless cousin of fingerless gloves, but with a weird name and with an underwear-like design. If you were going to dress your hands though, why not just go all out and put on outfits for your hands? Or, if you’re really crazy, maybe even put on a hat or clip-on hand bun? Or, you can always just play it safe and wear a couple of gloves. But sometimes when your hands are exhausted from a marathon of jazz hands, maybe the handerpants can comfort them of their cries of pain from their strenuous hand exercise.
8 Walking Sleeping Bag
Usually sleeping bags are meant for sleeping and relaxing in when you’re camping or bumming it out at a friend’s or family’s place. But lately, there seems to be a new form of using sleeping bags for another purpose – travelling. Similar to the snuggie and other blankets that are worn as weird, long, soft robe things, the Walking Sleeping Bag is just what is says it is – a sleeping bag you can walk in and embarrass your friends and family with. From about 100 feet away in the forest while you’re camping, you might even be able to appear as a far-away sasquatch. Or, when you’re too lazy to get dressed or get out of your sleeping, you can probably just zip up your bag, get up, and start walking and living your life.
7 Toilet Themed Cards and Calendars
Bathroom jokes aren’t for everyone. In fact, most people have very firm boundaries when it comes to what comes out of us and when to discuss those actions. Some people, however, seem to have no boundaries when it comes to discussing these topics – and in fact embrace them whole-heartedly (or whole-fartedly, if that’s your thing). A couple of people over at Monthly Doos have in fact committed themselves to producing poop-themed calendars and special occasion cards. Some of the cards make sense – like a depiction of mushed poop with the caption, “Oh crap – I slipped and forgot your birthday!” Other, predictably, are on the more bizarre side, like a picture of poop with some googly eyes and a mouth that says, “Love, from your poopsie!” But the distinctive products most definitely are the calendars – where every month has a picture of dog poop with a scenic background. Unfortunately, they seemed to have put them on a hiatus since 2011, but one day they’ll be back – crappier and more confusingly than ever.
6 KFC’s Chicken Corsage
When you went to your prom, do you remember what you were wearing? And more importantly, were you wearing an actual chicken drumstick corsage from KFC? Yes, KFC sold fried chicken corsages for proms in the spring of 2014 – where pubescent fried chicken lovers everywhere could show off their presumably unhealthy dietary habits and commitment to the fast food chain with this very special accessory. Prom dates could of course sport the specialty corsages as a sort of joke or gag – a way to bring some humor and irony to the slight rite-of-passage event. Ooorrr, they could have been rare item seekers as there were only 100 corsages available for $20 each. Decades later, they would have the luxury to tell their children that they were just one of a few to have the privilege of sporting a limited-edition KFC fried chicken corsage to their prom.
5 Umbilical Cord Charging Cable
You read that right. A technological cord exists that looks like an umbilical cord. Before we go over the “why” (not that that’s going to be easy to answer), let’s discuss its functionality. According to the creator’s page on Etsy, it functions as a phone charger, USB cable, and dock connector. It primarily comes in the color red with the secondary color pink (makes sense). In a somewhat normal capacity, most people might purchase this for Halloween or, according to the Etsy page, a first communion as a fun/creepy sort of technologically-functional decoration. Or, if you really wanted to make people feel at ease, just bring it out on your next date or work meeting when you’re charging your phone and discuss how much you just love pregnancy.
4 The (Official) Gift of Nothing
Okay, so maybe this one is a little asked for. Oftentimes I ask an older relative of mine what they’d like for Christmas or Mother’s Day or Father’s Day or their birthday, only to hear the unhelpful word, “nothing.” Some fun people decided to make it official I suppose with a package. The cost? At least $6, and that’s not even including shipping potentially. You’re essentially paying for the package, the officiality of the “nothing” and the distance of a joke that ran its course the moment you put your card information into Amazon. We’re not going to get into the complicated discussion of defining “nothing,” but if someone’s going to go out of their way to tangibly gift nothingness to someone, why not just do it for free by grasping nothing with your hand – or at least going a more affordable route and sealing a plastic bag and marking it as “nothing?” I don’t know. We’ll see how the recipient of this hopefully gag gift takes this; if they’re anything like my grandmother, they’ll complain even though they did request nothing. That’s why there’s always a back-up.
3 The Stripper Gnome
Gnomes are creepy and weird enough as it is, but when you start adding exotic dancing gnomes, where else can you go? What next, a dentist gnome, a social media influencer gnome – how about a Playboy Bunny gnome? I’ve always had a distinctive curiosity regarding people who collected gnomes in their front lawns, let alone someone who looked at regular old garden gnomes and thought to themselves, “You know what? These eerie, tiny inanimate objects could use a sex symbol.” And so maybe Candy the Exotic Dancer gnome came about. Or maybe they saw the slightly twisted market for gnome fetishists. Or someone just really wanted to spice up their Uncle Robert’s front lawn gnome collection. Whoever Uncle Robert’s neighbors will either be humored, amused, aroused or utterly disturbed and confused.
2 Selfie Toaster
Given our technologies and our smart phones and our abilities to take pictures of ourselves no matter the time and location, younger generations have often been accused of being narcissistic. Fortunately and unfortunately for those younger generations, there are now new products that are able to enforce this stereotype, like the selfie toaster. Why would you have a selfie toaster, you might ask? To see your face on some bread, of course. And then you’d have the fine honor and privilege of eating yourself – more specifically, your face. If you really want to be creepy, you can go ahead and make some toast with your face on it and your love interest’s face and send them creepy toast pictures every morning. Bonus points if they don’t know you exist (yet).
1 Twerking Miley Einstein
This one is just unnecessary and frankly, I wouldn’t doubt it if most people were fine if this returned to nonexistence where it belongs. Twerking alone has caused enough people to cringe and shudder away, and that infamous VMA twerking moment from 2013 featuring a younger, slightly wilder Ms. Cyrus has yet to be forgotten in both positive and negative lights (depending on the person). Add in historic genius and significant figure to society Albert Einstein, and you have a perplexing mix of things combined into a disturbing and very unsettling visual sure to frequent your thoughts (or if you’re lucky, be tucked away into the “don’t ever think or look back to again” category of your brain) for a while to come. If you want to make people at your office feel especially uncomfortable, feel free to put this on your desk and always (or never, which might make things stranger) acknowledge its presence on your desk.