Harry Potter fans thought our beloved franchise had come to an end upon the release of the final film in the summer of 2011, but rumors immediately spread about a potential eighth book detailing The Boy Who Lived's adult life and his children's experience at Hogwarts, so we never really lost hope. Five years later, Harry Potter and the Cursed Child hit bookshelves, and while it was a rehearsal edition screenplay from rather than another J.K. Rowling novel, we were ecstatic to read another Potter adventure. Until, of course, we started reading and realized that at best, Cursed Child is a glorified fan-fiction. Nearly the entire plot is a complete mess, but these moments from the play definitely made us groan the most—beware, major SPOILERS ahead!
15 The robotic, immortal Trolley Witch
"Candy from the trolley, dears?" The Trolley Witch we met in Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone was a sweet, innocent woman with no backstory, and we were perfectly fine with not really knowing anything about her. Cursed Child decided she was too important to fade into the background anymore. It turns out, the Trolley Witch has been working on the Hogwarts Express for 190 years, and doesn't even remember her own name. Okay, strange, but not the weirdest thing we've read about in the wizarding world. Then, writer Jack Thorne went one step further. She also makes Pumpkin Pasty grenades, and her hands can turn into sharp spikes which she uses to ensure no one ever gets off the train before it reaches its destination. WHAT?!
14 Love potions make for super creepy gifts, Ron
Adult Ron Weasley helps run Fred and George's joke shop, Weasley Wizard Wheezes, and loves showing his friends and family the store's latest products. One of the products is a love potion, which he gifted to his nephew, Albus Severus Potter. Love potions are one of the creepiest things in the Potterverse, and we never really understood why Hogwarts openly taught students how to brew them. You're literally making someone lose their free will and fall for you! Ron in particular had a bad experience with a love potion in Half-Blood Prince, so it's pretty dumb that Thorne made him give out such a creepy gift. Sure, Albus has some major social issues, but his family shouldn't be encouraging him to magic his way into meaningful relationships.
13 That's some Game of Thrones-level stuff, Albus
When Albus, Scorpius and Delphi broke into the Ministry of Magic disguised as Ron, Harry and Hermione, respectively, Albus-Ron had to stall the real Hermione so she wouldn't walk into her office and discover his friends trying to steal the Time-Turner within it. Being Ginny Weasley's son, Albus is Hermione's nephew, but he was disguised as her husband. He could have just tried having a normal conversation with her to distract her, yet for some reason, he found it necessary to kiss her several times and discuss the possibility of having more children with her. The kiss had to be pretty open-mouthed and passionate too, because Hermione comments on how "her husband" tastes afterwards. Um, ew.
12 Ron apparently needed jealousy to fall for Hermione?!
In their attempt to go back in time and save Cedric Diggory's life, Albus and Scorpius repeatedly messed up history and changed the future. In the first alternate timeline, the duo dressing up as Durmstrang students and disarm Cedric during the first Triwizard Tournament task caused Hermione to distrust Durmstrang, so she never went to the Yule Ball with Viktor Krum. This apparently kept Ron from ever getting jealous and realizing that he was in love with her, so the pair never dated or got married. Sure, we get that sometimes seeing someone you care about with someone else makes you realize you had feelings you weren't aware of, but we can't accept that jealousy is the only reason Ron and Hermione ended up together.
11 Hermione - Ron = worse than Snape.
In the first alternate timeline, Ron and Hermione never ended up together, and Ron married Padma Patil while Hermione stayed very, very alone. This made her become a mere shadow of the character we loved in Rowling's seven books. For some reason, not being with Ron made her trade in her ambitions of becoming Minister for Magic, and she instead became a Defense Against the Dark Arts professor. It also made her way more cruel than Severus Snape ever was to his students. We all know that lack of love is what made Voldemort become so evil and Snape so bitter, but Hermione was such a strong, positive and independent woman. Should being single really change her character that much?
10 Being a dad didn't make Draco a better person
Draco Malfoy was probably the most tragic character in Rowling's Harry Potter novels, even more so than Harry himself. Harry lost his parents and had to see so many loved ones die, but at least he had friends that he loved and knew loved him in return. Draco had cronies that were never really his friends, his parents were less than supportive, and he was essentially forced to become a Death Eater and work for Voldemort. You'd think that he'd try to be a better father to his son and show Scorpius the love he never received, but the two didn't even know how to hug each other, not even after Draco feared he'd never see his son again. Oh, and he was still cruel to his childhood rival throughout the play and secretly owned one of the most Dark magical items ever made. We all had hope for Draco's future, but Cursed Child destroyed that.
9 Harry is like, the worst dad ever
It's pretty common for angst-filled teenagers to voice their wish that they were born to different parents. They're hormonal and easily angered, so it's understandable. It's unheard of, however, for fathers to respond to "I wish you weren't my dad" with "there are times I wish you weren't my son." Harry Potter never really had parents, so you can give him some leeway when it comes to proper parenting, but for him to actually tell Albus that he isn't always proud to have him... that is not within the Boy Who Lived's character. He's all about the power of love and acceptance, and there shouldn't be a world where he could absolutely break someone's heart, let alone his son's heart. You messed up big time with this one, Jack Thorne. Maybe actually read a Harry Potter book before you mess with Harry's personality.
8 How is Harry still a Parselmouth?
Everyone who has read the Potter novels understands that when Voldemort tried killing Baby Harry and his spell rebounded due to the power of Lily Potter's love, he accidentally created a Horcrux inside of Harry that contained a bit of his soul. That piece is why Harry had Tom Riddle's ability to speak to snakes, and it's why he could no longer speak Parseltongue after the Horcrux was destroyed by Voldemort in the Forbidden Forrest in Deathly Hallows. So, um, why was Harry a Parselmouth again in Cursed Child? Sure, in another timeline, Voldemort was about to rise again... but that doesn't change the fact that there was no longer a piece of the Dark Lord inside of him. There's no reason his scar should hurt anymore, and no reason he should share any of Voldemort's abilities.
7 Adult Harry is the laziest Auror ever
Harry loved having Hermione do his homework for him as a student at Hogwarts, but with his passion for saving people and doing the right thing, we all thought he'd take his dream job as an Auror and Head of Magical Law Enforcement seriously. Nope! Adult Harry can't even excuse his bad parenting on his job, because he's super lazy and lets all of his paperwork just stack up until Hermione yells at him to get to work. What are you even good for, adult Harry? You're useless at work, you're a horrible and traumatizing father... what did Jack Thorne do to the character we loved and grew up with? Thank Dumbledore you still have Hermione at your side willing to do everything for you.
6 Books don't make for good hiding places, Hermione!
Minister for Magic Hermione Granger was left in charge of the last Time-Turner, a powerful magical item with the power to send someone back in time and allow them to completely alter the course of history. During her childhood, Hermione got to see people break out of the world's most impenetrable prison and break into the world's "safest" bank (and even broke in once herself), so she had an understandable distrust of wizarding security. She also had a lifelong love of books, so she figured... why not hide the Time-Turner inside of a book in her office? Pretty dumb move for someone who is supposed to be the brightest witch of her time, as yet again, a group of kids were able to outsmart their elders. You'd think she could come with a more secure spot, or at least use some tougher riddles as clues for the overly-powerful item's location.
5 Cedric kills Neville?!
Albus and Severus had the brilliant idea to humiliate past Cedric Diggory during the Triwizard Tournament, so he wouldn't have the mindset needed to win the final task with Harry and go on to be killed by Lord Voldemort after touching the Portkey trophy. This... didn't have quite the effect they'd hope for. Humiliated Cedric apparently became a Death Eater and killed Neville Longbottom in the Battle of Hogwarts, creating a future where Harry Potter died at Voldemort's hands and the Dark Lord ruled the world. Getting embarrassed in front of your peers sucks, sure, but with how virtuous and moral Cedric was, any true Potter fan will refuse to believe that doing poorly at a tournament would turn one of Hufflepuff's greatest role models into a cold-blooded murderer. Sorry, Jack Thorne, we're just not buying it.
4 You're supposed to be the smart one, Scorpius...
Scorpius Malfoy was essentially the Hermione Granger of Cursed Child, because he was the level-headed, book-loving nerd friend of the rebellious and adventure-seeking main character. So why on earth did he not just destroy the Time-Turner after he escaped the timeline where Voldemort ruled the world?! He got to witness first-hand just how destructive the object could be, and he and Albus had already tried and failed twice to change the past, both times with horrible results. Was he hoping to go back again for round three? He could have at least turned the item back in to the authorities, but no. He kept the Time-Turner, allowing it to be stolen by the spawn of the Dark Lord, who nearly caused a future even worse than the Voldemort Day timeline Scorpius and Albus already created.
3 What happened to Teddy Lupin?
The Battle of Hogwarts was a truly tragic and heart-breaking war for Potter fans to read about and witness, because it led to the death of a number of our favorite characters. Two particularly difficult deaths to swallow were those of Lupin and Tonks, because it made their newborn baby, Teddy Lupin, an orphan. Before their deaths, they named Harry Teddy's godfather, so we all naturally assumed we'd see quite a bit of Teddy in Cursed Child... nope, Jack Thorne seems to have completely forgotten he exists, and didn't even make mention of the character. As an orphan whose surname was surely well-known throughout the wizarding world, Teddy could have made for a great role model and source of support for Albus. And he's the son of two awesome characters, so he would have been really fun to get to know.
2 Harry literally became Voldemort. Not okay
Harry and the gang didn't have anything from Voldemort with which to use in a Polyjuice Potion, so when they wanted Harry to become the Dark Lord in order to lure Voldemort's daughter into a trap, they decided to just Transfigure Harry into his mortal enemy. If it's possible to just do that, why didn't the Ministry Transfigure people into Voldemort to lure his followers out of hiding back in the day? And come on, making Harry literally become the person who killed his parents with no clue if he could ever turn back into his regular self, and then forcing him to sit back and watch as that person did kill his parents... Harry has been tortured enough throughout his life; this was a bit excessive.
1 Voldemort and Bellatrix's lovechild
The whole "time travel" plot seemed like pure fan-fiction, but we can get over that because you can tell the writer was just trying to find a way to include some of the more popular deceased Harry Potter characters like Cedric, Snape and Voldemort. We can't quite get over the "daughter of the Dark Lord" storyline, though. We saw a not-pregnant Bellatrix at Malfoy Manor in Deathly Hallows, and a not-pregnant Bellatrix a few short months later at the Battle of Hogwarts. Yet somehow, she had a baby in that time? Plus, the whole point of Voldemort is that he never knew love, so we aren't fans of the idea of him making love... especially with a married woman like Bellatrix. Jack Thorne also felt a need to have Harry Potter's son fall for Voldemort's daughter. No. This was just way too much.