For those poor souls out there who haven’t had the pleasure to come across the comedic and musical stylings of Garfunkel & Oates, allow me to introduce them. Garfunkel and Oates are a female comedy duo run by Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome who sing songs about anything and everything that they encounter in their everyday life. From sexual encounters to pointing out religious hypocrisy, there isn’t any topic that this dynamic duo steers clear of. After gaining an audience on YouTube and creating and starring in a hilarious mini series on IFC, they gifted the world with a Netflix comedy special entitled “Trying to be special” that featured old favourites and the same adorkable yet dirty charm that they’re known for. But what makes Garfunkel and Oates truly special is how relatable their content is. Everyone can relate to at least one of their songs and their ownership of their awkwardness, unconventional goals, and sexuality is empowering and awesome. So, without further ado, here are 15 times that Garfunkel and Oates said exactly what everyone was thinking.
15 When Facebook has to remind you of your cousin's ex's brother's birthday.
Social media has its faults, but it’s a brilliant way to keep connected with family that you may not see all the time or friends that you would have otherwise lost contact with. Although, sometimes it feels like Facebook does too good of a job keeping us connected to people. Facebook has introduced a new relationship category to our modern world: the “hey I kinda sorta knew you in highschool so now I added you so that I can check up on your life every now and then to make me feel better about how my life is going.” But the worst thing of all is that Facebook reminds you when it’s their birthday. Am I a dick if I don’t wish you a happy birthday? I mean, I never would have known had it have not been for facebook reminding me and I would have no idea who you were if you waved to me in Walmart. But, I’m a nice person so I will take four seconds to write “happy birthday :)” on your wall and then I will go back to completely ignoring your existence unless your failures feed my ego.
14 What you say to your reflection every morning.
Affirmations are a great way to keep negative self talk from invading your brain. So, sometimes I will stand in front of the mirror and tell myself how good I’m doing and how I am going to crush today. It’s great. Thank you, Garfunkel and Oates, for bringing these sweet song (is it a song song or a theme song song since it was used as the theme for your show? Is the word song starting to look like nonsense to you too?) into my life. It’s charming, it’s endearingly dorky, and it’s as positive as a dollar store pregnancy test. I will take the immortal words of Garfunkel and Oates and chant them into my mirror every morning like some satanic self love ritual.
13 It's not me, it's you. Definitely you.
Sometimes someone is really into you but you just knew that you’d have to lose a lot, and I mean a lot, of self esteem to ever even consider letting that flat room temperature soda of a human being anywhere near your heart or your good n’ plenty’s. And the worst part is is that these kind of people usually end up resorting to petty jabs and playground insults when you reject them. Which makes you feel way better about your decision to avoid that train wreck. My self esteem may be low enough that ants could use it as a limbo bar, but it’s still not low enough to give my heart to someone who thinks that calling me ‘female’ is endearing or cute. Sorry. Better luck next time.
12 When someone asks about your 10 year plan.
Look, I know that since I am a woman, my genitals (or more specifically, my reproductive organs) have an expiration date that is quickly approaching. But I am not ready to grow a human being, push it out of my genitals, and then have to keep it alive for at least 18 years. I don’t know if I will ever be ready for that, but I am certainly not ready for that, financially or mentally. But, as Garfunkel and Oates so cleverly pointed out, recent scientific advancements have made it possible for the financially blessed members of our society to put some genetic material aside for future use. Kinda like when you make too many pancakes and you put some in the freezer to keep yourself from eating 16 pancakes in one sitting. Baby left overs.
11 The moment of joy you feel when you finally find a friend who will indulge you in your random tangents.
If it weren’t for twitter, I don’t know how I would get all of these random thoughts out of my head. I think they would just keep filling up my mind until they began to ooze out every orifice on my body. The only thing better than using social media to get all of these nonsensical thoughts out of my mind is finding someone who finds those thoughts amusing or even endearing. Find someone who doesn’t get upset when you wake them up in the middle of the night to ask them what squids think about. Spend your life with someone who doesn’t get annoyed when you slip a note under the bathroom door while they’re doing their duty so you can respectfully ask them what Hogwarts house you think your pet rabbit would be in.
10 When a good night out turns into a parade of 'no thank you.'
Now, I haven’t been to many parties myself but I went to a house party during a huge power outage and it was a huge mistake. We got there way too late, all the food was gone, there were no pets to play with, and there was a drunk couple fighting in the corner ‘Ronnie and Sam’ style. All of a sudden, this girls house was flooded with a parade of what can only be professionally described as men whose James Bond style name would be Eve, Summer’s Eve. (I had to take a break writing this because that last joke made me crack up. Always laugh at your own jokes, kids.) The above music video perfectly describes the butt clenching awfulness that overcomes you when these over confident, over gelled, and overly drunk guests come stumbling in.
9 When they called out the annoying behaviours that pregnant women partake in.
This is going to offend a lot of people so I apologize in advance but pregnant people are kind of the worst sometimes. I get it, you’re creating life and it’s extremely hard and taxing. Babies are horrific alien parasites that take over your entire body and it’s not your fault. But, honestly, like Garfunkel and Oates, I really don’t want to hear about how much your entire world has changed and how nothing that happened before this moment in your life has had any meaning whatsoever. I’m really having fun living my own life which consists of me eating grape popsicles at 3am in a onesie so I’m closer to being an actual toddler than having one; so you talking down to me because you’re so enlightened now that you’re bringing forth new life is a real buzz kill. Just stop.
8 That time they described the weird baby fever that sometimes takes hold of all of us.
All of that baby aversion aside, there are times where I’m standing in line and this baby makes eye contact with me and smile/giggles and I feel myself dying inside. My womb comes to life and, like in the above gif, tries to remind me of my biological function. That baby is cute. I love babies. Babies are god’s gift to humanity and we all need to start procreating right now. And then I am quickly snapped out of this moment of fertile bliss when some snot stuffed poop machine starts screaming so loud one can only assume that he is trying to create sonar but has no clue how sonar actually works. And I quickly remember how much I do not like kids (which is, funnily enough, the only thing about me that has changed since I was five years old. Well, that and the puberty fairy hit me like a dump truck.)
7 When they wrote a song about all the people who you just can't figure out where you know them from.
It happens all the time. Someone comes up to you and they are over the moon at catching you running errands, for some reason. They go in for a hug and are excitedly screaming small talk at you while you nod your head in terror as you try to remember who they are without letting them know that you have absolutely no idea who this person is. I’m sorry dude, but I cannot place your face at all. Sometimes I wish I was a cyborg so when this happened I could just activate my face recognizing software and it would tell me your name and some small talk orientated facts about you that we can casually discuss to avoid me starring at you like a spoon I’m trying to bend with my mind.
6 You're right, I honestly couldn't care less about sports.
Now, I am lucky to have never dated anyone an interest in televised sporting activities, and for that I am grateful. All my feelings towards televised sporting activities can be summarized by the above video. I enjoy playing some sports and have nothing against those who think watching millionaires in tights play catch is a great way to spend an entire sunday or whatever day football is aired on; whatever floats your boat. But if you make me watch it, don’t expect me to be interested in what’s going on nor understand what I’m watching. I’ve been to one super bowl party and I made myself a plate of appies, deserted the party itself, and went into the other room to play Spryo with the other children.
5 When Kate summed up all of our feelings about adulthood in 3 seconds.
Kate’s right. It’s too much. I’ve always been a little too old for my age but the technicalities of being a grown up is the absolute worst. You have to do things you don’t want to do because it’s ‘polite’ and you can’t yell ‘I’m bored’ in the middle of important meetings. You have to pay taxes, insurance, bills, for groceries, rent...It’s too much. I don’t like it. I’m tired all the time and I just want to have, like, a month or so off from having to pay for everything all the time. Why do I need to pay for so many things? Why is everything so expensive? I don’t wanna go to the doctor nor the dentist. I just want a peanut butter sandwich and a nap.
4 What's that sound? It's my biological clock ticking.
I know I’m nowhere near being neither 29 nor 31; however my brain won’t turn off and my thoughts are always eons ahead of where they should be. One thing we’re learning in school right now is how much people discount the future because it’s so far away. 29 didn’t realize how quickly 31 was coming around the corner and she discounted the reality of her actions because everything that isn’t happening right now feels like it’s so far away that it shouldn’t even matter. But it’s not far away, it’s coming up faster than you think. Don’t let the future sneak up on you because it will be angry that you haven’t adequately prepared. Secondly, why is 30 such a magical number? Why have we all, collectively, decided that people have to suddenly have everything figured out and together by the time that they are 30 or they will be treated as some sort of social pariah?
3 Can people with anxiety even meditate?
I can’t sleep at night. It’s not because I’m on my phone or drank too much caffeine during the day, it’s because I am literally unable to shut my brain up unless it is occupied with something else. ‘Just close your eyes and go to sleep. Like meditation.” As Riki has pointed about in the above gif, that isn’t so easy for everyone. The moment I close my eyes, my brain turns into a 1980’s stand up coming testing out new material to a less than enthusiastic audience. Why do we drive in the parkway but we park in the driveway? What is the deal with airplanes? Why does that pink lady in the Wizard of Oz let Dorothy know in the beginning that she can go home whenever she wanted? Why do we put shoes on babies that can’t even walk yet and then get mad when they pull them off? Why do we turn down the radio when looking for an address? These are the questions that haunt me.
2 "Ignore call": the coward's way of ending relationships.
Look, we both know that I am a big baby who is scared of conflict and confrontation. And we should both be picking up on the fact that this relationship is clearly dying and we tried to keep it alive but it’s just not working out. But for some reason you didn’t get that message and I am too much of a wimp to tell you that I don’t want to talk to you anymore because we have nothing in common anymore and you kinda suck as a person. So what do we do? Garfunkel and Oates summarized this awkward and cruel yet easy and confrontation freeway of letting someone down easy by just never letting them down officially in the above video. Just fade out of that person’s life like Kris Jenner’s wrinkles in her instagram photos.
1 When they said exactly what we wish we could say in social situations.
It’s happened to the best of us. The group is laughing, everyone is having a great time, and you think of a perfectly topical and hilarious story. So you just go for it, you dive into retelling this epic tale and halfway into...the story....you realize that…no one is listening to you at all. So you...just kinda...stop talking...and hope that nobody noticed that you tried and failed to tell a story. Now, what you want to do is call out the person who is talking over you, command the attention of the rest of the group, and finish your story but we all know that what we’re actually going to do is ghost out of that conversation and deny that we had ever spoken in the first place. I hate being the centre of attention more than I hate it when my dentist asks me if I've been brushing and flossing thrice a day, but at the very least, I would appreciate some attention directed my way while I'm telling everyone a story.