Let's raise a glass to the outcasts. Let's tip our hats to the freaks. Let's give a toast to the cave-dwelling mountain monsters dangerously obsessed with an all-controlling ring of power.
We know Gollum. We pity Gollum. Sometimes we even hate Gollum. But dammit if we don't respect Gollum. A spiny, yet spineless, creature from the deep made famous for manipulation and overall douchebaggery, this former Hobbit and current lava puddle took no shame in toying with our minds, but for some reason, we can't help but feel for the guy. He got dealt a bad hand. He struggled with addiction. He may or may not have attempted to fight his inner demons in order to make some genuine friends out of Sam and Frodo. For all of this baggage — hate him though you might — it’s hard not to connect with this slimy son of a betch. This is precisely why you need to keep reading to discover the 15 times Gollum from LOTR was all of us.
16 Beggars Can't Be Choosers
You know when you want something so bad it hurts; when you want something so bad you're willing to beg? Yeah, well so does Gollum. Or so did Gollum. But yeah, this has been you at one point in time, willing to give up your dignity for something. Willing to sacrifice your personal self-worth for something so inconceivably vital. Willing to grovel and cry over. The only main difference is that for Gollum, it was the ring, while for you, it's probably french fries or something. You noob.
Then again, there’s something endearing about begging. If nothing else, Gollum proved that if something that looks like he looks can summon even the slightest shred of sympathy, then you definitely stand a fighting chance. So hooray for that.
15 Dignity Crawl
Listen, whether you're a regular weekend shot-pusher or an occasional fan of knocking back a few Chilis’ margaritas, we've all been to the point of no return once or twice. We've all been there, drunker than we planned on being, crawling desperately towards something (i.e. Nachos, the phone you keep dropping, your dignity). While Gollum may not necessarily be as drunk as he looks, his visual state says otherwise. Poor Gollum. But then again, poor you. Maybe give your body a rest this coming weekend. This whole crawling around on the floor is really starting to creep people out. Like, it’s really creeping people out. Not exactly the kind of reputation you want to have people know you for… Unless you don't mind looking as thought he ring of power is in the process of stripping you of your soul.
14 The Hunger Is Real
You ever have those days where it feels like you never have enough food in the house? Of course you do. That's the curse of being young and broke, and no one seems to understand that better than Gollum himself. As messed up as he might have been, Gollum was also the ultimate drama queen. You would think that living in a cave and eating raw fish would be proof that most things wouldn't really bother him, but that couldn't be further from the point.
The same goes for you, though. Honestly, your life really isn't half bad. Sure, it can be a little rough around the edges in parts, but mostly, you've got it made. Still, though, when you look in your fridge, the opposite is true. It's time like these that make you wonder why exactly anyone thought it would be a good idea to go out of their way to buy three different versions of mustard, but not get anything that can actually satisfy hunger. Alas, as Gollum pointed out clearly enough, "We must starve!"
12 Super Self-Deprecation
If there's one thing that most of us can relate to with Gollum, it's how much we tear ourselves down for literally no reason whatsoever. Even when you have all these plans, you take one look in the mirror and decide you hate yourself and that no one likes you. Do you base this on anything? Not at all. Just like Gollum's split personality, though, you're really good at convincing yourself of things aren't even true.
Some people actually have other people tearing them down, but you don't have any need — because you've got yourself. Ugh. Wouldn't it be nice to just relate to someone like Legolas. Freaking Legolas and all of those prissy elves know what's up. They're kicking back, enjoying their perfection, while you and Gollum are looking at your reflection, wondering where it all went wrong...
11 I Can Has This?
There's nothing more awkward than being at someone else's house and wanting something that very clearly doesn't belong to you. You see. You want it. But dammit... your need to have it doesn't make it any less somebody else's. For Gollum, this was the ring. But for you? This could apply to pretty much anything. The rest of the Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Therapy pint in the freezer, the bag of grapes in the fridge, the Cap'n Crunch in the pantry. OK, so it's usually always going to be food, but that's beside the point. Being food or not being doesn't change the fact that there is legit temptation happening here, and you are willing to put on your cute face and your baby voice to get it.
But if that doesn't work, you're willing to bring out your fists, just like our dear Gollum, who threw down a like a boss. That goddamn Chocolate Therapy will be yours.
10 Constant Highs And Lows
It's so typical that you would work ridiculously hard to get something, only to lose it literally ten seconds after getting it. Gollum knows what's up, and you know what's up. So, maybe you weren't exactly looking for the ring of power, but you can pretty much replace with any other aspiration in life. You wish you could bottle that feeling, but it makes no difference — the blow that's about to hit you will oversaturate the high you were feeling and is way, way too potent.
Such is life, though. It may pale in comparison to the feeling Gollum had when he finally got his hands on the ring, but the same idea still applies. Honestly, though, you may as well count your blessings. At least you didn't fall into a pit of lava, though. That's, uh... that's a consolation, right?
9 F*ck Is This Sh*t?
Ah, the bitterness of disappointment. There's nothing worse than having your expectations smacked to Hell, especially when they were so high to begin with. This is pretty much the epitome of Gollum, some sad little dude who just wanted to be left alone with his evil jewelry — and this is why we can relate. This is especially frustrating when you just so happen to be experiencing a string of disappointment after disappointment (ahem, literally every day following the first time Gollum lost the ring to Bilbo).
Life can be unfair sometimes, but when there's a freaking trend of unfairness — just one disaster after the other — it's only natural that you'd lose your damn mind. Life sucks sometimes, and all you can really ask at the end of the day is, "What the f*ck is this sh*t?"
The struggle is real.
8 Always Coming Second
Doesn't it feel great never catching a break? No, of course it doesn't, and if anyone could relate to that, it's Gollum. Hell, even Lego Gollum can relate. Maybe you haven't been wasting your whole life away just for a ring (unless your goal in life is to be a contestant on the The Bachelor), but it's a universal enough feeling. Nobody what you do, you're always coming in second. It doesn't matter how much work you put into something, everything ends in some form of failure. At this point in life, you try to convince yourself to just not care anymore, but that's easier said than done. Some people have resting bitch face. You, on the other hand, have resting FML face.
7 My Bad
Listen. Nobody's perfect. We all screw up from time to time, and if ever there was a "My Bad" face, it's this. Gollum already looks like he's on a straight diet of failure sauce as it is, so it's not like it comes as any surprise that he'd have this look nailed down so perfectly. When we rock this look, it's not one of our proudest moments, but it's inevitable. In a weird way, it shows that we at least care a little bit.
Granted, the shit that Gollum pulls with pretty much everyone he meets — but especially anyone with the last name Baggins — is significantly worse than anything you've probably ever done (probably), it's still relatable. We've been there, Smeags. We know the feels.
6 You've Gotta Be Sh*tting Me...
Have you ever just failed at life so horribly that you can't help but look into the deep vastness of your existence and say to yourself, "I done f*cked up?" Sure you have. We all have. And if you're anything like Gollum, you have no shame in writhing around like an insane person, throwing a temper tantrum over how unhappy you are with the given situation.
Nothing is going your way, and even though you physically freak out and show everyone how pissed off you are, nothing gets resolved. In fact, this is exactly why you physically freak out — because it's the only kind of satisfaction you're going to get, and you've accepted this. What's worse is that this problem really isn't so unfixable, but the complaining seems to be doing the trick for you, so you're sticking with that for a while.
5 Just Found Five Dollars — I'm Retiring
Gollum pretty much lost his goddamn mind when he finally got his hands on his precious, but not everybody's standards are so high. If you're not sure if such low standards apply to you, then you need only take the Five Dollar Pocket Test. What's the Five Dollar Pocket Test? Easy. Have you ever reached into your pocket, found five dollars, and then swore off work forever because you decided you can now finally retire? If you answered yes, then yeah — you don't have Gollum standards. With that being said, we can still totally relate to that feeling he had when he finally got his hands on the precious ring of power.
Gollum legitimately looks like he's mid-orgasm when he gets his hands on that ring, and yeah... we can relate, dude. Five dollars may not seem like much, but neither does one dollar, either, and yet we'd still have the same reaction. Money just feels like it's worth more when it shows up out of nowhere. It's weird like that.
4 Silent, But Deadly
Listen. We all do it. We all fart. The thing is, though, we usually try our best to reserve our gas-passing sessions for occasions when no one is around. We wait till we're outside, till we're in the bathroom, till we're alone... Sadly, though, this isn't always going to be the case. Sometimes, just like the the little gremlin that is Gollum, you've got to be sneaky. Sometimes you've got to release your gaseous sidekick even when the coast is very much not clear.
There's kind of a science to this. You usually have a good idea when a fart is quiet and when it's not, and when it is, you're usually safe. But the second that scent reaches people's noses, people will know that someone broke the anti-farting code. They'll all turn into Sherlock Holmes, eyeing the room, trying to determine whodunit. So it's only a matter of time that they'll trace it all back to you, at which point, all you can really do is give up and face the music. This is the "Sorry, dude, I just — I'm sorry" face. We can just imagine that Sam and Frodo suffered through much of this on their way to Mount Doom.
In The Return of the King, we find out that before he became Gollum, our creepy friend was once Smeagol the Hobbit. He was hairier, less grey, and less murder-y. But in this particular image, it’s easy to relate. You know the feeling. You’ve been crushing hard, but whether or not this particular someone feels the same way about you remains to be seen. You’re left in a fog. You’re desperate. Laying awake at night, scratching your neck like a fiend (not unlike Gollum's transformation). It’s awful.
But then, you get the text — and oh, what a glorious text it is. Honestly, just looking at your phone, at the text, is enough to make you forget that there’s such a thing as having text-reading-creep-face. Which is what you have. Like Gollum, there’s no shame in reading the text and audibly saying to yourself, “My precious.” Just don’t text it.
The best of us have squad goals. But do these goals always pan out the way we’d like them to? No. They don’t. Most of the time we end realizing that we’re just the awkward third wheel, and like Gollum, our dirty loincloth often gives us away. Gollum, you may have been a crazy killer, but we get you. We get where you were coming from, and at the very least, you have our sympathy. Mainly because we rarely get sympathy ourselves, and our self-deprecation has us feeling a bit charitable. So take it while it’s hot.
We’d like to tell Gollum that it’ll get better, but — let’s not kid ourselves. This #squadgoals BS just helps remind most of us that goals are no guarantee of them actually coming true. Just look at what happened with Sam and Frodo. Sure, they may have had better intentions, but they really had something there...
1 STFU, Already!
Is it a lot to ask for just wanting some peace and quiet? You have one more episode left, and you're pretty sure you didn't invite people over just so they could add their personal commentary track. You just want to finish watching this show in peace. This is where we can absolutely relate to Gollum. We know deep down, he'd love it if Sam and Frodo could excuse themselves from his company. He'd love to just enjoy the ring on his own, listening to that sweet, evil hum from Lord Sauron. Alas, he can't, because these two Hobbits won't leave him alone.
Bingeing on your favorite show may not be on the same level, but it's close enough. Part of you enjoys the company, but the other part just wants these people to be as obsessed (and as quiet) as you are. Why is that so much to ask? Sometimes, you feel yourself burning up. Your skull is about to pop. Your brain is melting. Is that sweat? Are these interruptive ass-hats actually making you sweat?
Whew. Breathe. Breathe. You've got this, you've got this, you've-
OMG WILL YOU PLEASE STFU ALREADY?!?!?!?!?!?!