People often say that having a pet is like having a child – I know, parents usually complain about this comparison, but I'm a parent and a dog owner, so it's okay if I say it. And honestly, it's pretty accurate – except for the fact that pets don't usually go to college. Pets can be adorable, but they can also be little self-involved douchebags that think that the entire world revolves around them.
From dogs to cats, to even bunnies, chinchillas and pet rats, check out a few of the most hilarious stories about pets being douchebags that Reddit has ever seen. Make sure you are not drinking or eating anything while reading this because, it has caused choking before. Have fun!
"This is Daisy and she's an asshole
- Throws fits by throwing herself on the floor repeatedly and writhing around like she's in pain for no reason at all.
- Daisy loves ice. LOVES ice. She pretends to be deaf when she wanders off into the neighbor's yard to shit. But if you hit the ice button on the refrigerator, she can hear it from the basement and comes running. If she doesn't get ice, she throws a fit.
- Waits until 2am to bark. Usually just a single bark. Just to let you know she's awake and now you are, too.
- Drags her bed into the middle of the room then stares at you like "you did it". You bitch, YOU did it. If you move her bed back to where it belongs, she decides that's the time to jump in it. Right as you start moving it.
- Has no idea how to "play bite". Her teeth are the sharpest dog teeth I've ever known.
- Doesn't like to play ball. What she does like to do is take the ball and go home. Her sister LOVES the ball. She can play for hours. Daisy just picks up the ball and calmly walks into the house with it.
- Once wandered off to go live with someone else. When we lived in California, it was common to just leave the front door open for the breeze. One night at about 11pm, Daisy decided to find another family. She had never done this before because she was afraid of the stairs so we never had a reason to put a gate up. We frantically searched the neighborhood for about 30 minutes. She seriously just wandered into another family's house down the street and laid down. Like she owned the fucking place.
- She walked right into our neighbor's apartment and ate popcorn off their living room table. They let her do it. It wasn't like I was an irresponsible pet owner and let the dog do whatever she wants. It was something like I came home from the grocery store, opened the door and she was waiting there for me. She knew there was popcorn and she went for it.
- I call her Daisy Underfoot. Wherever you want to put your feet while carrying something heavy, that's where she is. Every time.
- She recently got her face caught in a mouse glue trap. I specifically got glue traps instead of snap traps because of her. But she did it anyway. Not just her face. Her face and her ear.
Daisy does all of this when no one else is there. If we have company, she is the cutest dog ever. Everyone thinks I'm crazy for calling her an asshole. She's my little princess and I lover her, but she's a goddam asshole." - flexyourhead_
14 The Cat
"My cat refuses to eat unless I'm in the room with him. Like, I will put his wet food in a bowl and he'll be eating it normally but if I leave the room like two moments later he'll show up where I'm at and whine at me until I follow him back to his food where he'll continue to eat as he was before.
He only does this when I'm at home. When I'm gone and come back I notice that there's dry food missing from his bowl so I know that he eats all alone when I'm not there just fine." - LemonFake
Other cat owners commiserated:
"My cat also does this. Unfortunately, he also thinks he needs to eat at 6 am. So I'll get out of bed, half asleep, pour him food and then leave him alone. He'll just follow me back to bed and yell until someone goes and stands over him while he eats." - drclairefraser
"Mine too. 'Stand and watch me, Mummy! You know you love it! At 5am!'
Also the door to the utility where she eats is a stable door, so the top half is always open. She can jump out fine, but refuses to jump in to get the food. Hence the 5am wake-up call." - suspecrobot
So, in conclusion, cats are the actual owners in the relationship.
13 The Reckless Bunny
"I may have been running around for 10 hours on the garden, but now that it's getting on dusk and you need to put me back in my hutch so I don't get eaten by predators, fuck you! Let's spend another half an hour running around the garden because I like freedom more than staying alive."- My bunny, each and every night." - SirApatosaurus
"My bunny too. Babbitty Rabbitty lets his freedom go to his head. If we leave him out of the hutch for too long then he'll kick the whole way to his hutch. Him and the dogs have also been tag teaming this giant hole in their side of the garden." - AlasEarwax8
Can I just say that Babbitty Rabbitty is the absolute best name ever for a bunny? Seriously, though, genius.
12 The Humper
"I'm a new-ish cat owner.. Always been a big dog person. My SO brought home a cat. 2 weeks later, I wake up to her humping my SO. I was unaware what was happening so I'm laying in bed, googling "cat is doing weird things to someone's body...." Clicked on images.. confirmed. cat humped my SO.
Anyone want a cat? I'm not into kitty porn." - jdmchic00.
"My orange cat anger-humps my other cats. Like if he isn't allowed in the basement, or one of us has gone somewhere where he can't follow, or he wants to play but I'm cooking and can't throw his ball for him right now, he'll grab whatever cat is closest to him and just start humping away. It's very bizarre and he is very much not allowed to do that." - thebloodofthematador
Kitty porn, LOL.
11 The Tormentor
"I have two small dogs, a Phalene and a mini Schnauzer. When I give them each a cookie the Phalene will snarf his down immediately. The Schnauzer will lay his on the floor and then torment the Phalene with it, growling if the other dog even looks at it. After a lot of whining and growling the Schnauzer will slowly eat his cookie while the other dog watches." - nannylinn62
Seriously, though, that Schnauzer is a real douchebag. But at least he is a douchebag to the other dog and not to his caring human.
"My girls used to do this. The lab is a pig, the golden is a tease. After a few times, the lab bit the golden in the ear and stole her cookie. She doesn't play that game anymore." - papereverywhere
10 The Little Weasel
"my dog won't let my wife and I snuggle. She always gets between us and makes me pay attention to only her. We've nicknamed her weasel." - juggilinjnuggala
Apparently, this is a very common situation, because a lot of other Redditors shared similar stories:
"Had a dog I nicknamed Chastity for this reason" Reddit user haresfur.
"Oh, my exe's dog would squeeze in between us, put his back against the ex and his feet against me, and push me out of bed." - MooPig48
"Our dog is the same way. She also hates it when we're playing on our phones." - sortashort
"One of my cats likes to sleep between my wife and I and is really hard to move out of the way for sexy time. We call him Chaperone Kitty." - FrostyBeav
"My pit mix does this. Will not let my husband even Come near me let alone touch me. Its gotten worse now that I'm pregnant. Now noone but her is allowed near me or my belly. She pushes anyone who tries to touch my belly away and keeps pushing until they walk away" - Ziggyrollablunt
9 The Angry Chinchilla
"I have a chinchilla that lives in my bathroom. When I've annoyed him, he'll get into my toiletries cupboard, find my tampons and rip them apart.
My kitchen-dwelling parrot also refuses to let me eat during the day. He'll hop onto the island and charge at me if I go anywhere near the fridge or cupboards. I've still got nerve damage in my pinky from the last time I risked it to get a bag of granola :(
The rest of my pets are chill, though." - gcbriel
Apparently, this chinchilla is not the only douchebag:
"I have a chinchilla. He's an asshole too. He'll bark when he's alone because he's lonely, but he'll turn his ass on you when you come back and try to interact with him. He throws his poops (I've seen him do it!) He nibbles all friendly-like and then CHOMP! When he plays, he won't get back in his cage. He tears up his fleece cage liners; gets pissed when we put them back in order. We also have a fleece blanket between the cage and the wall to prevent him from pissing on the wall. He somehow rips it down no matter how we secure it, and then pisses on the wall." - CrazySheltieLady
8 The Pretender
"My pet rat will pretend to be interested in food when I'm feeding her, then when my hands are full filling up their food bowl, she'll run out of the room to go play in the living room. She knows she's not allowed out of the room when I'm not there (lots of wires she could chew into and electrocute herself on) so she'll go exploring when I'm distracted, then when I come around the corner and demand she come back, she meekly peeks out from behind my couch and just waits for me to pick her back up and bring her back to her cage." - TamponShotgun
"I have three rats and they're all assholes. Two of them are the cutest little cuddlebugs and one is a grumpy man who immediately turns Into a soap bar when you try to hold him for more than 3 seconds. The youngest rex one ALWAYS gets too excited about treats and accidentally bites my finger instead of the treat 50% of the time. The last one is pretty chill but I won't let him cuddle under my shirt anymore since he bit my nipple once when I let him in without a bra.
But it's all worth it when I go to their cage in the morning and they greet me by furiously licking Me and trying to climb my arms." - iveroi
7 The Fetcher
"Got a cat named Zelda. Now, saying Zelda "loves" to play fetch is an understatement. She is addicted to it. Any toy or object that is small enough to fit in her mouth, she will always bring to either me or my girlfriend, drop at our feet, and then meow at us until one of us throws it.
She also has a strange obsession with soaking her toys in the water bowl. I don't know why, but every now and then, she'll just plunk it in there, and then bring it to us, like she's proud or something. It's a weird thing to do, but not really annoying by itself. Where it gets asshole-ish, is when she takes that freshly soaked toy, and decides it's time to play fetch at 2:30 in the morning, so she walks it over and drops it on my girlfriend's face, while meowing her little head off." - ernkinator69
"One of my three cats was doing the water bowl thing for a while too, only we have a drinking water fountain (his sister will only drink running water so it shuts her up). After a while we figured out he was only doing it to fabric toys, and then fabric toys that contained catnip. He was holding the toy under the stream then just wandering off and leaving it for a few hours before coming back and fishing it out.
Lil fucker was brewing catnip tea." - RazTehWaz
6 The Chaser
"I grew up on a farm. Our dog Jack has this thing where he'll chase any and every vehicle that'll drive by it. Like literally anything. Trucks, cars, semis, sprayers, combines, tractors, graders. People in the area legit slow down going by our place now cause they expect him to jump out of the trees and start chasing.
He's been nicked a couple times, but nothing too serious. Once he got nicked bad enough that he limped for a bit and couldn't enjoy his favourite pastime for about a month. People straight up asked us if our dog died, cause he wasn't chasing them when they drove by.
Other than that, he's a good dog. Big lazy bum most of the time." - moose1324
And, as always, a hilarious response to the original post:
"Give him a break, he's tired chasing all those potential enemies from your property." - bomi3ster
Which, in all honesty, makes a lot of sense. Poor guy thinks he is actually protecting the house and his family.
5 The Attacker
"I may have a cat that even our vet is afraid of. He's a total asshole. He attacks everyone that comes to our house, for no reason other than they are there.But he's also the biggest attention whore with me. He follows me around and stares at me all the time. He literally stalks me like prey sometimes.And God forbid he get bored. 4am is his favorite time, and he hates that I'm asleep. But instead of being a normal cat who meows and jumps on the bed, he'll come in the bedroom, open the drawer I keep my hair ties in, and sit on my nightstand and chew, loudly, on the damn hair tie. When I wake up and try to kick him out, he runs and hides and waits until I fall asleep to start doing it again. If I shut the door, he'll scratch at the door to get back in. He's a passive aggressive jackass." - Honkey_Cat.
4 The Odd Trio
"My crayfish is an escape artist, and needs mesh covering every possible way out of his tank.
My turtle is impossible to feed, because he gets so excited when you go near his tank that he starts flailing enough to make the food sink.
My pleco (an "armored catfish," for the non-aquarium types) takes shits longer than he is (these fish get huge) and drapes them all over his tank.
...I keep odd pets..." - Imakelasers
"My rainbow shark sometimes lets out shits that put BOTH my plecostomus to shame.
He also attempts to jump if I don't feed him his algae wafers." - adcas
"We just lost our bamboo shrimp because he escaped. I found him under a desk. Poor J.J.Jr." - Nillabeans
3 The Pooper
"Our dog revenge poops constantly. If we go outside without him, even just for 2 minutes, he'll immediately go force out whatever poop he can just to be a dick. When we get back in he's already in his crate waiting, so he knows he's getting punished he just thinks it's worth it." -r SirBaconMcPorkchop.
That dog clearly wants you to know who wears the pants in that relationship. Spoiler: it is definitely not you.
"I have a dog with anxiety. She pees within moments of us leaving the house, even if we have just taken her out. We should have named her Puddles instead of Risky." - adriarchetypa.
Seriously, though, the name Risky also works because you definitely do not want to risk taking her anywhere with that anxiety and peeing issues!
"This is Jackson.
Jackson is a border collie, which right away means he is flat out insane. He's clever, but actually not terribly smart. He's figured out how to open every single garbage can that has ever existed in my house, mostly so he can eat the paper towel/tissue that is inside, and proceed to either vomit it back up or half-shit it out so you have to tug it out of his asshole.
He eats cat turds, less of a problem now that we no longer have a cat, but he has found them in the garden and thrown them up on my pillow at two in the morning.
He's actually pretty well behaved, EXCEPT for food. He is a notorious thief and will eat literally anything. Spinach? Great. Tops of strawberries? Awesome. Stole a celery stalk out of my Caesar once. He has eaten a half pound of raw bacon, half of a birthday cake, and an entire pizza.
In order to wake me up in the morning, he snerts in my ear, then proceeds to roll on my head. Like full-on shoulder check.
He's kind of an asshole to other dogs when he's on leash. Off leash? Everyone is awesome. On leash? He might eat you.
Compulsive licker. Lotion creep. You have to close the bathroom door when you shower/bathe because he will get in with you.
And as I type this he is yodelling in my ear because he wants his dinner. Is too early, dog." - Fauxdite.
1 The Challenger
"Like many people, I have a kitchen table. My kitchen table sits up against the window with the best view of the bird feeder and, by extension, the birds and small mammals that congregate there. As such, my cats are sorely tempted to hop up and sit on said table in order to look out the window. There's a stool set up specifically for that purpose, but they're big cats and the table affords more butt support.
Of course, no one wants to eat food off a surface that regularly hosts cat butts, so when one of the cats gets caught sitting on the table, they get a verbal warning (which is usually enough to deter the two generally well-behaved cats). This asshole, however, just gives you a dirty look that says, "Well, what are you gonna do about it?" What we do about it is spritz him in the face with a plant mister, which he hates, but gets him to jump off the table and slink off to sulk for a while.
What makes him a truly vindictive asshole, however, is that once he slinks off, he hides around the corner and waits for the sprayer to come by. When they do, he gets his revenge by jumping out and attacking the sprayer's ankles. Fucking petty vindictive asshole cat." - captainthomas.