Every once in awhile you come across a show that makes you say, "me". If you're an average everyday person who may be a little too into your BFF then that show is 100 percent Broad City. Maybe you identify more with the free-living sexually unrestrained Ilana or maybe you're more of a subdued often awkward Abbi. Honestly, it's inconsequential who you relate to more because each one of these beautiful queens is a woke goddess who deserves all the YAS'S in the world. Watching these two on the weekly gives me so much life, because it feels like they know my struggle so well. Whether it's at the DMV, a food co-op, or the holy of holy's – Bed Bath And Beyond – Abbi and Ilana are all of us.
15 Getting The Apartment To Yourself
It doesn't matter if you live with your parents, roommates, or your partner, nothing compares to the magic of them leaving and you finally having the place to yourself. Sorry people I love/and or am forced to live with due to my depressingly low income, when I see you walk out the door my pants are coming off, Netflix is getting binged, and I'mma eat peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon; with not a single set of eyes to judge me. Abbi parading around her Bevers-free apartment completely butt naked and lip synching for her life to Lady Gaga is all of us who need a little me time. She may have been a little more theatrical than most, but truthfully, it was the most inspiring scene I have ever bared witness to in recent memory.
14 The Inability To Talk To An Attractive Human
Abbi seeing Jeremy in the hall and answering his greeting with, "your arms" was way WAY too familiar. Whenever I see someone I am in anyway attracted to I lose any semblance of vocal and physical control I may have once had. I can't make eye contact, my mouth says dumb things because my stupid brain has curled up into a fetal position – unable to make sense of this glowing god of a barista in front of me. Her excuses to get out of the situation, like phony phone calls from her dry cleaner about her underwear stains are so relatably painful I have to hold my hands over my ears. But hey I guess that awkward kind of communication sometimes works because in the end, she did get to peg him.
13 A Slightly Unhealthy Love For Your Bestie
If I'm watching Broad City, no matter what, I always end up messaging my best friend. She is the Ilana to my Abbi and yeah maybe we're too comfortable with each other and yeah maybe we are each other's makeshift boyfriends but whatever, I'm completely fine with it. Sure, we don't poop skype each other and yeah as far as I know my bff doesn't say I have the butt of an angel, though maybe, HAILEY, she should, as this would do wonders for my self esteem. But we definitely are each others soul mates and if she ever, EVER said someone else was her best friend I would Ilana up and smack her right in her beautiful stupid mouth.
12 Making Do With Your Terrible Job
There are times in life, my whole life actually, where you have to take on some minimum wage garbage job so you can live week to week while trying to obtain your real dream career. Abbi and Ilana are the KWEENS of crap work and it makes me feel a lot better about my own minimum wage nightmare fiasco. At least I don't have to deal with an "unprecedented pube situation in the locker room". Abbi may buckle down and work hard in an attempt to overcome, but Ilana is the real hero here. Watching her take a 2 hour long nap in the toilet stall complete with pillow, well I couldn't stop saluting my TV screen. Thank you Ilana Wexler, for being an inspiration to slackers the world over.
11 Very Questionable Hookups
Ughhh even just writing this particular entry makes me cringe with very un-fond memories. We all have, well, lapses in judgement, when it comes to people we choose to take home, and don't you dare lie to me and say this has never happened to you. Do NOT shame me on this one, we are all in this regrettable life choice together, and Abbi and Ilana are not immune. Do they find below average looking men hot just because they are dj's? Yep. They sure do. Do they get with someone they think is a total dud because – well – that's all that's available to them at the time. You know it. Do they take home that hot guy after watching their god-awful improv show where they quoted Dr. Evil. Oh yes, very much they do. Just when they do it, it's actually entertaining to watch and not the car crash that are my poorest of drunken decisions. Seriously, why does my brain desert me when I need it the most?! Oh right, because I doused it in alcohol and took it out on the town.
10 Knowing That Food Is Always The Answer
If I have learned anything about who I am as a person, it's that, much like a dog, I am very food motivated. Need me to attend a meeting? Remind me of the conference room donuts. Tell me that we need to have a serious discussion about my life choices? If it's over brunch I'll be there. So when I see Ilana and Abbi cramming shrimp into Ziplock bags they brought to a party specifically for that reason, I say yes, yes! What's the point of sneaking into a ritzy soiree if you aren't going to take some of that gourmet delicious seafood swag home with you. No point I tell ya. Ilana's commitment to tasty treats is so strong she ignored her shellfish allergy to point of looking like a red blotchy version of the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. And you know what, probs no regrets about it whatsoever.
9 Handling Being A Broke-Ass
This is something I admire very much about these fictional characters – their ability to swindle and cajole. If they were real I would want them to put on a seminar about to how to lifehack your way through living below the poverty line. I would absolutely be sneaking/ grifting my way into that Ted Talk. They'd be spouting important life lessons like, Bed Bath And Beyond Coupons NEVER expire or that if you're currently sleeping with a dentist you will get discounted, maybe even free, teeth work! These are the classes that should have been taught in school – not that bullshit "science" or whatever. No, what I need is Ilana and Abbi telling me that if you put both your apartments up on Air Bnb at the same time and sleep on the roof of your building you will succeed in life, money, and happiness.
8 Getting Sucked Into "The Matrix"
Oh, the internet. Where would we be without it. How would I know which Disney Princess I was, I would be clueless when it came to 15 crazy things about Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion. But, and I hate to say it, sometimes we get a little too into it. I can't say I have ever been in a room with another human and forgotten they were there altogether, but I can also say I wouldn't be all that bothered if I had. So it was a nice reminder from the gals at Broad City to unplug and go out to the park where you can hit on dudes "irl". You don't need Tinder, all you need are a set of strong lungs and the words, "WANNA FUQ?!"
7 Idolizing Strong Bad-Ass Bitches Everywhere
Without the powerful women who came before us we'd be in a completely different world, one where I would be constantly expected to laundry. Not just my own laundry, but my entire households. Yeah, nah. I'm lucky if I hit a washer once every three weeks. So if I saw Hilary Clinton anywhere outside of my television screen my knees would give out and a slur of non-sensical "yas kweens", and "yah mama's" would spill out of my mouth. Which makes me think that Abbi and Ilana handled their meeting with her pretty demurely in retrospect. Some fine salutes, and putting their heads on her chest, completely standard I'd say. It's just showing Ms. Clinton the up-most respect, just like Abbi's lower back Oprah tattoo. A sign of respect.
6 Drunk Alter-Egos
When you get a little wastey a completely different side of you emerges that you had no idea even existed. Likely because you were blackout and your friends had to tell you about it the next day. Mine is named Linda. Linda is a hot mess trainwreck who I would not associate with in my daily life. But in the bar, oh Linda is the tits. Shots for everybody, another round thanks, lets dance like complete idiots in front of that guy who is clearly recording us. "Yes! Yes lets do that all night!", Linda would shriek. At least Abbi's drunk self is a classy old-timey broad. Why, she lights up a room with that smile, charms the old men with her "hot diggity dogs". Yes she may swallow the occasional nose ring, but that's just our Val.
5 The Wisdom Teeth Drug-Out
If you have had surgery of any kind, you know how crazy it is to come out from the anesthesia. There aren't a million Youtube videos featuring this for nothing. Crazy nonsense is spewed, eyes are unfocused, you just are a deeply unbalanced person for those hours following your procedure. But now amplify that with Ilana's famous "Streganona" pot milkshake coupled with prescription pain killers. Well, my friend that is a recipe for an arrest warrant and apparently a hefty credit card bill courtesy of Whole Foods. But it really wasn't Abbi's fault when you think about it. It was all that no good Bingo Bronson. Why, if that tiny stuffed animal hadn't become a ten foot tall creature running around the streets of New York, Abbi would have been fine. It's not like she was hallucinating or anything.
4 The Desperate Crazies That Settle In During A Heat Wave
It seems insane during colder months that we had dared spoken ill of the oppressive heat we were experiencing way back in August. But just think back to last Summer. Your body is constantly sticky from sweating, your hair is a constant ball of frizz, and don't forget the infinite odors you come across just in your morning commute to work. It really does make sense how nuts we all go in the middle of a heat wave. I didn't judge when Ilana and Abbi stole that A/C from those university kids dorm room, and I most certainly didn't judge Abbi's gentleman caller for using paper towel to clear up his swamp ass. The Summer is the Hunger Games, one must do what one must in order to survive.
3 The Inability To Take A Good Picture – Like Ever
I cannot relate to these Instagram goddesses whatsoever. With their effortless style and their perfectly coiffed hair, I mean they can't take a bad picture if they tried. And usually all they're doing is posing in a bathroom stall or some bullshit and they look like they are about to be offered a million dollar modeling contract. I can put on my makeup for hours, choose a fairly cute outfit, do my best "smize" but when I see the outcome of that picture, I look like I went on a serial killing rampage while eating the contents on all my victim's fridges. Basically I would kill to look as good as Abbi did wrenching her neck and spewing out her lunch. That would have been my glamour shot.
2 What It Is Being A Girl In A Bathroom
This season three opening montage had to be my favourite scene ever from the whole series. It perfectly nails what it is to be a woman in the privacy of her own bathroom. It's not just for number ones and twos, you know, it is the ultimate space for all manner of things. Doing you going out makeup often ends up as a killer dance party with you and your bestie busting out moves to only the best '90s/early 2000's hits. It's where we women go to be completely alone and gross in our own unique ways with no one there to cast judgement upon us. Plucking hairs, popping pimples, possibly falling asleep on the toilet, it is where we can let our gross flag fly high and proud. That is the bathroom, aka the best room in the whole damn house.
1 Handling Street Harassment Like A Boss
If you are a woman you know how goddamn annoying this fact of life is. No we really don't want your weirdo stranger opinion on our bodies or the clothing we put on them. We are not on the street for your amusement. And this may come as a shock to some people, I know, but what we are actually there for – if you can believe it – is to get somewhere. Woah. I know I just blew some damn minds there. So how do our New York goddesses handle this daily annoyance? Well, they school some small children in basketball. Just embarrass the absolute hell out of them. Flawless. Or when some rando man tells them that they're so pretty they should smile, they give him the best in unison middle finger hello I have ever had the good fortune to see. I will steal that move, I will use it, and I will walk on like the untouchable Kween I am.