Ezra Koenig can do it all. The famous lead singer of indie band sensation, Vampire Weekend, is also a Twitter savant, amassing over 556,000 followers on the social media site. One can't be blamed for thinking the followers are simply following him because they enjoy his music and/or they want updates on his career, but there is more to this story. Ezra Koenig is an elite tweeter. He has had countless articles written about his Twitter-ways, how he can connect with the younger crowd while not alienating his older fans, or how he can dabble in real comedy despite being a musician at heart. His tweets are often filled with intentional typos and confusing mixed messages, like the parody accounts are, but Ezra Koenig's Twitter is real and it's beautiful.
It was a tremendously difficult task to narrow down Koenig's tweets to only the 15 best. Koenig touches on all topics, be it Twitter itself, sports, music, politics, and more. Every once in a while he will launch into a serious topic to remind you he can do so, but for the most part, he is a jokester who can make even the stone-faced laugh out loud. He interacts with his followers, and often tweets hilarious thoughts and jokes that you can't help but crack up at. He's one of the best tweeters, so we are happy to bring you the 15 best tweets from Ezra Koenig thus far.
15 Midnight Blues
as if my goth cred wasn't already on thin ice, I have just learned that 2 beloved black articles of clothing are actually "midnight blue"— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) August 27, 2014
Ezra Koenig is often considered a very Tumblr-esque character—despite being a very real musician. Of course, Koenig is not helping his own cause when he tweets things like, "As if my goth cred wasn't already on thin ice, I have just learned that two beloved black articles of clothing are actually 'midnight blue.'" It should not be a serious concern in reality, but this is Ezra Koenig and his Twitter account, so it's a very big deal! Koenig is greatly concerned about his goth cred, as he does not want to lose credibility in the goth world he has entrenched himself in. Having midnight blue clothing instead of black is a big slight against his credibility, and Ezra let the world know about it!
14 Ezra Speaks Spanish
do high school foreign language textbooks have sections on texting yet? u won't make any friends abroad if u text like an abuela— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) March 29, 2014
A very positive trait of Koenig's is his dedication to being a good texter. As you will see throughout this list, Koenig is often looking to send the best texts in the most ideal way, making things better for the people he texts and making himself look better as well. This time, Koenig wonders aloud if students are getting the best education, but not for typical reasons. "Do high school foreign language textbooks have sections on texting yet? You won't make any friends abroad if you text like an abuela." That's Ezra Koenig for ya, always looking out for others. If you're out studying abroad and can't text in Spanish yet, what are you going to do? It's a great question raised by a great tweeter.
13 Ezra Needs Help
is it generally spelled "sexcellent" or "sexellent"? Need 2 know ASAP! working on an important text— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) October 18, 2010
Ezra may be an amazing tweeter, but he also can use some help texting sometimes. As shown in the last tweet, Ezra takes texting very seriously. With that, when he was working on an "important text," Ezra asked his loyal followers how to spell an important word: "Is it generally spelled 'sexcellent' or 'sexellent'? Need to know ASAP!" While we now wonder the same thing Ezra wondered, we more so want to know what Ezra was sending and to whom. We can only imagine the text that he was sending, and it's a fun thing to try to figure it out! We hope Ezra's followers gave him the answer he was looking for, as it looks like a funny and important text was in the works.
12 Ezra's Decision Making
don't make decisions late at night (ur tired) or in the morning (ur high on coffee) or the afternoon (ur tired) or the evening (dinner time)— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) May 31, 2013
Not all advice Ezra Koenig gives is actually that helpful. As you can see here, he is trying to help, but it doesn't quite work out that way. See, Ezra says we shouldn't make decisions at night, in the morning, in the afternoon, or in the evening for separate reasons. The reasons are all sound, but we are left with zero times that we can actually make decisions! We find this intentional of Ezra, which makes it hilarious, but also puts us in a tough spot because his advice is terrible! How are we able to get anything done? He would probably have an amazing tweet to type up if he saw that we called his Twitter advice "terrible." Still, we can't make a decision because of what he said in this tweet! Uhoh.
11 Ezra On Going Back To School
back 2 school advice: DUNK DURING UR FIRST GYM CLASS. IT WILL BE HARD & U MAY HAVE 2 JUMP HIGHER THAN EVER B4 BUT THE RESPECT WILL BE HUGE— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) August 17, 2012
One must wonder what Ezra Koenig's schooling history was like, as he is very passionate in giving advice to people who are going back to school. Ezra's tweet is in all caps this time, so you know he means business. The Vampire Weekend frontman writes: "Back to school advice: DUNK DURING YOUR FIRST GYM CLASS. IT WILL BE HARD & YOU MAY HAVE TO JUMP HIGHER THAN EVER BEFORE, BUT THE RESPECT WILL BE HUGE." Again, we question the validity of his advice considering none of us can dunk on a hoop (even in high school or middle school), but we appreciate what he's going for here. He wants people to succeed and gain respect, even if his methods of doing so are not quite so practical!
10 Ezra On Ordering Wine
I pretend 2 look at the wine list rly hard and then just order the second cheapest one. U can apply this technique to anything— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) August 19, 2013
In another tweet that makes the Vampire Weekend lead singer seem just like us regular, non-famous people, Ezra Koenig explains what he does when he is given a wine list. Wine lists are awfully fancy and it's tough to decide what to get when you are expected to know what they all mean but don't. We suppose Koenig gets this, as he tweets "I pretend to look at the wine list really hard and then just order the second cheapest one. You can apply this technique to anything." Our favorite part is his acknowledgement that this works for just about anything, because it's actually true! If you look hard enough, it looks like you know what you're doing and you are just thinking really hard about your decision. Good advice this time!
9 Ezra On Cohens
ideally, one should hover around Sacha Baron Cohen level on the Cohen Scale— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) September 22, 2013
Okay so he's getting personal for a second, but this one is my absolute favorite. I swear I am not biased at all, but....okay, I am biased. As a Cohen, this tweet has made me think plenty over the years. Where do I stand on the Cohen scale? Am I where Ezra would like me to be, or am I lower or higher on the scale? Ezra explains: "Ideally, one should hover around Sacha Baron Cohen level on the Cohen Scale." The idea of a "Cohen scale" is comical and amazing, and all I want to know is where Ezra would put me on such a scale. Is Sacha Baron Cohen the top of the scale? Or is he where you'd like to be, as in just in the middle? So many questions for Ezra.
8 Ezra Doesn't Get A Text Back
Italian Ice - when a bambina stops responding to ur texts— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) September 18, 2013
You would think after all of the advice Ezra Koenig has given us over the years about texting that he would always get texts back, but this tweet tells us that there is likely a different truth happening. Ezra writes: "Italian Ice - when a bambina stops responding to youur texts." While the nickname for when an Italian girl stops responding to your texts is amazing and well thought out, we can't help but wonder whether or not this came from experience. Did an Italian girl stop responding to Ezra? Is he okay? Regardless, we are somewhat disappointed that the term "Italian Ice" has not caught on more in pop culture, as it is truly wonderful. See what we mean about Ezra being an amazing tweeter?
7 Ezra Stands Up To Brandon Wardell
@BRANDONWARDELL u just shamed sex workers, dogs, tech innovators and ur sugar daddy in one tweet. I'm calling ur parents— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) April 10, 2016
Brandon Wardell is a young, yet incredibly popular, famous tweeter. Ezra Koenig must have taken notice to Brandon's rise in fame, as he replied to one of his tweets. Yet, Ezra wasn't happy as Brandon called him a "hoe" in his tweet. Ezra quickly put a stop to the name calling, saying: "You just shamed sex workers, dogs, tech innovators, and your sugar daddy in one tweet. I'm calling your parents." The misspellings make the tweet, as Ezra is practically speaking down to the level of a teenager. "I'm calling your parents" is an amazing line for a musician to use on Twitter to a teenage funnyman. It just shows how serious and funny Ezra can manage to be in the same sentence. Which is a trait we admire.
6 Ezra Gets Angry
@Tortullini if that stands for what urban dictionary seems to imply it stands for...u r in such trouble— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) February 19, 2014
Of course that was not the only time Ezra Koenig replied to someone who used terminology he did not enjoy directed at him. Ezra has joked plenty of times on Twitter about not understanding lingo or acronyms, but this time was the absolute best. When a tweeter tweeted at Ezra to "stfu," Ezra replied with the killer line: "If that stands for what Urban Dictionary seems to imply it stands for...you are in such trouble." We know that Ezra really knows what "stfu" means, but we like to picture him Googling it, finding Urban Dictionary, finding the definition, and staring off in awe. Imagine the look on his face when he realizes that's what he's been told to do! It's what makes the tweet, and Ezra sure is funny for it.
5 Ezra's Frankensquad
be careful when u meet a new squad - it may just be a bunch of ppl who were kicked out of other squads & formed a dangerous frankensquad— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) September 3, 2014
Sometimes Ezra Koenig's advice gets so weird - that it wraps around to being normal for him. We mean to say that he is so, so strange on Twitter, that strange has become the new normal. Look at this tweet and tell us that you don't think it's super weird, but super fitting for Ezra Koenig! "Be careful when you meet a new squad - it may just be a bunch of people who were kicked out of other squads & formed a dangerous frankensquad." Of COURSE Ezra is concerned about meeting a new squad, as it fits in with his hip-youngster image like the rest of you. His advice is strange, yet sound, once again; and we're laughing hysterically at the word "frankensquad." Who comes up with this stuff?
4 Ezra Gets Deep
yesterday was April Fools Day. couldn't trust nothing/nobody. the world was full of lies and deceit. Today - what's different?— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) April 2, 2013
Not all of Ezra Koenig's tweets are silly and zany, though this one could be taken in multiple ways. On the one hand, he likely meant it as a clever joke that would make us think and laugh at the same time. On the other hand, it's a deep thought of sorts. Sort of like a shower thought that any of us could have. Ezra asks, "Yesterday was April Fools Day. Couldn't trust nothing/nobody. The world was full of lies and deceit. Today - what's different?" Yikes! Ezra must have been having a bad April 2nd, as the tweet is so upsetting. But that's partially what makes it so funny, as it is so different than his usual brand of humor, and it's such an interesting thought process as well!
3 Ezra's Lateness Scale
7 min or less - ur not late, 7-10 "sorry", 10-20 "SO sorry!", 20-30 "I am truly ashamed", over 30 min late - fake ur own death— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) May 8, 2013
Ezra Koenig has a "Cohen" scale (seriously, I'm still not over that! Where am I on it?) but to us, he also seems to have a lateness scale. It's kind of interesting how Ezra ranks the different levels of lateness compared to when we normally show up to events and parties. Ezra explains that if you're "7 minutes or less - your not late, 7-10 'sorry', 10-20 'SO sorry!', 20-30 'I am truly ashamed', over 30 min late - fake ur own death." The "fake your own death" is the killer. (No pun intended.) Ezra's explanations of the different levels of lateness is hilarious and quite honestly, not his worst advice he's given either! We've totally be the late person before and will think of this scale the next time it happens.
2 Ezra Gets Suspicious
it feels good when someone Favorites ur tweet, but they are prob just bookmarking evidence for a legal case they're building against u— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) June 12, 2012
As we said before, Ezra takes Twitter very seriously. As part of that, Ezra has been known to closely monitor his retweets and favorites, and now we think we know why. Ezra has a theory that we cannot confirm or deny, but we definitely can laugh at! "It feels good when someone favorites your tweet, but they are probably just bookmarking evidence for a legal case they're building against you." If this is true, it's very upsetting to think about, but at the same time, it blows our minds! Regardless, we love the thought that Ezra Koenig thinks that people are bookmarking evidence against him by favoriting his tweets. What will the trial be for? Texting mistakes? Showing up too late to a party and faking your own death?
1 Ezra Tries Really Hard At Texting
I don't mind that it took u 2+ hrs to respond to my text...as long as u were in the library researching, drafting & editing said text— Ezra Koenig (@arzE) January 2, 2014
Did we mention that Ezra Koenig really loves to text? We don't think we've ever encountered someone online or offline who tries harder at texting than Ezra Koenig. Seriously, the guy loves his texting, and nothing is more important to him than sending the perfect text. With that in mind, we are left with this: "I don't mind that it took you 2+ hours to respond to my text...as long as you were in the library researching, drafting, & editing said text." Does Ezra Koenig think that people aren't responding to his texts because they are in libraries doing research and drafting and editing? We certainly hope so, as that would be the funniest thought we've gotten to entertain in a long time. We love his ideas about texting and his Twitter in general!