Twitter is the super-popular social media platform where every post is limited to 140 characters or less, so users must be succinct and communicate their brainstorms in just a few words. There are some real characters to be found on Twitter—philosophers, jokesters, riddlers and even presidents—just to name a few—and sometimes their profound, absurd and/or hilarious tweets shine like thought-provoking, memorable and retweetable diamonds through the endless tide of mundane promotional posts and everyday blah updates to keep on scrolling through.
So let’s take a moment to appreciate these 15 dazzling tweets which blow our minds, make us LOL and are a thoughtful cut above the rest—and all require at least a second (and sometimes more!) to wrap our puzzled heads around.
15 Not in a galaxy far, far away...
Imagine shooting Star Wars on location? How many light years would it take to travel to "a galaxy far, far away" for filming? Well, by the time the film crew reached its location, future generations of Princess Leia might be of an age to ascend the throne—and what if they were all wrong for the part? It depends on how “far, far away” we’re talking here.
However, it would be cool to be unaware of such space travel logistics and imagine that Star Wars really was filmed in outer space and, like, alien inhabitants of distant planets were cast as extras. If that’s what your wild imagination believes about Star Wars, then it would indeed be shattering to know that it was filmed right here on planet Earth!
14 How do porcupines do it?
“Bill Nye Tho” is a parody account of popular nerd scientist Bill Nye the Science Guy, with tweets posted by comedy writer Lucas Gardner, whose “Bill Nye Tho” persona is that of a stoner scientist who posts musings and quasi-hallucinatory revelations for his Twitter followers to ponder. He posts thought-provoking gems that ring of scientific truths, such as: “I would tell you how big the universe is but by the time I even finished the sentence it would have already like f*cktupled in size,” and “if I even told you how many stars there are it would f*ck with you so bad.” So how do porcupines get it on? If you haven’t already asked yourself this question, “Bill Nye Tho” will put it into your mind.
13 Undiscovered talents
Sometimes when we’re carrying a bunch of things, we come to realize that we’re not jugglers; or we give an impromptu speech with no preparation—and discover in front of an audience that we suck at improv. Maybe we’ve signed up to bake cupcakes for the office potluck and our watery batter convinces us we can’t bake to save our lives. However, sometimes, we can actually spaz out gracefully. We don’t always have to be bumblers—not in every situation. For example, the next time we slip on ice, we could work that airtime for what it’s worth and bust some midair moves before landing like clumsy oafs on our sorry butts—and discover in that brief and flailing moment that we’re actually kick-*ss break dancers!
12 The soft tacos of the bear world
Sometimes, the bears out there in the woods crave Mexican. They’ve had their fill of sifting through dumpsters and licking the dregs from white takeout boxes or sushi trays that expired two weeks ago. Sometimes, they just want some beans, tortillas and salsa, or a Mexican style feast—maybe just to celebrate Cinco de Mayo in style.
However, there’s only so much available on the take-out menu of the woods and this night, they settle for a soft taco shell camper. Though they’re actually craving the hard crunchy kind of taco shell tonight, they are forced to settle when opportunity arises and they devour that tempting human burrito they find sleeping inside their tent (AKA a “takeout bag”), nestled inside their cozy flannel-lined sleeping bag (AKA their “soft tortilla shell”).
11 @dril cuts up and throws down in his local community center
Don’t you want to be a fly on the wall in @dril’s world? He’s some kind of Andy Kaufman-style performance artist, apparently, who does provocative things and knows that the true show is in the audience’s reaction—not in whatever he’s doing. Ah, all the world’s a stage, right, @dril? And who has more wildly absurd pseudo-meltdowns than this legendary Twitter user? Wouldn’t you like to live in @dril’s town and witness some of his village idiot-style antics in person?
Here he is, having been out and about and making trouble, and tweeting about tearing up some festive Halloween decoration at his local community center like a man taking a stand and throwing it down against… decorative cardboard skeletons. (Probably ones with smiley faces.) Now, don’t be scaring the children in your town, @dril.
10 How the Dean Martin fan community weeds out poseurs
Vampire Weekend’s Ezra Koenig shares with us the litmus test for weeding out poseurs from the Dean Martin fan community in this tweet, which assumes that everyone (everyone!) probably has heard Dean’s most popular song “That’s Amore” by now. And everyone who’s heard the song at least once in their life will probably remember it’s first line because it’s actually a terrible lyric which doesn’t seem relevant to love at all: “When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie/That’s amore”. (Which begs the question: what kind of pizza has Dean Martin been eating all his life? He’s Italian, right?)
Well, if you want to be one of the cool kids in the Dean Martin online fan community, you better know the rest of the damn song!
9 Water bottle chaperone
You have to give it up for Kanye—he takes a lot of flak for his boldness but he’s also a man who takes responsibility for things. He takes responsibility, for example, for accepting awards on behalf of others who did not win said award; he deviates from scripts and throws shade left and right and says whatever it is he’s got to say.
It naturally follows that such a man inclined to take responsibility for many things not necessarily in his charge will take responsibility for his neighbor’s water bottle on a flight if they happen to abandon it temporarily for the loo or whatever and Kanye happens to wake up next to it. It’s nice to know that if Kanye’s your seat-neighbor on an airplane, he’s a take-charge-of-your-water-bottle kind of guy while you’re away.
8 Personal space
Motherhood is some kind of strange cosmic karma when you really think about it—beautifully illustrated by this tweet. That growing fetus which you carry in your belly for nine months which blossoms into your child invades your inner personal space for three-whole-quarters of a year as they grow from seedling to baby bean while pushing on your bodily organs as they get bigger so you have to pee more; they punch, kick and roll over inside of you when you’re trying to sleep like they’re gonna be restless sleepers themselves once they’re born. Then, after their arrival, they invade your personal space for years, won’t tidy up their damn rooms and claim that you’re invading their personal space. Gah! Sometimes, it feels like the “empty nest syndrome” won’t come soon enough!
7 My carbon footprint's smaller than yours
Why do people feel compelled to announce their organic and gluten-free status to the world? Jenny Johnson is right: when someone decides to pursue an organic, gluten-free lifestyle, there seems to be an unwritten rule that they must announce this frequently and repeatedly to remind the rest of us lowly inorganic gluten eaters that we’re being slowly poisoned by our pesticide-laden food. Great! So what if our bowels aren’t as healthy, our carbon footprints are larger and we subsist on the same pasty wheat flour papier-mâché artists make glue from? So what if, on a daily basis, we’re digesting deadly white flour and poison apples? (P.S. You organic and gluten-free types may be healthier than the rest of us but you’re also the most annoying guests at potlucks!)
6 No spoilers, please!
Haha. We have to assume her husband survived this episode and probably even read his wife’s tweet. We bet they had a laugh together and she told him she meant it tongue-in-cheek of course! It raises many questions, though. Questions like: what were they watching? What did the strange noise turn out to be? How long did she wait before finally un-pausing? What did she do while their screen was frozen and she waited for him to come back? Stare into space? Check her phone? Pick her nails? What scene was on when they paused? Did she watch on and rewind when he returned?
Possibly this question came to hubby’s mind after he read his wife's tweet: “How long would she have waited before coming to find me?”
5 Parents nowadays
Ah, the good old days before the advent of d*ck pics! As children we played outside, we breathed fresh air, we swam, ran and biked for hours; our skin was perpetually tanned; we smelled like dirt and the outdoors. We were told never to talk to strangers, accept candy from anyone and to watch out for creepy men in raincoats or who drove vans.
And when our parents gave us our first Brownie box camera or Polaroid, we planned to take pictures of innocent times and of family, friends, birthday parties, sleepovers or when we saw freaky things while out on our bike rides, like old abandoned barns. Our parents never told us not to take pictures of our junk—because it never occurred to us to do so!
4 Are we alone in thinking this is actually not a bad idea?
At first this doesn't seem like such a bad idea: wear a ski mask to bed in case there's a home invasion so the intruders think you're one of them. But let's analyze this a little more closely: firstly, while burglars are sometimes really dumb (like the ones you read about who turn themselves in to collect reward money, etc.), it's safe to say that most are not that stupid and are just really desperate and have at least some smarts—probably enough to take a head count of their posse before busting into some stranger's home. Also, who wants to sleep in a ski mask and have a sweaty, itchy face all night on the off-off-off chance that their home will be targeted?
3 You just blew our minds, kid
Don’t you just love being outwitted by a kindergartener? How is it that they’ve only been alive for five years and are already more quick-witted than we are? This kid is on to something! When you’re 5 years old, you should blame ninjas for everything since ninjas can’t be seen, it’s really quite a brilliant evasion. We adults should take note of this and blame ninjas for everything, too. “Who parked your car in the ‘No Parking’ zone, ma’am?” the police officer asks. Your answer? “Ninjas.” “Sir, did you take the wrong order from the drive-thru window—with onion rings?” “No, ninjas took it,” you tell the Burger King guy, wondering if he’ll smell the onions on your breath. Yeah, we think we’ll try the “ninjas, ninjas everywhere” excuse on ourselves for size.
2 "The Millennial Breakfast Club"
“Back in my day when we had detention,” the old man wheezed, “we sat and talked and made friends. We watched each other’s faces and looked into each other’s eyes. We got stoned with Judd Nelson and danced around the school library and snuck around to get our stashes out of our lockers. Those were the days!”
A whole lot of so-called “coming of age” movies Generation X grew up with wouldn’t necessarily be that relatable to the latest generation. Is that sad? Maybe. It signals the end of an era for some for sure. The thing to keep in mind is that people always want to connect with each other and that’s still taking place—just not necessarily always in ways an older generation either recognizes or appreciates.
1 Greetings, Earthlings
When we first read this tweet, we wondered if Tila Tequila was really onto something. Ocean explorers used to fear sailing right off the edge of planet Earth if they went too far—does Tila fear the same when she’s boating?
We want to trust in Tila’s knowledge and say, “fold up your tents, peer-reviewed, widely educated and respected scientists and geologists. Tila Tequila’s Ph.D. mail order dissertation on the flat Earth theory with 'PROOF' will be presented at an upcoming TED talk.” Then we checked the schedule for upcoming TED talks and saw no Tila Tequila listed as speaker.
What this tweet confirms is what we’ve always suspected of Tila ever since she first opened her Twitter account: she comes from a different planet.
sources: www.killthehydra.com, twitter.com