Whether you’re an experienced gym-goer, or a novice who is totally clueless, chances are you've observed that no matter which gym you attend, there are certain types of people who exist everywhere. Don’t believe me? Try it out. Print out this checklist, stick it on a clipboard, and go on a little people-watching scavenger hunt. Sure, you might get kicked out, or even worse, asked if you want a “free fitness evaluation” where you’ll spend 10 minutes getting a free workout and the rest of the day trying to find polite ways to tell the overly bubbly employee “no,” but it’ll at least be entertaining. Give your eyes a nice little workout and read on for a laugh over these 15 types of people you’ll find at the gym.
15 The Grunter
What are they even doing? You know what, it doesn’t really matter. Regardless of whether they’re dead-lifting 300 pound weights or bending over to pick up a pen, these people are vocal AF in the most awkward way. The worst part is, they’re not ashamed of it whatsoever. Watching the grunter work out is like a train wreck; it’s embarrassing as all hell, even as an onlooker, but you can’t avert your eyes no matter how hard you try. I’m convinced some of these people do it for attention, an overly-aggressive show of dominance. I don’t care what you’re doing, or where you are in this gym, but I will command your attention over my labored grunting and groaning. Somebody get that guy a green juice so he can calm the f*ck down, for real.
14 The Sweater (Who Doesn’t Wipe Down The Equipment)
Oh. My. Lawd. This person is probably the worst type of all 15 you’ll spot at the gym. It’s like their sweat glands are working on overdrive. They’ll spend five minutes on the stationary bike (while you sneer and choke down vomit while they proceed to drench their clothes, workout equipment, socks, shoes, and the floor in sweat). As if that’s not enough, THEY DON’T EVEN CLEAN IT UP. Come on, buddy, no one, I repeat, no one wants to be tasked with cleaning up someone else’s bodily fluids. If I had to do it, I’d be cleaning up my own puke as well, because that’s seriously disgusting. Next time, arm yourself with a full-body sweat band and spare the rest of us from your extreme sweating.
13 The Fashionista
Ah, yes. The fashionista. You can tell she spends far too much time on Kate Hudson’s Fabletics website; paying money out the va-jay-jay for over priced athletic wear just because it’s cute and has sexy see-through panels. Because looking sexy should be your main focus while going to the gym, right? It's not for the health benefits or anything... These ladies parade around with their strappy sports bras and matching, patterned leggings that dip down in a v towards their crotch and booty crack. And those poor grunters, they just can’t help themselves. Fashionistas will work out just enough to get that post-workout glow going on, and then they’ll hold a photoshoot in front of the wall of full-length mirrors with their smartphones, snapping hundreds of mirror selfies while they serve the gym peace signs, duck lips, and an arsenal of pretentious poses.
12 The Yogi
These impeccably toned goddesses. You can’t help but be super envious of them even while you’re mocking them in your head. There's no doubt that yoga and pilates are great workouts, but some of us can’t even touch our toes. Meanwhile, these immaculate specimens are turning themselves into sexy little pretzels. I can’t freaking compete with that! They always have the cutest workout gear, but their tight little numbers make sense for them, since they’re downward-dogging and balancing their entire bodies on their pinky fingers, so you can’t even be upset. I fully admit, though, that I wish I were a yogi, but I was dealt with a whole lot of clumsiness and non-flexible body parts. Dammit. Mats off to these lean, elegant-looking broads. (See what I did there?)
11 The Gym Addict
These people need to settle down. Seriously. It’s to the point where sometimes you’re scared for their health. Unfortunately, though, some people have body issues. The mirror tells them lies; that they’re fat and ugly, so they over-do it at the gym even though you can see how frail and exhausted they are.
Aside from the body conscious gym goer, there is also another type of gym addict. They just really, really, really love the gym. They’re there seemingly from open to close, doing crazy workouts you’ve never even seen. They come with binders full of various workouts, they chart miscellaneous stats and carry around giant jugs of water. It’s pretty impressive really, but it also makes you feel like a total under-achiever. You try to make little competitions with them in your head that they’re unaware of. You start running the same time they do to see how long you can last — then about 30 minutes in, you’re huffing and puffing while they’ve barely broken a sweat.
10 The Gossipers
Oy. The gossipers. I say gossipers because there’s usually two of them, usually moms, who utilize their gym time as social hour after they’ve dropped their kids off at school (guilty), or a couple of chatty teenagers. They’ll post up on some type of cardio machine (typically the treadmill — where they only ever briskly walk, the StairMaster, or the elliptical). They are completely oblivious to everything and everyone around them as they continue to talk their faces off for the entirety of their workout and laugh way too loudly — usually with a lot of animated hand gestures. But, hey, as annoying as it can be to watch, they’re not doing anybody any harm, and they’re killing two birds with one stone. More power to ya.
9 The ogler
What a creep. Just look at Dwight from The Office on that machine and you'll recognize a lot of oglers at your gym. They usually take a seat at one of the machines, where they have a clear view of their victim, and slowly workout while they ogle the sh*t out of some poor person. Wherever that person goes, they find a way to be in the same area. They’ll take frequent strolls to the water fountain just so they can walk past and get a closer look at their eye candy (who normally looks like a deer in the headlights while they try as hard as they can to avoid eye contact). Or they do the opposite and clearly let the person know that they're creeping them out. Even weirder is when they watch you through a mirror. You can’t help it, every time you look up, you happen to catch their eyes in the mirror, looking at you looking at them.
8 The Zumba Chick
Holy unnecessary strappy straps. Zumba goers are full of fun, zesty attitude that can be exhausting if we’re truly being honest. You can hear and see them from a mile away, with their neon colors and weird baggy pants full of toggles and, like I just said, straps (or those shiny wrap things that belly dancers wear). It’s all in good fun, their outfits are meant to look snazzy while they let out enthusiastic hollers and twerk like it’s Saturday night at the club and they’re three shots deep.
Don't get me wrong, Zumba is one of my favorite workouts. I don’t go all out like some people do, but their energy is infectious. It’s a fun atmosphere that keeps you going, but Zumba chicks are by far some of the easiest to identify. Maybe it's because of the shirts with the word “Zumba” plastered across the chest.
7 The A-Hole
Ugh. This person. Or these people. They have such a blatant disregard for other people that it’s truly rage-inducing. They’ll get on a workout machine and then drape all of their crap over the rails of the machine right next to them. Because it’s not like anyone else exists or wants to use that machine or anything... So you get on the machine anyway, thinking they’ll get the hint, only they don’t. So you have to put your sassy pants on and spend the rest of your workout getting aggressively side-eyed. Sometimes there’s more than one of these gems, and they’ll stay on one workout machine while they just talk — even though the gym is packed and they can see that others are needing to use the same equipment. It’s never their fault, though, and everyone else is a jackass.
6 The Douche
Reeking of Axe spray and desperation, the douche is the reason so many of us loathe the thought of going to the gym. They’re the jocks from high school who got rejected from college sports teams, and now they’re all grown up and feel like the world owes them something. They wear those cut-off t-shirts with the super low sides so you’re forced to look at their epically bushy armpit hairs and weird nipples. We didn’t ask for this. They look at everyone like they’re a piece of meat, walk around like they own the place, and try too hard to be funny with the gym’s staff. They’re a diabolical mix of the ogler, the A-hole, the lounger, and the athlete; the result of which is a person you want to stay far, far away from.
5 The CrossFitters
CrossFitters are super intimidating with all of their cliquey anti-machine workout splendor and crazy strong-man-type competitions. And they always seem to run in packs. You can’t help but look on from your pathetic little stationary bike as they sweat bullets, waving gigantic ropes, and dead lifting crazy weights with giant leather belts strapped around their abdomens. Their buffness and stamina makes you feel extremely inadequate. But, then again, you get the luxury of getting to watch…whatever the dude hogging the remote wants to watch. You think to yourself, maybe I could try CrossFit? Until you realize that, like vegans, people who do CrossFit only ever talk about CrossFit. And let’s be honest here, we get exhausted watching 20 seconds of CrossFit. There’s no way we could hang with those guys.
4 The Athlete
Ah, yes, the athlete. This person means business. They carry around milk jugs of water with them at all times of day. One side of each jug is a Sharpie marking to remind them how much they should drink by which time. WTH? The athlete is never NOT in some sort of legit workout clothes. You know, the ones you can tell they honestly workout in. And, they even work at a workout-related place, whether it’s a GNC or a gym, because if this person isn’t sweating, their life is meaningless. Being active is their life, and they try to motivate everyone around them to make healthier lifestyle choices. The annoying part is that they’re right, but no one usually wants to hear it. That doesn’t mean they stop, though. Their Facebook status updates are all about how amazing they feel, pictures of their healthy meals and snacks, and how awesome their new workout routine is.
3 The Lounger
What is that person doing? Do they work here? Did they just get done working out? No, they don’t look red or sweaty, are they about to work out? An hour seems like a long time for a warm-up. The purpose of a lounger is to pass the time in a way that seems productive. Maybe they workout (but usually they don’t). They walk from room to room, buy overly-priced green smoothies from the posh smoothie bar, and maybe hit up the steam room or sauna if they feel like it. It’s a better hobby than sitting on your couch at home, I guess, but being a weird wallflower would get old quick. You’d think. Yet, lo and behold, the lounger is there every time you walk into your preferred fitness facility, chatting up the staff members and moseying about without a care in the world.
2 The Aggressive Four Wall Paddle-Baller
Most fitness facilities have them. Those weird, white rooms with a glass door and, like, 10 sweaty, grown ass men dressed in all white, smacking the sh*t out of a tiny rubber ball against one of the walls. They all look pissed and overly concerned. Welcome to four wall paddle ball, everyone! No, not the one where the ball is tied to a string on a paddle, the one where you attempt to swat at the world’s bounciest bounce ball to ever be created, only to be filled with immense rage as it whizzes past your head because you weren’t quick enough, or pings you hard in the tit. Who created this sport, and why did they hate everyone? If you’ve never played this game before, it’s an experience you’ll never forget. I would not recommend it for people with anger issues because it will fill your soul with the feeling of incompetence and frustration.
1 The Older Man Who Wears Short-Shorts
I’ll admit, older short-shorts guy is one of my favorites to spot at the gym because he obviously had a great time back in his day and is very hesitant to let go of the past...and his short shorts. You can rip them off of his tan, hairy legs when he’s dead! Older short-shorts guy struts around, completely oblivious to the fact that his sack now dangles at least four inches lower than they once did, or maybe he doesn’t care. Either way, you now have the pleasure of watching his meaty tetherball gently pat against his inner thigh as he walks. You wonder how he doesn’t feel all of this going on, and doesn’t take notice of everyone’s horrified stares or mothers holding their hands over their innocent child’s eyes. Maybe it’s part of his swagger. Maybe he was a little misguided when he heard the phrase, “Wave ‘em like you just don’t care.” We're not quite sure.