Do you believe in aliens? We figure there must be aliens. Maybe not the neon green, big-headed, bug-eyed monsters we humans have dreamed up, but there must be some sort of life in outer space. It's too vast, too unknown for there to be nothing. Anyway, assuming that aliens do exist, why do you think they haven't tried to make contact with Earth by now? Is it because they don't have the technology to get here? Is it because they're allergic to gravity? What's the deal?
We figure the reason the aliens haven't invaded by now is because every time they look through their telescope and spy on Earth, they see one of these 15 people who give humanity a bad name, and they say to themselves, "Invade Earth? Nah. We're good."
15 28 years of lies
Lying isn't cool, kids. You remember what happened to the boy who cried wolf, right? He lied and he lied, and eventually, people didn't take him seriously anymore, so when he tried to tell them the truth, they didn't believe him. Don't be like that idiot kid. Don't lie. It's not nice. And lying is, like, 10 times more awful when the lie you're telling is that you have a handicap. Way to be the worst person ever, you gigantic butt wipe.
We're kind of torn, because we can understand not wanting to talk to every person that comes around (being the introverts that we are), but you can't just pretend to be blind to avoid human contact. If you want to be a hermit, go be a hermit. But don't be rude, mmmkay?
14 You just ruined two perfectly good Pop-Tarts
Here's a recipe from our Humanity is Doomed cookbook:
"Pop-Tarts and American Cheese Slices
Take one package of Pop-Tarts (any flavor will do), and unwrap them. Set them on a paper plate, frosted side up. It must be a paper plate, too, because this meal is too trashy to be made on fine china. Now, take two American cheese slices, unwrap them and place them on top of the Pop Tarts. Put the plate in the microwave, and set it for 30-second intervals, making sure to check it after each set of 30 seconds until the cheese has melted. Next, you have two options. You can either eat your horror Pop-Tarts, then wait to vomit or you can go to the bathroom and place them straight in the toilet, and skip the vomiting step altogether. Enjoy!"
13 Don't drink and balance beam
What dream world was this moron living in that he thought he could stand on that ball and roll it all the way across that balance beam? What does he think he is? A bear in a circus? Steve, you're not athletic, you're not talented and you have zero coordination. What made you think this was going to work, buddy?
We were going to blame alcohol, but let's be real here, alcohol didn't do this. Alcohol might make you think you can dance, and it might make that guy across the bar look way more attractive than he did when you were sober, but alcohol would never stoop to such a low level as this. No, this was Steve's fault, plain and simple. He's not drunk. He's just a moron.
12 A new kind of criminal
Well. There's a headline we never in a million years thought we would read. "Texas Butthole Tickling Bandit"? What in the name of Sam Scratch is going on down in Texas?! It looks like there are some real loony bin rejects in the Lone Star State. We love you, Texas. But we're going to postpone our visit until you're sure you've rounded up all of the butthole tickling hooligans, if that's alright with you.
And we thought we gave humanity a bad name when we tried to pull a door open, when the sign on it clearly said "Push." We were so naive back then. So innocent. The next time we're feeling down, we're just going to remind ourselves that at least we're not as perverted as this stupid, stupid man.
11 This really bugs us
We're not amateurs. We know that when you log onto the internet, you have to brace yourself for horrors beyond measure. But no one should have to look at this manicure nightmare. It's too awful.
We'd rather eat those nasty cheese covered Pop-Tarts for the rest of our lives than get a bug manicure. Call us crazy, but painting dead mosquito hawks onto your fingernails just grosses us out. Look, we were willing to play along with the jeggings trend, and we were cool with the ombré hair trend, too, but dead bug fingernails is where we draw the line. This fail has us wishing the aliens would invade, just so we could convince them to take us with them back to their planet, and so we wouldn't have to deal with this nonsense anymore.
10 Who could have predicted that this plan would fail?
We're not physicists or anything, but we think it was obvious from the time these two goons set that TV on the other end of their makeshift teeter-totter that their plan was majorly flawed. And what about those two morons standing on the third floor balcony? Did they really think they were going to be able to catch a fifty pound television out of the air like it was nothin'? Come on, people! Use your brains! Oh, that's right. You don't have any. Sorry, we forgot.
Can we get some help for these people? Not financial aid or a replacement TV or anything, but, like, some private tutoring, or something? Can we get some flashcards and textbooks so these four idiots can become not idiots? Because this is just sad.
9 Come to Redbox (clothing optional)!
So this is why the aliens haven't invaded? Because this woman went to the Redbox to rent a movie wearing nothing but a bed sheet? Oh, no fair! We wanted to go with the aliens and travel through outer space, but it looks like that's never going to happen now, because of this snazzily dressed fashion guru. Thanks a lot, Karen. We hope The Wicker Man was worth keeping us from being abducted by aliens.
Oh, how we wish we didn't live in a world where you have to tell grown ass adults to put some freaking clothes on before they go out in public. We bet this sort of thing never happens on Mars—not that we'll ever know, since the aliens aren't coming to rescue us from this forsaken planet.
8 Someone spent 10 minutes chopping an onion just so they could do this
The internet takes the cake when it comes to being full of humankind's worst offenses. But school is right up there, too. We drop our jaws at the idiocy of the people we see online, but that level of disbelief that we get pales in comparison to the dumbfounded awe we felt upon witnessing the ignorance of adolescents back when we were in junior high.
The visions of what we witnessed in school still haunt our nightmares, and we highly doubt that this poor person will be spared from a similar fate. When you see a thing like this, it's so horrible, so unnerving that it burns its image into your psyche so that you never forget it. There is no escaping from this red onion in a toilet. There is no hope at all.
7 Karate disaster
We're willing to gloss over the fact that someone is being an incredibly stupid doofus, so long as their incredibly stupid doofus antics also happen to be funny. Now, this doesn't happen very often. Usually, when people are being dumb and we're inclined to point and laugh at them, it's less of a "you're so funny" laugh, and more of a "we legit cannot believe someone as stupid as you exists" kind of laugh. It's a rare occasion when we can laugh at a moron because they're actually being funny, but this is one such case.
We admire this idiot's inadvertent but on point comedic timing. He's got this slapstick thing down to a T. It's too bad silent films aren't a big thing, anymore, because this guy could've been the next Chaplin.
6 There's just no good reason to take public transit
Public transit is legit the worst. Whether it's via subway or plane or trolley or giant cat bus from My Neighbor Totoro, sitting with other people who you don't know is, more often than not, a mentally scarring experience. Frankly, we pray for the sanity of anyone who has to use public transport at any time, and we hope they recover from their hellish journeys very soon. Amen.
If we're going to be forced to sit next to a giant, beefy ogre, it damn well better be Shrek. We did not sign up for this, and we can tell by the look on this half-naked sleeping giant's seat mate's face that he didn't either. Somebody get this guy a refund, or at least a bunch of those tiny bottles of alcohol.
5 New rule: only vegans can eat fruit
Suddenly, the four idiots who thought they could catapult a TV onto the third level of a building all Lord of the Rings: Return of the King style are looking a heck of a lot smarter. In fact, the person who made cheesy Pop-Tarts and the other person who put bugs on their fingernails love this Twitter user, because he diverts attention away from them and onto his own idiotic shenanigans.
First off, vegans don't have a monopoly on Edible Arrangements. Anybody can order one, you don't have to be an herbivore to enjoy them. Secondly, if you want to be a vegan, be a vegan. All you gotta do is stop eating meat and cheese and eggs (AKA good foods), and bippity, boppity, boo, fam. You're a vegan, just like that.
4 Keeping the "dumb blonde" stereotype alive
Some people refuse to believe in gravity. They're like the people who still think the Earth is flat, or the people who think they faked the moon landing—in other words, they're stupid.
Our doctor has us watching this GIF on loop for at least two hours a day. He's hoping that controlled exposure to such a high level of stupidity will render us immune to it. We've told him time and again that it's no use, but he won't listen to us. Indeed, we don't even think he's trying to cure us at all, we think he just secretly enjoys making people suffer, just like the dumb woman in this GIF. But, oh, how we wish we were desensitized to stupid. That would make living in this world so much easier to tolerate.
3 The new Felony Selfie trend
Look, if you want to get a picture of yourself with your friends or your family or a celebrity or your pets, that's fine. But breaking into someone's bathroom? Fam, you've gone too far. Think about what you're doing. You're committing a felony just so you can take a stupid picture. What you really need to do is see a therapist and sort through your personal issues, so you can pinpoint exactly where it all went wrong.
This guy was instantly thwarted when he posted this picture to Facebook, but forgot that he friended his neighbor last year. The neighbor saw the selfie, reported him to the police, and let's just say the other inmates in the county prison aren't impressed with the fact that this guy took home the gold in the Selfie Olympics.
2 We don't understand this generation
What the heck is with people of our generation? They would rather have pictures of stuff, they would rather post these pictures to social media so people who literally don't give AF about it can like them, than they would like to just enjoy life. It makes no sense.
When they're at a concert, instead of listening to their favorite band, they're busy trying to take video on their phones. When they spend time with their friends, they're more concerned with how the squad looks in the selfie than they are with having fun together. And when they order delicious food, they would rather let it get cold while they take pictures of it for Instagram. We feel like grumpy old people right now, because we just don't get these kids today.
1 Floor buffer buffoon
This is Joe. G.I. Joe. G.I. Joe thought that he was invincible. He thought he could do anything. So he was feeling pretty confident when he stepped onto the floor buffer in order to take it for a spin. Indeed, he believed himself to be quite invincible while he spun around and around. Even when he lost all control, he still believed himself to be invincible. Then he hit his head on the mini fridge, and for a while there, he didn't believe in anything because he'd blacked out.
Tragically, G.I. Joe suffered a concussion as a result of his escapade. The good news is, however, that the head injury seems to have knocked the dumb right out of him, and G.I. Joe finally knows better than to do dumb sh*t. Sigh. We love happy endings.