Hey! Glad you're here, you guys! It's so nice to see you. Say, have you lost weight? Looking good, fam. Anyway, we just wanted to talk a little bit. Clear the air regarding some of your fears. Just in case you were worried that there weren't enough opportunities in life for you to make a fool out of yourself, we're here to assuage your concerns. Never fear, friends. You will have plenty of chances to embarrass yourself, and it's all thanks to a sneaky little bastard we call autocorrect.
We've talked about autocorrect a lot, but that's because autocorrect has given us so much to talk about! It's always interfering with our texts, always butting in where it's not wanted, always... well, you'll see when you look at these 15 times autocorrect just wanted to watch the world burn.
15 Mom likes to get personal—TOO personal
Autocorrect: making people come off as perverts since whenever it was invented. We hope you can live with yourself, autocorrect, knowing that you're the reason behind this mother and daughter's recent estrangement. Hope you can sleep well at night in the knowledge that you are the wedge that drives people apart, you nefarious, cold-blooded hellion!
Who knew something so seemingly benign as a word check software could feed so voraciously off of the misfortunes of others? 'Course, we had fair warning. We should have taken all of those dystopian sci-fi flicks about robots taking over the world after trading in their artificial intelligence for real human intelligence, more seriously. This is just like I, Robot, but with autocorrect. No, actually, it's like the B-movie rip off version of I, Robot, with Bill Smith, instead of Will Smith.
14 That's quite the mess
Wow. Meth and crack whores? Somebody's got a lot on their plate. Sheesh. So greedy. You can't be satisfied with one vice, you have to have two? Depraved glutton.
This looks like Cockney rhyming slang, to us. You know, Cockney rhyming slang? The use of silly sounding words and phrases to describe things? For instance, "Uncle Fred and Johnny Rutter" means "bread and butter." And "a nice cup of Rosie Lee" translates to "a nice cup of tea." Perhaps, autocorrect was going through an Anglophile phase when this happened. Maybe it was trying its hand at making its own Cockney phrase, and "meth and crack whores" was all it could think of for "mess of crackers." Look, we never said that it made sense, we just said that's what it looks like happened here.
13 Never store your grandparents in your bra
"I don't want to make your decisions for you, Melanie, but it seems to me that most people keep their grandparents in a retirement community. I mean, it's one thing to want to keep your grandparents close, but don't you think storing a piece of your own grandfather in your own brassiere is a little... creepy? By the way, a piece of your grandpa? What, are you cutting off your grandfather's fingers when he's asleep? That's elder abuse! Your text is just really bad, any way I look at it. I'm praying this is just a huge autocorrect fail, but I'm calling the police, just to be safe. Oh, and I can't wait to see you at Jason and Kelly's barbecue this weekend!"—a voicemail left by Ruth Ann, found on Melanie's phone when it was seized by the authorities.
12 Miss LOL Hahahah Wilson III
"Hannah? WTF kind of stupid name is that? What sort of mother looks at her newborn baby, and is all like, 'this punk ass b*tch looks like a joke, that's why imma name her Hannah. That way, every time she tries to text someone, autocorrect will jump in and change Hannah to Hahahah, and everyone, including me, can laugh at her. LOL! I'm such a genius! I'll take my Best Mom of the Year Award now, thank you.' I mean, come on! Even for me, that seems a little harsh."—autocorrect, circa whenever this text was sent.
Ah, yes. Miss Hahahah. We knew her. Quite the comedian, if we remember correctly. Thought herself very funny, with her "jokes" and her "punchlines" and her "autocorrect fails." Well, who's laughing now, Hahahah?
11 That's a weird thing to ask
"I don't know, Sherry. I mean, I understand that autocorrect screws up texts, but this one seems fishy to me. Like, I get why you might ask me if I like Superman or Batman, and I'm totally cool with having you ask me about my preference. But asking me if I like super manicure and breast milk? That's stepping over the line. That's a deeply personal question. That's like the kind of stuff that someone only asks and/or reveals when they're on level 30 friendship. And you're not. You're on level 11 friendship, and after this little incident? You're actually more like a level 7. Now, I have to go. I have an appointment for a super manicure and breast milk—I-I mean, uh, I have to go run a few errands, yeah, that's it."
10 Bringing forehead back
Amazing times we live in. Absolutely incredible. Just look at all of the impressive technological advancements that we have at our disposal. We've got cars that park themselves. We've got universal remotes that can control the TV, the cable receiver and the sound system. We've got frozen yogurt. And, as if it could possibly get any better, it looks like scientists (with the help of Justin Timberlake) are finally going to be able to bring forehead back.
Just in case you're feeling a little lost right now, apparently "forehead" is now slang for sexy/gorgeous/beautiful etc. That was autocorrect's idea, not ours. The guy who made the accidental text fail in the picture above didn't know what was going on, either. At least he tried to "roll with it." Just call him Mr. Smooth.
9 Every which way but right
Ugh! The Bobbin was one of our favorite books when we were growing up! There was nothing that we loved more than opening up J.R.R. Tolkien's classic about the introverted little Bobbin, Billabong Baggage, and seeing what kind of mischief he, Jamgolf, and Thurgood Orcashelf and company got up to. The ending, though. It was just so... well, we won't spoil it, for you. You'll have to check it out yourself! Just go into any book store and ask them for a copy of The Bobbin.
Autocorrect is the bane of every book lover's existence. You're supposed to help us out, autocorrect. You're supposed to correct our words, not make us look like corn shucking morons! Go sit on the naughty step until we figure out how to punish you.
8 Most uncomfortable car ride ever
Hmm. You know, we don't have a whole lot of expertise in this area, but we think that if you want someone to know about your case of herpes, you probably shouldn't outsource the job. You should tell that individual yourself, in person, rather than delegating the uncomfortable task to a coworker. Also, you should bring them a pie when you tell them. Not for any real reason. Just because. We mean, who doesn't like pie?
It pains us to think about the number of failed relationships that can be attributed to autocorrect. Seriously, autocorrect's hands must be drenched in the blood of its victims. Autocorrect is out to get us all. Just something to think about the next time you're trying to get a hold of your loved ones via text.
7 An "e" goes in there somewhere
This sounds like an after school special. "Remember, kids. If your grandma texts you and asks you to look at her crotch, don't be afraid to tell your parents or another responsible adult." We're willing to give this old lady the benefit of the doubt. Grandmas are pretty much all the same. They're the sweet, food-making, money-giving old ladies that we all know and love. Grandmas look out for us, they don't ask us to look at their junk.
Grandma was actually shooting for "crochet," in this instance, and just forgot that there was an "e" in there somewhere. Or did she? Did she really misspell "crochet"? Or did autocorrect unceremoniously destroy her text in order to make this precious grandmother look like an ass clown? That's a real jerk move, autocorrect.
6 Autocorrect just lit a match
Whoa, man. We knew that autocorrect was just trying to watch the world burn, but gee whiz. We had no idea that it was so hellbent. When autocorrect changed "blond" to "blind," it literally just lit a match and doused the entire world in gasoline. We're waiting for it to flick that little flame onto the trail of accelerant, sending this floating globe of ours into a flaming blaze of hellfire.
While we await our impending doom and beg for mercy before the cruel, sadistic autocorrect, we may as well cut a slice of this blind girl cake. We mean, if we're going to go down, let's go down in a glorious sugar rush, right? Hope you're happy right now, autocorrect, because the world is officially burning, and it's all your fault.
5 Church sounds sexy
Naked pastor, huh? Sounds like fun. Magic Mike meets Catholicism. Righteous (literally)! Count us in. Although, we have to admit, this does seem counter-intuitive. The idea of a naked pastor would undoubtedly lead many churchgoers to lust, and since lust is considered by the Catholic Church to be one of the seven deadly sins...? Well, it just doesn't make a whole lot of sense. Still, have to look at the bright side. The allure of a pastor doing God's work in his birthday suit would be enough to convince anyone to attend mass!
We know what you're thinking. "How could autocorrect mistake 'baked potato' for 'naked pastor'?" And we'd just like to tell you that the reason why you're thinking this is because you have at least half a brain. Congratulations. You're smarter than autocorrect.
4 This chicken's a little gassy
Autocorrect is such a wet blanket. It's like that one friend you have who's endearingly dumb and typically entertaining, but when it comes to dealing with your crush (or any other matter that ought to be met with the utmost seriousness), they do/say something stupid to embarrass you, and you begin to wonder if it would be worth the jail time just so you could strangle them. Autocorrect sucks at auto correcting, but it would probably fit right in as the ignorant comic relief in a sitcom.
Hold the phone. Does "Florentine" mean flatulence? We don't speak Italian, so we don't know. Have we actually been ordering the gassy chicken every time we go to Olive Garden without realizing what we were doing? Oh, gosh. This is so embarrassing.
3 What kind of family is this?
Grandparents are wonderful. They're such a blessing. When you're young, Grandma and Grandpa are there to spoil you to death with presents and sweet treats. They do their best to shield you from the punishments of your Mom and Dad (even if you deserved to be punished). When you're older, Meemaw and Peepop are still there, eager to look after your kids. And, when your grandparents have finally outlived their purpose, you can eat them, throw up their remains and mentally scar your children beyond the point of no return.
Okay, who the hell let the bath salts cannibal guy from Miami design the autocorrect feature? That was a big mistake. Fortunately, in this case, the person responding to the fail text was a master of damage control. Man, this sounds like a really weird family.
2 Ursa Homosexual
Ah, GAYBEAR. This autocorrect fail reminds us of our most favorite constellation: Ursa Homosexual. What makes this bear constellation gay? Maybe it's the way the stars shine a little brighter. Or maybe it's because they're just so damn fabulous! We don't know how NASA can tell that this series of stars is gay AF. But it is interesting to learn that burning orbs of cosmic sh*t have sexual preferences.
Autocorrect, what the actual hell are you doing in this text conversation? What, you're working for zoo now? Are you a mammologist, all of a sudden? You think you're an authority bears and their desires? That is so like you. You know, it's the arrogant way that you flaunt your supposed "bear knowledge" that persuaded us to turn you off on our phone.
1 Lilo and Barrack
Ohana. Obama. *Shrugs, sighs* Okay. We don't like it, we don't want to admit to it, but, yeah. We could see how a text spelling software might confuse those two words. They are spelled very similarly, we'll concede. But don't you dare sit there and try to convince us that "family" and "Gmail" are similar in any way, shape or form. We don't want to hear it.
Prior to making this post, we really liked texting. It's fast and efficient. But now, it's ruined, because autocorrect saw how much we liked texting, and it made it its business to take a steaming sh*t all over it. Thanks ever so much, autocorrect. We sure hope you don't go jump off a cliff into a burning pit and die a fiery death! LOL, love you, autocorrect!