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15 Hilarious First Date Stories That Will Make You Rethink That Valentine's Day Tinder Date

We've all been there. Everyone who has ever dated has at least one first date where they can only step back and question every one of their life choices, trying to figure out where they went wrong so they can never reach the point again. People who have no boundaries, who are actually cheating on their current significant other, who just have absolutely no filter; these people really do make for the world's worst date.

Conversely, this also makes the world's funniest date. With the benefit of hindsight, of course. And the fact that none of us were there ourselves to wallow in the sheer embarrassment that are some of these situations. We have assembled fifteen of the funniest worst first dates ever. Take notes: you don't want to repeat any of these mistakes.

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15  Go, Girl!

via Bored Panda

Pro tip for the guys (and girls, but let's face it, it's mostly guys) reading this: do not comment on a date's weight. Or vocalize where on the one-to-ten scale they're at. Or comment on their appearance in any negative way. You may think this makes us sound vain, and you would be right, because we've been taught from a young age that our appearance is the most important thing about us. And besides, this is just good manners. Imagine if she had said, "If you just had a six-pack, you would be a ten."

Oh, and kudos to this girl for not putting up with this date's BS! Dessert is always fun to eat, but we can only imagine that it tasted extra sweet as she savored her nasty date's indignity.

14 Um, Awkward.

via Bored Panda

This had got to be the most mortifying thing to find out ever. At least they found out now, before it went any further, and managed to avoid an Oldboy or Game of Thrones situation. But it still must be unbelievably awkward after this little revelation. What do you even say to that? "So, even though I'm really turned on right now because of all the kissing, we should probably stop. But I really did enjoy spending time with you, so...movie night?"

Also an important lesson to draw from this: attend family reunions. Because then you get to meet your cousins in the proper context, no kissing required. Although, maybe these two lovebirds should avoid the next couple of reunions. Because, like we said, awkward.

13 Cyber-Stalking: Good or Bad?

via Bored Panda

Okay, yes, this might lead to some awkward spots in conversation every now and then. But let's face it, checking out a potential date online is actually kind of smart in this day and age. For starters, it's an excellent way to avoid accidentally making out with your cousin (see previous tweet). Secondly, you can find out whether or not they've been in jail recently.

Facebook is like a background checker, with memes.

And third, you can find out ahead of time if there are any nasty philosophical surprises waiting for you. Like, if you're this woman, a quick scroll through a date's page is a great way to figure out whether or not he's a raging whatever-ist that you don't need to deal with.

And bonus: you already know the names of his family members for if/when he invites you to family dinner!

12 Why?

via The Chive

We should not have to say this out loud, yet here we go: when you're planning a date, make sure both parties can get to the date's location quickly, comfortably, and in one piece, preferably without risking life and limb balancing precariously over a hole in a car going sixty miles an hour. Seriously, what was this person thinking? There are plenty of perfectly good dating activities that can take place on a stroll, like walking to a nearby cafe or park. If that's not available, then maybe have the person who doesn't have a hole in the passenger side of the car be the driver. You don't even have to go into detail. Just tell them, truthfully, that your car is having some severe issues and it's not safe to drive. And if that's not an option, then it looks like you're keeping the relationship long-distance until you can get the damn car fixed.

11 Crazy Cat Man

via The Chive

We get it, all right? People are attached to their pets. Because pets are awesome. They are honestly people in their own right and sometimes are even preferably to human beings. If a boyfriend or girlfriend forces their significant other to choose between them or their pet, then that BF/GF is the one who has to go. (Unless the reason is allergies, and not because they have no soul and don't care about cute animals. Then, well, good luck navigating that particular circle of Hell.)

But there is a fine line between loving your pet and being absolutely over-the-top obsessed with them, as this person found out.

Bringing them to your place so they can meet your pets and you can see how they react to them, that's weird but doable. Covering literally every surface with pictures of said pets, thereby turning the entire house into a shrine for your furry overlords, that's a bit much.

10 Dude.

via Pinterest

There are so many things wrong with this scene that it's going to a take a minute to digest them all. If he had known that his ex was working at that restaurant, then this was obviously an attempt to prove to her that he's moving on and trying to shove it in her face that backfired spectacularly. Assuming he hadn't known she worked there (which, dude, that's what social media is for), then while this was obviously a bit of a shock, he probably realized that he was not as ready to move on as he'd thought he was. In which case, know when you're ready to move on and date again. 'Cause that's not fair to you, and that's not fair to your poor date who's going to be tweeting about this.

9 Ugh

via The Chive

Wow. There are so many things that could be said to that that it's incredibly difficult to write anything at the moment simply because they're all clogging my frontal lobe, trying to get out all at once.

Despite how much we want it gone, the patriarchy is not going to be smashed overnight.

It's been around for thousands of years, and has a few more decades, if not a few centuries of life left in it before we finally beat it into the ground. So unfortunately, jerks like this guy are here to stay for a while. The good news is, as annoying as it is for us to deal with them, it is getting incredibly hard for them to get a good date. For some reason, women don't like being told that we're a dumb sub-species of human only good for having sex and rearing children. Who knew?

8 Please Obey the Speed Limit of my Relationship Status

via The Chive

That's...uh, moving just a smidgen too fast there. We could sort of, maybe understand if a marriage proposal came out during the first date. After all, it happens in Disney all the time (despite the fact that some of their latter characters--namely Elsa and Kristoff from Frozen--have a lick of sense), and historically people who are engaged often didn't meet until their wedding day.

But marriages can be undone, thanks to the magic of divorce. Children, on the other hand...well, that's very much illegal. There's the nine months of growing the fetus inside you, plus eighteen years of being financially and legally responsible for them, and then college should they choose to go, and then just when you think you're done, they're going to continue ringing you up for advice, or money, or to beg you to watch over their children. That's a big commitment. She's going to need more than just the first date to make that decision, bud.

7 She's Your Date, Not Your Editor

via eBaum's World

All right writers, we speak to you as fellow writers: do not make your date read your work. We'll repeat that for you: do not make your date read your work. It doesn't matter how revolutionary you think your manuscript is, or how much of a bookworm your date is, or even if they're a huge Game of Thrones nut and you're writing a grimdark fantasy novel.

Just don't do it.

Economists don't shove charts and social equations at their date's faces, so don't do the writer equivalent. You're just making it worse for the rest of us by perpetuating the stereotype of a writer constantly pushing their work on other people, because you are a writer constantly pushing their work on other people.

Plus, this person is your date, not your editor. They're probably going to be too polite to mention any mistakes. And if they're not...well, you deserve that.

6 Oops

via eBaum's World

And this is why we keep accurate, up-to-date profile pics on our social media and dating websites. Online dating has become so common, but there are still a few bumps in the road. Namely, you honestly don't know what your date looks like until you actually meet them. They could have a picture of a smoking hot blond, but actually be an overweight, acne-splattered brunette. It's unfortunate, and in some cases it can be downright dangerous, but it's the honest truth.

Here's a tip: next time you meet with a blind date, tell them what you'll be wearing, and make it something easy to spot. A red shirt, a neon-colored baseball cap, a sign around the neck that reads I'm your blind date, you know. Whatever works with the rest of your outfit.

5 Well, That Escalated Quickly.

via eBaum's World

Wait, what? The ridiculing of the earrings and lack of knowledge of 65x65 (which, you're not alone, because I have no idea what that is, either) is enough to warrant a bad first date. But we're pretty sure we heard two counts of attempted murder in that sentence. At what point in his mind did he go from I don't like this girl's earrings to you know what, I'm gonna throw her over a bridge? We sincerely hope you called the cops on this guy.

Also, we looked up 65x65.

Most of the results were just measurements for pillows and cushions, but we're pretty sure this dick of a date was referring to a very short autobiography by Martha Deed. Not that it makes up for the attempted murder thing, but if it was still bugging you, there you go.

4 At least she trusts you, sorta

via The Chive

Ah, nothing like a bit of aiding and abetting to break the ice! Trust is the foundation of every relationship, you see. It's nice (we suppose) that she didn't try to hide such huge parts of her life. Because, think about it, the whole drug dealing and breaking the law thing might not have come out until weeks, months, even years into the relationship. You'd be amazed at the kinds of things partners can hide from each other: illicit substances, crime, secret other families.

So, yeah, it might have been a really bad first date that probably did not get a follow-up performance, but look on the bright side: if she'd decided to be a bit more sneaky about it, this could have been a really bad fifth year anniversary.

3 So Not Fair Treatment

via Pinterest

Some people just date for the money, or they're broke and desperately need someone to cover the bill because they don't get paid until the next day. I admit, I have fallen in the latter category. A couple years ago I dated a guy, and we were both broke. Half the time we couldn't go anywhere because neither of us had money. Other times, we could go out, but only one of us could pay because the other had been living off of ramen noodles for the last week. And that was fine, because we were honest and upfront about it from the start.

This? This is just mean.

I get that women have been demanding fair treatment for the last few decades, but this guy does not grasp what that actually means. Hint: it does not mean mooching off of your blind date.

2 Honesty is (Sometimes) a Valuable Trait

via Pinterest

Well, at least he's honest? Even if he is completely callous. Chivalrous as the gesture is (and most women adore it and get that warm and fuzzy feeling that's associated with finding either a unicorn or a Prince Charming), it's not mandatory. Especially since it's a first date, so a real connection has not yet been established. But he didn't have to say anything! If he just silently kept going, that could be dismissed as being careless. That's not good, but it's nothing too steep. However, by saying this (admittedly kind of funny in a dark, sarcastic manner), he's just being cruel. And stupid, because he missed out on a perfectly good opportunity to wrap his arm around her. You get the best of both worlds: warm her up with body heat and keep the jacket!

1 Why Dental Hygiene is VERY Important

via The Chive

Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ewww! Hasn't this guy ever heard of brushing your teeth? He does realize that, in addition to all the painful and expensive health complications this will cause, nobody is ever, ever going to willingly kiss him.

How do you lose two teeth at dinner?

One tooth, that's (somewhat) understandable. First-graders do it all the time, and even adults who take care of their teeth occasionally bite into something they shouldn't and crack a pearly white. But losing two teeth? How does that even happen? Even if his teeth are in the absolute worst condition, what could they have possibly been eating that would do that? And how did he react? Did he freak out, or did he just shrug and keep eating? We're betting on the latter, simply because it seems like this guy just does not care.

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