Why would anyone pick up a hitchhiker!? It's basically asking the universe to do something terrible to you. It's literally inviting a complete stranger into your personal space. But a "personal space" that's confined and traveling at 60 miles per hour down a wall of cement. You can't escape and you have no idea just how long you'll have to be with them. Even if they're not Hannibal Lecter, you still have to talk to them. And the conversation can be friggin endless. Nevertheless, there are certain hitchhikers that we'd probably be more willing to pick up than others. This list does NOT contain said people. These are the types of individuals, for various reasons, that you'd want to speed past with every ounce of gas you have left in the tank. Without further ado here, are 18 hitchhikers you would absolutely not let into your car.
18 No, A Rousing Rendition Of "Hallelujah" And A Speech About The Benefits Of Veganism Isn't Worth The Same As Gas Money
Hitchhikers do tend to be of a certain ilk. Most of the time, they look like this couple. We wish them well and hope they get where they're going... But we're not picking them up. That's because we don't need to smell excessive B.O. while listening to them sing "Hallelujah" off-key for three and a half hours. Seriously these two are probably really nice... But that doesn't mean they won't annoy the F out of you!
17 Not The Dude You Wanna See After A Few Too Many Eddies
No, we don't want to pick up Gandalf! He's not real. That's a guy dressed as Gandalf. Meaning that he's probably certifiably insane. And after you've had too man eddies, you'll be questioning the nature of your reality while stuck in a car with a man constantly reminding you of the importance of destroying jewelry. Seriously, you definitely want to ignore this hitchhiker.
16 Sorry, Bro, We 're Already Carrying Trojans In Our Wallets
Once again, picking up someone in a costume is a bad idea. Sure, it inspires a boatload of questions: Why are they wearing a costume? How did they get on the side of the road? Are they uncomfortable in that armor? But the answers are never as good as you might hope. In fact, they're usually the type of answers that make you want to call a bunch of men in white coats.
15 Eh, We'd Rather Pick Up Someone From Canada...
Travelers from The States are smart if they wear a flag with a maple leaf on it while in Europe. After all, people around the world take far better to those from Canada. And why wouldn't they? The country has the reputation that they're full of really polite, kind people and maybe a pesky beaver or two. So, we don't care if you're from California or Arkansas, we ain't picking you up unless you change it to "From British Columbia".
14 What Does This Look Like, A Car For Clowns?
Picking up one hitchhiker is incontinence, picking up four is straight-up doom! Seriously, you don't want to cram an entire family of hippies into your car. There's no room for them. But there's certainly no room for all of their sing-a-longs. Seriously, is there anything less appealing than a bunch of off-key singers when you have perfectly good musicians on Sirius XM?
13 Does Somebody Wanna Tell Us What The Heck Happened To Hagrid!?
Once again, there's another guy with a guitar on the road. Does he actually think that playing it is adequate payment for a ride? Has he not heard of a little invention called the radio? Besides, nobody is gonna pick up a guy who looks like Hagrid after a successful round of Jenny Craig and about ten years worth of relentless stress.
12 NO... Just... NO!
Something tells us that this sign's a joke. But even that makes us want to splash gutter water on her as we speed past. Nobody wants to support social media like that anymore. We all understand that it's eating up our lives and creating hilariously unhealthy images for ourselves. But we also know that this woman is probably the type who'd talk about just that for the entirety of the car ride... NO THANKS!
11 But What Kind Of Cookies?
Remember when people woke up and realized that trick-or-treaters shouldn't take homemade goods from strangers? Well, what makes this any different? We don't know where he got those cookies. Even if he bought them, we don't know what he did to them after the fact. And we definitely don't know what kind of cookies these are... They could be THOSE kind of cookies... You know the kind... Oatmeal raisin... YUCK!
10 Maybe this Would Work For Chris Hemsworth But Not For You, Brother
If you're going to use your chest and stomach to try and get a ride from a stranger, you better have an Avengers-level bod. Nobody wants to try and read your sign on a pasty piece of chunk that probably should purchase a trimmer or two. Someone who would exercise this level of poor taste certainly shouldn't be trusted in your car.
9 Sometimes Desperation Is A Major Liability
So, this is hilarious. We can't deny that. But we also know how dangerous this is. And if a hitchhiker is willing to go to this length to get a ride, they're probably not the type of person you want in your space. If you pick them up, chances are you'll be unwittingly thrown into a Fast and the Furious plot but without someone as physically capable as The Rock or Vin Diesel.
8 No Way, Buddy, We're Not Going To Be Responsible For Your Demise
We don't want this weighing on our conscious. Dining a nice thing like giving someone a ride shouldn't result in years of therapy. And that's what would happen if we picked up this snowman and took him to his desired destination. He isn't Olaf from Frozen. He's not going to survive in the Floridian heat. Not to mention, he's not nearly ripped enough to be accepted on the beaches of Fort Lauderdale.
7 Who Wouldn't Want To Pick Up A Guy Who Think's He's The Funniest Thing Since Seinfeld?
This is clearly a joke. As is this guy in general. He thinks he's the funniest thing around, In reality, he's about as cool as you thought your parents were when you were 14. Except this guy's worse... He's wearing a bikini top over his flab on the side of the road. Nothing good ever comes from picking up a guy like this. So, just avoid it at all costs. Believe us, you'll be thankful that you did.
6 In All Fairness, We Sort Of Need One Too...
If a hitchhiker isn't holding a guitar and dressed like a flower child, they're usually like this. You know the type. He's like your conspiracy-theorist cousin who annoys everybody on social media. Only, this guy's worse because he's a stranger, on the side of the road, and has a beard that hasn't been washed since we thought Cosby was "an okay-guy". On the plus side, he'd be okay with stopping for tacos.
5 That's A Chance We're Not Willing To Take...
Hitchhikers should be actively trying to stay away from stereotypes, not drawing attention to them. After all, once that thought enters your mind, there's just no way you're going to want to pick up a guy like this. In fact, you should just avoid hitchhikers altogether because there is a small chance that this stereotype could be accurate. And that's a chance we're not willing to take.
4 Something Tells Us We'll Be Hearing A Lot Of Conspiracy Theories For The Next Five And A Half Hours
The best thing a hitchhiker can do is leave you alone while you drive. But we have a feeling that this dude is the type who wouldn't shut up for the entirety of the ride. He's likely to emphatically tell you how the Earth is flat, how The Beatles never even existed, or that Jay-Z is a time-traveling vampire. You may just want to leave this one on the roadside...
3 Pass Your Grammar Test And We'll Consider It
Don't pick up a kid you don't know. The optics just aren't great on that one. But definitely, don't pick up a kid who clearly got banished from home for continuously failing her grammar tests. We should promote the King's English in a time of "LAWL", "Bae", and "GOAT". We need to do better, people!
2 Or, You Could Not Say Anything And We Wouldn't Know You Had It...
Okay, so we need to ask the obvious question here... How did he get rabies? yeah, yeah, we know we should be asking why he's telling us he had it in the first place. But now that he has, aren't you the least bit curious how he got it in the first place? We think we should pull-over and ask him... From a distance though. He's not getting anywhere near us.
1 Only Steve Irwin Would Pick Up These Hitchhikers
Maybe we wouldn't freak out about a couple of bugs hitching a ride on our car, but we definitely wouldn't be okay with this poisonous snake. Obviously, nobody but the late-great Steve Irwin would willingly pick up a snake hitchhiker. This is why this serpent just decided to hop on. And make no mistake, this image will give us all anxiety every time we turn on our cars from now on.