“Pregnancy is the most wonderful time of your life,” says everyone who isn’t pregnant. What they don’t tell you is that there are a lot of gross and extremely unexpected things that happen during pregnancy and immediately after.
One of the things that I feel should be a must to say to someone who is even thinking about having kids one day is that you will poop during labor. I have no idea why it should be common knowledge that pregnancy brings a lot of vomit with it, and not that it also brings a lot of poop at unexpected moments.
If that one didn’t scare you enough, here are a few additional things you can actually expect during pregnancy and childbirth, as told by parents who were just as surprised as they were horrified and disgusted! Happy birthing!
16 The Hormones, And The Most Hilarious Response
“Hormones made me angry and horny all the time. I hated my husband but wanted to have sex all the time. If I didn't have sex regularly I would have wet dreams. Once I had a dream I was in a large office room and there were cameras and I saw myself on a t.v. in the corner so I started fucking a chair, woke up cumming” - BG1986
To that hilarious – and totally real – comment, Reddit user, bonyponyride, had the funniest response ever:
“Pregnancy turned you into a dude.”
For reals, gurl.
Afterwards, a few other users also felt the need to chime in, like Nosy69, who said:
“I was once woken up by an orgasm when I was pregnant... awesome feeling!”
That sounds like the best way to wake up in the morning. At least way better than an annoying alarm clock!
15 The Nonexistent Bladder Control
“I lost bladder control after.
I had the baby the good ol fashioned way. I tore quite a bit. I had labored for like 16 hours, so when it was all over I kind of just fell asleep and didn't notice anything. Well the next morning I got moved and went to shower because I was gross and I peed. Like I just stood up and peed. I started crying for my husband and he didn't get it at first and when he finally realized that it just 'fell' out and I didn't like lose control, that there was no control, he was on board with something bad just happened and we need help.
So all panicked I'm finishing my shower and trying to get a nurse. The nurses just looked at us like we were strange. So then my doctor comes in to check my stitches and I'm trying to explain again what happened and she's all like... that happens. As calm as if she was telling me the sky was blue. No one cared that every time I stood up I just started peeing. I didn't see that in any book. No one prepared me. When I think trouble with bladder control after birth I think like sneeze and pee a little. Not like it just all comes out... for no reason.
It took about a week till I had control back. Every single mother I talked to mentioned that happened to them. All casual like. If I'd been in charge of all the pregnancy prep information, this would have been my number one bolded point in all caps. YOU WILL PISS YOURSELF SO MUCH. Hell, I'd give out a pamphlet to sexually active teens with that as the title in all caps. This would have been nice to know ahead of time. All I'm saying.
Edit: 1. I am so happy to hear from all the other mamas who've had this happen. I am not happy it happened to us, but it's nice sometimes to know we aren't alone. And 2. I'm so happy to have gold! And I didn't even pee myself squealing in delight! Double happy! Thank you!” - lustywench99
14 The Medley of Horrors
“Dry itchy skin on my hands.
It's possible to vomit so hard that spaghetti-o's come out of your nose.
Stretch marks are itchy and sore as they develop.
I didn't get new stretch marks with number 2, the old ones just got longer.
I still pee like I'm pregnant. Every hour on the fucking hour.
If you get an epidural, you really can't feel anything at all down there. But your body is going through some tough shit. So towards the end when the contractions are extra crazy, there's no pain but you start trembling violently and your whole trunk seizes up a lot. It was the the weirdest thing I've ever experienced. Highly preferable to the soul crushing pain though.
When baby starts to get big, there's not a whole lot between it and outside. Literally there is a membrane and some skin. So when baby moves, it looks like a puppy in a silk bag desperately seeking an exit, only the bag is you and its made of stretch marked, sore, itchy skin and there is no exit. It looks all lumpy and weird and can be mildly painful if he stretches to far in multiple directions.
The people the waiting room get bored real fast. Labor is an all day thing.
If you drop something on the floor, it may as well be on the moon. Come to terms with the fact that it's gone forever and move on.” - dromedarian
13 The Drooler
“I’m currently pregnant, a few weeks away from giving birth:
I was not told that my vagina would hurt this bad. All that extra blood flow makes it swollen and painful.
Was not told how painful it would be to sleep ONLY on my sides, and how much it would be a pain in the ass to have to WAKE UP to roll myself over onto my other side if the one I am on is hurting.
I walk funny now, I knew pregnant ladies had a certain waddle--but I didn't know my stepping pattern would physically change (I noticed when it snowed, instead of my feet going straight forward they kinda look like \ / )
Discharge. It's like my pussy is drooling 24/7.
How fucking weird it feels to have the baby move. It feels like I'm one moment away from that scene in aliens.
How hard it can be to eat healthy. It's hard when you throw up/get heartburn from the damndest things and the only thing you can eat sometimes is french fries.
How simple doctors appointments are. I thought they'd be these long drawn out processes, but it's literally: pee in a cup, get weighed, baby heart rate check, any questions?
Crusty nipples from when the nipples start to leak.” - littlebitofcake
12 The Tear
“Just because you request an epidural doesn't mean you will get one. Blood work kept getting messed up, then couldn't find another vein for a good draw etc... Anesthesia said nope and my wife had a natural birth. Her vagina ripped straight through to her asshole. I peeked once while they were stitching her all back together and noped out.” - tinster9
The reactions from other Reddit users to this particular statement were, of course, the best in the entire thread:
“So what you're saying is, I should bring duct tape and gorilla glue?” - TheVoiceOfRiesen
“Oh my god, I think my vagina just closed itself up after I read that. Nope, no babies for me. Nope nope nope.” - CaptainTampon
“The vagina ripping is what's horrible to contemplate. Ugh. Nope nope nope. 7 billion people on the planet - they don't need another one out of me.” - ThePostItNote
11 The "Natural" Birth Experience
“Inductions without pain medication are really, really painful. I had no time to get used to the contractions. I heard stuff like, "Yeah, I was induced and they gave me some morphine and it wasn't a huge deal." Meh. I curled up in a ball and silently wept until the anesthesiologist came and three people held me up while he started the epidural because I was shaking and couldn't sit up.
Pain varies between people. Ignore the epidural naysayers and get one if you feel like you need it. Trying to suck it up doesn't make you awesome.” - VioletFish
“I made this mistake... Drip in the arm induction and no pain relief other than gas and air. Not by choice, I desperately wanted something stronger but they kept saying there was no time. Has emotionally scarred me and probably a major factor in me not wanting a 3rd child.” - Highsociety01
10 The Explorer
“I felt pretty prepared for the birth, it was everything after the baby came out that shocked me. I just never expected a woman with a headlamp staring down my vagina looking for things like a fucking explorer.” - Meeshjunk.
Other users were intrigued about it, like why would someone need to pretend to be Dora the Explorer in your vajayjay after birth?
“What do they look for?? No one has ever told me what happens after the baby comes out. It's always agony and mess of birth, then boom, baby and that's it.” - kourtneykaye
Well, the original poster was there to give the answer that was never given to her before the actual event:
“Mostly damage to the birthing canal, then stitches if necessary. Some odd times there can be bits of sac or merconium but that's only if they suspect some is missing.” - Meeshjunk
9 The Poop Effect
“Pooping is terrifying afterwards, for like the first week. I was so afraid I was going to burst my episiotomy stitches out.” - RunsLikeAGirl
“Yeah, I didn’t know I would be so constipated and I had no expectations on going to the bathroom with stitches down there. I didn’t take any stool softeners. When I finally did go, alone, at home, it was so painful I cried. I felt like I had a second baby, only this time no one was there to help and no one would likely care.” - Junkintrunkin
Fun fact: if you have a cesarean section instead of a vaginal birth, they won’t let you leave the hospital until you poop, so that sounds like a pretty good incentive to me. It does not make it any less terrifying, though. But at least you get it over with sooner.
8 The Second Baby
“It's the second baby that really messes up the vagina.
Breastfeeding, although natural can be very difficult. For some reason I thought it was going to be as natural and easy as breathing. Nope, not at all. My baby had to have his tongue clipped twice, I got hospitalized for mastitis, then lost my milk supply completely, then thrush and then it took 2-3 months to get back to producing a full supply so I could wean my baby (allergic to all formula and colic) off of formula and back to the breast. There were 3 pediatricians, 7 lactation consultants, 2 ENTs and 1 OT.
Those are the highlights. I also left out the other bits about pumping, finger feeding, elimination diet and nipple shields.” - fukenhippie
7 The Series of Unfortunate Events
“Ugh, pregnancy sucked for me. So many odd, shitty symptoms I wasn't prepared for.
- My nose became stuffed immediately and I couldn't breathe through it again until after I gave birth.
- My eyesight got worse early in the pregnancy and didn't go back to my normal prescription until 3 months after I gave birth.
- I drooled constantly.
- Someone else here mentioned the extra vaginal discharge during pregnancy. It also smells kinda funky. And not a good kind of funky.
- Itchy fucking nipples.
- No one told me I might poop during childbirth. I don't even know if I did, hub claims I didn't but he's smart enough to lie to me about it.
- Lost all ability to control my pee for a week or so. Couldn't squeeze those muscles, so I'd just sit and wait for the pee to start. When it stopped, I'd use the good old squirt bottle (no wiping if you got stitches!) to clean myself. Then I'd stand and a few remaining drops of pee would leak out. Every fucking time.” - Ollamoot
6 The Unnecessary Stretching
“When the baby is crowning and your vagina is stretching, your clit and anus also stretch and have to move out of the way too. It seriously felt like my clit was ripping in half, and my anus was painfully being pulled toward my spine. (Unmedicated birth, I did not tear thankfully)
Pooping after giving birth sucks. A friend of mine didn't poop for over a week after having her baby. When she finally did poop, it was practically the size of another baby. Seriously, she weighed herself before pooping, and then after she was done she was 8 pounds lighter. Use your tuck pads and witch hazel pads mamas.” - sparkyspirits
“That clit stretching thing definitely surprised me too. I'd had a relatively easy unmedicated labor and honestly the only majorly painful part was that crowning. I remember trying to frantically explain what part was tearing but I couldn't remember the right word for clitoris. In the end it was only a little micro tear so I feel for folks with major tearing down there.” - Leapercolony
5 Best Hotel Ever
“1. The stuffiness. Had to wear Breathe-right strips at night for both of my pregnancies.
And just an FYI, for all of you who might not know the reason why the doctor was pushing all over, here is some helpful information:
“The "push" is to help your uterus contact after birth to prevent it from hemorrhaging. The harder the uterus clamps down, the better.” - bevalkm
4 The Father Experience
“Husband here, three time father...
The blood... Omg so much blood, and the placenta, it's a veiny sack of alien proportions...
People told me 'Aww... Giving birth is beautiful,' Yea, done it with my wife three times now, I was lied to, it's a horror show.” - MaxMouseOCX
Apparently, not many people know that the placenta has to come out somehow, which is usually by pushing again once the baby is out. You thought you were done? Think again.
“The placenta is HUGE eh! And I didn’t realise for my first birth that 20 minutes after pushing the baby out I’d get another dose of contractions and push the placenta out like it was another baby, rather than it just falling out or something.” - OctochaetusMultipora
3 Baby's First Poop
“Sticky black baby tar poop as first dirty diaper. Why does no one warn first time mothers of this? I was insanely freaked out and the nurse really laughed in my face. I was warned about everything except this. Bladder control, weight loss, thinning hair, everything.... But that tar feces.” - sinsavory.
“I had to warn my husband about this! I read about it somewhere and was like oh, okay then. But then only after the baby was born thought to tell him. He said it was a good thing I did, because even with warning it freaked him out, (discriptions didn't do it justice) and that if he hadn't been warned he would have been yelling for a nurse!” - Lludra
But as if that wasn’t the worst thing ever…
“Sometimes babies have their first poo in utero (which is bad) and the meconium stains their hair green.” - iheartdewey
2 The Overeaters Anonymous
“I'm in my sixth month now and no one told me that I would wake up at 4:30 am everyday starving to death. This is the kind of hunger that can't just be ignored. You have to eat or you get super nauseated, and if you wait too long to eat its all going to come back up. That being said, I think I'm going to try raisin bran again.
Also, someone mentioned how hard it is to eat healthy. So true. I know I should eat salmon and kale instead macaroni and cheese with eggrolls for dinner. I just don't want to and sometimes I literally can't even. Food doesn't taste or smell the way it used to, and if I want to eat carbs I will, dammit. Other surprises include, but are not limited to cervical pain, constant discharge that makes you feel like you wet yourself, shortness of breath from the now limited lung capacity, various digestive issues, vomiting at random times throughout the day, crazy dreams that a sexually frustrated Steven King couldn't come up with, and the ability to pee on command.” - Ispaceoutsometimes