TheThings.com

20 People Who Need To Pump The Brakes Just A Little

You know how it can be on the Internet. It’s a darn jungle out there. If anyone's ever dabbled in gaming online, they’ll see it. People can be super, super obnoxious through those headsets of theirs.

It’s the whole idea of anonymity, I suppose. Gamers can spout all the vitriol they like on a message board or comment section, completely safe behind their username. But there’s more to it all than just outright trolling.

Here on the web, we all feel a little safer in general. We let our inhibitions lower an inch or two, take things a stage further than we generally would in a face-to-face scenario. Sometimes, we go several darn stages further. Check out these 20 people who really, really need to learn a little online chill.

20 Solution: Get Pregnant

Via: Imgur

Now, we’ve all been there at some point in our lives. We’ve all struggled with toxic people, whether in a relationship or with friends and family. It’s a situation that you have to deal with however possible, because it’ll just descend further and further into crapola-ville.

How do you deal with it, though? That’s the question. You can’t change people, nor can you lose something of yourself in the attempt. I don’t mean to get all Oprah on you, but that’s the truth of it. It’s a darn difficult situation.

People can be incredibly adept at hiding their true colours, as we all know. If you really want to get to the truth of the matter, learn who deserves to be a part of your life and who doesn’t then… getting pregnant is the answer, apparently. Does that pregnant lady glow let you see people’s auras, their true natures?

19 When Swamp Donkey Needs To Learn A Little Chill

Via: tindertipsandtricks.blogspot.com

Come on now, Mr. Donkey. As anyone who’s dabbled in online dating can attest, it’s a darn difficult business. It’s the whole swipe-left-or-right-at-a-glance, fast food sort of culture these days, and it’s getting harder than ever to make a real connection.

Combine that with society’s insistence on the importance of having a bae (Valentine’s Day is a terrible time to be using social media AT ALL), and we’re facing challenges and pitfalls that our parents and grandparents could never imagine having to deal with. It’s rough.

So, as I say, Mr. Donkey, you might want to relax that whole rule of yours a bit. What’s wrong with just plain old Jake? I’m not sure you’ll get quite as many bites if you insist on going by Swamp Donkey.

18 When You Get Props On Your Terrible Appendix-Based Line

Via: The Hollywood Gossip

Having said all of that about Swamp Donkey, it’s really quite hard to judge what will be successful and what won’t. It can be a real minefield on Tinder, as you try to negotiate your way around the sleazes, the fakers, the liars, and the catfishers. A lot of all this is in the eye of the beholder, though. The right line at the right time, sent to the right person? That’s the start of something truly beautiful right there.

In all the whole wide world of appropriate themes for one-liners, I’d never have thought that appendix metaphors would be a way to go. Neither would most recipients of this message, to be frank. Still, though, it seemed to strike a chord there. That’s better than nothing.

17 When You Know You're Punching, But You Go For It Anyway

Via: Her Campus

Now, see, I’m no dating expert, but I totally understand that this is something you don’t want to be doing. Remember that early Friends episode, where Chandler is trying to convince Monica that he’s dating material? "All right. There’s a nuclear holocaust,” he says. “I’m the last man on Earth. Would you go out with me?”

While she begrudgingly agrees to that (and we all know how their relationship unfolds as the seasons go on), that’s just textbook uncool on his part. There’s nothing like being entirely and thoroughly down on yourself before anything even kicks off. I’ve always hated the whole idea of being out of somebody’s league, but to go to these sort of snarky lengths to resign yourself to it… that’s a firm no from me.

16 When Walmart Is Your Number One Choice For Marriage Counseling

Via: collegetimes.com

Well, now. As a super wise man once said (it was Frasier, actually, I like to catch the endless reruns whenever I can), the breakup of a marriage is one of the most difficult transitions life has to offer. Even if it’s a relatively smooth and an amiable one, all things considered, it’s going to be a long road.

If you’ve been through a divorce yourself, or somebody close to you has, you’ll know that all too well. How do you come to terms with such a situation? How do you cope? However you can, I guess.

There’s all kinds of support available, but I’m not sure the Walmart Facebook page is the place to go to. Their store are stocked with just about freaking everything, sure, but I’m not sure this sort of thing is covered.

15 When You're One Of Those Darn Cheesy Facebook Couples

Via: The Hollywood Gossip

Come on, Facebook couples. Why do you have to be this way? I like to think of myself as the romantic sort, and, yes, that seems to be kind of a dying art these days, but still. So many of our Facebook friends aren’t our actual real-life friends (at least, not any more), and that guy you sat with in math class in 1999 really doesn’t want to see it. He doesn’t care about your cringe-tastic loved-up posts.

As far as I’m concerned, these sorts of things are the exact reason why you can hide people’s posts. Can’t we just keep our pooping partners on a need to know basis? As I say, I’m very much in love too, but there’s a line you really shouldn’t cross. Why are these two gleefully doing the "Gangnam Style" dance all over that line, with zero effs given?

14 When Super Andrew Is Done Saving Orphans From Asteroids And Now He Wants A Date

Via: Imgur

So here we are, getting settled into this brand-new year of 2018. How are those resolutions going? Those thrice-weekly visits to the gym you promised yourself? Ah, don’t worry about it. It’s only mid-February.

Looking at the global picture, though, it’s quite an uncool time for all sorts of reasons. Things are a bit of a darn mess, aren’t they? We don’t need to worry anymore, though, because Super Andrew is here.

Speaking as a man, I can tell you a trade secret about men that you totally know already: they’ll be sure to tell you, right off the bat, that they’re not like other guys. They’ll probably tut a little or roll their eyes as they say other guys, just to make sure you get the message. It’s usually crapola, sadly. Still, you’ve got to give this guy kudos for picking up that ball and running with it.

13 When Your Little Sister Is Running Dangerously Low On Chill

Via: piximus.net

If you grew up with siblings, you’ll be familiar with the incredible love/hate relationship you can have with them. On the one hand, they’re probably the first friend you’ll make in life. If there’s not much of an age gap, they may have been your playmate all throughout childhood. As priceless as all these sorts of memories can be, let’s not forget that they can also be a royal pain in the pants.

I guess it comes down to a lack of boundaries. That’s just a natural thing. The two of you may have shared a room growing up, after all. Even with that said, there are always some siblings who take things way too far. Here’s one popcorn-pelting example now. Oh, siblings, what are we going to do with you?

12 When Grandma Is Darn Serious About You Visiting More

Via: Pinterest

Yep. I know, I totally hear you. All too often, we snark on the oldies in our lives for their lack of technological prowess. We grit our teeth and serve as their own personal tech support, inwardly wondering how they can’t handle something as simple as double-clicking or setting up an email account. Then we remember that our moms, dads, and grandparents are the people who taught us to use a toilet, a knife and fork, and we get a little humbler.

Besides, all of that’s just a cheap cliché. There are some grandmas who certainly know their way around a cell phone; and can drop hilariously chill-free texts with the best of us. Take this one, for instance. Grandma sees you never calling or coming over, and she does not appreciate it.

11 When You Haven’t Thought Your Fiendish Masterplan All The Way Through

Via: astrologymemes.com

Now, I can always appreciate a creative mind. I’m a huge fan of the works of Tim Burton and the Harry Potter series; anything that represents a real flight of the imagination. I am all about that life.

Happily, for me, the Internet is full of these creative souls. Every day, you’ll scroll along your feed or timeline and see viral posts that hit completely out of left field. A lot of these things are being shared purely for the how in the name of all that is good and pure did the original poster ever even think to post that value.

Take this for example. Where did this even come from? What’s the thought process that led here? I just simply cannot even. I’ve tried, but I can’t.

10 When Dad Takes The Joke ALL The Way Too Far

Via: humoar.com

I suppose we all should have been resigned to this right from the start. Whenever you see the words ‘dad’ and ‘joke’ in the same sentence, you know you’re in for a really bad time.

Moms are just as capable of making awful cheesy puns and such, of course, but dad jokes will always be the most notorious of all. On the rare occasion, even the dad in question will realise how terrible his joke was and try to pull the rip cord, but it’s too late by then. Your chute isn’t going to open.

Personally, I’d like a little more context for this one. Was this a perfectly rational extension of a conversation already in progress, or did dad just fire these texts off out of the blue? That’s some intense savagery.

9 When Netflix Isn't About To Take Any Of Your Crapola

Via: bestfunnypic.com

Naturally, a lot of today’s big corporations feel the need to bolster their brands via social media. Much of their customer base spends their entire lives Instagramming, Facebooking, tweeting, Redditing, and such, and that’s a market that has to be tapped into. If you’re a brand like Wendy’s, you may be lucky enough to have the whole social media game down pat (or patty, in their case).

Netflix sure seems to get it as well. Good on them, hitting back. I’m sure these companies take a huge amount of guff on social media, and that sort of thing can bring even the most saintly of us down after a while.

Not these guys, though. They’re always here to give you a lesson in how Netflix and chill works.

8 When Grandma's Back And Hitting All The Right Insecurities

Via: dailymoss.com

Whoa. Whoa whoa whoa grandma. Time out.

As we all know, everybody’s families are vastly different, and there’s no true consensus on what a grandma is. Some may picture a sweet, flowery-smelling, elderly beige-cardigan-wearer, while others will be more familiar with an age-defying punk rock grandma with bleached hair. Some of them do cook for absolutely everybody in sight—this is true—but others aren’t about that life in the slightest. It’s 2018, guys, we really should leave these darn clichés behind.

Sweet, lovable, huggable old ladies? If you’ve got a grandma like that, then that’s all well and good, but not everybody does. Check this lady out. She knows your weak spots and trigger buttons, and she’s not afraid to use them. Heck, she’s going to land on them all like a sumo wrestler.

7 When You Probably Shouldn't Have Asked Him To Holla At Your Girl

Via: funnyjunk.com

So, as I say, relationships are a tricksy business. When you make a commitment to that one person, you’re signing up for a terrifying roller coaster ride of blood, sweat, tears and poop. Literally, if you get to the baby-making stage (and even if you don’t, some days). The fact is, however compatible the two of you are, there are going to be good days and bad days.

Sometimes, the good will be fantastic and life-affirming, and sometimes, the bad will be utterly horrendous. That’s just the way it is. There are all manner of pitfalls that modern-day relationships face, after all, and lack of trust is one of them. Just look what happened here. All because nobody thought to have an actual honest conversation. It's tragic, really.

6 When They're Freaking Serious About That Pony This Year, Santa

Via: hearstapps.com

As children, we have a tendency to see holidays in terms of what we’re going to get. Growing up, I always hoped for the latest robotic toy, because I was totally into those sorts of things. There are so many of them up in my parents’ attic, they’re in real danger when the machine uprising the Terminator movies promised us comes.

The important thing is, I was thrilled and grateful when I did receive these things, and didn’t howl and moan like Dudley Dursley did when he was only given 36 birthday gifts instead of 37.

It’s the entitlement that really grinds my gears. That, and the raw, horrifying blood-curdling threat in this letter to Santa. What are these consequences going to be? WHAT? I must know.

5 When You Find Jar Jar Binks Lurking In Your Shower With A Knife

Via: microfilenetwork.com

At this point in our lives, I think we’ve all made our peace with dad jokes. They’re a thing, they’re always going to be a thing. I’m personally looking forward to the day that I can unleash my own brand of dad jokes on my own children. You’ve just got to resign yourself to it, really.

This isn’t to say that all jokes from dads are going to be cheesy. Sometimes, just occasionally, their pranks are totally on point. Just look at this magnificent example.

Going all Psycho in the shower is a classic, true, and one of the cruellest pranks you can pull. There’s something totally primal and terrifying about it. Adding the Jar Jar Binks twist to boot just takes it all over the edge.

4 When You Probably Shouldn't Touch The Thermostat At Work

Via: Reddit

Like a lot of you, I’ve worked in my share of different workplace environments. Every company has their own ways of doing things, and it’s something that every new employee will have to get used to. Some employers are more laid-back and casual, while others are sticklers for rules and regulations. It’s all got to be taken a case-by-case basis.

As the new person in the office or store, you pick up the lay of the land fairly quickly. There’s an adjustment period, but you’ll get there.

Who do I come to when such and such happens? You’ll figure that out. Where do I put this when I’m done with it? That’ll soon be second nature too. Can I touch the thermostat? No, that’s a firm no.

3 When You Totally Cross The Line With The Food Thieves

Via: collegehumor.com

Following on from that last point, there’s another crucial thing you’ll soon learn at a new job: who’s the food thief? This will all depend on the sort of job we’re talking about, of course, as it’s a moot point if you’re lucky enough to work from home. In an office environment, however, there’s usually someone. You soon learn who they are; learn to identify them from that shifty look in their eyes at lunch.

The key is cutting this sort of behaviour off at the source, and being quick about it. Your turkey sandwich (with a moist-maker, naturally) must be defended.

While that's all well and good, I’d say that this person’s gone just a smidge too far with that concept. Still, you won’t mess with their food again in a hurry.

2 When Everyone Else Can Just Go Home, Because The Ultimate Prank Has Been Discovered

Via: thejournal.ie

If you thought the candy trick from the last entry was cruel (and you’re dang skippy it was), you haven’t seen anything yet. Buckle up for the guy who taught children never to ever ever trust adults again.

Now, I’m not one to trick or treat anymore, and there are very few children in my neighbourhood who do so either. As a result, I’m a little out of touch with the whole tradition. I don’t know if they’ve changed the rules over the last decade or so, but I’m pretty sure that this is uncool on every possible level.

Brussel sprouts being pretty well universally disgusting is a meme in and of itself at this point. I was offended enough the day I discovered chocolate raisins, but chocolate sprouts?

1 When You Lay It All On The Table Right From The Off

Via: Imgur

As I’ve said, I’m not a parent yet, but I’ve spent a good chunk of my working life in childcare. As such, I’m totally familiar with the golden rule of children: they give zero effs. As adults, we learn that there are some things we just cannot speak plainly about, however much we want to. There are truths we cannot tell; people we cannot chew out.

Have you ever wondered how life would be if we could? If we could be brutally honest at all times? In a way, I’d be all for that. It would save so much grief in the long run. That’s a little more than I’d like to know, Liz, but thanks for letting us know ahead of time. This could have gotten all kinds of awkward later down the line.

Give TheThings a Thumbs up!

Looking for an AD FREE EXPERIENCE on TheThings?

Get Your Free Access Now!

More in Facepalm

20 People Who Need To Pump The Brakes Just A Little