We love our pets. We also love to spend money on our pets. And some of us are not all that bright when it comes to the latter. Occasionally, this all comes together in a perfect storm of us buying dumb things for our furry friends that we just can't understand. We wind up asking ourselves "Why, though?"
Anyone who has ever owned a pet will sympathize; we love our companions and feel the need to shower them with affection and gifts. The affection, most every animal loves and we advise lavishly raining down hugs and kisses every chance you get. The gifts however, often seem to say more about the owner than serving any real purpose for the pet.
There's a whole industry that has sprung up, offering products for pets. It's apparent that some of the manufacturers have created a whole range of pet products that seem to have dubious practical uses. It's bad enough that we're constantly bombarded by advertisements for human products. Now, our attention needs to wade through a never-ending stream of items for our pets.
So if you're easily prone to impulse buys, rest easy. You should have no problem avoiding any urge to buy any these 20 products.
19 Bacon-y Bubbles
Dogs like bubbles. Kids like bubbles. Basically anyone who likes joy and fun will get a kick out of bubbles. So we understand that those floating, soapy spheres are quite the party pleaser. We're ready to admit that you'd have to be pretty Scrooge-like to not see the attraction of a bubble machine.
What throws this product off, though, is the "bacon flavored bubbles" feature. First, let's start by saying that this is a serious waste of some perfectly fine bacon essence. Combining something so heavenly as bacon with something so distasteful like dish soap is a crime against nature.
When we see the words "bacon flavoring" in anything, we expect that the idea would generally be to make that thing taste better. Comedian Jim Gaffigan has a whole routine on the glory that is bacon. “You wanna hear how good bacon is? To improve other food, they wrap it in bacon. If it wasn't for bacon, we wouldn't even know what a water chestnut is.”
But all you're going to get with bacon flavored bubbles is some weird smelling bubble stains and one hungry, confused, and possibly irate doggy. Especially once he figures out that these wonderful smelling bubbles are a lie!
18 Bow-lingual Dog Translator
The concept of a device that would let us communicate with our dogs has been a dream ever since Lassie tried to alert us all that Timmy was trapped in the well. Dogs have trained us well enough to vaguely understand what they're trying to say with various yelps, barks and whines. Even types of body language from dogs can illicit some sort of reaction from their owners.
Anyone who's lived with a dog for any period of time knows that there's a distinct difference between their barks. Owners can discern the excited barking that signals the arrival of the mailman, or the urgent, insistent yelp asking to go outside for their business.
So we've established a fairly decent line of communication to cover the basics like fun, danger, feed me, etc... While every animal has their own subtle take on how they communicate, as good pet owners we tend to figure out the cipher and respond accordingly.
But the folks who created the Bow-lingual Dog Translator think that they've cracked the code even further. I'm going to give them mad props for that name, even if I suspect that this is about as accurate as a blind dog playing darts.
17 Rear Gear junk cover
This one says WAY more about the owner than it does about any dysfunction of the dog. If you simultaneously adore and are disgusted by your dog, there's an issue. Especially if you feel the need to cover their business hole with a cardboard cutout shaped like a flower. You probably shouldn't have a pet if this is the case. Because, hey, guess what! They come with back doors just like you! I have to imagine the inspiration from which this was conceived came about after a dog owner kept finding themselves relentlessly staring at the back end of their pet.
Rather than just not looking at it, they set about designing a whole product that nobody wants.
And what's worse, this becomes an exercise similar to the 'Don't think about a white elephant' experiment. Can you NOT think about a white elephant right now? It's almost impossible to not have that thought. So when you have a little dangly flower flopping around your dog's backside, how is anyone supposed to NOT look at that? Or, for that matter, think about what might be behind the cutout. Eventually someone's going to pipe up and ask, "What is that thing tied onto your dog's rear end?" And now you're all discussing the very thing that this product was meant to cover up.
16 Cat-a-strophic beret
How do you make an already aloof animal that thinks it's better than you look even more obnoxious? Why, you dress it up with a French beret!
What you see in this photo is the moment before the cat ripped the hat up into a tangle of yarn. This fashion accessory is all about the owner's taste, with little consideration for the cat. Animals, as a rule, don't like being dressed in clothes meant for a human.
If you don't believe me, set out three or four outfits for your cat and see which one it completely ignores first. The only way you'd convince me that an animal likes to play dress up is if it would voluntarily grab something from the closet. This would be followed by them posing in front of a mirror turning back and forth asking, "Does this make me look good?"
No, they aren't cold. They're covered in fur which is all the "clothing" they'll need. Unless you have one of those hairless pets, then it would be a good idea to cover them up from ear to tail. For the rest of the animals, a little more time spent playing with them, and a little less time trying to find their perfect fall color would be best for everyone involved.
15 Cat Croc Bed
This product takes bad fashion and molds it into an even more questionable product. As a cat bed, it probably functions well enough. As a fashion statement, Crocs are hideous. Fight me on this. I don't care if they're "comfortable." Strolling around my home in my open bathrobe is comfortable, but nobody needs to see that. I do appreciate that this comes with a personalized name tag and that this particular cat is named Sasquatch. But I just can't get past the fact that someone out there thought that a giant, ugly shoe would make a good cat bed.
Now, considering the affinity that dogs have for chewing up shoes, this product as a dog bed would make much more sense.
Right up until they saw this as a giant chew toy and start tearing it to shreds. Especially since you just spent way too much on an ugly pet bed. But buying this for a cat... they're probably just as likely to choose the box this came in as a resting place than the item itself. The look on the cat's face suggests that they're ready to ditch this bed the second the photo shoot is over and the appropriate kitty treats have been rewarded. There's probably a good cat nap joke to be made here, but I refuse to waste good humor on a such an ill-conceived product.
The picture itself is pure cuteness overload. The desk plants are also a nice touch. But if you've ever had a cat, then you know how long those would last. Disguising a kitty scratch box as a laptop, complete with aquarium screen saver (of course) doesn't seem like the worst idea on this list... Until you pause for a second and consider what you're training your cat to do.
Ivan Pavlov is a well known Russian physiologist best remembered for his work in classical conditioning. This is an experiment where a biologically potent stimulus, like food, gets paired with another otherwise neutral stimulus, like a bell. By repeatedly ringing a bell before bringing a dog its daily food, after a period of time he was able to illicit a 'Pavlovian' response from the dog.
Whenever the bell would ring, the dog would salivate and get excited as it anticipated food, even if no food was present.
Which brings us back to Kitty McSkratchins and his new scratch post laptop which you've encouraged him to destroy with his claws and teeth. You even included a "mouse" there. I get it. Now don't act too surprised when your cat moves on and sharpens his equipment on your $1200 laptop. Now... where did the cat learn to do that?
13 Radiator kitty-bed
I guess people who live in big cities with old buildings might still rely on these ancient heating devices. If you're wondering what exactly a radiator is, (and I'm guessing more than a few of you younger folks might), it's an old-school way of having a relatively safe means of heating. Basically, hot water is transferred through the piping, and as the fluid circulates through the 'fins' that give a wider surface area, the heat is radiated outward.
Many city kids from older generations that have lived through the freezing conditions of winter will have memories of this invention.
Memories like hanging wet mittens, scarves, and boots off the radiator to dry them, or sitting near it while reading a good book. As effective as a radiator was as a make-shift dryer, there was still some inherent danger. It wasn't exactly made to be a clothes-dryer; if it ran too hot and you left clothes on there for too long, they could brown and singe from the heat. Which is why my mind is blown that you would even consider the idea of hanging your cat there. We'd like to think that Fluffy Applebottom III would be smart enough to move if it got too hot. But would you risk the smell of burnt cat hair radiating outward throughout the house if he wasn't?
12 Kitty hide-away table
Perhaps I come from a different school of thought, but we've always trained our pets to NOT jump on the table. We usually succeeded on the level that they would give us the respect of avoiding the table while we were there. But from the look of overturned centerpieces and finding whatever they were compelled to shove off onto the floor, the table-ban was in effect only if there was a chance that they would get caught in the act.
Which makes this product a bit contradictory. I do admire the craftsmanship of the table, though. The smooth lines and curves of the kitty nooks are very appealing. If this was used like an extra table for whatever then it'd be fine, I guess. Y'know, the way some people end up using their pool tables in the basement to pile laundry on? If that would be the case, then this would be a functional and fun idea for a cat owner. As a dinner table, though, definitely not.
Before we let this one go, does anybody else find the placement angle of the legs completely wrong? I am sure this functions well enough as a table, but those awkward angles on the legs makes me think that someone put this together wrong.
11 Doggie papoose
A 'papoose' is commonly understood to refer to some sort of child-carrier. It's typically used to strap a child to a parent to help transport their little one.
Now, it's obvious why a papoose was invented in the first place. Babies can't walk at all since they haven't quite figured it out yet. So the papoose was borne out of the necessity of getting the little ones from here to there.
Dogs, on the other hand, have a much quicker learning curve when it comes to walking. They've got it figured out in a matter of a few weeks after being born. Which is why we don't need a papoose for dogs! They need to walk for crying out loud! They need to run.
Exercise is good for them, it keeps them mentally and physically stimulated. So why would you strap them to your chest and go wandering around like this? Take a good look at those dogs and tell me that they like being vertically suspended and strapped onto their misguided owners? I know these breed of dogs are less than intimidating, but I still suspect that they haven't lost their ability or desire to walk on all fours.
10 Cologne for your dog
#WilsonWednesday 🐶Because I like alliteration. With the summer months and all the rain, there can be a lot of wet dog smell happening. Ew. 🚫 Not to mention dogs sweat more during the hot summer months (go figure!). To combat this, I’ve made a Wilson Cologne to spray on his coat each time he comes back inside, and sometimes just throughout the day if I notice he’s a little ripe and we can’t bathe him. The best part is that there are NO chemicals at all!!! Oils win again! . . . . #dogsofinstagram #bulldogsofinstagram #bulldog #lovemybully #thewilson #dogcologne #smelly #essentialoils #yleo #nomoredogsmell #yum #scent #cologne #summer #summeressentials #pets #tips #lifehacks #dogmom #kidsafe #toxinfree #chemicalfree #healthy #livewell #purification #odorfree #clean
At first I was a bit confused with this product. Was this perfume to make your dog smell like peppermint, or oranges? Or was this a line of perfume that was meant for a human but just so happened to have a dog in the background? Putting that aside for now, let's get to the point at hand. And that is these are bottles of perfume.... for your dog. Here's a tip. If you're dog smells so bad that you feel the need to address the issue... Then just WASH YOUR DOG! There are numerous brands of shampoo that are specifically made for dogs that should address any odor issues your pooch might be having.
We understand that dogs can get smelly.
For some reason, they often like to find the dirtiest, stinkiest things and then roll all around in it, getting all that funk into their fur. And if you have smelly dogs in your house, guess what your home starts to smell like! But the answer is not to cover up one bad smell with another. Because then, all you get is two bad smells competing with each other. Plus, consider the fact that a dog's sense of smell is 40 times greater than ours. So if you can smell that perfume, your dog is going to smell it 40 times more. If dogs can get headaches, then this would seriously give them one. And they will hate you. Trust me.
9 Goldfish walker
What do you do if you're a pet owner who likes to take walks, but your pet happens to be a fish? If you're a normal person, you go for a walk and leave the fish in its bowl because it has absolutely no concept of the outdoors.
But we all know that the world is hardly filled with logical people. For those types, we have the goldfish walker. I was curious to see what a goldfish walker actually costs. So after exhaustive research (30 seconds digging around Google), I've concluded that this is a prototype made by Mike Warren-Madden, metal worker from Northern England who invented this contraption about 11 years ago. His metal-working origins are hard to hide because this monstrosity of welded-steel and rope is overkill.
Let's just ignore how ridiculous the premise is to begin with. Let's say that you wanted to take your fish for a walk. How about we revisit the whole 'papoose' concept? Strapping a fish bowl to your chest would be a lot less cumbersome than that tripod of instability that Mr. Madden has there. And let's face it, having a fish swimming around on your mid-section would make you the most interesting person at the party.
8 Stylish cat bed
The first thing to notice is the cat resisting every overwhelming urge to give into its primal instincts and gently knock off each of those items from either bedside table. Once that mission is complete, it'd be time to shred those perfectly placed pillows until it looks like it snowed in your living room. You'll find those sheets underneath your bed where they'll be crumpled up, looking like they lost a fight. Because they did.
At 3 in the morning to be exact.
While a nice bedroom set with a smartly made bed makes us feel a sense of order, cats just see a bunch of things to play with until all items are eventually destroyed. In short, it's just a mess waiting to be made if you even think about giving this to a cat. You can't be all that surprised when we're talking about a creature that finds a cardboard box one of the most comfortable things in the world to squash into. It's not the cat's fault that it didn't show its appreciation for some bedroom furniture. It's your fault for failing to consider that the cat just doesn't care.
7 Meow-Lingual Cat Translator
Once again, the best thing about this product is its name. I was dubious at best about the Bow-lingual Dog Translator. But there is just no part of me that could believe that anyone anywhere has figured out what is going on in a cat's mind at anytime.
I've never been able to figure out that whole, 'I've gotta be in the next room RIGHT NOW' behavior that some refer to as "the zoomies." But pretty much every cat does it. If this Meow-Lingual translator could explain that to me, I would pay just about any price.
The most comical part of this picture is comparing the 'happy' face on the translator to the 'get that thing out of my face' expression on the cat. They probably tried for hours to get a shot of a happy-looking cat to match up to the expression. At least for the sake of creating a somewhat believable promotional picture. And this was the BEST picture they could get? Imagine the shots where the cat was even less pleased? Seriously, that is the look that a cat gives you right before someone gets the claw.
All one really needs to know about a cat is that purring equals happy, and hissing equals mad. Everything else is pretty much a mystery.
Even the name is gag worthy. If you haven't guessed what this product is, then we'll walk you through it. The name is a portmanteau (meaning the combination of two words). In this case, 'Neuter' and... rhymes with "besticles." Aha, now you're getting the idea. Or maybe not. This product is ridiculous on every level. The idea is this: when you get your dog neutered, he might come back from the surgery feeling like... less of a male. I'm not sure what level of self awareness dogs possess concerning their own gender identity.
But we certainly know the importance that some men place on the topic.
What's happening here is some misplaced guilt by a male dog owner, who's feeling an overwhelming sense of empathy as he imagines his own... "jewels" getting snipped. And in that deranged projection of inadequacy, he decides that the only way to get his dog to feel like a proper male again is to put back. Or at the very least give the dog a sense of "returning" what has been taken. Meanwhile, the dog has a plastic set of nuts, and the owner is down on money for what it cost to get two surgeries done AND to to buy a set of Neuticles.
5 Pawbag designer pooch tote
What does a dog have to carry? Absolutely nothing. If you have this for your dog, and you're making them carry things for you, then you have reached a whole new level of lazy. Unless your dog is one of those mountain rescue dogs with the little keg of alcohol, they don't get an accessory pass.
It seems like the cuter and daintier a dog is, the more likely it will become a glorified fashion accessory, complete with its own designer handbag. The owner is spending WAY too much time worrying about how the dog is going to look, and in turn, how it'll make them look.
From the outside, it might appear that the animal is being pampered and cared for more than some humans would bother to do, and that's probably correct. But it still signals a bizarre infatuation with what the animal is wearing, when they're not meant to be wearing anything at all.
Is it really hurting anyone if your pet just has nothing but a leash and collar? I'm not an expert in the matter, but since I don't see them voluntarily dressing themselves, I have to assume it's largely done for some weird satisfaction of their fashion-obsessed owner.
4 The doggie high-chair
Dogs do not belong at the dinner table. There, I've said it. Call me crotchety, old-school or even a big-ol' meany. I just don't believe that they should be at eye level with the food. They leave fur EVERYWHERE and, speaking from experience, their table manners leave a lot to be desired. I have the same complaint about my Uncle Frank, but that's a different matter all together. The picture is cute enough, with the floppy, fuzzy-eared rascal looking all chipper and happy to have a seat at the big kids' table.
But then I notice that he is bound to a leash there.
It's probably preventing him from scrambling up onto the table and scarfing up all that food in 3.5 seconds. Don't get me wrong, I love dogs. I love cats. Animals in general are awesome. But they are not people. So stop treating them like people. To be fair, a lot of people don't even act like people, but there's only so much you can do about that. Having pets is usually a wonderful experience, especially if you put the time and effort into properly caring for them. The more you try to make them into people, the more they will probably fail to meet that expectation.
3 Doggie bling
If that's some five and dime cheapo necklace that dog is wearing, then this is just silly. If those jewels are in any way real, and this costs as much as some people make in a year, then this becomes a gross insult to humanity.
Despite the negative attitude about a lot of these products, I'm all for spoiling your pets. If it makes them happy, then it will make you happy. Just make sure that it goes in that order. Because if it's just making you happy and it's not doing anything for your pet, then you're really failing at this whole pet ownership thing.
Dogs don't care if they're rich or poor. They just want love and treats. They really like the treats, but actual care goes a long way as well.
I can't imagine at any point in this dog's life that it stopped and thought, "Y'know what? I need some sparkly junk choking me around my neck. It will go great with this trim that looks like I was groomed with an egg-beater!" This dog seriously looks unhappy. So if you se that your dog is miserable, then maybe remove the junk from its body and reflect on your priorities.
2 Pawdicure Polish Pen
If nothing else, the creators of pet products are really good at giving their merchandise clever names. The purpose of this product is fairly obvious. Pretty stupid, but obvious. It's for painting your dog's nails. Maybe cats, too, but good luck with that. This is definitely one of those items that is 100% for the owner while the animal, at most, gets some sense of having attention given to it. Although, I'm sure that most dogs are rightly confused as to what this procedure is all about.
Dogs may not be colourblind, but the colour range that they see is severely limited in comparison to humans.
In other words, the colour that you see is not the colour that your dog will see. So what you might see as a stunning hot pink gloss, your dog is wondering why you're putting this swamp scum green all over its nails. The only somewhat rational (and I use that term loosely here) use for this product I could think of would be to use some team colours for your favorite sports team. I'm sure that your guests would appreciate the 'team spirit' displayed by your pooch for the big game... Actually, I've changed my mind. There is no sane use for this product.
1 The business Burglar
Apologies for ending the list on one of the more icky items offered here. But between the name, 'Turd Burglar' and its intended purpose, I just couldn't resist.
Going out on a limb here and guessing that this was invented by a Canadian. If you've ever known a true Canadian, they use a hockey stick like the rest of the world uses duct tape. It can fix just about any problem you have, including the removal of your dog's business.
Although, "removal" might not be the right word. The 'flinging of poo across the yard' would be a more accurate phrasing. Unless you live on the edge of the woods, I'm not sure this product would just end up upsetting your neighbors and turn into a war you could smell from blocks away.
This would also have to primarily be a winter sport (there's that Canadian suspicion again). One would need a certain consistency to be present, or all you're going to have is a hockey stick with a really bad smell to it.
If one has ever had the responsibility of cleaning up after a dog, there's a certain appealing nature to it. Seeing how far one could fling a doggie-bomb with this particular product seems way more fun than following Mr. Fluffers around with a little plastic bag.
References: en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Jim_Gaffigan, en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Papoose, dogtime.com/dog-health/general/5183-dogs-colorblind-staff-faq, twentytwowords.com, dplusmag.com, thisiswhyimbroke.com, uk.style.yahoo.com, bustle.com, pintrest.com, elephantintheroom.com, wowamazing.com, dognotebook.com, followthescent.com, metro.com, inventorspot.com, istock.com, hammacher.com, petperoni.com, ngradio.com, tburglar, groupon, warrenlondon