One of the most popular segments on The Tonight Show is the "Hashtag Game," in which people from all over the world have the opportunity to submit their funniest quotes and stories to the show via Twitter. Only the best tweets get selected and read on-air by Jimmy Fallon himself, so the competition is stiff. Tonight Show fans have been playing the hashtag game for years, and every episode has a different, hilarious topic. Popular themes include #MyWeirdRoommate, #WhyIQuit, #CrappyHolidays, and #WhyImSingle (just to name a few). But now with Father's Day just around the corner, it's time to appreciate some quality #DadQuotes.
Just like the #MomQuotes segment last month, this selection of #DadQuotes does not disappoint. Considering that dads are known for their deadpan humor and uncomfortable jokes, this hashtag is nothing but a recipe for greatness. Well-played, Jimmy Fallon – the show gets free jokes and the audience gets to participate without even being in the studio. Truly a stroke of genius. Does someone get paid to search through all the hashtags and pick the funniest ones for the show? Because that's my new dream job (second only to being an Official Netflix Binger).
Who wouldn't want to celebrate their dad by publicly embarrassing him on Twitter? Here are 25 hilarious #DadQuotes, just in time for Father's Day. Just try to keep those eyes from rolling out of them heads.
25 Dads Are Full Of Wisdom
Can anyone drop a corny joke like a dad? I think not. No one will have anyone laughing and rolling their eyes at the same time like that special man in our lives. I bet this dad didn't even hesitate before this joke came flowing out of his mouth like a fine wine. What is this dad joke sorcery? There must be some kind of change in a man's brain chemistry the minute he becomes a father, because I've never met a single guy with cheesy jokes rolling around in his head.
My dad is not a jokester by nature. He was raised in a strict military family and I'm not sure I've ever seen him bust a gut laughing. But deadpan humor? He's got it for days. Sometimes I'll hear him crack a joke and I have to ask him to repeat it because I can't understand how someone could have said it with a straight face. He doesn't have to pretend to be unamused, though. He's not one to laugh at his own jokes, no matter how funny they are. He just stands there and drops an unexpected joke while he's watering his azaleas, and it's the most dad-ish thing I've ever seen.
24 He's Not Wrong
This dad is probably onto something here. Dads warned us about Facebook all those years ago, but we didn't listen. Now look where we're at! Mark Zuckerberg knows us better than our own mothers! Dad doesn't want people to know how he's living his life! His relationship status, location, life events, political leanings, interests, digital activities, and personal connections are on LOCKDOWN. The only possible way one can find dads is via the white pages, and maybe not even then.
My mom has several albums of childhood photos, but my dad doesn't own one picture of himself before becoming a dad. I've seen them in other peoples' houses, but never in his. There's a family picture from when he was about 5-years-old, a 4th grade yearbook picture, and military photo that was taken right before he went to Vietnam. THAT'S IT! After becoming a dad he suddenly shows up again with large framed tinted glasses and the classic eighties mustache (mom forced him into Olan Mills). It's weird, but I think he likes all the mystery surrounding him. Dad could have lived anywhere and been anyone for years, but kids these days will never taste that kind of freedom. There's something to be said for ditching Snapchat and keeping those young days a secret.
23 A Dad's Perspective
I've never met a man who happily asks for directions (or instruction manuals, for that matter). A few months ago my hubs told me we were taking a shortcut to my parents' house and we got lost in the North Carolina countryside for almost two hours. How does that even happen in this day and age? We were so far in the boonies we couldn't even get a signal and ask Google Maps for help. After a while every single tobacco field started to look the same. Every so often we'd pass a run-down gas station and I'd tell the hubs to pull over but he never did. "That looks like something straight out of the movie Deliverance," he'd say as an excuse. I knew that wasn't the reason, though.
For a dad, pulling over to ask another man for directions is admitting defeat in front of your wife and children.
He stubbornly maintained that we weren't lost and claimed we were taking "the scenic route" instead. It was just a massive waste of gas, but that's a dad for you. Getting a guy to admit that he's wrong in front of his wife is hard; getting a guy to admit that he's wrong in front of his kids is next to impossible.
22 Dad's Got It Figured Out
Was there any dad who was excited about the Royal Wedding back in May? Because I never met one. Even if one was excited, they would have never admitted it. My husband is English so I figured he'd have some thoughts about it at the very least. "So how do you feel?" I asked him, just as Meghan was about to walk down the aisle. "I feel comfortable," he said, gesturing to the couch. Yep, that's all I got.
Jimmy Fallon should have asked for some #royalweddingdadquotes in one of the hashtag segments last month. This was a missed opportunity. I bet dads had all kinds of hilarious opinions on the $30 million affair. Take this dad, for example. Typical red-headed men with tiny eyes and male patterned baldness don't marry smoking hot babes, but that's the power of prestige. If Harry sold health insurance do you really think he would have bagged a hot actress? NOPE. This dad knows it, and so does everyone else. He just said what all of us were thinking.
"But I think Harry is hot," you say! Take his title away and put him in a turtleneck and a pair of white new balance sneakers. Still think he's hot? Case closed.
21 That's Not How It Works
As clueless as this dad is, he's already a step ahead of mine. My dad still doesn't know what Twitter is, much less how to work it.
There's nothing like a dad trying to keep up with the kids.
This poor guy doesn't even understand what a hashtag is, but he's not going to let that stop him! To all of the clueless dads reading this- hashtags are not the same thing as your Twitter handle. A hashtag is a word or phrase preceded by a hash or pound sign (#) that's used to identify messages on a specific topic. In other words, hashtags make it easy by grouping topics together. How do you think I found all these #DadQuotes?
This dad clearly wants to connect with his kid on social media, but that can be both a blessing and a curse. I'm part of the Facebook generation (I was a college kid when it came out), but I remember when the baby boomers started joining Facebook like it was yesterday. Suddenly my Facebook feed was littered with prayer requests, political rants, and virtual chain letters. Gone were the days when young people could post whatever they wanted without being judged by their older relations. That's the risk you run when you allow your dad to follow you on Twitter/Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat. Trust me, you don't want your dad to be "web savvy."
20 "Mom's At Work"
Can we all slow clap for this random Dad, because this quote is a thing of beauty. As my 12-year-old says, "this is quality."
I can be funny, but coming up with witty one-liners off the top of my head is a tall order. I usually need at least five minutes of preparation. Maybe this dad had been holding on to this joke for years, just waiting for the day when his kid would ask him for a stud finder. Or maybe dads just have an endless supply of dad jokes rolling around in their head all the time.
A stud finder is like the ultimate thing for a dad to have. If you ask your dad for a specific tool and he doesn't have it, is he even your dad? My dad still uses his old toolbox from the eighties and it's filled to the brim with rusty nails and at least ten hammers. I still haven't figured out why anyone would need more than one hammer, but it is what it is. Dads don't feel like dads unless they have an endless supply of tools they'll never use. I guess every tool in their box has joke potential.
19 Real Talk
"Without missing a beat." Do dads ever miss a beat before coming up with jokes like these?
I don't know why it's socially acceptable for dads to pick on their kids like this, but it is. If a mother said this to her child she'd be accused of verbal abuse, but when a dad says it we all just laugh and post about it on Twitter. Dad, such a clever guy! Admit it, you laughed (or at least smiled). It's like a line straight out of Married With Children. I can even imagine the tone of voice this was delivered in. Quick wit should always be celebrated! There are always exceptions to the rule, though.
If your dad is always making jokes at your expense then you might need to order a new dad and try again.
I wonder if this dad meant it the way it was taken? Maybe he just meant that his child's pain was his pain (nope, but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt here). I remember my parents always used to say "this is going to hurt me more than it's going to hurt you," but I always knew that was a bunch of crap. Parents and their lying ways!
18 Doctor Dad
No, this doesn't make any sense. Yes, it made me laugh.
Dads are always acting like they know what the problem is, even when they have no idea what they're talking about. Obviously a turd can't go "cross-ways" due to the shape of the intestines, but who the hell needs facts! A dad diagnosis is as good as gold. I remember calling my dad when I was eight months into my pregnancy and complaining about heartburn. "I think that means the baby has a beard," he said with complete authority. He obviously meant a full head of hair (referring to the old wives tale), but whatever. I was half expecting my son to come out looking like a lumberjack because dads are never wrong (my son was practically bald, by the way). Dad also told me that coffee would stunt my growth and I believed him for YEARS! When I topped out at 5'2 my dad would always shake his head and say, "shouldn't have had that coffee." Ridiculous, right? That's the power of a dad. They have to have an answer for everything, even when they know they're making it up. My husband tells our son that too much x-box will melt his brain, and damned if my son doesn't believe it. He'll put the controller down and go play outside, so I'm not telling him any different. I could tell my son the exact same thing, but he'd never believe it. Dad sorcery at its finest.
17 Something Special
This sounds like a Ron Swanson quote, doesn't it?
“I’m gonna get twelve eggs and part of a dead animal. Dealer’s choice. Please and thank you." - Ron Swanson
Unlike most moms, dads don't usually care about their waistlines when they're ordering food. Eating the largest meal on the menu in under 30 minutes is seen as a personal challenge. Why do you think restaurants have crazy food challenges? Men see this kind of thing as a test of virility! In my hometown there's something called the 11-pound Carnivore Pizza Challenge and it's just as insane as it sounds. This pizza weighs 11 pounds, is 30 inches across, and must be eaten in under one hour. Two people are allowed to tag team this event, and it costs $50 to enter. $250 is awarded to all successful teams.
The ONLY people I know who have attempted this challenge are men who just happen to be DADS.
For why?! Anyone who's responsible for tiny humans should probably be a little concerned about heart disease and diabetes, but yet the binge eating continues. No self-respecting dad will order a sensible salad, at least not when their kids are watching them. Food is seen as just another way to divide and conquer.
16 Dads Will Tell It To You Straight
In case you aren't aware, Ed Hill is an award-winning Taiwanese-Canadian stand-up comedian and podcaster who regularly tours North America and Asia. Ed's tweets have also been featured on "The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon", Buzzfeed, The Huffington Post, and Distractify, so he's pretty damn funny. He immigrated with his parents to Vancouver when he was 10-years-old, and he loves to talk a LOT about his dad. When being interviewed by Raleigh & Company about his newest album, Weirdo Whisperer, he was asked if his dad was proud that he had a new CD coming out. "I don't even think he even knows this whole thing is happening," he joked.
"Tiger dads" are a real thing, and it sounds like Ed Hill has got one. Sometimes dads do have higher expectations for their children than moms do. I remember telling my dad that I wanted to major in journalism and hearing his resigned sigh. "You'll never make any money that way," he said. I hate to say it, but dad was right. At least Ed Hill got to have the last laugh! Granted, becoming a super successful comedian/entertainer doesn't happen every day. Given how many hilarious people are in the world, the odds weren't exactly in his favor. Dads are nothing if not practical AF.
15 Sounds About Right
Has a dad ever purchased "essential oils?" Probably not, at least not where I live. If I say the words "essential oils" to my dad, the only thing I'll be getting is an eye roll.
The essential oil craze has gotten out of hand.
I'm a member of several local "ladies groups" on Facebook, and these women are trying to use essential oils for everything under the sun. Your dog peed on the rug? There's an oil for that. You have an ass rash? Rub some elderberry oil on it. Your husband is having chest pains? Tea tree oil works wonders (no it doesn't, take him to the ER). I'm not saying that essential oils NEVER work- I'm just saying they don't work on everything. They definitely can't be used to fry onion rings, wings, or french fries, and that's what most dads care about. If he can't deep fry an Oreo in it, then throw it in the trash. There's nothing more magical and essential than the oil in a deep-fryer.
I know there are dads out there who care about heart health and avoid fried foods like the plague, but let's continue to use stereotypes for the purpose of this article, mmkay? Don't be a buzz-kill.
I've never met a dad who didn't get a kick out of grossing out his kids. I bet this guy is still reliving the moment he gave all four of his kids the dry heaves.
Dads dream of embarrassing their kids from the day they're born. I once made the mistake of asking my dad what he did in the air force besides fly a desk, and I'm still having nightmares about it. The hubs makes it his personal mission to drive our 12-year-old out of the room with his inappropriate jokes and embarrassing stories. If your dad has never embarrassed you, is he even your dad?
Both my own dad and my baby daddy lack filters, but not all fathers get a thrill out of testing their kids' gag reflexes (must be nice). There are two types of dads in this world- the ones who remain respectful during the wedding toast, and the ones who make their children hold their breath until it's over. My poor kids are going to have to tie their dad up and throw him in a closet on the big day, because he's already got a slideshow of humiliating photos at the ready. Sorry, kids.
13 He's Got A Point
So many memories of my dad involve farting. Is that screwed up? Probably. Every time I'd go into a grocery store with my dad he'd let one rip on aisle five and then bail out before I knew what happened. Do you know how many times I got silently blamed for his ill-timed flatulence? Not only that, but every time we'd run together he'd get right in front of me and fart so I'd speed up. Like I said, I have a lot of memories involving my dad's gastrointestinal issues, but maybe I'm not alone in this world. This tweet gives me hope.
Maybe all dads can destroy a room by passing gas.
Most dads will just shrug or laugh when you accuse them of breaking wind, but this dad truly impressed me with his deep, philosophical response. I'm still thinking about it, and it's true. You really can't hold what's not in your hand. I feel enlightened AF right now. I bet the minute he uttered these words of wisdom he grew a long white beard and gained a following. What other insights does he have for the world regarding body functions? We wait in eager anticipation, Sage One.
12 Dad Burns
This is a quality dad burn. It sounds like something Hank Hill would say to Bobby in King of the Hill.
Like I said before, why can dads get away with saying mean things, but moms can't? Dad's adoption jokes get re-tweeted and featured on The Tonight Show, but if mom jokes about adoption, her kids are on their way to therapy! Can you say double-standard? Dads throw their kids under the metaphorical bus all the time and we all just laugh it off, but sometimes dad-trolling can get a little too personal. Sure, this joke is funny, but too much snark, sarcasm and teasing is bound to be internalized by the child. Kids don't always get adult humor, even though they'll pretend to. All dads want to be "funny guys," but one adoption joke is probably enough to last a lifetime. Dad puns are a safe bet.
I remember (jokingly) asking my dad if I was adopted and he responded with, "you're not that lucky." Okay, then. My dreams of being related to wealthy, gorgeous types were crushed in those four words. I guess there's a chance I could have been put up for adoption and subsequently given back, but I don't think so. Saying that, dad used to tell me that he never had to worry about me being kidnapped because "they'd give me right back." Close enough.
11 I See What You Did There, Dad
My dad doesn't even know who 50 Cent is, so this guy is already winning in my book.
We've all seen those "find your rapper name" things on Facebook. They usually tell you it's "lil'" plus the last thing you ate, which would make my rapper name Lil' Nachos. I don't hate it. At least this dad put some actually thought (and math) into it, which is more than most of us do. I bet this dad goes around telling young people this joke all the time. As far as dad jokes go, it's a pretty good one.
A good dad joke will always make you roll your eyes and smile, and this one does both.
Dad jokes walk a fine line between mildly amusing and cringe-worthy as hell, so you have to be careful. The minute this dad tries to prove that he's 4 times better than 50 cent, things go downhill fast. Let's hope he isn't the type to take the joke too far and start rapping for real. No need for that kind of embarrassment.
My husband's name is Richard, so we get the "rich jokes" all the time. He even bought me a magnet for the fridge that says "chocolate, coffee, men, everything's better rich!" It's pretty bad, but it would be a lot worse if he went by Dick. Small mercies.
10 Lost In Translation
You can't read this tweet without saying "Jesus Applesauce" out loud just to see what it sounds like. Fun, right? Now we all sound like the dad on My Big Fat Greek Wedding.
I would think that if you grew up listening to a thick accent you'd eventually get used to it and not even notice, but this person still needed "five minutes of context clues" to understand their own father. That kind of makes me feel better about not understanding thick accents myself. I hate it when I can't understand someone who's speaking English because of an accent- it's embarrassing AF. They're speaking my own language and I still can't get it right.
This reminds me of that time my very British then-fiancé first met my extended family at a family reunion. He couldn't understand a word my uncle was saying, despite the fact that they were both speaking English (my family is from small-town South Carolina). When Richard asked where the toilet was, my cousin told him to "just follow Diddy." It took him a good five minutes of context clues to realize my cousin was telling him to follow her daddy to the restroom. Even if English is your first language, sometimes things still get lost in translation.
9 Classic Dad Jokes
My dad was never a fan of super corny jokes, but I've met a lot of men who are. I had a friend back in high school who's dad literally called himself "The King of Corny." He'd say things like, "What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese!" Every time we'd groan and beg him to step, but he'd just (attempt) to step up his game. "Want to know a joke about construction? I'm still working on it." Yeah, it was that bad. We once went on a road trip to visit a college campus and the torture went on for hours.
It wasn't enough for her dad to embarrass his own child – his ultimate goal was to embarrass all of us while we were helplessly trapped in his Subaru.
I remember being so happy to get home to my own dad, who was way too stern and quiet to crack lame jokes. Unlike a lot of dads, my dad has never been a joke-teller. His deadpan humor will always take you off guard. Sometimes I'm not even sure if he's trying to be funny at all, but that's so much better than someone who tries too hard. "Dad jokes" really are the worst, but don't count on them going away any time soon. They've become a staple of parenting.
8 Makes Sense
I grew up in the eighties, so when I was little I had never seen my dad without facial hair (that was pretty much every kid in the eighties). The first time I saw a picture of my dad without facial hair was at my Grandma's house and I didn't even realize it was my dad. "Is this Uncle Jimmy?" I asked when I saw the clean shaven young man in a military uniform. My Grandma looked at me like I was an idiot (I was eating an entire bag of marshmallows at the time, so I can't blame her). "No, that's your daddy," she told me. I swear to God, I didn't believe her. I remember finding my older brother and asking him instead, but the answer was still the same. My. Mind. Was. Blown. I didn't realize a dad could NOT have a mustache (I was like 5-years-old, give me a break). I remember finding my dad and accusing him of being an imposter. "YOU DIDN'T HAVE A MUSTACHE," I yelled. What happened next has given me nightmares for years. My dad called my brother over, looked us straight in the eye, and took out his two front teeth. I almost choked on the marshmallows that I was eating, because until that day I figured my dad's two front teeth were real. Nope. He had knocked them out when he was 12-years-old and had a partial ever since. "I lived a whole life before you two were born," I remember him saying. I'm still reliving the trauma of that day. Thanks, Dad!
7 That's A Good One, Dad!
Nothing excites a dad more than coming up with a funny all on his own. I always know when the hubs is about to drop a corny joke by the unmistakable twinkle in his eye. Dads don't care about how cheesy they are, they just want some kind of reaction. A laugh is not necessarily what they're after. I don't know how much time this particular dad spent on this "vowel movement" joke, but clearly it made an impact on his daughter or she wouldn't have tweeted about it.
Do you know how proud most dads would be to have their corny dad joke tweeted at Jimmy Fallon?
If their tweet was actually read on-air then their heads would probably explode with happiness. If you don't know what to get your dad for Father's Day, consider tweeting one of his favorite dad jokes (and make it a good one so it's read on the show). I can't think of one dad (including my own) who wouldn't strut around like a peacock over that kind of accomplishment. Not only does a tweet let your dad know you're thinking of him, it also lets him know you think he's funny. Honestly, that's probably all he's ever wanted.
6 The Porcelain Throne
My dad might not have been a big fan of puns, but he always loved a good "potty humor" joke. This sounds like something he would say. Throughout my childhood, dad used to come up with all kinds of creative ways to say he was going to the bathroom. He would say everything from "drop a deuce," "take the browns to the Super Bowl," "drop the kids off at the lake," "unload some timber," and "drop anchor." That's just a drop in the water, too (see what I did there)? My dad could probably write a book filled to the brim (get it?) with poop euphemisms. What can I say, I am my father's daughter.If dad saw me heading to the bathroom he'd always say something like, "I warmed up the seat for ya!" My southern mama was always horrified by the constant poop jokes, but once dad got started there was no stopping him. I still remember her trying to rectify the situation by saying, "don't say fart, say toot." She was years too late, because dad had been saying "pinch a loaf" and "take a crap" since I was born. Sorry, mom, but you only have your husband to blame.
5 Dad's Got A Point
I see what you did there, Dad!
I don't know why we call them "Depends," because technically the official brand name is just "Depend." I didn't even know that until I looked it up (don't ask me why I looked it up). It's probably the same reason people call Aldi "Aldi's" and Kroger "Krogers."
I understand the concept behind "depend" way better than "depends."
You'd think the marketing team would have seen this coming, because no one wants to admit they have incontinence issues. Saying "pick me up some Depends," is way less humiliating than saying "grab me some of them adult diapers." I get that you're supposed to "depend" on them, but that extra "s" makes all the difference. I think if I had incontinence issues I'd just come up with a code word, and "for sures" would be a good one. Screw it, someone should just take a page from this dad's book and come up with line of adult diapers called For Sures. Their motto could be "gotta' catch 'em all," a la Pokemon. BRILLIANT! In the commercials some old guy could quote this tweet and they would fly off the shelves like hot cakes. Take this idea to Shark Tank!
4 Words Of Wisdom
If you've just broken up with your man, these are the words of comfort you can expect to hear from your dad. Another dad-favorite is "there are plenty of fish in the sea." He's not wrong, though. As torn up as girls get about break-ups, there is always another boy ready and waiting in the wings. Teenage boys really are like buses- they come around every 10 minutes (when they're not late) and they usually smell. The secret is to be careful which one you ride. Joyrides can be fun, but if you have a specific destination in mind (long-term relationship or marriage), just be careful not to get on the wrong one.
Dads don't know how to handle serious situations or give advice without using similes or metaphors. They often comfort brokenhearted daughters by saying things like, "Dating is like jogging on a treadmill with no readout. You’re not sure how fast you’re going or how much longer you have to go, but you keep chugging along because you’re told it’s good for you." Sure, dad.
Dads aren't the only ones using metaphors, though. My 33-year-old single BFF is always saying that men are like parking spots. After a certain age, all the good ones are taken, and the rest are handicapped.
3 Safety First
I'm sure this dad cares about his daughter more than he cares about his guitars, because who else is going to help him keep his babies safe? The guitars can't move themselves to the basement!
This sounds like something my dad would do, except it wouldn't be guitars, it would be his tools.
He wouldn't even deny it, either. He'd probably say something like, "my tools have never talked back to me." Touche, Dad.
Dads will never be "mother hens," and that's okay. That's what we have our actual mothers for. The other day my mom called me because she'd heard it was flooding in North Carolina on the news. I reassured her that the sun was shining and the flooding wasn't happening in my town and she calmed down. I can never imagine that scenario happening with my dad, though. If my dad calls I always figure someone's died or someone's been in a wreck. I think my dad did call once after hearing that a tornado touched down near our house and he asked me if my car had been in the garage because "hail damage is expensive." Dads is always looking out for my car. Good old dad.
2 Puns For Days
This tweet encompasses two ultimate dad goals in one. First, use a cheesy pun. Second, embarrass your daughter in front of her BF. Winning!
I don't know how this boyfriend reacted to this classic dad joke, but I hope he realized he was in the presence of a legend. This is some quality dad trolling, despite the corny play on words. Guys never know what to expect when they meet a girl's father, but anyone who can joke about "safe sax" has got to be pretty chill. It could have been a LOT worse. He could have met my dad.
When I first brought the hubs to meet the fam, my dad was furiously mowing the grass and avoiding introductions like the plague. That's what my dad does when he wants to steer clear of something: yard work, and lots of it. After he finished mowing I figured he'd come inside to say hello (he'd seen us drive up), but NOPE! He just moved on to spreading mulch. Eventually my man ended up going outside and helping dad, and that's probably the best thing he could have done. Nothing gains a dad's respect like blood, sweat and tears (or bagging grass clippings).
1 Dad's Quirky Sense Of Humor
Tweets like this make me really thankful for my serious AF dad, because I hate when someone tries too hard to be funny. Riding in an elevator is awkward enough without having to share it with an amateur comedian. I'm a pretty serious introvert, so when I get on an elevator I look down at my phone and mind my own business and I expect everyone else to do the same. I don't want to deal with polite laughter or small talk! I just want to get from point A to point B, and if that makes me a grouch, then so be it.
If the elevator door opened and some boisterous guy said "come on in, I'm driving," I'd happily catch the next one.
Getting on that elevator would be torture, because the talking wouldn't end there. I'm sure those dad jokes kept flowing until the minute he got off, and his family just had to suffer through them. Not everyone hates situations like these- some people would even call them fun! Stupid extroverts and their weird ways. Give me a quiet elevator ride with a bunch of socially awkward types any day of the week. Don't judge me (but if you do, do it quietly).