Cooking is a pretty divisive thing. It shouldn't be. After all, it's something that basically all of us have to do on a daily basis in some form or another. But it seems like people either love it or they utterly despise it. Pretty much everyone loves the result of cooking. Food isn't just something that our bodies need, it's something that it absolutely wants. Even bad cooking seems to get a good reputation. Don't believe me? Just visit basically any fast-food chain in America.
A visit to any Food Network around the world is a great way to understand what good cooking is. That's because they almost always only show the best chefs on the planet serving up their delicacies. This is especially true of one of the biggest cooking shows ever, Iron Chef. And though it's true what they say, "there's nothing like a home-cooked meal," some home-cooked meals are absolutely dreadful. Like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen bad.
In this article, we will be looking at some meals that even the rats at the dump would reject. Yeah, there's just no way that any of these meals would qualify the cooks who made them for the Iron Chef. But, hey, maybe you should judge for yourself... If your stomach can take it, that is.
Seriously, if you can make it all the way to the end of these brutal looking meals, you deserve some sort of award...
25 Peeps And Heinz
Nothing says, "Iron Chef" quite like a classy package of Peeps dipped in Heinz Ketchup. Firstly, I've never understood the appeal of Peeps, the marshmallow candy. They're basically flavorless calories with zero nutritional value. As for Ketchup, well, I must admit that I'm personally a fan but asking for Ketchup at a classy restaurant, especially in Europe, is like asking the waiter for their kidney. It's an insult to the chef's brilliance. And therefore, anybody on Iron Chef would quickly have someone who used it on the chopping block.
24 Home Catastrophy
If you can't work a stove, there's absolutely no way you'd ever qualify for Iron Chef. In fact, you probably shouldn't even qualify for a stove. Seriously, stoves can be very dangerous instruments and yet, they are provided in almost every single home. I'm sure you can think of a few people who are not good bedfellows for instruments that can reach up to 600 degrees and shoot fire with a click of a button.
How this specific disaster happened, I'm not sure we'll ever know as we can't get into the headspace of somebody this inept.
23 A Woman Who Can Cook
Sure, finding a woman or a man who can cook like nobody else is basically a necessity when finding a partner. I think it may be one of the most important things by far.
Personally, I don't care if the woman who made this dish is Megan Fox, Kate Upton, or Halle Berry, there's no way I'm going within seven meters of her.
Seriously, this dish, complete with dead goldfish, uncooked eggs, and unmelted butter, is just stopped short of completely psychotic. This girl should find herself a straitjacket.
22 Franks And Beans
When you're on a tight budget, there's probably no better meal than Franks and Beans. It's a cheap and easy way to fill your stomach with a good amount of protein. But I'm pretty sure that most people would admit that it's not the tastiest. In fact, it's kind of like eating vomit.
Sure, it's flavourful vomit, but it's vomit nonetheless.
The other thing is, there's no way that a show like Iron Chef would ever tolerate a dish like this. Not unless those beans were from some remote farmland in the Swiss Alps or the hot dogs were made from a unicorn.
21 Not The Cheesecake From 'Friends'
One of my favorite episodes of Friends has got to be The One With All The Cheesecakes. If you live in an apartment building, there's probably been a moment or two where you've wanted to steal your neighbors' mail, especially if that mail happens to be a fruit basket, a box of cookies, or a freshly made cheesecake... Well, that's precisely what happens in Friends.
They stole their neighbors cheesecake after it was accidentally delivered to the wrong apartment.
But unlike the cheesecake in that episode, I'm pretty sure Chandler, Rachel, and Joey wouldn't want to eat this cake off of a floor. Or a plate for that matter.
20 Gary The Goose
If you're going to eat meat, you should have an awareness of where it comes from. Meaning, you should know that you are butchering something for sustenance. I personally think both vegans and meat eaters have solid points when it comes this touchy debate. But one thing they can probably both agree on is that you do have to slay and pluck a goose before shoving it into the oven...
Gary the Goose is not going to go in their willingly, and this guy should have the decency to put him out of his misery before preparing dinner for all of his yacht club friends.
19 Goodnight And Good Luck
Is this person cooking potatoes? Or are those some sort of lettuce? Could they be chicken breasts? No, no... they got to be some sort of root. Maybe ginger? Yeah, it's got to be ginger since he or she is clearly fighting a cold.
You know what? I seriously have no idea.
In fact, it's more of a mystery than why this person thought it was a good idea to use NyQuil instead of water. Well, whatever the reason is, I'm pretty sure nobody is going to see this person for about 77 hours. He's going down for the long sleep.
18 Protein All The Whey
Boys! We get it... you want to look like Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson or Zac Efron. But this seriously can't be your entire diet. You have to add some other ingredients in here. Not to mention, I'm pretty sure all these cows didn't want to die just so you can have an easier time picking up the drunken sorority girl at the club on country night.
Side Note: I find it so insanely sad when people only live their lives to look a certain way. Have they ever heard of ice cream? That basically makes life worth living!
17 Really Hot Pockets
Miny Hot Pockets were basically one of the best parts about being a kid. They came in many different forms, with many different ingredients, under an assortment of different labels.
At the end of the day, no matter what brand you consumed, you almost definitely had these delicious and fatty treats.
There was nothing like sitting in front of the television on a Saturday evening with a pile of Hot Pockets and can of Blue Pepsi.
But when you get older, you learn pretty quickly that these things are a surefire way of having a heart-attack, especially when they've been burnt to a crispy like these ones.
16 When Kids Cook
I can't think of anyone who would prepare a meal like this unless they were a 4-year-old child. Well, I could think of one more, but it would be pretty politically incorrect if I wrote it and I would more than likely lose my job.
I don't think I could think of a less appetizing meal than a banana wrapped in over-cooked, flavorless, spaghetti. Not to mention a banana with over-cooked spaghetti and lead-laced plastic toy cars. Although, one of the cars does look like it's a BMW, so at least there's some class to this meal.
15 Sick, Blue Magic
What kind of sick blue magic is this? I have no idea who would come up with such a strange way of cooking pasta. Did they really think that making this traditional Italian rotini blue would make their lives more interesting?
How bad could things possibly be to make someone do something like this?
I think I should also mention the fact that this meal will taste like absolute garbage. Seriously, Powerade is bad enough on its own, it doesn't need to poison something amazing like pasta. This is absolutely sacrilegious.
14 The Absence Of Support
Life is a lot like putting a pizza in the oven; if it doesn't have support, it's likely to melt into a disgusting, uneatable mess. Think about it, they are so similar. I think I made a very accurate and thought-provoking comparison here. I need compliments, please.
Knowing that one has to put a pizza on a cooking tray or even on tinfoil is a necessity when it comes to making this delicious treat. In fact, if you didn't know that, you probably shouldn't be allowed to eat pizza in the first place.
13 Where's My Glasses?
Losing objects in baking or meals isn't uncommon for elderly people or people with Alzheimer's disease. Hey, it could probably happen to anyone, right?
I suppose it's not that big of a deal unless someone chokes on something like a wedding ring or a nose-piercing.
Or if the heat shatters the glass in these spectacles and someone swallows it.
But even if these things don't happen to the consumer, baking your glasses into a loaf of bread is a surefire way of getting yourself disqualified from Iron Chef.
12 Satan's Meatloaf
Now, there's nothing necessarily inherently bad about the taste of this meatloaf laced in bacon. Or, at least, from what I can tell from the photograph. it doesn't look dissimilar to any other meatloaves — they all look kinda gross. The problem here is obviously the shape it's been made into. And, on Iron Chef, the presentation is vital to a good score. I'm pretty sure the judges, or anyone for that matter, don't want to eat a meal that looks like it could come alive and slay their entire family.
11 Coal For Christmas
It's pretty obvious that Iron Chef would reject anyone who burnt Christmas cookies this badly.
After all, they do kind of look like death. But I think I've found a way to make this all work...
If the theme of the Iron Chef episode had to do with baking food for kids who have been extra naughty, these disgustingly charred mittens and gingerbread men could absolutely be appropriate. After all, who doesn't like giving a bad child a serious case of food poisoning for Christmas?
10 Picasso's SpongeBob
Although this could very well be a rendering of SpongeBob SquarePants done in the style of a Picasso painting, I'm pretty sure it's enough to give any child brutal nightmares. Seriously, this is one disturbing end result. Look at his eyes! He looks like he's dropped one too many drugs in his system, which is not okay since he's a childhood icon.
I feel bad for the parents of the kids who went to this birthday party; they'll be trying to convince their 8-year-olds that a deformed yellow monster isn't trying to attack them until they are about 14...
9 Plastic And Heat
A great chef doesn't necessarily need to be a chemistry expert. They don't need to be able to know all sorts of fancy things about the topic that will allow them to pull off extravagant recipes that would only be served in New York's most fancy restaurants.
But they do need to know basic chemistry; as in, they need to know that plastic gets melted by heat.
They need to know this because they have to be intelligent enough not to cook a cutting board into a souffle, let alone an element...
8 A Little Pepper Does The Trick
Pepper is an amazing spice. It can truly transform an otherwise bland dish into something with real pizzazz. But as any good cook knows, one only needs a pinch of pepper. If you need more than that, there's something drastically wrong with your dish.
Eggs are pretty difficult to mess up. I mean, it's straightforward enough. If you have the talent to crack an egg without dropping pieces of the shell into the egg, you're already half-way there.
What I'm trying to say is, there's no way an egg would require this much pepper in order to transform it into something edible.
7 Cookie Dough Blunder
If I remember the caption of this image correctly, it was implied that the woman who baked these cookies took the dough from cookie-dough ice cream. Apparently, they weren't good enough in the tub of Haagen Dazs and they needed to be transformed into their baked state.
(And that's probably because this woman was probably pretty baked when she did this.)
Why else would anyone destroy perfectly good ice cream in order to make deformed chocolate chip cookie not fit for a Chicago subway rat?
6 Sticky Angel Hair
Yes, I know my title is wrong. This is spaghetti and not angel-hair pasta. But I couldn't help but be reminded of flowing locks when seeing this pasta stick to the pan like this.
You know what's really sad? Pasta is pretty much the easiest thing to cook on the planet and this person was still unable to pull it off. What a degenerate. Someone this inept shouldn't be allowed in public let alone on Iron Chef. Seriously, I'm not sure I would trust them to sit the correct way on a toilet seat.
5 Sliced Egg And Crackers
When you don't want to leave your house to replenish your refrigerator or even go out for a meal, one has to get pretty innovative with what they have in the pantry.
Creativity with meal making is something that Iron Chef values.
Actually, they practically make it mandatory on their show through the inclusion of their secret ingredient. But alongside this secret ingredient is a pantry full of basically any food one could want, so their creativity isn't limited.
However, I'm pretty sure that this person couldn't come up with something remotely appetizing even if he or she had access to unlimited supplies. Sliced hard-boiled egg on a cracker says it all.
4 The Color Yellow
You know you have a bad meal when everything is roughly the same color. That's basically the first sign that something has gone brutally wrong. Seriously, green beans should be... well... I'll let you figure that one out yourself. And mashed potatoes (if that's what that pile of crap is on the right) shouldn't be the same color as the meatloaf next to it.
Color coordination aside, if you're cooking at home, you should really try to avoid making a meal that resembles what inmates are forced to eat in a maximum security prison.
3 3D Whitening Pizza
I've heard of people who have a toothpaste addiction. No, I'm not referring to those who brush their teeth nine to 143 times a day, I'm talking about those who like to eat it.
Yes, eat toothpaste.
It's not just kids who do it, but adults too. Sad, sad adults. Adults with no hope for their future.
If you ask me, the toothpaste is just the icing on the disgusting cake. What kind of sick person puts ketchup on their pizza? I don't care if you're eating three-day-old gas station pizza like this appears to be, ketchup does not belong on it.
2 The Banana Remote
There's no way to determine if this kid put these banana slices in the remote as a replacement for batteries or if he was served these banana slices on the remote. Though it's completely possible that this cute young thing thought he could energize the TV remote with fruit, I think it's far more likely that his parents are just this stupid.
"Why," you ask?
Well, just turn on the news and see how unbelievably moronic half of the population actually is. Seriously, there's a 50/50 chance that this kid's parents thought a banana-remote is an adequate source of protein.
1 Pinterest Gone Atomic
Without a doubt, a ton of Millennials (and their overly-enthusiastic moms) get their recipes from Pinterest. That's because Pinterest has a knack for posting ridiculously good-looking morsels on their site.
And just like other good-looking things, most of these meals are completely unattainable.
Sorry, folks, but a lot of those Pinterest meals are just not in your future, not unless you're a master chef. If you dare to try to pull something off as ridiculous as cake in a mason jar for your next sorority reunion, chances are it'll end up looking like this...