Kindergarten teachers and inspirational speakers would have us all believe that every idea that worms its way into our head is a good one. This. Is. False. We're not trying to squash anyone's creativity, and we think the average person's best resource is their imagination, but we're just saying that not everything we think up should be said, let alone acted on. While it's important to dream and to believe that the impossible is possible, it's also important to sort the gold nuggets out from the rubbish, crap notions and toss the latter in a dumpster behind a fast food place so that they never see the light of day.
Ideas are a good thing to have, but not everyone is a good that ought to be utilized. Sadly, some people, due to their lack of foresight, don't know which of their notions are good and which of them are, well...not so good. And that's how we figure these people managed to mess up so badly. Before any of us get any more ideas, we figure we would all be better off by observing these 25 light bulbs that never should've gone off in these peoples' heads, and take notes so we can avoid their mistakes.
25 This is a perfectly normal hobby...right?
If there's a better way for a person to spend their time than by sending their hair salon sinister pictures of themselves in response to those run-of-the-mill "hey, how well do you think we did our job"? texts, then we have yet to discover what that way is. Some people like baseball, some people like video games, some people like to destroy their neighbors' mailboxes with a baseball bat in the middle of the night. We say, to each their own, but personally, our favorite pastime is, and always will be, sending strange images of ourselves to people who didn't ask. It produces a natural high, what can we say.
We're glad to see that this guy gets where we're coming from. It's always nice to find someone else enjoying the things we enjoy because it helps us relate to our fellow humans, and isn't that what—wait a minute. We don't look that creepy when we send these kinds of pictures our hair salon, do we? Yikes! This is just creepy! We can't believe nobody told us what we've been doing all these years was so messed up! No wonder our hair stylist hired a bodyguard. Maybe we should find a new hobby...
24 Grandpa should have had more training
Grandfathers are worth their weight in gold. They're kind and patient and loving. They go above and beyond not just for their own kids, but especially for their grandchildren. They'll do anything to make us happy and to spend time with us, and that thought alone is enough to make us melt into a big puddle of squee-induced tears, but we're trying to keep it together right now because needs must. Anyway, grandfathers are always doing things for their grandbabies, and whether that thing is building a tree house for them, fixing a toy for them or taking pictures of them on their high school graduation day, they always undertake the task with the utmost seriousness.
Unfortunately, sometimes not all the love in the world can make up for a grandpa's lack of photography skills. Or technology skills, for that matter. They say that love can conquer all, but this is the one area that they neglected to take into account because, rest assured, love can't conquer an inability to take pictures. Oh, well. At least that one picture in the upper right is okay. Kind of. Well, no, it's not, we were just trying to be upbeat, but there's obviously little room for optimism in this case.
23 We don't remember this part of Goldilocks and the Three Bears
After seeing this person's definition of "making good use of the drone", we shudder to think what their definition of "making bad use of the drone" would look like. *Shivers* Ugh. Best not to think about it. Besides, we don't need to imagine anything more worrisome than this scenario. We question the person who dreams up a scheme like this. Flying one of those giant Valentine's Day bears around on the drone just to startle the neighbors? That's sick! It's twisted and sadistic and, yeah, we mean, it's funny, too, but still. Come on.
There is still a line, and this person has crossed it.
If we were walking home one day, minding our own business, and we saw this thing coming at us from the sky, we can say right now how that would go down. First things first, our pants would be wet instantly, but that's pretty much a given. Second, there would be tears. Third, or perhaps second part two, we would be screaming at the top of our lungs like a newborn baby. And, lastly, we would do more running than we ever have in our entire life. The moral of the story is please don't chase us with drone bears. Thanks.
22 Well, when you put it that way, we guess it does sound silly
We consider ourselves a Joe Six-Pack—light on the "Joe" since that's not actually our name, and heavy on the "Six-Pack" because we are always down to drink an alcohol, anytime, any place. We're not picky, either. If you've got beer, we'll drink a beer. If you've got wine, we'll drink some wine. If it's in a box, then so much the better because we've got a ton of those little kid size juice box straws (don't ask why), and we're just itching to sip something that will get us drunk through them.
Yes, that's right. We love the drinks, and we don't care who knows it. We don't even care if people think we're drinking sunscreen to get to the alcohol. That's not our problem, that's their problem, and they can deal with it or not. Society is all a meaningless construct, anyway, so who cares if Candace Whatsherface and her husband Dirk Whogivesacrap sitting in lawn chairs two beach umbrellas down thinks we're guzzling sunscreen? Maybe drinking that S.P.F. helps us unwind and relax with our friends. You don't know. Who are you to judge us?! *Takes a swig of sunscreen booze, wipes mouth on the back of our sunburned hand*
21 This is the saddest thing we've ever seen
We've seen some pretty sad things in our day, let us tell you. And while most of those sad things we've happened to see were in a mirror (oh, snap! Burn, us!), we've also seen some pretty upsetting things in the real world, too. Like this one time, we saw a sympathy card. That was sad. And this other time, we saw a season finale of Doctor Who. That was also sad, possibly even more sad than the sympathy card. But out of all of the sad things we've seen, this one takes the cupcake for the title of the saddest sad thing we've ever seen.
This thing is a glorified paddle ball, but at least there's only supposed to be one player with paddle ball.
Everybody knows you have to have two people for ping pong—whoops! Sorry, we mean table tennis. Pfft! What is this, a prep school? That's another thing. We're not snobs, okay? We're calling this a ping pong table built for one, not that that makes it any less pathetic, but at least it takes away some of the unnecessary pretentiousness. Then again, it doesn't really matter what you call this thing because it leads to the same conclusion: you have no friends.
20 D-I-Y would anyone ever call a professional?
We don't get it. Why would you call a professional and pay them an absurd amount of money per hour to come in and solve your problem when you're fully capable of solving your problem your own dang self? Makes not a lick of sense if you ask us—and, let's face it, everyone wants to know our opinion on this subject. We know we certainly do. Look, point is, if you know how to DIY something, you should just go ahead and do it. To spend money to have something professionally repaired is as nonsensical as buying a Louis Vuitton purse when you could run down to Hobby Lobby, buy one of those blank canvas bags and some stamps, and make a knock-off version yourself.
What this person did is beautiful. They saw a problem, and instead of calling someone to come save their bacon, they saved their own bacon. After ingesting a couple of beers (which may or may not have been secreted away in a sunblock flask), they went out into the garage, fired up their chainsaw and fixed it so they could pull their pickup truck in there with no problems. We salute this person, whoever they are, and you should, too.
19 People will definitely pay extra for mascara that clumps
Yes! Finally, somebody had the guts to make a mascara that clumps! We have been waiting our entire adult lives, and part of our teenaged lives, for this moment, and now that it's finally happened? *Sniffs* This is just...it's amazing, it really is. It's wonderful. We're so happy because now, kids who are just starting to use mascara won't have to work so hard to make their mascara clump together—which can be a real pain in the posterior, we'll have you know. They'll have this self-clumping mascara, so they'll have no problems whatsoever. We're so glad the younger generation won't know the mascara clumping struggle we had to endure.
No, Maybelline. Just...no.
We've never seen a company acknowledge one of their product's faults, and moreover, we've never seen a company actually attempt to make their customer base accept said problem and embrace it. These people have to know that we're all trying to prevent our mascara from clumping, right? they have to know this looks bad, don't they? Nobody in their right mind would try to tell someone that clumped mascara is a good look, let alone try to sell a product based on that wrongheaded, totally misguided belief. Sorry, we're not buying it—literally and figuratively.
18 Good grief, sign, calm down!
We can only imagine how many relationships have crumbled to pieces at this sign's hands. Look, you're already a DNA lab. People know the minute they walk through your doors what they're signing themselves up for. Finding out if you're a dad or not is a big deal, and anyone who steps inside this place is probably fully cognizant of that. So you can stuff that sass in your back pocket and keep it there, sign. We don't need so little chill from an advertisement, we've got enough on our plate.
Why does this sign act as an attorney in a crime drama? It's so brutal and vicious. It's like the whole business is run on copious amounts of uncalled for. If we were in the market for DNA testing, you couldn't pay us to go to this place. Granted, we don't have any kids that need to be DNA tested, nor do we need our DNA tested. But if we did? We would *so* boycott this place. We'll be darned if we shop for chromosome analysis (or whatever it is those places do) at a place that roasts us first thing. At least wait until you get to know us before you start the name-calling. Gee whiz.
17 Queen Elizabeth I is so jealous of this girl
We read once that Queen Elizabeth I plucked her eyebrows out, and if that's the case, then we bet she's so jealous of this girl. Or, at least, she would be if she were, you know. Still alive. But, anyway, the 1500's this ain't, and shaved off eyebrows aren't ~in~ anymore, which means this look isn't a fashion statement, it's an unfortunate mistake. Before this girl goes shaving off her other brow in a boredom-induced moment of shenaniganry, she should put down the razor and find something else to do. And it could be anything. A coloring book, a game of Sudoku, a crossword puzzle.
Any activity, no matter how lame, is preferable to removing one's own eyebrow.
This just goes to show you how dangerous it is to become bored. You find yourself with a little free time on your hands and, before you know it, you've shaved bits of hair off of various parts of your head for likes on social media. It's a slippery slope, boredom, and that's why we're such outspoken activists for anti-boredom activities, such as the aforementioned hobbies, also including, but not limited to: camping, crocheting, sketching, re-potting plants, wiping off countertops, greasing tools so they function properly, and much more.
16 Well, we weren't going to, but now we want to
We don't stay in hotels, and not because we don't have any friends, and therefore, have no one to visit out of town, but because they're icky and yucky and blech. Do you know how many people have stayed in those beds? Yeah, neither do we, and we don't want to know. The very thought is enough to make us want to crawl out of our own skin, so there's no way we'd pay someone upwards of a hundred bucks to stay in one of those used beds for a night. They should be paying us to stay there because paying to stay there is a total rip off.
That said, hotels are pretty interesting. Think about in the movies. Every time a character goes to a hotel room, you just know a plot point is going to unfold itself, and since life is exactly like the movies, why would it be any different in the real world? We've never done a rubbing on the notepad they keep in hotel rooms, but now that we know it's an option, we kinda want to. Hozier, why did you tell us not to do this when you knew that, in so doing, you would make us want to do this?!
15 Looks like somebody's a big fan of the sunscreen flask
Some people, we won't say who because we don't want to embarrass anyone (looking at you, us), but these anonymous people have a tendency to drink too much on occasion, and when they do, they get what physicians call "hangovers". Doctors still have no idea why hangovers happen, however they theorize that this strange phenomenon is directly related to the amount of drinks that one consumes the night before, but, again, there's no solid data to back this up.
However, these strange bouts of headaches and vomiting occur, the fact remains that there's only one way to cure them—greasy food.
When you feel a hangover coming on, all you can do is eat junk food until you feel less like you don't want to live anymore. Shove your face full of pizza or cheeseburgers or whatever tickles your fancy at the time, and don't stop until you empty your belly one way or another, or you fall asleep. Hangovers are hard, and, let's face it, they often lead to bad ideas. We're not saying we don't admire Dave for doing what we've all dreamed of doing, but this is one light bulb that would've been better off not flickering on in his head.
14 Early 2000's, what were you thinking?!
Okay, now we know that this is going to be hard for some of you, and by some of you we mean all of you, but it's been 18 years, and if we don't discuss it now, there's a good chance we never will. So. Let's talk about the early 2000's, shall we? We were still pretty young during that decade, so we don't remember much. To us, the 2000's were just a haze of denim, hoop earrings, Tamagotchis and flip phones. Which actually doesn't sound so bad, but trust us, the 2000's? Ha! They were a lot more tumultuous than most people realize. This purple ketchup is just one of the many reasons why we're ecstatic that the 2000's are behind us.
Actually, we don't remember much else about the 2000's, so we guess this little discussion is unwarranted. We thought we remembered more, but we don't, and while we're perfectly capable of Googling it, we're not going to make that move because we're not too sure we'd like what we find. So, if you don't mind, purple squeezy ketchup, we'll just sit over here and remember the 2000's as we knew it: all side ponytails and Razor scooters and "Mr. Brightside" on the boomboxes.
13 Nailed it!
Brandon's cousin—we don't know what his real name is, but we've decided to call him Steve because a) whenever there's a generic character in a TV show or a movie, his name is always Steve, and b) because it's a nice name—Steve must have imagined himself to be so clever when he got this text from a stranger saying that they had found Brandon's phone and needed help returning it to him. He probably felt that light bulb go off in his head and immediately patted himself on the back, not realizing that light bulb would have been far better off had it been smashed to bits.
It's always sad when one person's bright idea turns out to be another person's facepalm.
This guy's light bulb of an idea is pretty inconsequential. We mean, nothing devastating is going to happen because of this little hiccup, it only resulted in an unfortunate bit of funniness. But still, we get the feeling that Steve has a tendency to make these kinds of errors on a regular basis, and for that reason, we ask his landlord to cut off his electricity. With all those malfunctioning light bulbs going off in his head, he could start a fire.
12 Maybe you should stop doing that, then
We love how this person is grossed out by the fact that the cleaning people haven't picked up the trash that they've been sticking down between their and their neighbor's desk when in reality they should be grossed out by the fact that they ever thought to do that in the first place. Maybe the reason why the janitors haven't picked that crap up is that they figured this office space was occupied by adults who throw their refuse in an appropriate receptacle, not immature children who stuff their orange peels and crumpled up plastic baggies in between computers. Did you ever think of that, Mr and/or Mrs. Smarty Pants?
Some people just want to watch the world burn. Other people just want to watch their business park become infested with vermin. Geez, where's that one Archer meme that says, "Do you want ants? Because that's how you get ants," when you need it? If the problem is too much litter in the office, shouldn't the solution be to stop throwing litter in the office, as opposed to blaming the cleaning people for your bad habits? If we knew who your mom was, we would SO tell on you right now.
11 You'll fit right in! Kind of! Maybe!
Kids are vulnerable and impressionable. They're also unpredictable when it comes to what information they take in, which means that thing that you just did that was very bad, but is also a thing you do so often, you didn't even think twice about it when you did it just now in front of them, has been etched into their delicate little psyche, and will remain there for the rest of their lives. Sure, the teachers and staff may not bat an eye at this mishap, but Gabriel? He's going to be saddled with this psychological baggage for years to come.
From now on, Gabriel's gonna believe he sticks out like a sore thumb, and it's all because of a stupid construction paper puzzle piece.
In attempting to teach these small children that they all fit together in the jigsaw puzzle that is life, they've inadvertently left one rugrat out in the cold. If Gabriel's the kind of kid who takes everything to heart, then this puzzle piece is going to lead to him living a life of solitude and singularity. He's going to think he's a loner at heart, even if he isn't really, and it's all because of this puzzle piece. Shame, really.
10 What's French for "this is so wot, we can't even"?
Craft stores try to do the whole interior decor thing, they probably want to try to cash in on more than just art supplies, but it seems like it never goes well. Like one time, we were shopping for beads, gonna try to make some friendship bracelets, it didn't go well, but that doesn't matter. What does matter is that we decided to skim through the decorations section before we hit up the checkout, and we saw a sign that said, "No matter where I serve my best, they seem to like my kitchen guest." Guess someone at the sign making factory didn't get enough sleep one night, and that's how "best" and "guest" got switched out.
We've seen lots of typos in those witty sayings signs, so we can't say we're surprised to see this PARAS sign. We are disappointed, though. Come on, people, we're looking at the word "PARIS", and we see an "A" right there, second letter, you can't miss it! Now, doesn't the letter "A" look more like the Eiffel Tower than the letter "I"? It doesn't take a genius to figure this out, please pull your head out of your backend and get it together already!
9 Yeah, that's right! We're ju—wait...what?
We don't know who this Larry L. Archie guy is—well, we mean, we know that he's an attorney, we read the sign, so we can tell that much—but we're big fans. We can tell from his billboard here that Larry's not the kind of guy who's going to sugarcoat stuff for you so that it goes down easier. He's going to give it to you straight. He's going to tell you like it is. There's no beating around the bush with Mr. Larry L. Archie. Heck, he knows his clients are guilty. He won't pretend they're not. But! Just because they're guilty? That doesn't mean they did it.
Mr. Archie's slogan is what every attorney's slogan secretly is, but he's the only attorney brave enough to say it out loud.
We admire Larry's candid nature, but we can't imagine how hard it would be for a lawyer to know that their client did something, but had to convince a judge and a jury that they didn't do it—in other words, we can't imagine how hard it is for lawyers to do their job. Maybe there's nothing out of the ordinary about Larry L. Archie, but at least he's honest. Kinda.
8 *Googles "how to make rosary out of uncooked macaroni"*
Tattoos are interesting to us no matter what they're of because they're so personal. If you get something inked onto your body, something that's destined to stay there forevermore, then it's got to be something you feel deeply about, right? That's the way we figure it, anyway. You would only want to wear something forever if it was very special to you, and since that's the line of thinking that we're going along with, that implies that this person, whoever they may be, holds praying Hamburger Helper mascot hands in great regard. And that makes us feel...weird...and a little hungry.
Prayer is important for a lot of people, and faith is deeply personal, so the last thing we want to do is pry, but, we gotta ask. What religion is this person a member of that they pray with Hamburger Helper glove hands? What kind of pasta-loving faith out their requires its members to beseech their own personal Almighty with a rosary made of uncooked macaroni noodles? And, most importantly, what was this person smoking when they agreed to have this image tattooed on a part of their body? Because that stuff produced one wild ride of a high, we'd like to get in on that.
7 We don't know what this is, but we want it framed and on the wall of our living room, stat!
Strange calendars are our obsession. We've found one at a dollar store once, it was called "Pigs in the Garden" and it was a bunch of old pigs dressed up like people, pulling weeds and sitting on tractors and picking tomatoes. Who the heck asks for a calendar like that, you know? 'Course, that wasn't even the weirdest calendar we found. We've had calendars with themes like "Doctors Playing Dress Up", "Postal Workers Are Poetry in Motion", "Gas Station Workers Can Be Gymnasts, Too!" and of course, our personal favorite, "Nuns Re-imagined as Greeters at Walmart".
We'd pay an arm and a leg for a weird calendar featuring old ladies and their pet frogs, and if you think we're joking, hand us that bone saw and we'll show you just how serious we are.
We have so many questions. Why does this woman have a frog? Why is she taking a picture of it? Why is the picture she's taking such a close close-up? Who's that guy in the painting back there? Is that woman across the room just this lady's reflection, or are there two people taking pictures of frogs in this room? Is this some kind of amphibian worshiping cult? And, if yes, can we join?
6 We'd rather deal with the stubble
Maybe it's just us, but when it comes to razors and other sharp and potentially dangerous instruments, we're always careful to be, well, careful. Extra careful, even, because, really, can you ever be too careful when it comes to things that slice and dice? 'Cause we're betting on no. This person, on the other hand, apparently doesn't know what "being careful" even means. That's one concept they're not acquainted with. They're all like, "Pfft! Safety? Who's safety? They sound wicked lame!" That's what we imagine they said before they hooked up their new razor head to this set of needle nose pliers.
Our hands aren't steady enough to apply our clumpy Maybelline brand mascara in the mornings without getting that stuff all over our eyelids and temples. What makes you think we have enough confidence in our hand-eye coordination that this DIY life hack could ever be considered a plausible alternative for us, should we ever run out of razor handles? We would cut ourselves so fast, it wouldn't even be funny. We appreciate this person's attempt the fact that this person was probably just trying to help us out, but we're saying no thanks. We would rather just deal with the stubble.
5 Add this to the growing list of things we didn't want to see
We've seen and done a lot of things in our lives, but there are still a lot of other things that we would like to see and do. One thing we would like to see, for instance, in the Grand Canyon. One thing we would like to do, for instance, is hop on a pogo stick for more than three times in a row. Those are just a couple of for instances to give you an idea of who we are as a person. We know. It's pretty sad the situation that is us.
Before this person Googled this, they should have asked themselves, "Could there be a reason as to why Mike Wazowski only had one eye?"
See, this is the problem with society! We're always so concerned with whether or not we can do something that we don't even stop for a few minutes and ponder whether or not we should do that thing, tempting as it is to do it. Yes, it's true. Mike Wazowski only has one eye. And, again, yes, it's true that Mike Wazowski could have two eyes. But is that really what you want to see on the internet? You could be looking at memes or watching dog GIFs, for crying out loud!
4 Because his head is filled with bad ideas
Kids, especially teenagers, do things that kind of make sense, but really don't. Like, you might see a toddler trying to shove a square peg through a round hole or vice versa while they're playing with their shape sorting toy, and, yeah, admittedly that doesn't make a whole lot of sense. But teenagers will do things that do make sense, but don't, like they'll make sandwiches, but not peanut butter and jellies or ham and Swiss, they'll make ham and jelly or peanut butter and Swiss sandwiches. Are you picking up what we're putting down?
Teens are old enough to do things that sort of make sense, but not completely. We mean, just check out what kind of antics this kid is up to. He's using a PVC pipe like a giant straw, and he's drinking puddle water. Why? We don't know, we guess he's thirsty. But you can see how a toddler wouldn't put the two and two together, and how a teenager might. See, teens are old enough to know how to use their bodies to manipulate objects with dexterity, but they're just young enough to come up with stupid, potentially unhealthy ideas like this one. We hope there weren't any tadpoles in that puddle. Blech!
3 Ah, this must be pipe boy's dad
Like father, like son. So we see we've inadvertently stumbled upon Pipe Puddle Drinking Boy's father, Stand On The Door Because You're Too Lazy To Look In The Supply Closet For A Step Ladder guy. And don't ask us how we know these two ninnies are related, okay? Because we think it's obvious. This level of stupid is clearly hereditary, which is good because that means some lucky people are immune to it, but it's also bad because it means there are a lot of goofballs like this guy out there, doing dumb things and making us shake our heads in unison.
Hey, why's he so interested in what's up there, anyway?
Is that a trap door that leads to this school's attic? Gasp! Is that where the school keeps their Christmas lights and all of the old toys the kids grew out of, but that they don't want to try to sell at the garage sale yet because they want to see if the kids have kids and if their kids want the old toys? We bet that's the case, but if it is, they really should make their attic access more, you know, accessible, because there's no way this is up to code.
We love Christmas, so when we look at this kid's Nan and Grandad, part of us wants to break out the ugly yet festive sweaters, pour a tall glass of spiked eggnog and watch A Christmas Story until it's time to open presents. But at the same time, this picture is pretty unsettling, so while half of us wants to get all holly jolly, the other half of us wants to scream and cry. This is a roller coaster of emotions that we didn't know we even strapped ourselves into. How did this happen?
Turns out snowmen should stay exactly that. Snowmen. That is men (and women) who are made completely out of snow. Let's not go dressing up as those things from now on, alrighty dighty? Because you might think that sounds all fun and whimsical, but take it from these grandparents, all of that whimsy and adorability gets lost in translation. In the end, you don't wind up with a cute picture for the family scrapbook, you wind up with a bunch of freaked out grandchildren and a slew of frustrated parents who can't understand why you two came to Christmas luncheon looking like Frosty the Snowman meets The Conjuring.
1 Uh...what will he do to us if we don't?
The way this is worded, along with the picture of that clearly blood-thirsty kid underneath it, this whole thing feels less like the people at the blood bank are imploring us to donate blood, and more like they're threatening us. Sure, they're asking us nicely to drop by and give some of our blood, but we're getting a certain vibe. An unsettling vibe. A vibe that says that they're not donating the blood to people in need at all, but rather they're feeding it to this vampiric kid, and if he's not satisfied, he'll hide in our closet, wait 'til we're fast asleep and then drain us dry.
So the real reason they want people to give blood is so this kid can shower in the essence of the departed? That's sick! But, also, very metal.
We're not saying we condone this ad, in fact, we most assuredly do NOT. If you ask us, this whole premise was one light bulb in some advertising expert's head that never should have been screwed into the socket. Some ideas should never come to fruition, and if this literally out for blood child isn't enough to convince you of that, then we don't know what can.