Some people think social media will be the downfall of society. They say social media has made people vain, uneducated and superficial. While we totally see where they're coming from, we're not sure we agree with them on that. The way we figure it, people have always been this way, it's just that with social media sites like Twitter and Facebook, these people have an outlet to display their vanity, lack of education and superficiality, and with all of these people parading their annoyingness around all at once, it only seems like there are more morons out there than ever before, even though there probably aren't.
Still, we will say that we don't think everyone has what it takes to sign up for social media. All too often, as ridiculous as it sounds, people share information they shouldn't, like social security numbers and passwords. And when they do that and you see it as you're scrolling through your dashboard or whatever, it's hard not to be disappointed in society. Come on over here and have what little hope you've got left in humanity forcibly ripped from your hands by checking out these 25 people who probably aren't qualified to be posting on social media, TBH.
25 Way to drop the ball
When you log onto social media, no matter what the site, you're going to see some things that will make you want to pull the blinds, draw the curtains, construct a blanket fort in the middle of your living room, binge-watch Disney movies and never emerge. You will want to retreat to your happy place and turn off the world. We don't blame you one bit, fam. We are so with you. Sometimes the world becomes too much, with its blech and its ick and its meh. See? There aren't even words to adequately describe the world's...blah-ness. And when you're done, you're done.
One of the things that makes us *teenage girl voice* so done with the world is when people pass up perfectly good opportunities. Whether they miss their chance to make an inside joke or a quality pun—or, in this case, both—that makes us unreasonably angry, and we won't stand for it. Instead, we will sit for it. We'll sit in our office chair behind our desk and we'll take off our glasses and rub the bridge of our nose and be filled with disappointment, like our dad used to be when we showed him our report card when we were young.
24 You can, but only once
Maybe this is insensitive, but if you're fool enough to deep fry your food in motor oil, then you deserve to reap the consequences of that decision. The more we see disappointing shenaniganry like this, the less we want to live on this planet. We just...we don't know how much longer we can take it. It's starting to get to us, to wear us down, to eat away at our psyche. And this picture? Well, this is the jewel in the crap crown.
Yahoo Answers is a goldmine of ignorance. If you want to see the worst that this society has to offer, peruse that site at your leisure. You'll see enough stupidity to last a lifetime.
Hey, we thought the aliens were going to invade by now, so what gives? How come we haven't seen any ovoid-shaped headed green people with big bug eyes wandering around? Where are the flying saucers? Where are the unidentified flying objects? We want on. We want a piece of that, and we are willing to fill out whatever forms and applications necessary to get the flip off this planet. What do we need, a passport? A reference? We can obtain those things, just tell us what to do!
23 Put your umbrellas away, people, you're not a toddler anymore
Yes, when you reach a certain point in your life, you realize that it's time to put away your childish things. Time to put away your Barbie dolls and your Hot Wheels. Time to throw all of your Legos in a box and tote them up to the attic. Time to collect all of the spare Beanie Babies that you have lying all over the house, toss them in a garbage bag and take them to the Goodwill place to donate. There's no point in keeping these children's playthings around anymore once you've matured. That would be ridiculous!
As with training wheels, pacifiers and those rubber anti-bed wetting sheets, there comes a time when every adult has to say to themselves, "Okay, I'm 18-years-old now. It's time to retire the umbrella. For though it has been my childhood companion, I am far too mature for such objects." At least, that's what this person would have you believe. We had no idea that there was an age limit to umbrellas. Maybe once you graduate high school, you're supposed to receive complimentary waterproofing, like that microfiber couch we got a few years back. Can anyone confirm this? We had no idea this was the case.
22 Close, but no cigar
One of the goof ups that we see the people of social media make all too often is when they assume that nobody else on the face of the Earth has eyes. They're so obsessed with obtaining followers and likes and comments and reblogs/retweets that when they post fake content and take fake pictures, they neglect the small details. Consider this person for example. They thought they would be able to trick anyone who read their post that it was so sweltering in their state, hot chocolate accessories were spontaneously combusting.
Not only is that marshmallow on fire, so is this lying liar's pants.
Hey, we've been to Arizona. We know that it gets wicked hot there. We mean, it's all desert, for crying out loud! And deserts are known for two, maybe three things: sand, cacti and heat. We have no doubt that it's within the realm of possibility that marshmallows might be able to catch fire in Arizona. All's we're saying here is that this is not one of those cases. Still, why let a perfectly good roasted marshmallow go to waste? Break out the graham crackers and chocolate bars! This social media fake out calls for some s'mores!
21 That's the only kind of bear we want to see on our hike
Online news articles are so great. The best way to catch up on the latest news over a cup of coffee in the morning. But you don't have to read them at home, you can read them anywhere—on the bus during your ride to work, at the movie theater while waiting for that new film to start, at your nephew's bris to try to distract yourself from the screaming. These sorts of headlines are always entertaining and informative. Wow, what a time to be alive, eh? It blows our mind to think about it.
We have no problem with headlines—or at least, if we do, it has nothing to do with the publishers who thought up the headline, and everything to do with the nincompoops behind the headline. For instance, we saw a headline in our local newspaper recently about a guy who super glued his eyelids shut. We have no problem with that headline, but we got a lotta issues with the fool who did that. Anyway, our main problem is most people choose weird images to go with their headlines, and we don't get that. Why the flip phone? Why the panda? Is this picture from an anime convention in the early 2000's? What's the deal?!
20 He's there on the Can't Spell For Beans Scholarship
Alright, fine. Okay. You've got us. So we have no way of proving that this guy (the one who spelled "college" like "cholidg", not the person taking the picture) is posting whatever paragraph that he's typing up to social media. We have no evidence to back that up, it is a bold assertion on our part. But, stay with us on this. Even if this guy wasn't about to post what he's written to his Tumblr account or his Facebook page, is this still the kind of person that you think should be putting stuff on social media? Because we can't speak for you people, but we're sayin' nah.
If you're a college-age student, and you can't even spell "college", then pursuing higher education might be a moot point at this juncture.
What this guy needs to do is quit farting around and pay attention to what his professor is saying. If he still doesn't understand what's going on, then he needs to drop a few grade levels, go back to the 3rd grade, start from there and work his way back up. We're going to need to see a drastic improvement in his basic vocabulary skills before we'll be convinced he's cut out for university.
19 He's a teller of tall tales
Don't get us wrong here. We're not saying that people should have to obtain special qualifications in order to post on the internet, it's just that...hey, wait a second. That actually doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Yeah, this could work! What we need to do is force people to take some kind of basic internet comprehension quiz before they're allowed to sign up for social media. Normally we're not big fans of rules and regulations, but we think this one is called for at this point. Can you imagine all of the dumb that we could prevent by enacting such a rule? Sigh. Well, we can dream, anyway.
This post. It never should have made its way to the world wide web. We don't deserve to have to look at this, but you know what else? This girl doesn't deserve to have to put up with it, either. If she really, genuinely, honest to goodness believes that her bae got beat up and that he wasn't out there philandering, then she's too gullible, too cinnamon rolly sweet for him. She needs herself a boo who won't pull the wool over her eyes like this, because this is pathetic on multiple levels.
18 Where's Mavis Beacon when you need her?
"Backwards B"? What? Oh, you mean a lowercase D! Here, we've constructed a helpful walkthrough for you. You've got your b, that is your lowercase B, located in the bottom row of your keyboard between the V and the N. Then you've got your d, that is your lowercase D, which is located on the home row between the s and the f. If you want to make that nifty d^_^b symbol, simply tap the corresponding keys on your keyboard, and if you want to capitalize any of the letters for whatever reason, hit the shift key while simultaneously pressing the letter you want to type, like this:
WHO DO WE LOOK LIKE, MAVIS BEACON? IF YOU WANNA LEARN HOW TO TYPE, GET A TYPING TUTOR CD-ROM!
As if the fact that this guy felt the need to post to Facebook that he was listening to a good song weren't enough to convince you that he has no business on social media, he sealed his own fate by asking one of the most confoundingly stupid questions in all of history. Thanks for playing Are You Smart Enough To Facebook? with us pal, but it looks like you lost this round. Better luck next time!
17 To be fair, it *is* in very good shape
This person says that a folded over Ritz Cracker is "very very rare," but we would like to know what kind of qualifications they have to be making that statement. Unless they work at a Ritz Cracker manufacturing plant, or unless they have eaten two to three boxes of Ritz Crackers every day since the day they were born, we don't know how they can statistically prove that statement. We're sorry, but we question their cracker knowledge and what makes them think that they have the authority to be making a claim like that. But even if this is a rare cracker, why in the world do they think someone out there would want to buy it?
Maybe you guys have better things to do than to browse ebay for strange, random, ultimately useless crap, but we certainly don't, and we can tell you there's some weird stuff on those auction sites. We've seen mermaid mummies consisting of monkey skeletons sutured to fish tails. We've seen dentures said to have belonged to dead famous people. We've seen all manner of SMH-ery, but we ain't never heard of no husband and wife team trying to sell no Ritz Crackers. We weren't ready for this nonsense.
16 *Inhales, coughs* Good thing they told us!
Sheesh! Make a liar out of us why don't you, headline? Only a few minutes ago, we said we didn't get angry at headline makers, only at the people who make the headlines necessary, but this time, it's the other way around! Hey, we have no doubt that the scientists behind this naked mole rat study worked hard to uncover this data. We're sure they observed the heck out of those rodents, and even though we don't fully understand why they needed to know how long mole rats can hold their breath, we're not going to criticize them for finding that out.
We have better things to do than to have breath-holding contests with rodents, like avoiding our responsibilities and making fun of people on the internet.
We question this publication's choice of words in this instance. We mean, thanks for looking out for us, Popular Science, but you ain't gotta worry. We're in no danger of entering a breath-holding contest with varmints. But thank goodness you told us not to bother getting into breath-holding contests with these little guys, because, who knows? If we run out of things to do, we might have given that a shot had you not warned us ahead of time.
15 Maybe she doesn't need a sugar daddy, maybe she just needs a job
This girl can afford to surf the internet, but she can't fork out seven-dollars for a baseball cap? And it's not even like it's that great of a baseball cap, either, it just says "BAD HAIR DAY" and we're, like, a 99-percent positive that that is a message that you can convey to other people verbally. If you're really so broke that you can't pay less than ten bucks for a hat, there's no need to fret because telling people, "Hey, my hair didn't cooperate with me this morning, my 'do is suffering today, so please just bear with me," is completely free. It costs absolutely nothing. You can't afford not to say that.
If she strolled around town for a day with her eyes peeled, we bet you she could find enough cash to afford this less than stellar hat.
It's going to take a little bit of effort, there's no denying that, but in the grand scheme of things, traipsing through parking lots and down sidewalks is easier on the body and on the conscience than obtaining and administering sugar to a sugar daddy. This girlie needs to think things through next time, because she's this close to losing her social media privileges.
Yikes! Don't worry, kid, we won't mess with you! Gee whiz, settle down a bit there. If you didn't want anyone to bother you, all you had to do was say so. No need to post threatening images like this to Snapchat. We get the picture. In fact, we're so dedicated to not messing with you that we would actually rather get into a breath-holding contest with a naked mole rat. Congratulations! You found the one thing that could convince us to hold an impromptu respiratory control competition with a rodent. You should feel proud. Also, you should get some makeup remover and take that eyeliner down a notch. What is that, Sharpie? That can't be good for your skin.
We don't know if it's the fact that his nails aren't the sharp talons that he wants them to be, or the "my mom cut my hair" 'do, or the green sweatshirt, but nothing about this kid says "Do. Not. Mess. With. Me." So we can see why he felt the need to put this out there, even if he shouldn't have put it out there at all because, let's face it, nobody needs to see this kind of tomfoolery on social media.
13 You need to practice your fibs because you're not very good at this
Like we said earlier, we don't think Twitter and Facebook can be held responsible for making people more idiotic, we just think that these social media sites, for the first time in the history of ever, are giving people who are already pretty darn idiotic a chance to step out into the spotlight and put on their own three-ring circus of stupid. It's not that people are worse, it's just that we're more aware of it. We are so aware of it, in fact. Actually, we're uncomfortably aware of it, and we would love it if you could stop it now.
If these people are going to insist on making easily disproved fibs, they need to at least try to stick to the con. Is that so much to ask?
Instead of leaving this ship on its own to sink, the original poster should have come back and said, "Uh, yeah, the reason it says Nick Boyer Photography at the bottom is actually because I had my name changed to Photography, and Nick Boyer is my profession of choice. That explains the watermark. Definitely not making this up." If you're going to make an easily avoided mistake, at least go all the way, you know?
12 He's so close, but he's so far away
Two wrongs don't make a right, but being right three times don't make you not wrong. Alright, so maybe our take on that old cliche could us a little work, but you still get what we're trying to say, right? This guy gave three possible variations on the location of his residence. He's got America listed, he's got USA listed and he's got North America. All of those options are correct. But the fact that he thinks those are three separate things makes him wrong. And before you start criticizing us, yes, yes. We know that America is a part of North America and not all of North America. We know North America is not a country, but a continent, and that it includes Canada and Mexico. But still.
What this guy needs is to attend a few (hundred) geography lessons. Get out there and learn where things are and where you are in relation to those things, fella. There is nothing stopping you. Buy yourself a globe or get one of them newfangled maps we've heard tell about. You're posting on social media (even though you probably aren't qualified to be doing so, TBH), so you obviously know how to read. Pick up a book, why don't you?
11 Can you just not be odd? For a minute or two? Please?
Well, you're right, blue haired, restaurant-dwelling goblin. We have no idea "how much this means" to you. We don't know what a low key attempted kidnapping does for you, or how giddy that must make you feel inside. We may not be the most normal tool in the shed, but we flatter ourselves that we're average enough that taking someone's baby, or moving closer and closer to it in order to convince complete strangers that we are said baby's parent, even though we're not, is not something we'd do.
We're just glad to see that the troll from our most beloved children's story "The Three Billy Goats Gruff" is doing alright for him (her?) self these days.
We always wondered why it was living under that bridge. We mean, was it homeless? Did it have some kind of hobbit hole down there? What was the deal? We never knew. But it's nice to see that troll, all these years later, eating at a cafe, even if he/she is trying to steal a kid in the process. At least it shows he/she has got some money in the bank. That's nice to hear. Good for you, bridge troll, for making it in this harsh world.
10 Even if we tripped, we still wouldn't fall for this
We love logging onto Twitter and Tumblr and seeing people post side-by-side pictures of themselves and their relatives. Last week, our bestie, Shannon, posted a selfie next to an old picture of her great, great uncle. The resemblance was uncanny! The eyes, the nose, the jaw. Everything was identical! She was a dead ringer for Uncle Roger, which made for some uncomfortable conversations, but it just goes to show you how wild those genetics can be.
We're not saying this girl doesn't look like her grandmother. But you cannot, in all six layers of that banana pudding trifle that we made for a barbecue last weekend, expect us to believe that these are two different pictures of two different people. Sorry. But we ain't buyin' that excuse, cheap as it is. Listen, sweetie. It's possible that you could be wearing the same clothes as your grandma. Maybe she passed them down to you. It's possible that you look just like her, too, because Mother Nature is funny that way. But are you for real telling us that hedge had the same leaves on it as it did however many decades ago? We're willing to go along, but you need to make this a titch more believable.
9 Uh. Yeah...? That's how it works
Oh, hey everyone. Welp, we just got back from the E.R. Yeah, we were feeling fine all day, but then we took one look at this picture, and we facepalmed so hard, we cracked our skull. Pfft! Talk about bad luck, right? Ugh! What a drag this is. Although, to be quite frank, we don't know how we made it this long without hurting ourselves from flinching so hard, trying to avoid being hit upside the head with all of these dimwitted antics. Going through the torture presented in this lineup, it was only a matter of time before we got hurt.
Of course the year you were born plus however old you are today equals the current year. 2017's not special, that's any year. That's how age works.
We're half happy to see that the only people who fell for this were kids, but we're also half disappointed to see that because, as every after school special since the dawn of time has felt the need to point out to us, the children are our future. And if these teens are the ones who will be put in charge of running the Earth in a few years, we should be seriously concerned.
8 Don't eat your dictionaries, kids. Consider this a warning
Oooh! Looks like someone got a dictionary for their birthday! How exciting is that, huh? Every word in the English language, right there, at your fingertips. No wonder this fella has such a vibrant, edjamacated vocabillary! And, just think about what a nice guy he is. For him to be taking time out of his day to teach us these many highfalutin words, and to do it in such a subtle way, as though we're all equals, in an effort to teach us these things without making us feel bad about our own bottomless stupidity? Wow. That is just so nice. We owe him a great debt of grabditood.
This Stfuglowballs Justin guy really lives up to those first four letters of what we can only assume is his self-appointed nickname. We have never wanted to tell someone that acronym so badly in our lives. Stop throwing your ten-dollar words around, STFU—can we call you STFU? Anyway, STFU, it's plain to see that you don't know what you're talking about, and you certainly don't know how to spell. Yeah, we think it's safe to say you're not qualified to be on social media. But maybe that's just our personnel opponion.
7 Post your pic and go
Listen, girlfriend. If you want to take a selfie for Snapchat and fool around with the filters, take Nike's advice and just do it. Just. Freaking. Do it. In fact, this goes for all of you out there who think they need a cover story to post their pictures. Who are those for, anyway? You're wrong if you think we're that interested. We don't need you to waste your time and effort coming up with these lame-o excuses, because more often than not, you're just going to make a fool out of yourself when you do that. Case in point? This picture, AKA Exhibit A.
We're not NASA, but we're pretty sure a solar eclipse blocks the sun, which means that this girl won't be able to work on her tan when it rolls around.
Mmmm...yeah, but no. Sorry, hon, you seem like a real nice kid, but we're afraid you're just not qualified for this position. But, listen. You get out of here. Study up for a year or two. Come back in 2019 or 2020, and we'll talk over this social media thing then, right? Maybe by that time you'll be ready, but until then, steer clear of Snapchat. This is for the greater good.
6 Love ain't gone, just lookie here!
Bet you thought you were made of pretty tough stuff to be this far into the post. Bet you thought you were some kind of strong to have made it this far. Bet you were feeling nice and proud of yourself for this display of diligence and courageous steadfastness. Yes sir, we imagine you thought you had seen it all. You probably convinced yourself that there was nothing that could cause you to have a mental breakdown—no Twitter post is too stupid for you, no Snapchat selfie is too dumb for you. Nothing, and we mean nothing, can break you down...right?
Ah, but, alas. That's where you're wrong. Maybe this Craigslist post isn't enough to bring you to your knees and cause you to cry for a few days in the dark, but you can't deny that it's making you consider that as a real option. Yes. Yes, there really are people out there trying to connect with known criminals because they're criminals, and if that doesn't rob you of what little hope that you have left in society, we would love to know what kind of personal security system you've got going on because we're interested in purchasing one for ourselves.
5 At least they're self-aware
This is the kind of stupid thing that you say in front of your friends, and then you notice that they are all looking at you really funny and kind of pityingly, and right as you're about to ask them what's wrong, it hits you. "Oh! Stephen Hawking had ALS and used a computer to speak, that's why he didn't have an accent!" Only by then, it's too late.
At that point, you start losing friends because they realized how dumb you are, and then you have to find new friends who aren't familiar with your past mistakes, and cross your fingers and hope they never find out about old you.
To be fair, though, at least this person has finally reached a point where they can recognize that their mistake was a stupid one. Because there are a million people out there making dumb screw ups like this one, who don't realize that their mistakes are dumb screw ups and, therefore, continue to make them. It's obvious that they have come to terms with the fact that they were dumb at one point, even if they aren't now, which is a clear indicator to us that they're on a path to healing.
4 That was a good decision
You can't really fault a person for being bored, and we're not trying to. Sometimes you run out of things to do, alternatively, sometimes you have too much to do, but you don't want to do any of it, so you, in your desperation to avoid doing the things you need to do, do...not that. The latter is actually called "being an adult", but that's neither here not there. Anyway, sometimes in life, you will become bored, which is fine, but it's when you let the boredom go to your head that you run the risk of landing in hot water.
They say idle hands are the devil's workshop, and you don't have to believe in the devil to believe in the truth behind that statement. This poor summer child needs to find herself a job. Go scrub some floors somewhere for minimum wage. We know that sounds lame, but it's better than becoming so bored that you shave off one of your eyebrows for Snapchat attention. You would be better off slinging fries at the drive-through at McDonald's, because at leas McDonald's employees get free lunch. We can count more benefits in this hypothetical scenario than the one she's already in.
3 Yeah, that's totally weird
Do you ever see something so unreasonably ignorant, you don't even know how to begin to explain how the person who said/did it is wrong? Yeah, that's where we are at right this very instant. Now, you and us. We both know that the fact that roads can be straight has nothing to do with the world being round. The Earth is so big that, even if a road is straight, you may not be able to see the globe's curvature simply because we're so stinkin' small by comparison. Hopefully that makes some sense, but we're not astrophysicists.
Then again, if you, too, wonder why the roads are straight when the Earth is round, we doubt any explanation will be comprehensible to you, ya big ninny.
Look, we don't care if you think the world is flat or if you think it's round, but if you can't figure out how roads can be straight but the earth can be round at the same time, then just...just stay off the roadways. Oh, and stay off social media, too. You can be crazy, but you keep that to yourself. The last thing that we need is that stuff rubbing off on the rest of society.
2 This is probably our favorite quote that No One Ever said
Girls with brown hair can wear jeans. Guys with brown hair can wear jeans. Jeans are so versatile, that even people with no hair can wear them. In fact, we're pretty sure that the only thing you need to wear jeans is the bottom half of a torso and at least one leg. Nobody said that. Ever. Girl, who do you think you're kidding? You can't just type random crap and expect people to believe it! It doesn't work that way, okay? We know. We've tried. If you're going to present something as a fact, you have to have evidence to back it up, otherwise, you're just making up nonsense and that is the mark of an idiot.
We have nothing against selfies. At this point, even if we did, there's exactly jack squat that we can do about it. But our point is, if you want to post pictures of yourself on your social media accounts...what do we care? But please don't make bull stuff up and ask us to buy into it. We're too strapped for cash to be shelling out for this poppycockery. We're not gonna do it. Sorry. You can do it, if you want, but count us out.
1 Drill bits, not bullets. Drill bits
"Hey, Bert? You got any of those, uh, star head bullets? I'm putting some new deck boards down on my porch, but I can't find my blame star head bullets. Oh, and it needs to be one that you don't want back, okay? Because afterwards, I'm going to take it to a random gas station and leave it on the floor where a mom will stumble upon it and then rant about it on Facebook."
"Dang it all, Wayne. I hate to tell you this, but I'm plumb outta star head bullets. What about a Philip's head bullet and a flat head bullet? Could you use those to make a Facebook mom angry?"
Calm yourself, lady. Where are your smelling salts? Breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. Those aren't bullets. They're drill bits.
Shhhhh, lady, shhh. Calm down, there's no need to panic—at the disco or otherwise. It's okay, honey, don't worry. You haven't stumbled upon some stray ammunition at this convenience store. What them thar's for is drilling screws into places where screws need to be drilled in. You pickin' up what we're puttin' down? No? Well, too bad, but we're fresh out of spare time to dedicate to schooling you social media disappointments.
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