The words “forever alone” are thrown about a lot on the internet by singles that feel that it's just never going to happen for them. And hey, we get it—when people have been single for a long time it feels like it’s never going to happen. Most people are able to shrug it off and just trust that down the road they’re going to meet someone when the time is right.
And then there are the ones that are so obsessed and upset about being alone that they are actively repelling any chance at all. They become relationship kryptonite. Many recognize their own desperation by capturing their own loneliness and desperation in photos. They feel it especially intensely on Valentine’s Day, but really, it can be any day of the year.
Jealousy is an enormously powerful emotion, and the combination of constant bombardment of romantic couples in the media as well as social expectations in their circle of friends only makes it worse. Yes, we intellectually know it’s dumb to compare ourselves to others but…wouldn’t it be nice to get flowers and go to dinner and maybe come back for a little romantic time?
It’s a rough day for singles. These pictures prove it.
There’s little worse than gathering all of our courage to announce our undying feelings for someone and the response is equivalent to receiving a blank stare. A read receipt that says, “seen at 1:49 a.m.” is about the same as a blank stare, or a “cool.” It’s devastating. It’s almost worse than the typical rejection response, “That’s so sweet, but I see him as just my friend.” At least she took the effort to type something. Some people just like to ghost in advance.
See, now this guy has the right idea. Instead of simply suffering a Friday night alone, he can now suffer it with company—company in the form of a box of grape "juice" and a pint of Ben & Jerry’s in the tub. It’s not just women that can eat their feelings. Guys enjoy the rush of sugar and sweet embrace of alcohol too. Great thing is, if we drink enough, we’ll forget how much we cried. The tears will have long been evaporated by noon.
Hope springs eternal. Though we’ve long since given up that Santa is ever coming, or that bunnies lay chocolate eggs or that the Tooth Fairy is our backup savings account…we can still believe that your milkshake will bring all the boys to the yard.
That’s right—but only if the said milkshake is better than yours.
And it is! In fact, we have a side business to teach our milkshake secrets. So can, in fact, teach you, we’re just gonna have to charge.
If you have an awesome loyal dog, do you even need Valentine’s Day? This creature loves you with all his being every day of the year. And he never asks for gifts or expects you to take him somewhere expensive. So a meal from McDonald's, flowers AND your dog is really one of the best Valentine’s Days ever. For you, it’s a day of high expectation. For him, it’s just another awesome day with his master. This is REAL love, man—don’t anyone else tell you differently.
Is it funny or cruel to suggest someone who’s crushing on you to take you to the “Just Friends” restaurant? Well, to you and your popular friends, it’s hilarious.
But to the guy who just spent three month’s worth of courage on asking you to go, it’s a low-key disaster.
Sure, he may be able to hide it on his face through all three courses, but be certain that on the inside you’ve already destroyed his soul. Don’t worry, it’s good for his character.
This guy is truly living the life. Some guys go all out for Valentine’s Day, like a limousine to the best restaurant in town. But this guy is in demand enough to have not just one but three dates for Valentine’s Day. Pinky the Unicorn is his main squeeze, but she likes to spice it up by inviting a few other naughty girls into the mix. It’s Blanco the Puppy’s first time, but she trusts him and Pinky. As for Dr. Green Pooch, she’s always down for anything.
Once bitterness infects your heart, it tends to infect all the other hearts around you. Even the candy ones, like in the example above. Any message of love can be revised to express the opposite.
Smile…upside down. Hate to…CU soon. LOL…at you. Be true…to no one. We’re guessing if we asked this person whether a glass was half empty or half full, they’d say it’s just enough to drown themselves with. It’s one of the few instances where candy just makes it worse.
This poor, poor soul. He asked Google Assistant to be his Valentine, and some equally lonely programmer out there had already programmed her with an enthusiastic response. After saying this would be the best Valentine’s Day ever, Google Assistant wishes she had arms to give him a hug and offers to tell a joke or play some music. Bewildered dude asks why his own life is the joke. Well, you tried, Google Assistant! We doubt Siri or Cortana are this cool.
We’ve seen how Google Assistant reacts to being asked to be your Valentine, let’s see how Siri and Cortana hold up. Siri, being the most popular and in the game the longest, hems and haws and ultimately rejects you. She’s got plans, you see, even though she lives in your pocket.
Plans with whom? Your keys?
Cortana, on the other hand, is low-key dirty. She responds with, “Only if you’ll be mine.” And she says it in orange. We’re pretty sure this is how the movie “Her” starts.
You can’t really love anyone else until you love yourself first. That’s what all the hip psychologists and women’s magazines say. So why not go all out and cook yourself a romantic meal for two? You can devour both without guilt and laugh in the mirror about it. You can video the whole thing and watch it with yourself later. Afterward, when you’re crying yourself to sleep, you can stroke your own hair and tell yourself you’re beautiful and that you’ll never leave yourself. Try not to lie about it.
If you want to get anywhere in life, you’ve got to know that success is measurable. You can’t measure feelings, or love or anything silly like that. It’s just a biochemical reaction in your brain. But chocolate?
Chocolate is measurable both in quantities and price.
It can be measured in ounces and dollars. When the price of chocolate is discounted by 70%, you have a real reason to celebrate. It’s time to get real about this holiday! Let’s get back the real gains.
Stacy just said something really funny in between bites of ice cream. Blonde Cindy loves the joke too, but looks down in embarrassment—that was a wild night! Rebecca laughs too, boy that Bahamas vacation was something else. And lucky, you—you see them every day! Some people call them two-dimensional, but they don’t them like you do. And you’re laughing too. Because it’s just about the only thing that will stop you from breaking down into the ugly sobs.
It’s hard getting a date for Valentine’s. If you’re not already dating someone, then it means you have to go looking for other unlucky candidates. And who wants to do that? You’re sifting through all the dregs.
This jug of milk has got the right idea.
Get the date in writing, right there on your own packaging. It’s a tattoo of sorts, and also a promise. And some would say, a humble brag. “Even I can get a date. Can you?”
We bet not a lot of you have tried holding your own foot like this before, with your toes entangled between your fingers. And why not? If you’re feeling low-key lonely, it’s just like someone holding your hand. But unlike holding your own hand, you can do it discreetly under the table. Your foot and hand love it, and you feel better for about 20 minutes. Until reality sets in and you know you have to put your socks back on.
Your brain takes visual cues, and if you can persuade yourself that something is happening, then you can experience the emotion as if it is actually happening.
It’s kind of like the placebo effect—a sugar pill can cure you if you have the power of blind faith.
So you can trick your brain you’re part of a couple if you line up your shadow just right against hers. Until the sun goes down. Then you’ll have to binge eat ice cream and drink yourself to sleep like everyone else.
There’s no crime in taking yourself out places, like to the movies or a nice restaurant. But in the case of a restaurant, you want to have certain protections in order. You don’t want to be seated across from the mirror and you don’t want to face other diners. The best way is to have you surrounded by barriers facing a wall. Because on date night, no one wants to stare at you eating alone. Trust us, it’s better this way.
It’s a true beggar’s banquet of an edible bouquet. Look at the wide variety available. A single Velveeta slice, still wrapped in plastic. A cooked hot dog. A cigarette about to fall apart. Three sliced pickles. And a battery.
And how could you not love the romantic message attached?
“Please move out.” It’s best to take advantage of it and be grateful you have roommates that care. Maybe you can show appreciation by finally paying your two months worth of back rent. And then leaving, of course.
Why does it have to be flowers in a bouquet for Valentine’s Day? Sure flowers are gorgeous and deliciously aromatic, but they can’t be the only option. There are so many other alternatives, like uh, chocolate roses. Or, um, paper flowers! Sprayed with Axe body spray…or something. Or a bouquet full of…onions. You can’t eat flowers. And if you’re going to be crying anyway, how about a little assist while you’re chopping? Pshh. Can’t sprinkle rose petals on your burger. Just not the same.
When you’re learning to play the piano or other instruments, the composer of the music often leaves little messages directing the musician how it should be played in the sheet music. Traditionally, these instructions are in Italian, like Allegro, which means play it fast and spiritedly happy.
Or there’s the opposite, in English: play it “clingingly and feelingly.”
That’s not a traditional suggestion, but we suppose even those that forever alone deserve theme music. Too bad they’re the only ones that will hear it.
Instagram tapped into some weird collective desire to take selfies as animals. You can be a bear or a puppy or a mermaid. You can be a fairy surrounded by twinkles and flowers, or a unicorn with multi-colored hair and cotton candy clouds behind you. Yes, you can be all those things. But Instagram can’t make you un-single. Or make you feel better about it. For that, you’ll need vodka. Probably best to leave the whole bottle. Can’t be sad if you’re passed out.
It’s so fun having a love affair with Siracha. It’s hotter and spicier than anyone you’ve ever dated before, and it gives of itself generously. It’s shorter than you, but you’re not insecure about it.
It will sleep with you, eat with you, shower with you and take you to the beach.
It will even go out on the town with you. But one thing it can’t do is stop your friends from committing you the mental hospital for trying to date hot sauce. Sadly, it’s just a bridge too far.
Sure, guys have all those jokes about the “crazy cat lady” and how women that have more than one cat will be single forever. They are horrible stereotypes, but not because they don’t resemble reality. It’s because guys resemble this stereotype too. We know lots of single men with cats. Perhaps none that will go through this extent to have a “date” with their companion feline, however. This guy is really looking to break some barriers. Their love is real man, and it’s hurtful to mock it.
We once had a girlfriend that had such a ravenous appetite that we were afraid to get our fingers anywhere near her plate while she was scarfing it down.
Though men have the reputation for eating the most, we know more than a few women that could give them a run for their money.
How realistic is a woman swooning over a bouquet of cheeseburgers and donuts? We say very. Almost 100%. You guys should really look into this. Let us know how it works out.
Is it really that terrible being single? Do you really need someone breathing down your neck all the time, snoring in the middle of the night and complaining about how you play video games too much? Before you trade in your independence, just remember some people take this kind of thing more seriously than others. Like the girl from the jealous girlfriend meme. Only she could find a way to work in blood and bruises into a Valentine's threat, er we mean, video. Be careful out there, gents.
Have you ever truly been disappointed in a freshly cooked pizza? We’re not talking the frozen kind, which can be delicious but have the risk of being mediocre. We’re talking the homemade or restaurant delivered variety.
Bubbling cheese doesn’t lie to you.
Zesty tomato sauce doesn’t abandon you. A delicious crust is all the relationship foundation you need. Admit it to yourself. People let you down. Boyfriends come and go. Hearts break and mend. But a good pizza is forever.