June is Father's Day month which means that it's time for everyone to celebrate the guy in the family who makes a lot of bad jokes and likes to grill and can kind of fix a car. Dads are pretty great — mine taught me how to ride a bike and also told me to "run it off" and "rub some dirt on it" after I almost got knocked out at a softball game. My dad is also the one who moved me into my college dorm and told me that my music taste is very bad. He also has no idea how technology works and asks me to add new contacts into his phone when the occasion arises. (He learned how to do it himself, but he says that I "do it better," whatever that is supposed to mean.)
Since my dad is completely technologically inept, there's no way that he would have a Twitter account, but there are many cool celebrity dads who do have one and they tweet about their time as a dad. There aren't a lot of day-to-day accounts of my time as a child growing up, and memories only give out the highlight reel. These kids, though, will be able to go back in time and see what their dads really thought about them as kids, for better or for worse.
20 Teaching Responsibility, Somehow
Having a pet is all fun and games until it comes time to take care of it. Every kid wants a pet, because who doesn't want a pet, but they might not be able or willing to handle the responsibilities of taking care of an actual live small animal. It's always good to start out small, since some animals are easier to take care of then others, but I feel like getting a bunch of fire ants for a first pet is a very, very bad idea. Toppling over a case full of regular ants is a pretty bad time, but if that happened with some fire ants, that would be very painful and upsetting for everyone in the household.
I myself always wanted a pet animal of some kind, but my parents never came through on that. They obviously didn't want to be stuck being the only ones at home taking care of the animals, but I just thought they were really mean and disliked fun (still kind of true).
The only thing I could really ever call my pet was this goldfish I won at a birthday party. I really wanted to keep it as a pet, but my parents weren't really for it so they just kind of let nature run its course through the night while the fish was still in the bag and then flushed it down the toilet in the morning. I'm still kind of bitter about that.
19 Just Give Him The High Five
Everyone loves to dislike dad jokes, but if there's anyone out there that despises dad jokes more, it's the kids of the dads who are making the joke. It's tough being a kid, and I would know because I am the product of two parents, thus, making me a kid as well. Kids have it so hard: they've got parents that love them and support them in everything they do, but they also sometimes make bad jokes that are not appreciated.
I feel like the reason why this child didn't give his dad a high-five after this pleasantly awkward "gnome thanks" reply is that this was a pretty bad pun, but it was also his dad saying that he will not go see the movie he wanted to see. Even when there's a joke involved in the "no" response, a kid isn't going to appreciate the craft. They just want to see the movie and now they can't because kids can't drive to the movie theater. I can imagine that Sherlock Gnomes will not be a great watching experience for most adults, but that's what it is to be a parent: suffering through bad animated movies based off of classic works of literature.
18 Will Not Let It Go
I feel bad for every parent who decided to make the mistake of having young children during the time of Frozen's debut because it is an arguably not that great movie and the songs get a bit old after a while. The thing with kids is that when they love a movie, they love that movie so hard that they will want to watch it every day, maybe even twice a day.
Unfortunately for the parents, they have to watch the kids, so they inevitably end up watching the same movies over and over again. For Michael Ian Black's daughter, watching Frozen every day is probably what she wanted to do anyways, at least at the start.
After some time, though, she will probably want to move on, but she made her bed with buying this movie in the first place and now she will have to lie in it.
I'm not one of those adults that will dump on children's animated features because a lot of them are works of art that are also narratively solid. Frozen is not one of those movies, though. I feel for Michael here, he has to listen to "Let It Go" so many times, and I feel as though one time is good enough. Soon enough, his daughter will also be so tired of this movie that she will want to watch something else, but she will instead learn a lesson on how her dad felt while watching this movie again and again.
17 Dad Needs Some Quiet Time
There is no other place on earth that is as peaceful and safe as a bathroom. The bathroom in your home is the ultimate zone of solitude, but other bathrooms in the world can serve as a safe space, too.
I don't have kids, but I can imagine that all parents really want to do is to just have a few moments of peace and quiet away from the kids, away from everyone, away from life. It seems almost impossible, but there is still one place where no one can enter, and that's the bathroom. It's the one place where you can empty your bowels but also be able to hear your own thoughts for the first time in forever.
I don't blame Dax Shepard for wanting to go to the bathroom more frequently while having kids. Kids are a nightmare and even the best parents need a little bit of a break. I myself would constantly be going to the bathroom back at my old job, not because I really needed to go, but just because I really needed a moment to myself when I was not working.
I think half of my co-workers thought I had some sort of digestive issue, but it was really just me taking a breather in a bathroom stall where I wouldn't be bothered by anyone for like, five minutes.
16 What A Great Dad
When you're a parent, you pretty much have to do everything fun with your kids, which ends up making things less fun. Don't get me wrong, kids are a blessing but they are also very finicky and have to go to the bathroom all the time and get tired and hungry.
(Those are things that adults do as well, but they're less annoying about it.)
I worked at a day camp once and we went to the zoo on a hot summer day and let me just say that it was interesting, but also just kind of a bad time.
Even though they're supposed to be having fun, they complain so much that you wouldn't have thought it was enjoyable for them.
Going to Disneyland is one of those things that every kid wants to do and it's the best to go when the kids are young, but at the expense of their parents. Who really wants to wait in lines for rides with a few finicky kids in hot weather? Little kids are the ones who would get the most out of Disney, so it seems a little rude to wait until they're old enough to handle themselves in public. You don't want to be that mean dad who doesn't take their kid to Disney, but it may be for the best.
15 Someone Is The Favorite
I don't know what it's like to be a twin, but I feel like an annoying part of having a twin sibling is constantly being compared to the other twin. Even though these kids are two completely different people, twin siblings tend to be lumped together — especially when very young.
It must suck to have to always share a birthday with someone else at home because then the day isn't all about you — which I know is very important for a lot of kids. I mean, it would be pretty bad to have a birthday right by Christmas, too, because more people would be okay with only giving you one present for two events.
My brother and I aren't twins, but we are close enough in age that we were compared to each other quite often. He's a charming and handsome boy so he obviously got all the cool presents and family members liked him more, while I was just kind of awkward and knew how to read, so I only ever got books that I didn't even like reading. Since my brother was good at sports and other things people cared about, he ended up being way more popular and thus more confident than me, while I just ended up as a huge nerd.
Now that we're older, we're both in debt with college degrees so we still ended up the same.
14 That's A Lot Of People
Giving things names is such a hard thing to do because it feels so final. In the case of a child, this is even truer because once you put that name on the birth certificate, it's done and that is the baby's name. Sure, you could always go and change your name later if you really dislike it, but that takes a lot of time and money and having to go to the DMV more times than you would have to without changing your name.
That being said, as a parent, you have to name your kid right the first time because there is really no going back. And if you choose the wrong name your kid might despise you forever.
There are a lot of names to choose from out there. Some are overly popular and will condemn your child into having to put their last name initial on every name tag and assignment from the first day of kindergarten onwards. Other names are so out there that your child will probably be teased for it. Then there are the names that just kind of are, that are good ones to choose from. The problem is, if there's someone that you don't like with that name, it will be very hard to also name your baby the same thing. If you dislike a lot of people, the naming process might be a lot harder than you expected.
13 Music To Nobody's Ears
Growing up, I was a very musical kid which means that I have to apologize to my parents for having to suffer through all of my band concerts growing up. That is, I apologize until my senior year of high school through college because I was actually good at that point and that was true art that their ears were experiencing. My parents at first didn't want me to join band because they didn't want to have to pay for an instrument that I would give up on two years later, but to their delight (and probably disappointment) I went with doing band for over 10 years.
That means that they didn't pay for an instrument going to waste, but it did mean that they had to suffer through many concerts and solo contests, more than they were probably expecting.
It's good to get your kids into the arts, especially music, but there is a price to pay for the parent's ears when they first start out. You don't want to tell your kid that they are bad at music because you don't want to discourage them from continuing, and the only way they can get better is practice, but man if they could just practice a little quieter.
12 Narrator: They Will Not
Kids don't really care about appearances. If they're going to live in a normal house or the most beautiful house in the world, they're still going to wreak havoc on everything they come across. Children are nothing but destruction machines and they have little to no awareness about their surroundings. Kids in any household are going to disobey their parents, that's just how they are.
They don't care about anything besides getting fed when they're hungry and being able to play all day. Unfortunately, life doesn't work like that but that will be a lesson they learn later on.
In fact, I feel like kids really don't care about any appearances. My cousins have a bunch of small children now and every year for Christmas they're the only ones who even get presents anymore and they get mountains of toys and junk. Once they open their presents, though, all they want to do is play with the box. Honestly, you might be able to get away with wrapping up a couple of empty boxes for them to play with. That might backfire, though, because once they don't get the toys they wanted to ignore, they'll be upset that they didn't get any presents. Man, kids are the worst.
11 It's Time To Sleep
Being an adult without kids is tiring enough, but having children basically means that you've given up hopes on ever getting a decent sleep for the next 18 years. I complain now about having to work sometimes and being too tired to function, but every time I complain about it, 10 young parents swoop down from the rafters to tell me that I don't even know what tired is because I don't have kids. I commend parents for choosing to take care of screaming poop machines, but man, they complain so much about it sometimes I even wonder if they're even into being a parent themselves.
As grown-ups, all we everyday is play the Tired Olympics where everyone just complains about what is making them so tired all the time. It gets tiring pretty quickly, but everyone loves to play. Parents have a good reason for being tired, but kids are definitely not the only reason that one would ever be exhausted. With or without children of our own, everyone's had their own playing an apple Rubik's Cube moment more than once. Let's follow what the kids are doing and just take a nap ourselves. Everything is better with a little bit of sleep.
10 Ah The Good Old Days
I've been told by my own parents that having my brother and me as children was the most rewarding part of their lives, but sometimes I feel like they kind of miss the days that they didn't have to worry about taking care of a child. I mean, now I'm an adult so they're pretty much off the hook, but for those 20 years beforehand, there might have been some moments of regret.
That's why I'm not really feeling the whole 'having kids' thing quite yet (if ever) because I really just want to be able to live and enjoy things and sometimes that's very hard to do when you're taking care of children.
Take going to the movies for example; when you're childless, the movies is a nice and inexpensive way to enjoy a film and be in a dark room for a couple of hours. Once you have kids, you either will never see anything above a PG rating at the theater anymore or you will have to pay hefty funds for a babysitter so that you can enjoy an entertaining action flick without traumatizing your kids. There are just too many compromises, and so much time being lost just convincing your kids that they should get into the car.
9 Too Cool For Dad
Back when I was 12 years old, memes were just starting out as pretty simple things and classic rock was fairly uncool. Since then, both those things have changed and sometimes they come together as one. Who would have thought that in 2018 there would be a whole bunch of memes that involved "Roundabout" by Yes, and that a bunch of preteens would actually be listening to Yes in their free time?
My dad would probably be so proud of me if I picked this song to listen to on the road instead of Britney Spears or whatever was popular at the time, but I was not that cool.
What's so funny about this is that Andy Richter's daughter is showing her dad a song that's popular among the kids without realizing that it was a popular song when her dad was also around that age. Things have gone full circle. With the Internet, it's kind of amazing how some things have stayed relevant forever. As they say, things that used to be popular end up coming back in style after a while. This obviously means that big band recordings are going to be the next hot music to listen to — and I mean, if someone makes a meme out of it, I would not be wrong.
8 The Truth Is Out
While everyone says that their dad is the number one dad in the world, not every dad can actually take the place of number one. If that was the case, that would basically be like giving a participation trophy to every dad out there, and if there is something that dads dislike, it's the idea of participation trophies.
Every dad would like to think that they're the best one out there, but there can only be one. There are so many dads out there, and one of them is better than every other dad out there.
Of course, how good of a dad someone can be is pretty subjective. There are a lot of factors that determine how good of a dad you can be and one of them is your kids thinking that you're the best dad out there. But giving your dad a shirt or a mug just isn't good enough — there needs to be some way to find out who can have the title of #1 Dad. It would be pretty interesting though to see some kind of Battle Royale kind of event for resident dads to fight each other to find out who is the true, Ultimate Dad. That would be very traumatic for every family involved, but good entertainment nonetheless.
7 Can't Trust A Baby
Jimmy Kimmel, you may be onto something here. Babies are so cute and look so pure but are they really that innocent? We might not be able to understand anything that they're trying to say, but babies are a lot smarter than they look. They may not know how to feed themselves or go to the bathroom properly, and while they have no concept of object permanence yet, they still know how to get what they want. There's no way of truly knowing what's going on in a baby's brain, so they might as well be plotting something sinister without us ever knowing.
Those baby smiles may be cute, but that's a smile that's hiding something.
Just look at popular media like Rugrats or the movie Boss Baby. Babies have a way of communicating with each other that adults can't understand, but it's there. They know more about what's going on than they would like to let on. They're also just incredibly naughty. They will knock over their sippy cup just to see you get frustrated and pick it up. They will keep crying if you leave the room because they know that all you want to do is have a moment without them for a second. Babies can be cute but they are also sinister creatures sometimes.
6 Bold And Brash, More Like Belongs In The Trash
Like with music, it's sometimes very hard to deal with children's art because you want to encourage them to keep making stuff, but man it is some bad stuff. Kids will be drawing pictures of their family members, pointing to something that kind of looks like a bug with very long legs and say, "It's you!" Whatever that thing is supposed to be is not me, child, but you can't actually tell them that. All you can do is say how nice it is and that they're going to be a famous artist one day and then hoard all the bad art somewhere that you don't have to look at it for too long.
Worst of all, the art just keeps coming because you're encouraging them.
I don't know what was wrong with my parents, though. They were so amazed that I could do anything that they actually legitimately thought that my childhood art was good. My mom even went out and bought frames to hang up some of my best pieces. They are still hanging up in my parent's house and they look bad. Like, so bad. I tell them to remove the bad drawings because it's pretty much defamation of character at this point but they won't do it because they're still impressed by it. They are the opposite of Jim Gaffigan in this sense.
5 Classic Dad Joke
When the opportunity strikes for a dad joke, you just have to take it, and this is an opportunity Channing Tatum couldn't miss. It's not nice to call people blockheads, but when you've got a foam block covering your entire face, it's just too fitting to pass up. When that's the case, it's more just a fact than an insult. Nevertheless, this is just an all-around very cute and wholesome post. Even though his child is a blockhead, he still loves them very much.
But what is this talk about Channing Tatum having a block head? I have literally never heard that before. I would say that there are many parts to him that are geometric, such as his abdomen which is so cut that you could definitely grate cheese off of it, or at least do a few loads of laundry. His head may not be "blocky" in my mind, but it is very defined.
(That jawline could probably also cut something, it's so sharp.)
He definitely isn't a square by any means, though. For someone who is so perfectly attractive, he still feels the need to make some self-deprecating jokes on Twitter, which means that he's more like the rest of us than we think.
4 Absolutely No Filter
One of the bad things about being around kids (which there are many) is that any insecurities you have about yourself will be noticed and talked about by kids. Children are ridiculous and they have no concept of what a filter is or what being polite is, so they're just going to say whatever is on their mind at any given time. It's kind of admirable to see someone care so little about the repercussions of what they're about to say to someone, but it hurts when they say something mean about you.
There were so many times when I was a kid where I would make fun of my dad for having a shiny forehead and being old and that was 15 years ago when he wasn't all that old.
I still make those jokes now, and he's actually old now ,so I think it's fine. We all make fun of our parents at some point, but it ends up biting us in the butt later. When I was working at a day camp I was also suffering from unfortunate skin problems on my arms and like every day kids would be like, "What's on your arm it looks gross." Thank you, random child, I am aware that this thing on my arm is not fun to look at or to have on your arm.
3 This Is The Real World, Sweetie
When is the right time to teach a child that all of their dreams and aspirations in life will never come true? Sure, you don't want to hurt a kid's feelings, but life is all about getting your feelings hurt and it has to happen at some point. It takes about five birthdays to realize that your dream isn't coming true, even when you blew all the candles out on the first try, so you just stop wishing after a certain point. At least, that's what I did. I also realized that they tell you not to say your wish so that everyone around you can't feel responsible for making that wish not come true.
Learning things really sucks as a kid. For example, I remember a time when I had this really nice collector's Barbie of Ariel from The Little Mermaid and she had this nice beading on her tail. I took it out of the box because I was five and didn't know better, and within two minutes of having it, my brother was already taking the beads off. He didn't get in trouble but I was served a lesson that I shouldn't have let my brother get a hold of my new doll. It was that moment when I learned what it was like to be a woman in this world.
2 What About Your Son?
They say that a parent's love for their child is the strongest form of love there is, but according to this tweet, Lin-Manuel Miranda's son's love for raisins and trains is even greater than that. I'm not going to assume that Lin's got some beef with his son and that the love for his child is very great, but that just makes this appreciation for raisins and trains that much more.
I'm very impressed by this kid for having such a strong passion at such a young age. That being said, I hope that this kid shows at least a decent amount of affection towards his dad, even though he's not a train.
I'm also impressed that this kid is so into raisins. I feel like raisins are one of those things that kids have to eat because it's the only snack they have in their backpack, but everyone despises. I haven't been a kid in a long time so maybe I'm wrong but I feel like most kids hate raisins. Or maybe this is something that really only happens in adulthood because pretty much every adult I know hates raisins as well. It's like the opposite of how people feel about onions overtime.
1 He's Getting Soft
Inspirational stories are always a tear-jerker for me. My sun sign is cancer, so of course I'm going to cry at everything and that is especially true for things that I see on television. People I care about in real life are okay, but my special tears are reserved for dogs and sad stories of people I will never know in real life that pop up on my feed. There's something about hearing somebody go through hard times only to have a cool talent or seeing a child singing that really just makes me feel emotions. It may be because of the talent or just knowing that so many young people are so much better than me at things.
Most parents get even more emotional once they become parents themselves because now they have to navigate the world knowing they're responsible for a child. I don't think I could emotionally handle it because I'm already so emotionally invested in things that I don't think I can cry any more than I already do.
Also, this is a problem because as a cool, strong parent you're not supposed to cry in front of your kids like every day. Maybe you can sometimes, but not all the time — that's just too much crying.