Alright, since no one else has the courage to stand up on this issue, it looks like once again the task falls at our feet. We don't like to complain, but we. Have. Had it. Every time we log onto the internet, we see people being amazing funny with their puns and their sarcasm and their witty irony, and, darn it! We just aren't going to take it anymore. Who do these people think they are, making us laugh against our will every time we check out our social media pages? It's unbelievable the way they waltz around the web like they're the savior of snark.
Well, no more. If we don't step in, as a society, and tighten the leash our comedic impertinence, then it's only a matter of time before everything gets too far out of hand. If we don't stop it now, who knows what might happen?! So today, we're drawing a line. Somebody, please tell each one of these 20 people not to be such a sassquatch! They need to rein in the snark just a titch because we don't know how much more of their sarcastic antics we can take! Actually...no, no. We take that back, please don't stop the snark. We love it.
20 Scott Scarborough, more like Scott Sassypants
We just know Scott's mom is out there somewhere, reluctantly sticking this picture of her snarky son onto her refrigerator. She's proud of him, sure. We mean, he works at NASA, he's a smart boy any mom could be proud of.
If Mom has one regret, it's that she just never figured out how to squeeze the sass out of her son, and now she's got a full-blown sassquatch on her hands. Maybe things would have gone better on NASA's picture day had Scott worn something other than his sassy pants, but at this point, the snark's so ingrained in him, it probably wouldn't have made a difference.
19 They're onto us!
Just when we thought we finally had all of the car dealerships fooled, they slap us with one of these captcha thingies. Darn, we really thought we were getting the hang of this "being a human" thing! We had everyone conned! Sure, we couldn't get past the captchas on the internet, but we've learned to avoid those. If we encounter these in real life, we're never going to pull this off!
Oops. We mean, uh...isn't this funny? LOL! We're laughing at this because we're definitely not robots, and we find it hilarious that a car dealership would think that we are! Beep-boop! Crap, we meant, ha ha. Look, just forget it.
18 5 Stars. Does exactly what it's supposed to do. Would recommend
Wobbly tables are a real problem, but we never consider them as a real problem until we encounter them. Like, if we wrote up a list of our least favorite things, we probably wouldn't think to include wobbly tables, but when we have to sit at one, all of a sudden, wobbly tables become the bane of our existence.
Wobbly tables are no match for a sassquatch with an aptly named book.
Fortunately, because of this amazing book and one hilarious sassquatch, we can finally put an end to wobbly tables everywhere. We highly recommend this book. Buy a copy for yourself and all your friends.
17 These kids are punching below the belt
A friend told us she wanted kids because they're so precious and sweet. The next time she comes at us with that crap, we're gonna show her this tweet about how a bunch of elementary school students roasted this girl for no good reason, and see if that doesn't change her mind.
16 She doesn't *look* sorry
This woman is snide to the nines, and we were so distracted by it that we almost neglected to notice that her dog's name is Box—which is an important detail nobody should ever overlook.
These two are the only members of the Snark Squad.
But let's set Box's name aside because it's Box's, and his owner's, attitude that really need addressing here. Who do they think they are, teasing students and teachers like this on social media? Sure, this is just about as funny as it gets, but rein in that snark, you two. Don't be such a pair of sassquatches!
15 For real, tho
When it comes to sarcasm, we think those snarky people need to rein it in a little bit. But even we have to admit, it's hard not to be a little sardonic when you're in school.
No matter how good a pupil you were in school, chances are, at some point, you found a question that you not only didn't know the answer to, but didn't even understand. If you're like most, you probably did your best, but if you're like this sassquatch, then you drew memes, and while that didn't give you an A+ with the teacher, it definitely does with us.
14 Watch your mouth
We're putting this sassquatch in time out. We realize they were just only making fun of the whole "which goes in the bowl first, the milk or the cereal?" debate—unquestionably the most pressing issue of our generation—but they took it too far.
They're so far over the line, they're in a different state—The State of Sass.
We like humor as much as the next person, but we can't abide by a sense of snark that involves wasting perfectly good cereal. They better grab a bendy straw and get to work, 'cause we did not buy this cereal just for them to throw away on some joke.
13 They installed an eight-head on her face
Getting a passport can be a frustrating process. It's time-consuming, it costs money, it's just a pain in the neck any way you look at it. So the last thing anyone needs is to have the people issuing said passports roast them to a crisp when they finally get that letter in the mail.
Look, we're all aware that our foreheads are slightly bigger than we would like them to be. We don't need you rubbing that into our face. We get it, we've got five-heads, but you don't need to characterize us by giving us eight-heads, okay? We're self-aware, and you're hurting our feelings.
12 Yet another way doctor's trick their patients
We had a doctor try to trick us into having all of our bones removed. 'Course, then we woke up. We figure that strange dream was the result of mixing NyQuil and Dayquil together. Won't be doing that again. Personally, we've never had issues with medical professionals, but...
*Glances over shoulder, whispers behind hand* we've heard stories.
A friend of ours said his surgeon tried to get away with using those heavy cast iron legs from a clawfoot bathtub instead of fitting him for prosthetics. Mm-hm. It's true. So we're not surprised to see this doctor trying to pull the wool over his patients' eyes, either.
11 He's growing up so fast
Aww, would you look at this brave little guy? So precious! What a brave soldier, manning down the fort while his mommy and daddy were away. He's quite the trooper! We wouldn't be surprised if his parents bought him two boxes of cereal for being so good while they were gone.
Alright, that's enough of that, big guy. Drop the footie pajamas and go put on the cargo shorts, sandals and novelty t-shirt we know you normally wear. We'll have you know that we do not appreciate your snark, young man, and we have half a mind to send you to be without supper!
10 We didn't know Papa Roach opened a restaurant
We're not very musical. We've been listening to the same CDs we burned back in the '90s over and over again, so we hadn't heard about this, but apparently, Papa Roach decided to ditch the band idea and open up a restaurant instead. Pretty cool.
Although to be quite honest, this pun is a little...cheesy.
But, anyway, good for them! If one career path doesn't work out for you, it's always a good idea to have a backup plan, that's what we say. Brie tortes, huh? We aint't never heard o' such, but for the sake of these sassquatches, we're willing to give it a go.
9 The ticking time pun
The sassquatch—not to be confused with the sasquatch, Bigfoot's equally big-footed cousin—knows that timing is everything. You can't just shout-out the first witty thing that pops into your head. You have to wait for just the right moment.
To be funny is to be patient, as good roommate John is well aware. He didn't know how long it would take for his buddy to locate his secret 'stache, all he knew was that when it happened, whether it was two days from now or two years from now, it would be worth it. And, dang, if that little sassypants wasn't right.
8 Highlighter on point
All these girls all over social media, posting their selfies with their amazing highlighting and contouring skills, acting like they own the place with their makeup putting onning capabilities. You don't think guys want to get in on that action, too?
You're not the only ones who know how to look fleek, girls.
Other people can apply foundation and highlighter with the greatest of ease too, you know, and why shouldn't they? It doesn't take a genius to watch a couple YouTube videos and tape some Hi-Liter brand highlighters to their face. Pfft! And you self-proclaimed makeup artists think you're so special. Puh-leez!
7 Us every time we try to eat healthier
So maybe this person got a little carried away with their snark. They let the pun take control of them and it just ran away, dragging them along for the ride. Hey, we get it. It's happened to the best of us.
The good news is, we have officially decided to give this person a break. Besides, in spite of their severe sassquatchery, they have issued a series of texts that are completely relatable. Try as we might we, too, have trouble sticking to healthy eating habits. But, we mean, it's not like eggs are really unhealthy (never mind that the eggs are made of chocolate and peanut butter).
6 Ouch, yo
Whoa, hold on there, buckaroo! It looks like you've just hit a little too close to home with that big baseball bat of sarcasm you're swinging around there! How about let's rein it in a little bit, okay, champ?
We know you're just trying to be funny, but now we're crying.
Actually, we're sort of glad that they labeled these cans. We knew we tossed out our dream of becoming an acrobat at the circus in there a few decades back, and since things aren't going so well for us, we might need to dig that out of the bin and see if we can salvage it.
5 All of these kid's meals come with a side of roast
Every time we feel like we can't make a decision, we just remember that time we picked up our nephew early from school to take him to Cracker Barrel, and we had to tell the waiter that we weren't ready to order three separate times over a 45-minute period because he couldn't decide what to eat. On the plus side, the waiter did keep bringing us baskets of cornbread and biscuits, so it wasn't all bad.
Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh, yeah, this snarky menu. It was clearly jotted down by a sassquatch, but it's cool 'cause it's accurate A to the F.
4 A masterpiece
We know we just called this picture a masterpiece, but now we're having regrets about that decision because we feel that a much more apt name for this work of art would be "sassterpiece". Who's slaying everybody with their punny sassquatchness now, eh? That's right, it's us.
How do ya like them apples?
Sigh. Yet another disappointing picture of a son for a mother to frame and place on the mantlepiece. Maybe this kid's mom and Scott's mom from earlier on in the lineup can form some kind of club for parents who are conflicted when it comes to their handsome childrens' kooky picture choices.
3 You're right, that *does* make us feel better
Some teachers have got a whole lot of nerve demanding their students turn in their paper assignments, and then waiting weeks to grade them. We know life's not fair, but that doesn't mean we have to be unfair. We can't control circumstances, but we can control our actions.
It seems to us if teachers are gonna set deadlines their students have to meet, they should have the decency to return the favor. We mean, it is their job, after all. Wow, this person was right. Thinking about this cake does make us feel better. Thanks for bringing this healthy dose of snark into the world, you sassy sassquatch!
2 Grandma lost her chill a long time ago
Can we please stop this idea that all grandmas are socks knitting, cookie baking, coupon clipping angels? We mean, we're not saying they're not any of those things, they totally are, it's just that that's not all they are. They've got a trick or two up their sleeves, those grandmas do.
They know how to lay the sass on thick.
This grandma would probably drop everything to cook their precious grandchild a meal. We bet she'd spend the next ten years knitting something, if that's what they wanted. But that doesn't mean she's going to pass up an opportunity to get them good. Way to go, Granny!
1 'Tis an honor to be trolled by you, dear sir or madam
Remember when internet trends used to be silly and benign instead of bizarre and potentially harmful? We went from Pepe the Frog and planking to putting snarky phrases on Medieval paintings and eating Tide Pods in, like, .02 seconds flat. What the heck is that all about? How do you account for that?
We'll never understand how trends become trends, and we're not about to Google it because we're afraid of what we might find. But we will, however, be forever grateful that Rickrolling was a thing. May the rolling of the Rick be forever in your soul, dear reader, and may we all follow this sassquatch's example.