The first time we did our own makeup was when we were ten and we crashed our older sister’s sleepover with her sophomore friends. It was the early 2000’s. Back then, kid’s didn’t have the video games that are available to the youths nowadays, so our hand-eye coordination was lacking. As a result, we ended up looking like rodeo clown rejects.
Makeup’s all well and good until it winds up in the hands of the overeager amateur artist, at which point it becomes a crap storm of fail. Of course, you’re free to do your makeup however you want, it’s just sometimes the style you see in your head doesn’t translate well into reality—that’s why we’re dying to take a wet wipe to these 15 horrendous makeup disasters.
15. Is this a joke?
Somebody had better figure out how to get this girl her money back, otherwise we’re going to have to breathe into a paper bag to stop ourselves from passing out at this injustice. Uh, excuse us? She looks like she haphazardly dabbed a wet washcloth on her face, shook a bag of flour, then opened it and stuck her head in—not like she just paid through the nose to have a professional makeover!
We’re not usually “get me the manager” people, but this is a different story. This isn’t just a makeup fail, it’s cause for concern. Somebody better take the “makeup artist” who committed this crime to the E.R. immediately, because they probably have a concussion or something if they think that is a €50-worthy makeover.
14. There’s no excuse for this
Let’s be real, when you use two different eye shadow colors, you’re playing with fire. The only time that move is acceptable is when you’re seven-years-old, and your mom signs you up to be in a ballet recital against your will, and one of the other moms, who volunteered to do makeup for your dance troupe before the show, breaks out her Walmart brand eye shadow palette and starts going to town on your eyelids, and you step out on stage in Swan Lake with “bruise yellow” and “contusion purple” eye shadow, looking like an anemic water fowl, because you don’t know any better.
13. Her eyebrows have shadows
Now, when you’re doing your eye makeup—and this is a very important point to remember—you want the mascara to be so clumpy and so inadequately done that it looks like your eye is a creepy crawly little bug against the backdrop that is the nauseating color of eye shadow you choose. Got that? We realize that might be a little confusing if you don’t know exactly what we’re talking about, so take a look at this girl, because she’s got the right idea.
Actually, know what? We’d be willing to bet we were the first ones to ever say, “She’s got the right idea” in reference to her makeup, and, sadly, we were only saying it sarcastically. Here, honey. Take this makeup remover and go try again.
12. Never let an undertaker do your makeup for your wedding
These women have botched their makeup so badly, they don’t even look like human beings anymore. They look like they were too hungover from their bachelorette party the night before to attend their wedding. When the wedding planner got wise to the situation, she figured “the show must go on”, so she found some headless mannequins in the basement of the venue and shoved them into the bridal gowns.
After that, she took some of the leftover balloons that she’d used to decorate the place and covered them in foundation to the point where the balloons themselves could’ve popped, but the makeup would’ve been strong enough to stand on its own. Then, she just lip-lined and mascaraed the heck out of them, hoping it would convince people.
11. She’s like a knock-off Barbie come to life
If your lip liner makes it look like you’ve got a really low mustache, it’s time to reevaluate your technique. Of course, the saddest part in all of this isn’t that this woman (or, at least, we think she’s a woman. She’s under so much makeup, she could be five raccoons balancing under a trench coat, for all we know) has ruined her lip liner, it’s the way she’s chosen to do her eye makeup. We don’t know if there’s a nicer way to put this, so we’ll just say it: yikes.
10. Not even eye shadow/wardrobe coordination could save this look
Green eye shadow’s great—if you’re Oscar the Grouch. Otherwise, you should definitely stick to something more neutral that compliments your season. But that’s just a suggestion, really. If you’re like this lady, and you’re just a fan of fail, then by all means, proceed with your ill-advised eye makeup schemes. And please, take lots of pictures.
Oh, and let’s talk eyebrows. Those things are tough to perfect, man. You’ve got to walk the tightrope between too thick and too thin, between too messy and too neat, between too arched and too curved. But when you screw up in one of those areas, then your only hope of survival is shooting for uniformity. If you can’t make ’em look good, at least make ’em look bad together.
9. Hand us a pair of scissors
Her hair extensions are so horrible, we wish she’d stuck to committing a regular makeover fail. Why did you do this, sweetheart? You can’t possibly be “satisfied” with those locks! Wouldn’t you rather just apply so much mascara, it clumps together like used kitty litter instead? Wouldn’t you rather use too many different shades of eye shadow, or apply your lip liner with your non-dominant hand, or completely botch your highlighting and contouring? Next time, stick with the standard makeover disasters, because this…this is no good.
This hair piece isn’t the worst thing we’ve seen. But let’s just say if she were a doll at the store, we’d beg our mom to buy her for us just so we could take some safety scissors to that monstrosity.
8. Flashy does not equal flattering
Our biggest concern isn’t that this girl used two different shades of lipstick. It isn’t even that she used four—count ’em, FOUR—colors of eye shadow. It’s that she somehow managed to contour her face so it looks like she’s got five o’clock shadow. This is the worst makeup trend we’ve seen since furry nails and squiggle brows, make no mistake.
Her makeover disaster is so horrendous, we feel like she’s minutes away from triggering the end times, and we’re not going to stick around to watch her break that final seal. Good thing we built a bunker in the backyard. Stocked that puppy up with enough peanut butter, prepackaged snack cakes and toilet paper to tide us over until this makeup crap storm blows over.
Some people ought to have their eyebrow privileges revoked, the way they misuse them. If you’re going to draw them on like that, you shouldn’t even draw them on at all. The edges of these penciled on brows are so sharp, you could cut your fingers to pieces if you weren’t careful.
‘Course, the brows are just the whipping boy for all of the other stuff that this girl has got going on. The heavy makeup under her eyes? We don’t even need to mock that, it does a good job by itself. But somebody has got to take a stand by pointing and laughing at that lip liner job, and if we’re the only ones brave enough to do so, then we will proudly stand alone.
6. Maybe she ate too many carrots, and all the beta-carotene went to her face
We had no idea that the Oompa Loompas from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory were manufacturing their own line of spray tans now, but we feel so sorry for this girl, who was unfortunate enough to fall face first into a vat of it. What a disaster. Her sink, her towels, her clothes—everything she owns is going to be pureed pumpkin baby spit-up orange now. Such a shame.
We were about to be all sarcastic, like, “Wow, her blending job is so smooth and even! You can’t even tell she’s wearing makeup!” But this nonsense is beyond sarcasm, at this point. If you’re thinking of doing this to yourself, you would be better off putting a paper bag over your head and calling it a day.
5. Double trouble
Oh, great! There’s two of them! That’s perfect, because we love getting more bang for our buck. We can’t resist a buy one, get one free offer, even if it’s a makeup disaster. We’re suckers for a bargain.
These are the kinds of girls who are so high on their own misguided self-confidence, they walk into a bar and hear a group of people snickering at them, only they convince themselves that “they’re just jealous”, right before they drink their body weight in shots of tequila. Ah, we don’t know. Maybe we’re wrong for making preconceived notions about people. But at least we’re not as wrong as these two makeup illiterates. Watch some YouTube tutorials before you so much as look at your makeup bags again, alright girls?
4. “Contouring? Pfft! Who needs it?!”
She’s used so much foundation, we can’t even tell if she’s botched her makeup job, or if she’s botched her Photoshop job. This has to be a criminal offense, right? If not to other people, then definitely to herself. Why have you done this to your face, girl? Where’s the highlighting? Where’s the contouring? You’ve covered your forehead, your cheeks, your nose—the whole shebang in a matte finish, and for what?! You look like a paint by number!
Her makeup is so bad, it looks like her face is actually a two-way portrait with the eyes cut out, and she’s peering through the holes so she can spy on people in the next room. The only thing that looks real here are her eyeballs. It’s starting to creep us out.
3. Nobody deserves this
The longer we stare at this woman’s makeup, the more convinced we are that there is no hope. Not for you, not for us. Not for anybody. When somebody out there has eyebrows with vertical hairs like that, why bother? There’s no point in continuing.
What is this for? Why would you do that to your eyebrows? Is it supposed to be an over-extension of the eyelashes? Because there’s a huge gap between your brows and your lashes, lady, you’re not fooling anyone. The amount of how much we simply don’t understand this is starting to get to us, man. We can feel a migraine coming on, and yet even a monstrous headache would be preferable to the excruciating pain of looking at this horrendous makeover disaster.
2. Sharpies are *NOT* a makeup tool
For convenience’s sake, we’ve come up with this handy little guide, inspired by this woman’s makeup, to help assist you all when you’re applying your own. It reads as follows:
“When applying eye makeup:
Rule Number 1: Don’t use a Sharpie
Rule Number 2: That’s literally all you have to do. Just don’t use a Sharpie, and even if you do screw it up, at least it won’t be as bad as if you had used a Sharpie.
Rule Number 3: If you’re an absolute bonehead and you insist on using a Sharpie, use one that isn’t about to run out of ink.”
1. There’s a lot going on here
Ah. So we see this woman did not read our handy dandy “don’t use Sharpies as a part of your eye makeup routine” guide, and has unleashed unwarranted amounts of fail upon us as a result. Thanks a lot, lady. That’s just ginger peachy.
You know, if not for that beauty mark on her right cheek, we might be tricked into thinking she has no idea what she’s doing when it comes to makeup. Honestly, lady, what are you doing? You’ve got too many things going on here. The neon pink lipstick, the 19th century-style rouge, the over-the-top eye shadow, the beauty mark. Are you getting ready for a night of club-hopping with the squad, or are you about to time travel back to a ball in 1800’s France? PICK ONE.
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