Never trust children. I'm totally serious... Do. Not. Trust. Them. If you do, it may just be the end of your soul as you know it. They're tricky little buggers, even if they don't appear to be at first. We think that kids don't pick up on our own interactions or the world around them because they lack the experience that comes with time, but that's simply untrue. Kids can be exactly like sponges. They swiftly absorb traits from those they come into contact with. These traits, no matter how toxic or manipulative, don't seem all that threatening at first. They're just cute little humans after-all. But that's how they get you. With their charm. With their smiles... Here are 15 kids who are smooth as hell and therefore, you should definitely watch your back around them...
15 The Business Man
This so-called "Ki Marie," if that's her real name, is absolutely right. Her little brother is most definitely "smooth as hell." Without a doubt, Jeremy will have all the boys wanting to be him and all the girls wanting to be with him. He'll have his own entourage. He'll be the star of his school. His teachers and parents won't be able to stay mad at him whenever he's in trouble. Chances are he'll turn out to be a very good salesman or have one absolutely superb business career; maybe even a start-up in Silicon Valley or two. What's leading up to "Ki Marie's" little brother's future, however, is the fake ID business that he's running out of his cubby-hole. Thanks to him, a bunch of fourth graders are being let into strip-clubs and getting all hopped up on ponies of Jager.
14 The Con-Child
This is not a Halloween outfit. This is not for a presentation at school. This isn't even just for kicks. This kid is walking around Hollywood Boulevard with all the other costumed lunatics pretending to be Jack Black returning to his famous Nacho Libre role. And you know what? People are believing it! He's charging $20 per signed autograph and $50 for photographs. The kid's making bank because he's smooth enough to make people believe that he's actually the star of School of Rock, King Kong, and that new Jumanji movie. I told you this before, but never trust a kid. They can get away with murder. And thanks to Jon Favreau, the other kid is pulling in some serious coin, too, while pretending to be Mowgli from the Jungle Book. Hold your change purses close, people, these two will steal more than your hearts.
13 The Cristiano Ronaldo Of Kids
Vincenzo here is completely aware that he's destined to have a long line of wine waiting in the wings for him when he comes of age. He's a natural celebrity and boy does he know it. Just look at him. He's hamming it up for the cameras when everyone else is singing the national anthem. Talk about a smooth operator. Smooth and highly manipulative. In Yiddish, we'd call a kid like this a mamzer. And he'd not be the type parents would want their kids playing with. There's no doubt that he's got a knack for getting into trouble as he can probably charm his way out of it. This is why he'd make a very good athlete. They seem to be able to get away with a lot of questionable behavior off the field. Cristiano Ronaldo may not be one of these troubled athletes, but you certainly can see the similarities.
12 The Frat-Boy
This is a party boy or girl in the making. There's no question. This eight-year-old is fully aware of the benefits of a red Solo Cup. And therefore his future is set in stone. His typical Saturday night would start with a trip to the liquor store where his friends go in and get the booze while he waits in the parking lot for the Rohypnol dealer. His typical night would end with a drunken, barefoot stumble across an elementary school playground then waking up in a police station drunk tank. Yeah, he's sure to be the pride and joy of his parents' life. Unfortunately, with the simple addition of "Solo," this boy condemned himself to a life where he only lives for the weekends. Or, far worse, he wakes up in the gutter outside of a McDonald's every Monday morning.
11 They're A Big-Deal
If this is what this kid is like now, imagine what he'd be like when he's 15 years older... This is the kind of guy that would spend his entire savings on a supped-up Lambo with a custom interior and an obnoxious brag-plate. He'd be the type who would demand the best valet parking service for his car when he visits his country club. But he'd only tip them if they parked the car with the wheels perfectly straight. God help anyone who accidentally dings or scratches his baby. He'd financially ruin them. That is after he verbally berated them in front of their crying kids in the parking lot. Yeah, this is who this kid is destined to become. He's going to think he's the biggest deal in the world. I mean, he's probably 4 years old and already thinks he is. I'm sure there are actual cars that need to be parked safely outside of his building, and resent this little punk for thinking he's important enough to park his toy there instead.
10 The Book-Cooker Kid
I'm angry with this teacher. Truly... What's wrong with him? Crossing out the "10" with a big green ex? You can't fault the kid. They're not technically wrong. In fact, I'd say they're incredibly observant and thorough. These are admirable traits. They'll probably go on to have a career in something incredibly detail-oriented; accounting for instance. They could be very successful. Maybe even working for a mobster. Okay, on second thought, maybe the teacher was right to dissuade them. They may end up making a lot of very bad people very rich by scamming the government and fooling the cops. Hey, you can't say they'll have a bad life, though. What with all the swimming pools and Corvettes bought and paid for with money from black-tar heroin sales.
9 The Prom Date Dude
Is it just me or does this kid look like he's about to pick up your youngest daughter and whisk her away to prom on the back of his beaten-up Ducati? This is the kind-of guy you don't want around your girls. Seriously. He's bad news all the way. Look at the way he's leaning against that table with his hand at his side. His foot crossed so cavalierly, the glimmer in his side-eyes is that of a schemer. He knows what he's going to get. And what he's going to get is your daughter's heart wrapped around his sticky-Cheerio fingertips. Now, I'm not saying that this little guy is the type to go and pull a full "Cosby," he may not have to after all. Girls love a bad boy. I'm just saying that we maybe want to keep an eye or two on him. Better safe than sorry.
8 The Chandler-Bing-Type
We all know a class-clown. They're the attention steeler in the back. Someone who can either get him or herself into trouble (or out of it) by just using a witty comment or two. Most of the time class-clowns know that they have this power. The child who drew this clearly knew. How could they not have? They wouldn't have spent so much time drawing it if they didn't know. I, for one, applaud the Chandler Bing-esque level of comedy and creativity. But problems arise when the kid starts using this level of acute awareness in situations where he or she could get away with a hell of a lot more than winning an extra point on a test. Class clowns are always the ones we need to be extra wary about because you never know when the joke is going to be on you.
7 The Fashionista
This could be him in his Halloween outfit, heading to school to celebrate the day. It could be him trying to make his parents laugh at their fancy garden party. Or, it could be him plotting his fashion design debut. With the exception of Lady Gage, circa 2009, almost everyone would avoid wearing an outfit like this in public. However, every single time you check-out a runway show, the models are draped in the most outrageous outfits that make this little boy's cabbage look appear as normal as a white Ralph Lauren tee. Fashion designers like some really bats**t crazy stuff. That's for sure. So there's a strong chance that this boy will slide into that world and become incredibly successful. They'll love him because he's suave enough to pull off a number like this, but he's scary enough to fear him simultaneously, as he'll throw a hot coffee in your face if you give him the side-eye.
6 The Afflicted Child
I'm not sure I ever believed that sex-addiction was a real thing until seeing this. I'm sure it really is a thing, you know when it's not an excuse used by men for very bad behavior. But if they say that sex addiction is something that develops early, this may be evidence. The kid totally went full Aberforth Dumbledore here. (That was a little Harry Potter reference for all you Potterheads out there.) I'm not sure that most kids are even considering naughty wrestling with another person, let alone an unwilling farm-animal. His poor parents. What are they ever going to say at the parent-teacher meeting? Anyway, if this kid just didn't space properly he may want to correct that type of error quickly. Who knows what else he could "accidentally," say?
5 The Undercover Bully
Kathleen is doing everything she can to remain "the good girl" in the eyes of her parents and her teachers. Every adult thinks she's just this absolute doll. But her classmates, on the other hand, know Kathleen to be an absolute b**ch! Those beer-goggle glasses and obnoxiously ugly pink doggie t-shirt doesn't fool them. Kathleen (also known by her street name "Katie") does everything from petty theft to down-right bullying and always gets away with it by blaming others who look more the part. She's one manipulative little lady. There was even a time when Katie fell down the stairs and broke her leg in order for her parents to sue the school and the girl who "pushed" her out of all of their money. Katie got a pony after this. The pony has since committed suicide as even he couldn't stand being around this little monster.
4 The Mobster's Son
So many children write Santa letters during the holiday season. Sadly, most don't receive any response at all, though. Well, some may receive one from the lonely old woman who works at the post-office. But I have a strange feeling that ole' Saint Nicholas will be responding swiftly to this child's greeting. At first glance, you may believe this to be a sweet young man inquiring about the health of the reindeer while requesting money with spelling mistakes and all. But if you look closer, you'll see that it's a thinly veiled threat. This kid will ice those reindeer if he doesn't get what he wants. And apparently what he wants is lots of money and "tens"... Which, I suppose means that he wants every girl that Leo DiCaprio has ever dated. Yep, this kid is a mobster. How do I know that? Well, the letter isn't written with a red Crayola... it's written in blood...
3 American Psycho In The Making
Oh, yes, the title is exactly what I meant. There's not a doubt in my mind that this young man has grown-up to be Chicago's most famous serial killer. The teacher's pet act was totally a facade. Look past it. He sweet-talked his superiors into thinking that he was this upstanding gentleman. He wasn't blamed for anything; even when all of his classmates thought he had ended the class hamster, he had the teachers played. He was like Voldemort when he was at Hogwarts. All the professors loved him. They didn't know he would become a bigoted criminal. Same thing's happening here. Yeah, he looked like Stanley Tucci in The Lovely Bones, but he'd also grow-up to be him. Don't believe me? Well, let's get this kid on Mindhunter and find out...
2 The 'Married With Children' Child
Does this kid not remind you of Al (Ed O'Neill) in the classic sit-com Married With Children? All he needs is to have his hand down his pants and a half-drunken beer by his side and he'd be a spitting image. Then again, this kid, who I'll call Alfie, appears to be a tad more classy. A few year from now, Alfie could very well be sitting by a warm fire with a cigar, a brandie, and a new woolly jumper. Everyone would believe him to be the classiest of men. Someone who we would aspire to be. I imagine him to be a professor. Maybe of English literature. No, actually, let's say sociology. Alfie would be renowned. He'd have a lovely, intelligent, and devoted wife of many years, three kids, and a cat named Casablanca. It would all go to hell, however, when it was released that he had inappropriately coerced some of his students into performing sexual favors for higher grades... Ah... the world we live in...
1 The Possible Hope For Humankind
This final one could go one of two ways. Let's start with the pessimistic approach... She could grow up be the type who will constantly use her cunning, smart-a** sense of humor and keen observational skills to her own personal advantage. This would usually be to the detriment of others. You know the type of girl; the one who sits happily in a group of people while secretly plotting to destroy them all. A Glenn Close in Dangerous Liaisons, if you will. (See that movie if you haven't...) Or, she could turn out to be a total game changer. She could very well grow up to a mover-and-shaker that changes oppressive and segregated systems, morphing them into places more reflective of our diverse society. Lord knows we need more of those in this day and age...