Sometimes all we need to bring us together is the birth of a phenomenally fortunate baby whose life will exceed ours in almost every way. We just a kid whose very existence is more interesting than some people’s whole lives. That’s what will heal the world — a little pink bundle of fortune that represents an ancient monarchy most of us don’t really get the point of.
Regardless of what role the royal family plays, they’re definitely fun to look at. We’ve got a big old wedding to look forward to (and who doesn’t love a wedding?) and now we’ve got a tiny new baby on our hands, so let’s all lose our collective minds on Twitter.
Anyway, here are the people that are doing the best jobs at losing their minds and voicing how we all feel about this new bundle of joy.
25 The Ones Who Aren't Having It
Royal Baby announcements are irrelevant unless it belongs to Jon Snow and Daenerys— Adam Bull (@AdamGBull) September 4, 2017
I really get what this person is saying — and that’s a totally valid feeling. But on the other hand, ew. Let’s not all wish for more incest babies in the most incestuous, fake royal family ever. Can we all just be happy that Kate Middleton and Prince William didn’t meet at a family reunion or through a series of flashbacks clarifying that they’re family?
You can say a lot of things about the royal family, but at least they’re not all related. Well, at least I think. I need to do some research to back up that claim. Anyway, they’re real and they may not own dragons but if anyone in our world would have access to a dragon, it’s them. And also, we’ve got to work with what we have until a new season of Game of Thrones starts back up.
24 When Neither Should Be Eaten
Kate Middleton debuts new baby outside the hospital, while I debut a hot dog I purchased outside the Sunoco gas station— Stefan Urquelle (@OfficeofSteve) April 23, 2018
I don’t think Kate Middleton is at any risk of digesting her baby, but I am concerned for this other girl. That gas station hot dog might be swaddled in napkins like a baby, but it’s nowhere as clean. Just leave it at a fire station and move on with your life, preferably in the direction of fruit or a vegetable. Even if we're talking about a newborn baby that just came from inside someone’s body, it's still cleaner than a gas station meal.
That royal baby could easily still have some goop clinging on to him in a hard to reach area and I still trust it’s hygiene far more than that hot dog.
(Sorry for bringing up birth goop, it’s just that the mention of a gas station hot dog really eliminated any niceties for me.)
23 In Another World
Imagine if Kate and Will just announced the royal baby was called Keith— JM (@jxssmitchell) April 23, 2018
Prince Keith is obviously such a chill dude. He's probably the chillest of the royals and that’s counting the Queen’s corgis, so that's saying something.
Are any of the royal family’s heirlooms a pair of diamond-studded men’s flip flops? (Is that a thing?) I'm not trying to come off as super ignorant about the royal family, but what are the policies around surfboarding while eating a pizza with sunglasses on? Oh, that’s extremely prohibited?
I think Prince Keith and these stuffy rules are going to have some trouble.
We might need to rework this whole "royalty" thing to involve about 200% more parkour than it currently involves. Fine, 200% of zero is still zero, but we need to make some changes for the wellbeing of little Prince Keith.
22 When Anything Passes For Cute
From the few pictures of the royal baby we’ve seen, it is slightly cuter than Mr. Bean, but it’s also not actually that cute. And this isn’t the baby’s fault! I'm sure the baby will become a much cuter toddler. Newborns are always the worst looking of all babies.
It’s just a rough time in life to be picture perfect.
As a newborn, you just have to hope everyone looks at your gorgeous princess mother while you get your bearings and maybe grow out some teeth and hair. But, then again, everyone calls every baby cute. That being said, can we just introduce the possibility that some babies are maybe a little ugly? No? We’re going to keep calling them beautiful? I mean, the future and possibilities they represent is beautiful but… Okay, I’ll be quiet.
21 When You Shut It Down
There is no truth to the rumour that the baby will be presented on the balcony, whilst playing the Circle of Life. Sorry. #royalbaby— Prince Charles (@Charles_HRH) April 23, 2018
You have to appreciate family members taking on the responsibilities their relatives are a little too busy for. it's pretty sweet. That’s just a good grandfather to handle this little issue while his son becomes a new father.
While Kate Middleton was giving birth (and then immediately becoming gorgeous),
she didn’t have the spare minute to clarify that her and Prince William weren’t staging an amazing Lion King homage.
I would like them to rethink that snub to one of the greatest Disney creations but… I get it that the opportunity has passed. I won’t even be greedy and hope for yet another royal baby so that maybe this time we’ll get a “Circle of Life” style introduction. But I wouldn’t say no to that either.
20 The Shade Of It All
They’re really telling it like they see it. Also, this writer probably doesn’t have a job anymore, but let’s just be in awe of this caption writer for saying what so many were thinking. feelings around the royal family are… shall we say, complicated. And ambivalent.
Some folks follow them like a favorite sports team (myself included if that wasn’t evident by calling them “sports teams,” you know, just all sports in general) and some people are really not having it, since it’s sort of like a state-funded family of Kardashians.
So, you know, we can understand both sides. And guess which side this caption writer falls on. It really is just like the Kardashians. I won’t blame you for however you feel about the family, but I do know my own guilty pleasures, and these people are absolutely one of them.
19 Just Helping
Some #RoyalBaby names that work well with George:— innocent drinks (@innocent) April 23, 2018
Of The Jungle
For a little context, this baby was born on St. George’s day. So that’s where these great recommendations are coming from. “Of the Jungle” isn’t the most accurate name (since it should be George of the Palace) but I don’t mind that much.
Harrison makes more sense since George Harrison was actually British but… let’s not rely too much on logic to make these decisions.
Maybe let’s just find the quickest way to get a royal baby a very silly name and make it come true before anyone can rethink it. You know what I said about the Kardashians and the Royal Babies? It’s untrue in one sense, which is that the Kardashians are constantly topping each other’s weird baby names and the royal family has to keep it way more traditional.
18 In Case You Were Confused
Line of Succession— St Peter (@stpeteyontweety) April 23, 2018
Po of the Teletubbies
A cup of tea
I know what you're thinking, how did Po get on the list?
So Meghan Markle isn't the first royal with an acting career? What’s going on with Po’s family line, are all the Teletubbies not related? I guess that’s like assuming all dogs are related but… (they are, right?)
So shouldn’t Dipsy or Tinky-Winky have some claim to the throne?
Ugh, this all gets so messy when you’re talking about family members and power. Let’s keep it clean and civil, and pass the crown along to that cup of tea. The cup of tea deserves the crown and would make a really great ruler, even if that season of The Crown would be strangely still and boring. Or just give it to Kanye. He’s two years away from demanding it over MySpace anyway.
17 That Back Handed Compliment
Congratulations to the new royal baby! He has his mother's eyes, and his father's hair.— Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome) April 24, 2018
This one made me so, so happy. It might be my favorite since it’s comparing a grown man to a baby. I’m always down to make fun of that thinning royal hair.
Are we allowed to have a bald royal or is that one of those things that’s weirdly against the rules for the royal family? It would be so weird if they had a rule against it, but if anyone was to have a rule preventing baldness… It’d be the Kardashians or the British royals, and that’s just the case.
Anyway, this was a solid burn that’s also a very nice congratulations. That’s a difficult line to straddle. Actually, the only downside of this tweet was that it made me anxious for the day Harry goes bald. I really don’t want to believe it’ll happen, but let’s be real.
16 When It's Just Never Going To Happen
If anyone is acutely aware that there’s so little chance of the crown ever reaching him… it’s Harry. That’s always been a fact of his life and he definitely still has a sweet deal going for him.
He’s got all the perks of being a royal with slightly less of the responsibility of actually wearing the crown.
Then again, it’s a tough pill to swallow when a baby demotes you. His nephew will always have that over him, even if at the end of the day they both get to lead the most luxurious life. Even if it’s family and it’s a super dated set of rules governing who gets the crown, a newborn just knocked you out of line. How does a baby even do that?
15 Why The Commoners Weren't Asked Their Opinion
Do we get to name him? I’m going for Princey McPrince Face. #RoyalBaby— Despicable Lee (@rushworth71) April 23, 2018
It would be hilarious if a gigantic fan for the artist Prince struck Kate and William, and they insisted on naming their son after him. It’d be super out of left field, but I really believe the public deserves a Prince Prince. We’ve gone through a lot and have had to put up with a lot of nonsense, so if we could have one tiny baby with a ridiculous name… that’d be a really nice reward for a lot of hard work is all I’m saying.
I’m just asking you consider it, Kate.
I know you probably want something beautiful and dignified, but you’ve already got two of those. So just consider giving this one to the little guy and naming him Prince Prince the first (and obviously the last).
14 Such A Day
Kate Middleton’s day:— Ellie Taylor (@EllieJaneTaylor) April 23, 2018
11am - Birth human
4pm - Blow dry and full make up
6pm - Present new heir to media looking red carpet ready
11am - Wake up, eat cheese
4pm - Put bra on
6pm - Take bra off, eat cheese#royalbaby
I’m not going to tell this woman how to live her life, but two hours of wearing a bra? Why? That’s way too long. Slap that thing on for the half-hour you have to spend out of the house, but only if you know you’ll see someone you know. If it’s just going to the grocery store, don’t bother. Also, only wear a bra to see someone you know if you don’t like them enough to trust they won’t judge you for not wearing a bra. Or, if you really don’t like them, then skip the bra just to annoy them.
I think what I’m saying is eat more cheese and wear less bras.
Except Kate Middleton obviously never gets a second off and was probably getting powdered off between pushes. Ugh, just the thought of that makes me want to slip into a cheese lake.
13 And Back To The Critics
Of course, with the government's new 2 child limit, I presume William and Kate's third child will receive no state support. #royalbaby— David Schneider (@davidschneider) September 4, 2017
It was getting a little hot with all that excitement so let’s move back into the shade. Yeah, I mean the shady tweets. Let’s cool down with some ice cold burns.
Just ignore how contradictory that phrase is, please and thank you.
If you’re not familiar, this guy is referring to a year-old British program that allows tax credits for a family’s first two children but not the third, fourth, fifth… you get it. All the kids that could come after the second, is what I'm saying. You know, families that could really use a financial break. So this guy definitely has a point and probably has all his facts lined up. Except there’s no way the royals even pay taxes, right? (I’m really asking, I have no idea.)
12 When You Have Fans Everywhere
Most of why this is hilarious to me is because I’ve never heard of Hacker T Dog before, and the remaining hilarity is absolutely because his tongue is made out of a stale dog jerky treat. This is just the most ridiculous puppet I’ve seen in a long time and it’s as pure and kid-friendly as it is oddly creepy.
I'm sure Hacker T Dog is a good guy when he’s on the job, but he definitely goes to some shady places in his free time.
That’s a dog whose got some hobbies, you know? Also, is there a reason he’s dressed like a mafia king or is this a dog that just resides in Reno and owns a few semi-successful casinos? Or is he just too much of a fan of The Sopranos and lies about being from New Jersey?
11 When You've Got A Franchise
ROYAL BABY— THE DUKE OF SURREY (@samwrite) September 4, 2017
ROYAL BABY: RESURRECTION #royalbaby
“The Royal Babying: Back and Babier than Ever.” That’s my pitch, although I completely understand if Americans aren’t eligible to pitch. I get that, we ditched you guys a while ago. I won’t give Britain these mixed signals for bailing (big time) and then asking to get invited back.
That said, I really like my title and think it’s one of the best ones. We could definitely get The Rock on board. We could make this a summer blockbuster if we do it right. I’m really only volunteering myself for the job because “Royal Baby: Resurrection” is extremely confusing and suggests the scariest birth, so I feel like you guys need fresh minds on the project. All I’m saying is I’m happy to be a ghost writer and receive no credits if you’ll have me.
10 The Priorities Are Straight
A third royal baby, can we get a bank holiday for this https://t.co/EFzO6VIQ3f— A N T O N Y (@Antony_Whitaker) September 4, 2017
This is a pretty fair response to news about a baby this guy will most likely never meet or interact with at all, but will definitely see on newspapers and magazines covers for the rest of time.
Look, he’s not unduly upset about this family or this baby (which more people are than you’d expect), and he’s not over the moon about another baby.
The guy could just use the day off or a nice long weekend. That’s a reasonable request, I think.
The answer is obviously no but I do think the British public would feel more of a tie to the royal family if birth days were bank holidays. You could drum up a lot of support with that one and everyone would be less grumpy.
9 Finally, A Professional
Royal baby name pitches:— Sarah Silverman (@SarahKSilverman) April 23, 2018
Joseph, Michael, Henry, Idris, Sandy, Clyde, Butch, Grandpa Al Lewis, Jude, Bub
Let’s get some expert opinions on this silly baby name. If it seems too soon to name a child “grandpa,” please just look down the line about 60 years because this baby will someday be an old man. Sure, it’s really jumping to the end of the story before it’s even begun, but it is inevitable.
Idris is a legitimate contender. This baby would be named after a terrific British citizen and such a talented actor. If any two Idris’ are on their way up, it’s Elba and this baby. Prince Idris sounds like some old school dignified royal-ness. Or go with Bubba, it’s the third kid anyway. He’ll never have the crown, hopefully. So name him Hamburger or Hungry Pigeon, who cares? He's practically a commoner.
8 The Weirdest Way To Put It
If anyone would have an accurate idea of how weird it is for millions of people to fixate on when one woman will give birth, it’s an extremely pregnant celebrity. That’s really what this is when it all comes down to it. Sometimes you can only realize how weird a thing is by calling it what it really is.
Like how milk is baby fat water.
Sounds a lot less appetizing now when you consider it’s a hormone-drenched beverage intended to make babies fat enough that their death is less likely, doesn’t it? Anyway, sorry your womb is an object of fascination worldwide, Kate. I promise it’s not personal, it’s only because you’re beautiful and rich and fancy and kind of signed up for some level of attention at all times.
7 More Realness
Let’s keep this real for the moms. The Duchess is wearing a diaper. pic.twitter.com/kl6SJUu6T0— Molly McNearney (@mollymcnearney) April 23, 2018
I just really appreciate this insider assessment of what’s going on at the moment from a mom. As gorgeous as Kate looks, something very ugly (and beautiful in its own way, but mostly messy) just occurred.
We can dress it up with a little lace collar but let’s be real — she just pushed a person out of her little body. That’s not easy. A lot of grim realities exist right out of sight in this picture, as nice as it seems.
Also, William, please put a tie on. You didn’t just give birth. Kate shouldn’t even be standing up and you’ve got the end-of-a-long-day look? I don’t think so. Button that collar and put in 1/100th of the effort she has to put in.
6 A Great Point
Why doesn't third baby, the largest of the royal children, simply not surpass the other children in line to the throne? https://t.co/M4lIDDchqU— Rachael Krishna (@RachaelKrishna) April 23, 2018
The monarchy is ancient and weird and backwards, so I feel like this new rule could really fit in and make things more fun. Why doesn’t the heaviest baby take control? Give the meatiest kid the crown — they’re probably the heartiest.
Sure, they won’t actually do any of the ruling, but let’s lean into these weird traditions with some real animalistic law. Why not fight for the throne Black Panther-style?
If Charlotte can arm wrestle George, that’s her throne now.
That makes more sense than the deluded line of succession that currently exists. Also, then we’d know who’s the scrappiest of the bunch by whose got the throne. And I bet it’d be Meghan Markle in a stunning upset that no one sees coming. We'd finally have a Californian Queen of England.
5 But Who Are They Waving To?
Are they seriously surrounded by a giant wave of humans reaching up 20-feet or just one extremely tall person waving down to them? Who are they making eye contact with in this picture besides a cloud formation shaped like the queen? Are they in the center of a Coliseum-style receiving area for birth announcements? (I meant that jokingly but if that kind of structure were to exist anywhere, it’d be at Buckingham Palace.) That’s such an intimidating thought. Anyway, I love the mental image of some superhero stork flying away after delivering a royal baby. It might be the most logical explanation of how Kate already looks so perfect.
She didn’t give birth, a feathery, glorified UPS delivery guy just dropped one off. Hold up, sign for that baby!
4 The One True Baby
"The name of the royal baby..." said 4-year-old Prince George, flipping down his shades and raising a pacifier to his lips, "is George."— Louis Virtel (@louisvirtel) April 23, 2018
All these other royal babies are afterthoughts on the chubbiest-cheeked, blonde cherub of them all: Prince George. It’s like how the sequel is never as good as the original.
That said, Princess Charlotte is my favorite of the babies but I know it doesn’t matter. She’s not the royal baby. We’re not going to make an improvement after that marshmallow man. It’s like how Prince Harry will always be the more attractive, interesting sibling but none of that matters because he won’t wear the crown.
This baby can never compete with his older brother. He can cure cancer and bring back the dodo, but it won’t matter because he doesn’t get that crown.
So let’s pay attention to the baby that really matters — the original royal baby.
3 Fan Theories
Prince George paces the playroom, "Little brother, eh? 'Little' is the keyword. Small. Insignificant. THIRD-in-line." He holds a jeweled dagger up to the light. "No one can replace a STAR!"— Chris Schleicher (@cschleichsrun) April 23, 2018
"I like pie. I am girl," says Charlotte.
"Shut your biscuit-hole, the HEIR is talking!" pic.twitter.com/6nkjMfrYjM
Guys, I love this Boss Baby universe extension/crossover that is Prince George fanfiction. He’ll have an villainous laugh, right? He needs a sidekick — but definitely not Princess Charlotte, since she’s the force of all that’s good in this world. Maybe he could have a scheming Corgi he confides all his master plans in? Most of those master plans should have to do with stealing strudels from tables taller than he is, but a few can be about trying on the crown before his tenth birthday. Maybe one scheme can be an actual international operation. I’m just throwing out ideas but his sidekick Corgi definitely needs to be able to operate a helicopter. That’s an essential sidekick characteristic, especially when the mastermind is a toddler.
2 A Little Bit Of Perspective
The #royalbaby is straight people’s equivalent of a new Ariana single.— Philip Ellis (@Philip_Ellis) April 23, 2018
I just really appreciate that this guy would go through the trouble of translating the excitement of a royal baby to people who don’t get it. Well, specifically people who aren’t excited about the royal baby, but are huge fans of Ariana Grande. I honestly don’t know how much overlap those two character traits have — it could easily be a huge swath of society or five people living in the same town. But I still appreciate the effort.
And just like an Ariana Grande single, if this baby gets a music video I will lose my mind rushing to YouTube to check it out.
Kate Middleton is one outfit change away from performing grueling choreography a few hours after giving birth so let’s just make a day of it!
1 We Can Never Binge Enough
Guys, time is an unending race and none of us will ever catch up with The Crown. Claire Foy has some serious job security as long as Netflix throws in enough flashbacks to keep her busy every season. And even if Claire Foys doesn’t get enough scenes to qualify as a season regular, generations of Brits will still be cast to keep up with the many, many characters we’re guaranteed in future seasons.
The Crown is like the song that never ends if only because it’s not yet over. No one can possibly skip to the end of the story because we’re still only at the middle. So if anyone has a chance at unseating The Simpsons or Law & Order as the longest running show, it’s probably a show with at least four decades left.