The internet is a strange place. It's a place of seriousness and gravitas, but it's also a place of whimsy and wonder. It's a place where we can read up on any topic we could possibly dream up, and where we can learn to our heart's content. It's a place where we can keep up with what's happening in the world right now and weigh in with our opinions. But, at the same time, it's a place where we can watch cat videos and look at funny pictures into the wee hours of the morning. The internet is a mixture of hot and cold, black and white, yin and yang. It's fun, and we waste an inordinate amount of time on it, but we can't deny it's weird.
The internet is also unique in the sense that it's the only place in the world where one might encounter some random stranger begging other random strangers to insult them for no reason whatsoever other than "well, it might be funny." Sure, these 15 people asked other internet-goers to tell them what it looks like they do for a living, but what they really wanted was to be roasted to a crisp—and, boy, did they get what they asked for.
15 Hey, too-small pants are so *in* right now!
Nothing, and we mean nothing, declares to the world that a person has got it goin' on like wearing a pair of pants that are about two sizes too small. We don't know what it is about them, but that's the most effective way for a person to cement themselves as a veritable fashionista. There is no better way of doing this, okay? We know. We've tried. If a person walks into a room with appropriately sized pants, they'll be a big "so what?" But, if a person walks into a room with pants that should only be worn by small children? Yes sir, that's how one keeps all eyes to themselves.
Of all seven of the guys in this picture, only two of them look like they're wearing the right pant size. The other five look like they raided their younger siblings' closets for dress pants before coming to whatever formal event this is. We're not criticizing, we mean, we live in a hot climate, we know the benefits of wearing cropped pants. They help the wearer stay cooler and darned if they don't look fab all the while. But in this case? We're not sure too-small pants was the look this squad was going for.
14 It's like she's trying to say something...
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Before anyone goes trying to decipher this encrypted message, allow us to call our code-breaker friend (because that's definitely a bestie trope that most people have in their squad) and see if she can't shed some light on this strange sentence. We know Morse code and we know flag signals and even some ancient runes, but we've never seen this sort of gibberish. Can't make heads or tales of it. We can tell this poor girl is trying to tell us something—possibly something very, very important—unfortunately, we just can't figure out what that something is.
Nah, we kid. We can tell this girl was just begging the people of the internet to roast her by asking them to tell her what it looks like she does for a living. It's just she picked the worst way of conveying that to readers. "What look I does it do for a it living"? Honey, no. What? Erase that whole sentence and start over from word one, because this is an embarrassment to grammar and the English language. Still, were it not for this brave soul's valiant non-proof reading efforts, we never would've seen this wicked good roast. So, in the end, everything works out.
13 What can she say? She's a good noodle
What? So sue her if she looks like she's smart. When did intelligence become a crime? Pfft. These people are just jealous of this girl and her intellectual prowess. Besides, if they wanted to know the answers to the test, then they should have done the mature, good noodle thing and studied diligently the week before the exam. We mean, their teacher always lets his students know when they have a test coming up, it's not like her fellow students didn't have a chance to learn this material. If they chose not to take advantage of that study time, that's their loss. Why should they profit from her knowledge?
This roast is a two-way street because it's an insult to some, yet a compliment to others. It's got a lot going on.
To the kids who hated that one student that always covered their answers during a test to prevent would-be answer stealers from stealing said answers, then this is a roast of the finest quality. But to all of the one time pupils out there who covered their answers during a test to prevent their lazy classmates from copying their work, this is quite the compliment. We're officially declaring this roast open to interpretation.
12 We're facepalming at the very thought
One of the biggest reasons why we love these internet roasts is because the insults that get thrown around are so oddly specific, it's astounding. Case in point? This little roast-let. The fact that someone on social media could look at this guy and immediately recognize him as that one kid in the class who, when it's his turn to read, goes so slowly and stumbles over the words so badly that, by the end of his turn, none of his classmates will even be able to start reading again because listening to him read was such torture, they already plucked out their own eyeballs, amazes us no end.
We tried to see this guy as anything other than that one student who reads unbearably slow, but, alas, it could not be done. If we were this guy, we would look at this accurate roast, accept the truth, hard as it is to do so, and then we'd do whatever we could to turn our appearance around. The first thing he can do is close his mouth. You never look smart with your jaw hanging open. People look at you like they expect you to start drooling. It's an automatic lowering of other everyone's expectations of you.
11 He's a fedora away from taking on his true form: The Nice Guy
The tidy hair. The beard. The glasses. The dress shirt and tie. The blatantly obvious extra attention paid to his personal hygiene. Yep. We would never have thought up such a specific insult to throw at this guy, we can clearly see that this roast hit the nail on the head. This is a nice guy, and not just any nice guy. Not just the nice guys who you work with who are nice and just happen to be guys.
This is the kind of dude who gets rejected time and again, and chooses to believe it's because women prefer bad boys to him, a self-proclaimed "nice guy".
One look at this dude tells us that he's the kind of guy who holds doors open for women then feels entitled to their phone numbers. The kind of guy who thinks he's earned a date with a girl just because he showed her basic human decency. And you know what the sad thing is? This may be completely inaccurate! Maybe he isn't a "nice guy", maybe he's a rude guy, but his squeaky clean appearance has sealed his fate. He should do something about that. Maybe get a fedora. No, no, that would make it worse.
10 He should've known better than to ask
If there's one thing that we have learned from these roasts, it's that you should never ask for the truth if you're not prepared to hear it. And after seeing the insults getting tossed around here, we have also realized that we definitely aren't prepared to hear the truth about ourselves. Heck, these slams are so intense at times, we don't know if we're prepared to check out insults that haven't even been directed at us! The brutality here is something else. We're inspired by all of this lack of chill, but at the same time, we're shook.
Oh, brother. Sweetheart, you should have known better than to log onto the information superhighway and ask these cruel people what it looks like your occupation should be. You should have taken one look in the mirror and decided then and there never to betray yourself like that. But you didn't. You did not heed those internal warnings, and now, you have to deal with this onslaught of accurate criticism. We're not sure if we should admire this guy's bravery or if we should pity his ignorance. Actually, there's a third option. We guess we could buy some cookies from him instead. Yeah, we'll go with that.
9 Girl got a seven-head
If you have to have a head, then all you can do is cross your fingers and hope you get a forehead. Too short a forehead and you'll end up with a three-head. You'll be walking around, looking like an idiot with your lower than average hairline, and that's no bueno. But, you don't want to end up too far on the other end of the spectrum, either, because a tad too much forehead and you'll end up with a five-head, and if that happens, you won't stand a chance. You'll be hearing big forehead jokes from now until the end of time.
This girl has enough forehead for herself and then some. She should donate that extra bit to someone with a three-head, because this? This is just greedy.
Her hairline is receding so fast, we feel like it's further and further back on her scalp every time we look at this picture. Honestly, what was she thinking? You can't waltz online with a picture like this and expect the people of the internet—we'll repeat that: the people of the internet—to be all nice and sweet to you. They're gonna hand you your ego on a silver plate. This could've been prevented.
8 Okay, yes, but honestly, same
Alright, okay, fine. So maybe this guy does look like he stepped in front of a full-length mirror, asked himself what it looks like he does for a living and ended up as perplexed as us whenever we try to watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians. We tease this guy, sure, but, you know, we can relate to him. It's hard to be objective about yourself. It's hard to see yourself as an unbiased party might because when you look at yourself, you don't just see yourself. You see yourself through your own eyes (no duh, right?), and your opinion of your own appearance is influenced by your thoughts, hopes and dreams. Looking at you with your own perspective is hecka misleading.
Maybe this guy thought people would chime into his roast request—uh, we mean, to his question regarding what it looks like he does for a living, with compliments. With things like, "OMG! You look like a model!" or stuff like "Bro, UR lookin' fine *O.K. hand sign emoji*". But, unfortunately for this confused fellow, those sorts of compliments were not to be. Instead of getting hit with a tidal wave of praise, he was showered with shade. Well, that's life for you.
7 Quit fartin' around and get back to class, Matt
Matt, stop goofing off outside the school and just get back to gym class. Participation's half the grade and, no offense, but it looks like that's half you really can't afford to lose. But, hey, who needs to be physically buff when you're a Yu-Gi-Oh! master? Your all-star athlete classmates may be on top of the world right today, but that nonsense is going to taper off after high school. Their star may be all bright and sparkly now, but that's going to fade fast as soon as they graduate.
Physical fitness is overrated. Japanese manga-inspired card games. That's where it's at.
Muscle mass deteriorates, but those Yu-Gi-Oh! card playing skills? Those stay with you your whole life. Besides, do you think that some kid with buff triceps and quads and spectacular hand-eye coordination is going to go farther in life than some dweeb with a deck of cards in his backpack that he bought from Targets and dollar stores? Yeah, we don't think so. You jocks might think you're better than Yu-Gi-Oh! master Matt, but let's see you get a full-ride scholarship to college. Who's laughing now? Well, not Matt because he forgot his inhaler at home and laughing makes him wheeze—but, still!
6 The truth shall set you free, but it's hecka hard to hear
We admire these people so much. Sure, they got roasted to crispy pieces, but they asked for it. They were brave enough and comfortable in their own skin enough to ask the cruel, brutal people of the world wide web what they look like they do for a living, and while we also think they're foolhardy for such behavior, we can't help but be impressed by them, because there's no way in heck you would catch us doing something like that. Our self-esteem is tattered enough as it is, we don't need any help with lowering our self-confidence, thanks.
This girl wanted to be roasted, but that doesn't make seeing said roast any easier. We mean, yikes. Wowza, there is no chill whatsoever in that insult. But, you know what? We think this slam would have been a lot easier on that girl had she just cut out the hearts filter. With the hearts, we all know exactly what's going on here. But without the hearts, there's a lot of room for guessing. Nobody can say for sure if you take those hearts out of there, so if this girl wants to get roasted again, that would be our advice to her.
5 Arthritis is a serious issue, people
Hey, no! No laughing here, this is not funny, this is not something that we should be chuckling about. We will have you know that arthritis is a serious issue in this country, and it's because of practical jokers and roasters like you guys that people don't take it more seriously. Alright, fine. So maybe this guy does look like he grunts when he sits down, but that's because his joints hurt, and you might think that's hilarious, but just you wait until your knees start aching and your feet feel like they're being stabbed with knives after being up and about all day. Doesn't sound so funny now, does it?
We're sorry if we sound harsh, we're just sick of people brushing these joint pain issues under the rug.
We have had it up to here with politicians and celebrities and self-appointed Twitter comedians acting like joint inflammation is a joke, because it isn't. Rheumatism is a bigger issue than any of us could ever have imagined, and you can ignore it all you want, but it won't go away. Little roasts like this might make light of that very serious subject, but in this case, laughter is not the best medicine.
4 This guy is our least favorite character from "The Lion King"
Well, this guy asked what it looks like he does for a living and we guess he got his answer. Too bad it probably wasn't something he wanted to hear. We mean, unless you're being compared to one of their princesses or princes, it's hard to take pride in being compared to a Disney character, at least in terms of looks. If this guy ever finds himself in a position where he has to describe his face to someone over the phone or something, he's going to feel silly saying he looks like Scar from The Lion King in his human form.
But, you know...The Lion King was inspired in part by Hamlet, so we guess this guy could twist this insult around and turn it into something of a compliment. Instead of telling other people that he looks like Mufasa's ne'er-do-well brother who ends up pushing off a cliff and into a wildebeest stampede, he could say that he looks like the villain in a Shakespearean Disney film. Oooh! That sounds so much fancier, doesn't it? And it's bound to get the ole curiosity going in any potential dates. Who doesn't love a broody lion with emotional baggage—er, we mean guy, not lion. Sorry.
3 Yeah, but he probably gets free Cheetos
Okay, look. There's no sugarcoating it. This guy looks like Chester Cheetah, better known as the Cheetos mascot, and there's just no way around that. But there's no reason for this guy to panic because, even though this is an undeniable cloud, it does have a silver lining that makes it all worthwhile. Yes, he looks like the Cheetos mascot. But the joke is on us because he's over there getting half of Chester Cheetah's lifetime supply of Cheetos in the mail, and we're over here not being mistaken for anyone famous. So maybe we're the ones who really got roasted here, not this guy.
We would gladly look like Chester Cheetah if we thought we could get free Cheetos out of the deal.
Another bonus for this guy? He never has to worry about what to dress up as for Halloween. He doesn't have to plan his costume months in advance, like all of the rest of us morons. He can rifle through his pantry, grab a bag of Cheetos and show up to the costume party, just like that. If he really wants to commit, he could get some face paint and do the whole cheetah spot thing, but why mess with perfection, you know?
2 Why are these oddly accurate insults so odd and accurate?!
Yeah, you're right. This girl does look like she says "Mmmhmmm," a million times a day, but let us tell you something. This world is chock full of stupid. There are some real embarrassing idiots walking around out there, and they're always running their mouths, saying whatever ignorant thought meanders through their brain without a second thought. That means that we need people like this lady. We need someone who will be there whenever someone says something dumb, to spray them with a dose of sarcasm, like a spray bottle full of anti-bacterial all-purpose cleanser on a big pile of germs.
As long as you people are going to insist on saying stuff that's either stupid, thoughtless or completely untrue, then you have to know that this lady is going to continue to look the way that she looks. Personally, we find that comforting. We can sleep better at night knowing someone is out there making numbskulls feel bad for being numbskulls. We like believing that there are still people out there who will thwart the fools that wander this earth because somebody has to be there to deliver swift, unyielding sarcastic justice to those imbeciles, and we're too lazy to do it, so kudos to her.
1 *Switches all social media accounts to private*
We cancelled our social media accounts. Not because we're "that person" who thinks they're too good to be among the other social media riffraff. We actually don't think we're good enough to be among the riffraff, come to think of it, but that's not why we got off the social media hamster wheel. We just decided to close our accounts because our obsession with these sites was interfering with our TV-watching time. Seriously, we had so many shows and movies our watch list, it wasn't even funny. That's when we made the very mature and adult decision to cancel our social media accounts so we could focus on catching up on our shows.
And after seeing this roast, maybe canceling social media accounts isn't such a bad idea.
Sure, we regret not being able to keep up with the people that we used to go to school with, but don't really care about, but ultimately this was the right decision. Especially when you consider that there are people out there like this guy, leaving googly eyed emojis on personal pictures about five months too late. We mean, we know we're all being social media stalked, but let's not be so obvious about it, okay, champ? Reign in the weirdness.