As the mother of a 12-year-old daughter and a 9-year-old son, take it from me – the mom life is hard. Motherhood is never how they make it out to be in movies or commercials. If people were 100% honest about what happened AFTER the 8-lbs bundle of joy comes hurtling out of a woman's down-lows, then literally no one would procreate. The pain of childbirth is nothing, ladies. The true pain comes when the kid sets up the slip n' slide in the backyard before mom gets a chance to pick up the heaping piles of steaming dog crap. Or waking up in the middle of the night to a kid standing creepily next to a parent's bed because they can't sleep, like a scene straight out of Paranormal Activity. Will they end me in my sleep? Maybe. Or I might just pass from exhaustion before my son has a chance to stab me with the overpriced light saber that I bought him for his birthday.
I think most moms understand what I'm trying to say. Sometimes it's a struggle to not lay in front of the bus when it comes to pick up our kids, but that's okay. We're all in this together. Being a mom means being loved, cherished, and blamed for everything all at the same time. But it's always worth it in the end. Maybe. Unless one's kid is a big disappointment and we don't have enough energy to try again.
Here are 25 hilarious tweets from moms who aren't afraid to get real about parenting.
25 Remember When The Beach Used To Be Fun?
When I came across this tweet I knew I had to add it to the list because it's so freaking true. When my daughter was a toddler, beach trips were the thing of nightmares. I always had such high hopes for them, too. We'd get a "beach wagon" to bring all of her beach toys (like boss parents), and I always made sure to bring enough snacks and water. She always had her wide brimmed hat on and a little baby umbrella to keep her cool. WE WERE SET. There was a beautiful beach, waves to play in, sand castles to build. What could possibly go wrong, right?
Anyone who's got crotch fruit of their own knows exactly what went wrong here. I don't even need to finish typing this, do I? It was always the sand that made life a living hell for us. She'd cry if sand got in her eyes (and then rub her eyes with more sand), she'd cry when sand got in between her toes, and she'd cry when sand inevitably got into her swimsuit. She'd basically cry the entire time we were there and it was misery. It took years before she got the hell over it, but by then I had another toddler who took sand personally and wrecked all of our vacations.
Why would sand bother a child who is cool with sleeping in the sheets they just peed on? It's a mystery. They'd walk through 8 miles of legos just to get to a juice box, but sand they cannot do.
24 It's The Little Things...
It's pretty common knowledge that kids never shut up, and if one is their caretaker, it can get pretty exhausting. I'm a pretty solid introvert, so I should have prayed that God would bless me with quiet, shy types, but I basically got stuck with little versions of Chris Rock and Joan Rivers. There's never been a quiet moment in my house, even when they could barely string a sentence together. Don't delude yourself into thinking that babies can't "talk," either. They'll enthusiastically speak gibberish to you all damn day.
When a 4-year-old starts endlessly talking to a new parent about whatever the hell, the best go-to responses are "wow," "mmhmm," and "no way!" Their brains are too small to realize that their parents haven't been listening for the past 20 minutes (either that or they simply don't care). Just like this tweet suggests, they will continue speaking to them, no matter what they're doing. They'll jibber jabber when they're pooping, when they're eating, and when they're being strapped into a carseat. And as this mom says, there is absolutely nothing more satisfying then slamming the car door on them so you don't have to listen to their endless stream of consciousness anymore (even if it's just for a few, blessed seconds).
23 The Perfect Parenting Tweet Doesn't Exi-
You know what I love the most about writing salty articles on the Internet? It's the fact that I can actually write a ton of complete sentences without anyone interrupting me. Right now both of my kids are in school and I'm sitting in a coffee shop and there's not a kid in sight. It's glorious. I feel like standing up with my laptop and spinning around in circles and screaming FREE AT LAST!!!! I won't do it, don't worry. That kind of behavior would get me thrown out by the hipster dude who owns this place, and I want to continue frequenting this fine establishment.
Kids don't need the power of speech to interrupt you. Babies interrupt you from the minute they're born! Nothing will make a baby start crying during nap time like knowing their parent has finally found the time to catch up on Netflix. Kids interrupt your sleep, your sentences, your showers, and even your morning dumps. The ONLY thing in the world that's been proven to stop a child from interrupting you is puberty. Then you won't get anything but shrugs and grunts (puberty's silver lining). Sure, you have to deal with mood swings and the fact that they hate you, but it just might be worth it for the ability to finish a phone call without interruption.
I'll never forget the first time my child puked on me. I was pregnant with my second child and already feeling nauseous thanks to a bad case of morning sickness. My 20-month-old daughter had just had a bowl of Annie's macaroni and cheese (with the white sauce) and was lying next to me on the couch. That's when it happened. A white river of nasty started coming out of her mouth and all over both of us. It even went in between the couch cushions. It took ALL my strength of will to not throw up myself, because I was feeling pretty sick myself. You want to know what makes this story worse? The other day I asked my daughter what her first memory was, and this was it. I spent so much time and money trying to give her beautiful memories, but her first one is barfing white macaroni all over mom. Awesome.
I also remember desperately wanting to get slimed on Nickelodeon's Double Dare, but this grown-up version wasn't what I had in mind. Since my daughter's first memory I've had a TON of experiences cleaning up vomit, which is the worst, because no one hates throwing up more than me.
21 Popsicle Season
I think my kids have finally moved past this stage, but I remember it well. My son was the worst about this. At the beginning of the summer I'd always buy one of those huge bags of cheap popsicles at Walmart and keep them in my freezer. "This will last for weeks," I'd say to myself. HA! How naive I was.
I love my son more than life itself, but he knows exactly how to break me. Unlike my daughter, he simply never gives up. He'd start asking for popsicles from the minute he woke up until it was time to go to bed. I know all you people without kids are probably thinking, "you've got to stick to your guns," but you can take your perfect parenting advice and shove it up your perfectly toned arse. When you've been asked for a popsicle for the hundredth time before 10 am, then you can talk to me about staying strong in the face of total exhaustion.
Have you ever noticed that the only perfect parents are the people who aren't parents at all? I remember being like that once, full of idealism and self-righteous wisdom. I'd see a kid screaming in Walmart and think, "they should really discipline their kid," but a few years later I was trying to shut my kid up by shoving goldfish in her mouth in the middle of Kroger. Karma, man.
20 Two Is Better Than One
I can kind of relate to this since I have two kids. My daughter was 2.5 by the time her brother was born and she was already getting pretty antsy. If your kid starts asking you to spend hours watching Nick Jr. with them, then it's time for that second child.
This strategy worked for the first eight years of my son's life, but it eventually backfired. Now my kids fight constantly and there's no end in sight. Once my daughter got old enough to get annoyed with her brother, the good times were over. Sometimes I'll see parents post pictures of their kids hugging with captions like "best friends forever," and I snort-laugh like the jaded soul that I am. It won't last, parents! Those tears of laughter will eventually turn into tears of pain when your oldest kid pins your youngest kid to the floor for stealing their slime. This is the world that I live in. My kids have been known to fight over what color the sky is. The other day my son asked my daughter if she'd started her period in the middle of Target, and I thought I was about to witness a good curb-stomping right in front of the dollar section. Clearly my son likes to flirt with death.
19 No Time For Shenanigans
By the time the words "shenanigans" and "tomfoolery" come out of your mouth, you better start buying wrinkle cream and plucking your grays because your ass is getting old. This happened to me a long time ago.
I think it's important for people to know that at some point in our parenting journey, we eventually become our parents. My mom used to give me hell about what I wore back in middle school and I couldn't for the life of me understand why she cared so much about my appearance. I remember telling myself that I would NEVER give my daughter grief over her school clothes, so help me God! I would be a COOL mom and encourage self-expression in every form! I'm eating my words now, though. When my daughter wants to go to school in sweatpants with a hole in them, I find myself drawing a line in the sand that I swore I'd never draw.
"You're not wearing that to school," I hear myself say. "They have a hole in them. I can't have the teachers thinking I can't afford to buy you new clothes."
Is it wrong that I don't want my daughter to go to school looking like a HOBO? I have no idea, but I swore I wouldn't do this to my own child and I'm failing miserably. Before I know it I'm going to be dabbing Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds on the inside of my elbows and the transformation into my mother will be complete.
18 No End In Sight
I've lived with a 7-year-old before, and this tweet is no lie. By the time kids master the power of speech, they never shut up. The worst cases of blabbermouth definitely happen between the ages of 5-9.
If my son got paid to talk, then he'd be a kid millionaire by now. He gives monologues like he's a late-night talk show host or something. I know it's important to show an interest in your child's day, but you have to know what you're getting yourself into. Every time we visit the grandparents they'll inevitably ask him, "how's school going?" I think they honestly expect him to answer that question in less than 50,000 words. The minute he starts talking I excuse myself and just let my parents ride it out.
It wouldn't be that bad if kids had something interesting to say, but they're kids. They spend their days creating marker swords and pushing straws straight through Capri Suns, so it's not like you're going to get a super interesting story out of them. The best you can hope for is an abbreviated version of the last 20 minutes of their day, but like this tweet says, that's going to cost you at least 72-495 hours of your life.
To those of you naive souls who think that tantrums stop after the toddler years, then you're in for a big surprise. The biggest tantrum of my daughter's life happened when she was 5-years-old during a swim lesson. She had been terrified of the water and we thought it might help her if she learned to swim with a group of other kids instead of by herself. Big mistake. The minute we left the pool (the swim coach requested us to leave), she screamed like she was dying. I'm not talking about a restrained, this-will-only-last-for-a-second scream, either. She sounded like a siren and it didn't let up. Eventually the swim teacher had to call us on our cell phones and tell us to come and get her. I remember thinking that something was wrong with her, because surely a 5-year-old was too big to be having full-on tantrums. As it turns out, nothing was wrong with her. She just needed a straight jacket and we didn't have one on us. This lady is seriously onto something with this "tantrum hug" idea. She needs to flesh out the details and pitch this on Shark Tank, because I know a lot of moms who would buy one.
16 The Story Of My Life
Today is my daughter's last day of school and I'm in for an entire summer of her telling me she's bored. I know it's coming just like Jon Snow knows winter is coming. I'm already prepping myself with solutions, like "oh, you're bored? Clean the windows!" or "bored, huh? Vacuum the stairs." Seriously, I hate vacuuming the stairs. It's the Devil's work.
Has there ever been a child who didn't say this on the second day of summer break? Because I'd like to meet them and shake their hand. With all the technology these days, I'm amazed that any kid gets bored. Back when I was a kid I had to entertain myself! If the neighbor kids down the street were out of town then it was that much harder. I'd just end up playing in the woods with my brother and getting poison ivy. Those were the days.
It doesn't matter how many fun activities a mom has planned in advance- their kid is bound to say "I'm bored" at least once over the weekend. Maybe they're just overly stimulated with iPhones, iPads, TV, etc. I don't remember saying "I'm bored" to my mom very much because it would always end with a broom in my hand.
15 Yes, Exactly
My daughter has finally gotten old enough to watch her little brother for an hour or so (during the day), but I still get excited about a real date night. I'm talking about the kind where my husband and I can go downtown and eat somewhere other than Applebee's. When the kids were really little, I needed date night like I needed oxygen to breathe. I was a stay-at-home mom for years, mainly because it was cheaper for me to not work than to afford daycare. Those were some rough years. By the time my husband got home I was dying for some adult interaction. Having two kids under five was hard as hell, because I never have any time for myself. I couldn't even go to the bathroom without seeing little fingers slipping under the door.
By the time a babysitter arrived I was practically running out the door. I remember even telling one sitter "don't call me unless there's blood." I meant it, too. I was never one of those helicopter parents who always checked-in to make sure their kids were okay. Is that bad? If I didn't have some "me time," completely free of kid talk, I would have lost my mind.
14 Yanny Or Laurel?
Unless you live under a rock, then you know what the whole Yanny vs. Laurel debate is. If not, then Google it, because I don't have the energy to brief you on the details. Parents, never let your kids get a hold of the Yanny/Laurel video unless you want to end the night by stabbing yourself in the brain with a fork. I don't know what it is with kids and repetition, but they cannot listen to something once and be done with it. Do you know how many episodes of Jessie I've watched on repeat? Jessie is a show on the Disney channel, by the way. After the 10th time, I finally said, "guys, you've seen this episode like a million times." They didn't care, though. They just kept watching it until I had every line of that episode memorized.
It would be magic if kids would listen to their parents the way they listen to stupid online videos or Disney shows. Unfortunately, kids only listen to what they want to hear. God bless all the teachers in this world, because I couldn't handle having an entire class ignore me. All teachers deserve an award for their efforts. God knows how many times they've heard the Yanny/Laurel video in class.
13 Discipline Them, Daddy
Single women always think it's sexy when they see a hot guy holding a baby, but real dads don't look like that. Real life is when you see a guy with a solid "dad bod" holding a baby with a dead look in his eyes. Usually there's a wet spot on his shirt from being spit up on, too. Nothing sexy about that.
What's really sexy is when your baby daddy takes control of a situation that's gotten out of hand. By the end of the day, most moms are worn down and have reached a point where they're "picking their battles" in an attempt to stay alive. That's when dad walks in, fresh from work and ready to parent like a BAMF. Nothing will scare a kid like a dad voice.
Whenever my brother and I would act up my mom would always say, "just wait until your father gets home." If your mother never said that to you, is she even your mom? My dad is normally a really quiet guy, but when he raised his voice, we fell in line. My mom would scream at anything, so after a while we learned to tune her out. Dads are like a mom's secret weapon.
12 Seems Legit
This tweet speaks the honest-to-God truth. My kids might be older now, but when I look in the mirror I'm faced with the irreparable damage of parenting. My best friend is single and child-free, and I honestly look like her mother. We're two years apart. Every time I see her I feel like I should strap her in a Baby Bjorn and put her on my chest.
Moms always look fresh and beautiful in commercials, don't they? Parenting magazines are even worse. The women in those ads always have perfect makeup and stain-free clothes, but it's nothing but a bunch of LIES. Real moms don't wear anything other than pajama or yoga pants (and they sure as hell don't have time for yoga). For the first five years of parenting it's a miracle if you even have time to blow-dry your hair. Even squeezing a shower in feels like an accomplishment. I'm thinking about what Oscar the Grouch looks like, and this tweet checks out. I might not have lived in a trash can, but it looked like I did, especially during the "baby years." I was definitely cranky AF 90% of the time, so I see no lies here. This is real life, let's not pretend that it's not.
11 The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem
Yaaaaaaaassss. I thought I was the only one who did this! This is why these kinds of tweets are necessary.
Kids are like dogs- they can hear a wrapper from a mile away. I have opened ope a package of cookies in the kitchen and my kids have heard it from the third floor. My son's biggest weakness is candy, and he can consume an entire package of Skittles in less than a minute. Seriously, that's got to be a record.
If I'm lucky, a week's worth of snacks will last maybe a day at my house. If I buy junk food, then I have no choice but to hide it. The last time I bought Girl Scout cookies I kept them in the drawer next to my bed. NEXT TO MY BED, Y'ALL. It sounds like something a food hoarder would do in an episode of My 600-lb Life, but what other choice did I have? My husband has gotten into the habit of hiding snacks in the cabinet over the refrigerator (and even I'm too short to reach that). The kids haven't gotten wise yet, but I don't know how many years we've got left before they figure it out.
10 Mistakes Were Made
I think the most important lesson you can learn as a mom is that you're going to make some mistakes along the way. Despite there being countless books on "child-rearing," no one walks out of the hospital with a manual on parenting. Being a mom means living on the struggle bus for years. I can't even imagine how much harder it is for single moms.
The point is, the stress of being a mom will eventually get to you, and you're not always going to say the right thing when you're tired and exasperated AF. I can think of a million things I regret saying to family and friends since becoming a parent. I'm pretty sure that during my daughter's first year of life I called my best friend maybe three times, tops. I simply didn't have the energy to carry on a conversation. Do you know how many people I've ghosted since becoming a parent? A TON. I've promised I'd be somewhere and forgotten all about it. I've written down birthdays on my calendar and completely forgotten I had a calendar. I've spent entire coffee dates ranting about parenthood to my single friends who had no idea what I was talking about and just wanted a normal, low-key get-together. To all of the people that I've wronged, I'm sorry. It's been a rough 12 years.
9 I Wish This Wasn't True
I always told myself that I wouldn't be passive-aggressive like my mother, but God has a way of making me eat my words. I can't tell you how many times I've done this exact same thing. I even do it to my husband! Instead of just insisting that my family help me with the dishes (like I SHOULD be doing), I'll heave a dramatic sigh and start cleaning them up myself. I'll be really loud about it, too, just to make sure I get my point across. I'll literally throw the dirty dishes in the sink until it sounds like they're breaking because I want them to KNOW that I'm mad (like they didn't already know).
It's completely childish of me, and I know that. I can't help myself. Maybe I'll blame my bad behavior on my mother just like my daughter will someday blame me. The circle of life!
One reason I end up doing it myself is because my husband and kids will take too long. That's my OCD talking. I can't relax on the couch until all the dirty dishes and all the food has been put away CORRECTLY. When my kids load the dishwasher, nothing gets clean. I know I should make them load it correctly, but by the end of a long day, I don't really feel like coaching them after I've already made dinner. Sorry, I'm done.
8 Get It Done
It's REALLY hard to find the time to watch half an episode of anything when you're a parent (unless it's on Nickelodeon or Disney). There are just too many distractions. Most of the time the good shows aren't appropriate for kids anyway, so you end up just trying to make time for them at the end of the night but wind up falling asleep on the couch. Things have gotten a little better for me now that my kids are older, but I remember daydreaming about watching an entire episode of Forensic Files when my son was a baby. I anxiously awaited the day when I could just sit on my couch and watch a show along with my child, and that day has come. My kids and I binge watched both seasons of Stranger Things together and it was magical. For years binge-watching wasn't even an option for me. My single friends would say "hey, have you watched Breaking Bad yet?" Nope. "Did you catch the new episode of Game of Thrones?" Hell no, you can't watch that around kids! I had, however, watched every single episode of Caillou and Little Bear, God help me. Those were dark days and I'm still working on blocking the memories.
7 Caillou: The Final Plague
In case you aren't familiar with the story of Passover, let me clue you in. When the Pharaoh refused to let the Jewish people go, God sent 10 plagues to the land of Egypt. The final plague was the death of the first born. God told Moses that the Israelites should mark their doorposts with lamb's blood so that God could 'pass over' their houses and spare them from this plague. WHY DID NO ONE TELL ME THIS WOULD WORK WITH CAILLOU? Every time I saw an episode I died a little inside. It's the worst thing to come out of Canada since Justin Bieber.
Caillou is the most hated children's program in the world, and most people don't even know how to spell it. There have been hundreds of articles written about why the little bald-headed brat (Caillou) drives parents crazy. The theme song sucks, the kid is extraordinarily whiny, the storylines are boring as hell, and why the hell is he bald? Why did they make his head so perfectly round?
The Caillou hate is real, guys, and there are a ton of pretty hilarious memes and tweets to prove it. If God had used Caillou as the first plague, there would have been no need for him to send nine more. The Pharaoh would have given in immediately.
6 Mama Said There'd Be Days Like That
Oh my God, this is me. Yesterday I had an article to write and I ended up working until 7 p.m. to finish it. When I walked out of my office one of my kids was standing there, looking confused. "Mom, what's for dinner?"
I didn't have any meat thawed out and I had zero energy left, so the two of them got a delicious meal of microwavable mac and cheese and strawberries. Not only that, but I got a text from my husband (who was out of town) asking me how our son's guitar lesson had gone. Yep, I'd forgotten all about it. By the end of the night the mom guilt was strong.
TV moms always have a delicious and healthy meal ready for their family, but that's not an easy feat when you work two jobs and your husband is out of town. My mom stayed at home and we always got home cooked meals and ate as a family, but that's not always possible. Ain't no shame in ordering a bucket of KFC after a hard day, y'all. Our kids aren't going to care NEARLY as much as we do. Leave the mom guilt behind, because mommy has a lot of rough days.
5 If Only It Worked Like That
My daughter just got an Amazon Echo for her birthday last March, and that thing is pretty sweet. Every morning I use "Alexa" to wake up my daughter for school in new and creative ways. Sometimes I'll tell Alexa to play "Eye of the Tiger" super loud right before my daughter's alarm goes off. Sure, it's kind of evil, but I'm the one who paid for that thing. Might as well have some fun with it.
If only Alexa could feed the kids, though. Or clean my house. Or do laundry. That would be amazing, because there's not enough hours in the day to get everything done. My house looks like crap right now, but I don't have the time to do anything about it. Maybe one day Alexa will stop sponging off of me and make herself a little more useful. I get tired of my kids complaining to me about what's for dinner- let them complain to Alexa for once. I'm done with mom guilt. Alexa would be the perfect Pinterest mom, you can tell by her name. She'd be the "cool mom" who had pillow fights with her kids after making them homemade rice Krispy treats.
On second thought, let's keep her the way she is. Don't want to set the bar too high.
4 Who Wears The Pants?
I've never watched an episode of Scandal, but based on the name, I'm pretty sure it's not something she needs to be watching on a 72-inch television with a three year old around. This mom made the right call.
I find myself doing this kind of thing all the time, but I'm trying to stop myself and take the power back. We have five televisions in our home and my kids always want to use the biggest one to watch their lame AF shows. After years of parenting and putting myself second, I sacrifice the nicest TV without even realizing what I'm doing! The other day I was sitting in the office watching Netflix on a 42 inch TV screen while my son was watching Pokemon on the 60-incher! What the hell was I thinking? I reminded myself of who wears the pants in this house and reclaimed what was rightfully mine. He looked genuinely shocked. What have I wrought?!
Moms have a hard time putting themselves first, so it's easy to spoil the little nose pickers without even realizing what's happening. My daughter's been stealing my t-shirts recently, but THAT ENDS TODAY. If you pushed that baby out of your lady parts, then you deserve the biggest TV in the house. Hands down.
3 WE MADE IT
Like I mentioned before, I have no idea how teachers do it. I bow down to their endless supply of patience and organization. I can barely handle my own nine and twelve year old, much less an entire class of them. Teachers are underpaid and overworked, so by the time the school year is over, they're just happy they made it out alive. Mothers feel the exact same way.
School can be harder on a mother than it is on their child. Every night you have to make sure they do their homework, hear them whine about it, and help them struggle through it. You stress over their grades, social life, and behavior in class. You drop over $100 on school supplies and try not to micromanage their overly complicated school projects. By the end of the year you definitely need a drink, and so do the teachers. I'd love to have shots with my kids' teachers and marvel over the fact that we both made it through the year with our sanity intact. Sadly, that would be considered wildly inappropriate. Instead I will toast them over a glass of wine tonight. Kudos for making it through the year, teachers. You have all my respect and admiration.
2 The Trials And Tribulations Of Youth Sports
Is there anything more inconvenient than recreational sports? I seriously hate them. Thank God my kids aren't athletic, because I don't think I could take 18 years of sitting on bleachers and slowly going numb from the waist down.
My son loves sports and we have literally tried them all. It started with t-ball, then soccer, then track and field, then basketball, then tackle football. What's left? Lacrosse? I always end up spending an extortionate amount of money on cleats, knee pads and mouth guards that I know he'll never use again. I said my son loved sports, I never said he was good at them. Just kidding. My kids get just as bored with sports as I do.
I have friends whose children are really talented athletes, but their entire lives are based around games. They never have a weekend free and they never have a car that doesn't smell like a sweaty sock. I don't want to have to deal with getting grass stains out of uniforms or keeping crotch cups off of the kitchen table. My kids are into drama and music and I wouldn't have it any other way. More power to the sports moms, though. Live long and prosper.
1 Kids Are Rock Hounds
TRUER WORDS HAVE NOT BEEN SPOKEN.
This is 100% true, but it's not something you know about until you have kids. In my experience it happens more with little boys than it does with little girls. With my daughter we always had "flowers" (weeds) showing up in the house, but my son brought in pretty much every rock he could find. They weren't pretty rocks, but he was convinced that they all of them contained gold or crystals. Once he even brought a broken piece of concrete into the house thinking it was a geode. Bless.
He used to shove so many rocks into his pockets that his pants would sag (true story). He'd often forget about them and I'd find rocks in my washing machine. Eventually I got him a a big trunk to hold his rock collection, but he's already filled it up. He still loves rocks and I wouldn't be surprised if he ended up as a geologist one day. When we went on vacation to the Philippines he had me carrying around an entire purse full of volcanic rocks and I was questioned by security in the airport. When they asked me where I'd gotten them I just pointed at my son. I'm not going to jail for his actions!