"It's okay, I'm a professional."
How many times have you heard that said before? People are always saying stuff like that. Somehow the word "professional" inspires trust in people, so we like to tack it on to our job descriptions whenever possible in an effort to gain respectability. A "photographer" doesn't sound as good as "professional photographer." A writer doesn't sound as impressive as "a professional writer." We expect that a "professional" is less likely to screw up their jobs, but this list will have you questioning your assumptions in no time.
The reality of it is, some people are just professional idiots with fancy job titles and that's all there is to it. Here are 15 questionable "professionals" who will have you relying on YELP reviews in no time.
15 "Professional" Editing
Either this family hired this photographer without reading a single review, or they just randomly hired someone off of Craigslist. Both are bad ideas. The first red flag should have been the "$2-250" price range. What kind of professional photographer gives that kind of pricing? What does a $2 family photo shoot even look like? I'm guessing like this.
Look, I've never had a professor teach me how to retouch photos either, but I'm pretty sure I could do a better job with MS Paint. I can't believe someone would create these kind of human monstrosities and be satisfied enough to call it a "final product." It's mind-boggling. I hope to God these guys didn't pay $2 for this, because it's worth AT LEAST $100 in laughs. Pay up.
14 Safety First
I've seen a lot of people multitask while driving in my day. Once I saw a lady downing a big mac and talking on the phone on the Interstate, so it takes a lot to surprise me (sadly). But this...I've got to admit, this kind of surprised me.
You've got to have some guts to use not just one, but TWO phones while driving a vehicle owned by the Texas Department Of Public Safety. Usually people claim they can talk on the phone and still drive safely, but I guess this lady has an extra set of eyes on her forehead that I don't know about because she's sure as hell not looking at the road. I just can't believe this isn't Florida, but I guess Texas is close enough. I just hope this government employee stays alive long enough to understand the irony here (or to get fired).
13 Field Work Fail
In case you're unfamiliar with the concept of "field work," it's defined as "practical work conducted by a researcher in the natural environment, rather than in a laboratory or office."
So yes, this is a "professional" scientist/researcher trying to gather information on crocodiles in the middle of the night and failing miserably.
You'd think that crocodile experts would know that crocodiles have excellent night vision and are mostly nocturnal hunters, but you know...details.
I'm no genius, but I'm pretty sure crocodiles end people and live in lakes and rivers like the one pictured above. I'm 100% sure I'd get a sturdy AF boat that wouldn't tip over once (much less twice) to protect me from their razor sharp teeth. I mean, I'm no expert, but common sense is a thing.
12 That'll Do It
I'm not sure if this is a rhetorical question, but yeah...you should be worried.
I've flown a lot in my lifetime, so I've had the opportunity to watch a lot of people prep planes for take-off, but I can honestly say I've never seen a man bust out a roll of duck tape on a Boeing 737.
Sure, the Boeing 737 isn't the biggest plane there is, but it's still a commercial airliner that SHOULD require a little bit more than duct tape to hold the wing on. I guess that could be Gorilla Tape, but...still a no. Seriously, what could this dude possibly be fixing with duct tape? I mean I know duct tape is the bee's knees and all, but I'm pretty sure it can't sustain 600 mph at 35,000 ft.
11 Special Delivery
If you visit the UPS website, one of the first things you'll read is "Put the power of expert shipping to work." Riiiiight.
I know UPS workers are busy AF, especially during the holiday season, but they essentially have one end goal: to get the packages to the correct destination.
When you're responsible for a truck with a crap load of packages, meeting this goal requires securing your items by closing the back door of your truck. OOPSIES!
This is just painful to watch, because for all I know, those falling packages could be mine. I've lost a few packages in transit before, so maybe this is how it happened. I wonder how far this UPS worker got before they realized what happened? How many boxes ended up on the highway? YOU HAD ONE JOB, UPS worker! Fedex it is.
10 Good Idea, Ed!
I don't know what this man's job title is, but no random guy on the street is going to be in charge of heavy machinery. In other words this guy SHOULD know what he's doing, but I guess even idiots have jobs.
This reminds me of that time I tried to use a manual pump on my bike tire when I was like ten years old. I worked my little butt off trying to inflate that thing. Seriously, I had sweat pouring down my neck before my dad walked outside and saw what I was up to. After he taught me a thing or two about PSI and bike valves, I realized I'd wasted a good 30 minutes of my life using a pump that wasn't even meant for a bike tire. At ten years old, I thought a pump was a pump. Now I don't presume to know this man's age, but...he's older than ten.
9 "How To Read A Caliper"
A caliper is a device used to measure the distance between two opposite sides of an object, so I'm not sure where this teacher went wrong. You would think that science teachers would have a basic understanding of how not to catch things on fire, but I guess sometimes....fires happen?
Even so, if your desk catches fire in a classroom full of students, you should probably take action.
I'm not saying this teacher never took action, but if his student had enough time to take a picture of it and post it to the Internet, he probably could have taken action a little faster.
This teacher doesn't even look concerned, and that's a little disturbing. I know high school students are turds from Hell, but that's not enough reason to consider burning the whole school to the ground.
8 First Day On The Job?
As I'm sure most of you remember, back in January the entire state of Hawaii crapped their pants while hiding under bridges after a false alert about an incoming missile showed up on their phones. It's not exactly the kind of news you want to get when you're enjoying your strawberry daiquiri.
After everyone figured out it was a "false alarm," the entire world was left wondering what idiot was behind the widespread panic. As it turns out, Hawaii's "emergency management leader" resigned and the "OOPSIES" employee who sent the alert has been fired. Apparently the worker who sent the false alert had confused real-life events and drills in the past.
Okay, how many free passes did this guy get before this happened? I'm pretty sure that I'd double check or TRIPLE check this kind of news before pressing "send," because it only preps the entire state of Hawaii for certain death. No biggie.
7 My Bad
Given that MRI stands for "magnetic resonance imaging," you'd think these medical "professionals" would know not to have anything metal in the room, but people are dumb.
Do you know how expensive an MRI machine is? It's between $1-3 million dollars, so you probably don't want it damaged by what appears to be some kind of medal ladder. I'm thinking someone probably got in trouble for this. It's not exactly like breaking the office printer or the company Keurig.
This is an "oops, just lost my job," kind of mistake.
FUN FACT for MRI Technologists: The main magnet in an MRI can create a magnetic field that is one to four thousand times stronger than the earth’s magnetic field. I guess someone never got the memo, and that's a damn shame.
6 Slight Miscalculation
Look, I don't know a lot about operating what appears to be a large riverboat cruise, but I don't think captains should have a "let's see if we can make it" attitude about going under a bridge. I looked this up and apparently this boat was stuck under this bridge for over three hours before tug boats were finally able to pull it free. Over 90 people were stuck on board during the ordeal and the entire bridge was eventually shut down to traffic. The collision damaged one of the bridge's structural beams, not to mention the cruise ship itself. I never did find out what the captain's excuse was, but can there even be a good one? Maybe the captain just put a waiter at the helm when he went to take a dump. That would do it.
Oh look, it's just another idiot operating heavy machinery.
I'm pretty sure that this is a commercial wood chipper, which means the man operating it is supposed to be qualified to operate it. Supposed to be. This is not the kind of mistake you can come back from, random "professional" landscaper man.
This is like the professional equivalent of sticking your hand in a garbage disposal and hoping for the best.
OSHA has safety regulations for the landscaping/horticultural industry for a reason. They even have free online manual (I looked it up). One of the things you should NEVER do is attempt to push down the wood with any part of your body. People shouldn't need a manual to tell them that, but clearly, they do. I guess this guy never read it.
4 Idiots Can Improvise
Professional welders specialize in fusing materials together with an open electric flame, so most welders know to take special measures in order to protect themselves. It's not just burns they need to worry about, either. The brightness of the flame can lead to "arc eye," a condition in which UV light causes inflammation of the cornea and burning of the retina (leading to blindness). Because of these risks, full-face welding helmets are recommended, with the more recent models featuring a faceplate that self-darkens upon exposure to high amounts of UV light. Pretty cool, right? They were made specifically for welders to use, but I guess this guy figured a pair of glasses and a piece of paper would protect him from all that. He's a risk taker and he'll be blind by 5 pm.
3 What's That Word Again?
Running and operating an aquarium store requires a certain amount of expertise and it's actually a lot harder than you'd ever believe. Successfully regulating aquariums is an absolute science, because tanks require perfect PH levels and temperatures at all times. The people who operate these types of stores are considered experts (or "professionals") in their field because they need to know a lot about algae, marine life, filters, water pumps and even conservation efforts.
In other words, they should probably know what the word "aquarium" means.
I would not recommend buying your fish or your tank supplies at a place called a "liquid zoo," guys. If you are in the habit of calling an aquarium a "liquid zoo," then you have no business owning a fish, much less owning an entire store of them! Remember, y'all, anyone can call themselves a "professional."
2 Time To Go Back To Law School
I don't know a lot about law because I never went to law school, but I'm pretty sure this guy should go back.
I wasn't sure how this could even happen, so I took the time to look this story up on Google (thanks, Google). Apparently an attorney named Emert Wyss accidentally advised a client to sue a title company for unnecessary refinancing fees (a company that Wyss himself owned). WHOOPS! It's actually a lot more complicated than that, but this writer's tiny little brain couldn't handle all the big words so I just got down to the bottom line. The point is, he sued himself and had four law firms after his money (and he hired all four). It was a messy situation, but it was a situation that should have been easily avoided. Not every attorney is created equal.
1 Just To Clarify
Someone at CNN actually wrote these words, which is pretty funny, but then some editor presumably checked over it and gave it the OK before it got published. Some people just suck at their jobs, man.
Adding unnecessary information to an article happens all the time, but "unnecessary" is different than "ridiculously unnecessary."
It's no surprise that this mistake became a meme and made the rounds around the Internet. CNN is supposed to be the "most trusted name in news," so I'm guessing this was pretty embarrassing for them. Saying that, you can absolutely trust their writers to clarify things for their readers. It's better to just assume your readers are total morons, I guess. Maybe this writer knew exactly what they were doing, after all.
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