Life lives to give us all a...wait, hang on a second. Can life live? That doesn't make a whole lot of sense, so allow us to rephrase that. Live exists (there, that's better) to give us all a hard time. As long as life can hang its hat up on the rack at the end of the day knowing that it made us cry in front of our boss or park in the incorrect spot and get a ticket, then it can rest easy. But sometimes, the reason life gives us a tough time isn't because it wants to. Sometimes it's just because we do dumb things that result in not so peachy keen consequences.
Look, here's the dealio. Life is tough on everyone, even the people who seem like they've got it all and then some. But we've been cruising around this world wide web for some time now and we can say with certainty that life is a heck of a whole lot harder when the gray matter in your noggin are few and far between—which reminds us. Please pray for these 25 people. Poor unfortunate souls, going by the pictures, it would appear that they haven't got two brain cells between them.
25 Shoulda stayed in school
When they say, "Stay in school" they say it for a reason. And to be perfectly fair, we still have no idea who this "they" person or persons is or are. But whatever. It doesn't matter because "they" are right this time around. This kid should have just headed to class and grinned and bore the whole thing. Should've toughened up and gotten on with it. Look, nobody likes school. Nobody wants to sit in a room with a bunch of other people listening to one person talk about things they're not interested in. That sounds like the world's lamest convention, or like some kind of dull, poorly choreographed cult.
But the thing about school is it teaches people things. Things that they need to know in order to go from being a complete imbecile to be a complete imbecile with some semblance of common sense. Had this fella gone to his classes, he probably would have known better than to livestream his various escapades during his time playing hooky. But, alas, he has not two brain cells to consult on such matters as these, and as a result, we can only assume that his life is comprised of strange schemes and non-successes like this.
24 Quit hogging the sinks already, selfie taker
Bathroom selfies are...hmm. We actually don't feel any sort of way about bathroom selfies to tell the truth, and furthermore, we've certainly never pondered this of our own volition. It's not like we just sit at home at night, in our recliner, eating a microwaveable TV dinner in front of Wheel of Fortune, asking ourselves, "Huh, I wonder what I think about bathroom selfies?" It doesn't go down like that. But, anyway, now that we are thinking about it, we find we don't think anything about it.
Well, no, that's not completely true. We think bathroom selfies are fine, however, we think they should only be taken in private, but that's more personal preference. If we were trying to take a selfie in a public bathroom and someone walked in on us, we'd be more mortified than if they'd walked in while we were still on the can. This girl, on the other hand? She doesn't care about that. Maybe she should, though, because she's getting some stranger looks from people, and while she low-key thinks it's 'cause she's got it goin' on, it's probably because she's taking selfies these people did not agree to be in AND hogging the sinks and mirror while she's at it.
23 It never pays to be in a hurry
Ugh! People who drive too fast and pass in dangerous situations are probably the thing that gets on our nerves the most. Well, besides people who eat with their mouths open. And people who don't cover their mouths when they sneeze. And people who talk too loudly on their cellphones on public transit, like they actually want us to hear what they're saying so that we'll be impressed by their knowledge about whatever it is that they're talking about.
And people in general. But, we digress.
There's always that one driver on the roadway who thinks their time is more important than anyone else's. They think they have to get to their destination, but because they also think they're better than anyone else, they think they deserve to be the ones at the head of the line. This train of thought can be super dangerous tough, as anyone who has more than two brain cells knows. These "get out of my way" people will pass at bad times, causing people to slam on their brakes. They'll put other people's lives in danger, to say nothing of their own. They're a real menace, which is why we're happy to see this fool get served.
22 Avoca-don't try to sell us this lie
Sorry, but, what is this supposed to be? Do we look like we were born yesterday? And, sure, we know technically you can't see us because this is an old post, and also we're communicating via blog post, not FaceTime, but come on. This is ridiculous! We mean, clearly this is a fib, but even if you did find an avocado with no pit, why would you post about it on social media? We can guarantee you right now nobody gives a crap whether the avocado you bought at that fruit stand on the way home had no pits, two pits, red pits or blue pits.
This is not newsworthy stuff, so why post it? Even now, even when we, ourselves, are ranting about this thing, we still don't care that it has no pit. We just care that someone thought they could pull the wool over our eyes. Well, guess again, buckaroos! We're not falling for your bucka-ruse. Not this time. Not ever. Get out of here with your produce fibs, and don't come back again until you Google "how to properly cut an avocado". We know that pit's in there somewhere. We can tell by the dark spot on the half of the avocado on the right.
21 Say that again, but slower this time
Do you ever read something so stupid that it actually sucks some of the smart out of you? We went into this post knowing so much—so much, we tell you! But now, we can't even remember the stuff that we once knew but now no longer know because, again, we just don't know. And the reason we don't know is because these people haven't got two brain cells between them. It's a travesty, it really us, but we don't see why we have to be caught up in the crossfire. It's not like we asked for this.
Although...it is our post, so we guess we kinda did.
We knew when we signed up for this, we were gonna expose ourselves to some real high octane bull crap, so we have only ourselves to blame for what we're going through. Still, it's rough. Just look at this person. They thought the bumps on the steering wheel were braille for blind drivers, as in drivers who can't see and would, therefore, not even be allowed to drive, anyway. Sorry to ruin your #themoreyouknow hashtag, buddy, but those bumps are for traction so you can get a good grip. Think it through next time, would ya please?!
20 Ah, the ignorance of youth—uh, we mean innocence
Oh, no. It's finally happening. We knew that we would feel old one day, but we were expecting to find some gray hairs and fine lines, first. This isn't fair! We only graduated from college a few years ago, and the kids of today are already running around not knowing what cassette players are? We don't want to be one of those "back in my day, I had to walk to school in snow up to my eyeballs, uphill both ways with no shoes and only a square in piece of cotton leftover from my mother's sewing basket to keep me warm" old people, but is it really too much to expect this new generation to know that cassette tapes were once a thing that existed?
Nowadays it's all CD's and Spotify, but back in the 90'—heck, even the early 2000's—and before, if we wanted to listen to music without carrying a humongous phonograph around and a huge basket full of records, we had to use these things called cassette tapes. You can Google it real quick if you need to, we'll wait here. Anyway, that's what that thing is. It's for those little tapes, not for your fancy modern cellphones. Darn kids today...
19 Shoot. And that's the only way back!
Well, gosh dang it! If the people working on this roadway knew that they were going to have to close off the sidewalk, then they should have put a sign up in advance. Now, because of their carelessness, this person is going to have to sit here and wait until Uber invents a helicopter option, then call someone up so that they can be airlifted into their home. Honestly, this is going to put so many people out, we're surprised the city is allowing them to get away with this.
Gosh, if only there were a huge open space around this gate where this person could just walk right on past it to get back home and...say, would you lookie there?!
Gates are effective, but only when they're placed in the middle of a fence. In fact, the same can be said of fences, too. When you think about it, both fences and gates are pretty darn useless unless they're being used together. You have to utilize one in order to utilize the other. And if you don't understand that, then we're not sure that you need to be building the foundations upon which we drive. Sorry, but that's just how we feel.
18 You sure you're not missing a letter, Mr. Newspaper Ad?
"Hello? Yes, is the Palm Partners Recovery Center for addition?"
"Hi, why, yes it is. My name is Jennifer, how can I help you today?"
"Listen, Jennifer...I'm in a really bad place right now. Now, I'm not proud of it. It's hard for me to admit this, it's just that..."
"Take your time. Whenever you're ready, I'm listening."
"Well, the thing is, I've got a problem with addition. It's been going on for a while now, too—ever since first grade, in fact, so I guess it's been around thirty years, now. Only, in the past few years, it's spiraled out of control!"
"I understand, ma'am, and I'd just like to let you know that you're not alone. We're here to help you, and I'm so glad you called us. Now, tell me, how many times a day are you adding? Are you there, ma'am? Hello?"
"I-I'm here, sorry. I just *gulps*. This is so embarrassing...okay, I've been adding an average of 752 times a day—"
"Oh, well, ma'am, that puts you at the less addicted end of the spectrum."
"Wait, you didn't let me finish! I've been adding about 752 times a day...for the past 15 years..."
"Oh, my. This is a lot worse than I thought..."
17 Ay-ay-ay, danos un descanso
To answer this guy's question, yes, men are "habla gated" to pay for everything in a relationship, but only when they chose to spell the word "obligated" like it's some kind of Spanish gated community. We're so incredulous at this, we've been staring at our computer screen looking all disgusted for the past few minutes, and our coworkers are just looking at us like they knew this was going to happen one day. They knew we were only a few stupid pictures away from having a mental freeze up like this and breaking down from the ignorance. And to them, we apologize.
Just as this person should apologize to us, not that it will make any difference though, because phonetic spelling is unforgivable.
This reminds us of when our dog was still a puppy and he would piddle on the floor, but he knew by then that he was only supposed to do that outside. Everybody always told us to rub his nose in it so he got the message. We never did since that sounded gross and we're not freaking monsters, but that seems like a good strategy here. We're glad this person rubbed that guy's nose in his mistake. It's the only way he'll learn.
16 Well, when you eat them like that, they are!
The fact that there's someone out there in the world who thought that when you boil an egg, you're supposed to eat the shell, rattles us to our core. Consider us right and truly shook by this. We're not professional chefs. We can't boil the right amount of pasta, we can't tell you the difference between sea salt and regular salt, heck, we can't even slice an onion so that all of the cut up pieces are roughly the same size. When it comes to cooking and baking, we're lacking in that department. What we are good at, though, is eating, and this? This ain't eating.
Real eggs aren't like Cadbury Creme Eggs, people. The shell of a Cadbury Creme Egg is made of delicious milk chocolate, you definitely want to throw that in your pie hole, but a real egg is covered in a real eggshell. Do you know what kind of heck that thing had to go through just to get out of the chicken? Even when they've been washed, they're still icky, so please, for the sake of everyone involved, don't consume them. This has been a PSA brought to you by Egg Eaters of the World. Thanks, and goodnight, everyone.
15 Looks like the new job's going well
Making a career change is hecka spooky, and it gets hecka spookier the older you get. Maybe changing your career choice isn't such a big deal when you're still in your twenties, but when you've been doing the same thing for thirty, forty, fifty or more years and you finally decide to take that leap of faith, it can be intimidating. That's why we admire Stan so much for giving up his job as a bank teller to sign up for the local SWAT team. Bold move there, Stan. We salute you, buddy.
Stan was courageous taking on a new career like that, but it's just too bad he decided not to wear a belt the first day out on the job.
Even more upsettingly, it's too bad that the other members of the SWAT team agreed to tie the straps of this cord thingy to his belt loops, instead of hooking him up to some kind of fancy harness like a legitimate SWAT team might. But, in the end, everything worked out. Hooray! Stan caught the person he and his team had been tracking down for the past four months, and not one of them did anything to embarrass themselves in the process. Win-win!
14 Dang it, physics!
Driving can put you in some potentially dangerous scenarios, and that's when you have more than two brain cells and are qualified to drive in the first place. But the art of operating a vehicle becomes even more hazardous when you realize, "Oh, yeah! I've got even less than half a brain!" We're not sure what this person thought would happen when they decided to tie a rope to that rock and try to...well, we don't really know what they were trying to do with it, but whatever it was, it didn't work. Not unless they were deliberately attempting to send it through their back windshield, and somehow we doubt that they were.
We have so many questions, and even though we know you guys don't have the answers either, we still feel compelled to ask them. Those rocks are pretty small, so why didn't they just pick them up if they wanted to move them? When they tied the rope around that rock, didn't they realize it was small enough to carry in one hand? Was the person who captured this on video as dumb as the person driving the car, or did they know what would happen and just wanted a laugh? We're so confused.
13 That seems like a smart decision
Water and electricity. Name a better duo than, we'll wait. *Hums, files nails, builds a miniature replica The Great Wall of China with the Lego blocks our niece left over here when we babysat her last week, organizes cassette tapes in alphabetical order going by the middle name of the drummer of each band* Oh, sorry, we got distracted. So, did you come up with a better duo yet? What's that? No? Yeah, that's right. We didn't think so.
When that guy throws that bucket of water on the electrical fire raging inside that metal box, we think he's going to be shocked by what happens next.
This guy is about .02 seconds away from getting rocked like a hurricane, and he's a lot less upset about that than he ought to be. Where is he summoning his confidence on? Why does he show no fear? We admire those who can rise to the occasion and put their personal phobias aside to tend to the matter at hand, but this is more than conquering personal aversion to a specific happenstance. This is a guy willfully, although perhaps not knowingly, trying to defy electricity, and call us crazy, but we don't think it's gonna go too well.
12 An oxymoron created by a regular moron
Sure, we'll take some free coffee! Just let us see if we've got a dollar in our walle—hey, wait a minute! Free coffee for a dollar? But if we're paying them a dollar for the coffee, then the coffee isn't free at all, is it? Man, this bites. Now if we want to indulge in a warm beverage whilst we enjoy our borrowed copy of Sense and Sensibility or True Grit or Nancy Drew, we're going to have to hand over four quarters that we don't have because we only carry a debit card with us.
We can't believe this library, this place that's supposed to provide free entertainment to us, the library goers, so long as we pinky promise to return their items in a timely fashion, are asking us, complete cheapskates, to fork over money we definitely have for coffee. Maybe if they spiked it with some Bailey's or something, we would be more willing to shell out for it, but a George Washington in exchange for some lukewarm, thin, watery, hardly caffeinated hot liquid in a Styrofoam cup? Pfft! No thanks. We'll go without. And you know what else? This is so ironic because we don't even like coffee anyway.
11 Heathen, what hast thou done?!
Nooo! Foul heathen! What hast thou done to yonder Big Mac?! Avert thine eyes, fellow viewer! Dare not thee to stare into this pick'd apart hamburger bun's crevices for too long a time, else thou, too, shall feel its ill effects. Hark! What is this? Hast our tongue been remov'd, and that of the Bard's himself affix'd in its place? Let it not be so, for it is—*coughs, clears throat* Whew! Oh, sorry. We ordered some new Shakespeare mints from a novelty website recently. Thought we would give one a try after our lunch break. Turns out they're really powerful.
Our Shakespearean spell aside, the fact remains, this person, masked as they are behind their laptop, is no better than that great playwright's villain, Iago.
Maybe they haven't convinced people to do their bidding. Maybe they're not responsible for the taking of lives, but just look at how they're butchering that bun right there. That sandwich did nothing to deserve this kind of treatment. Hamburgers are a good, decent meal, satisfying every craving and filling us up in the process. Shame upon this person for their reproachable behavior! Dishonor on them, and dishonor on their cow—no, wait, that's not Shakespeare, that's Mushu from Mulan. Whoops.
10 They're not going to become a sous chef anytime soon
If you did a Google search about people cooking chicken medium rare, the level of hope that you have left in humanity would suffer a sharp decline, and if your level of hope in humanity is as minute and microscopic as ours is, it may not be able to survive such a steep drop. Don't get us wrong, though, we know that some of the people who are cooking their chicken to medium rare are only doing it for attention and/or they're only doing it as a joke. But the fact is...some of them aren't.
If we didn't know any better, we'd think this person was trying to get salmonella. Medium rare is only okay for cuts of beef (and, some would argue pork, too, but we're not big fans of trichinosis, so we're passing on that one). Bacteria can only penetrate the surface of cuts of beef, so as long as they're cooked on the outside, they're safe. But bacteria can make its way through the whole chicken, not just the outside of the meat, and the same goes for ground beef, too, meaning that you want to eat these foods fully cooked. Got that? Good. Now get out of here with your medium rare chicken nonsense!
9 Pikachu's rhinoplasty didn't go so well
Out of all of the Pokémon, Pikachu is by far the most beloved, and if not the most beloved, then certainly the most iconic. Pokémon, that legion of magical, mystical kind of animals, but also kind of not, creatures, would be nothing without their spokesperson, Pikachu, and they knew this. That's why they ensured Pikachu was set up for life. That electric squirrel was given everything he could ever need and ever want: a mansion, luxury cars, trips to Vegas, as much medium rare chicken as he could possibly eat.
Pikachu had it made, and he knew he would be well loved and taken care of for the rest of his life, no matter what. But that couldn't satisfy his vanity.
No, he simply *had* to have a nose job to fix the flaws in his schnozz that no one, save for himself, ever saw, but in the end, his attempt to fix what wasn't broken led to the creation of the problem he had been trying to solve all along. It's tragic, really. Nah, we're just kidding. We have no idea what really happened that caused this botched Pikachu to come into existence. We just hope someone has the good sense to take this thing down before some Pokémon loving kid comes along and has a meltdown.
8 Looks like someone doesn't have a memory like an elephant
This has got to be one of the most disappointing things that we've seen, what? At least in the past two seconds. We would say it's the most disappointing thing that we've seen all day, but we think the de-pantsed SWAT team guy and the "the bumps on the steering wheel are braille for blind drivers" person take the respective gold and silver medals on that score. We hope this person is okay with settling for bronze. This isn't as bad as the medium rare chicken, but it's still pretty disheartening.
Imagine doing good at art that you can paint an elephant like that. Imagine getting hired to do a mural in a pediatrician's office and painting those elephants for money. Imagine knowing that little kids are going to be staring into the eyes of your painted elephant for comfort when they have to get shots (which, as we all know full well, are owies). Now imagine the sense of panic that sets in as you recall that you told the guy who hired you that you would be done by lunch on Tuesday, but it's 11:58 and you can't remember what an elephant's face is supposed to look like. That's not a good feeling, we imagine.
7 Oh, that's not right
We're patient people. Granted, we have no basis for this claim. We snap at the TV when the same commercial comes on twice in one break, and when people change their orders in restaurants, and when small children wave at us. We guess you could say that we literally can't stand anything. Everything irks us, it's tiresome, but there it is. So forget what we said about being patient. We lied. It was nothing more than a feeble attempt to segue into this conversation. Anyways...
We've got a lot of pet peeves, but none of them are as petty or peevey as buying something at a low price only to see the shipping cost has been inflated to cover the price of the item.
Not cool, seller. Not cool at all. This is not the kind of thing that we like to see from an online seller, and we'll tell you something else, you're doing it wrong. You should never make the cost of the item super cheap, you should always save that for the shipping. Heck, this person would be better off charging a full $7.00 for their product and providing free shipping! That's how you play that game, not like this, you wretched imbecile.
6 The only haircut that makes a mullet look good
We've read through this caption several times, and we still don't know what it says. We understand those words...we understand what this person is trying to convey...but that is about it. We know what's going on, we can see the motions playing out in our head, but even though this situation is flashing before our inner eyes, we still don't know what's happening. Maybe we should be grateful for that, though, because we're fairly sure that if we truly did know what was happening here, we would pay big bucks to rid ourselves of that information.
This guy's hairdo. We don't know what it's supposed to be. It's like he's balding, but he's still holding on to that sliver of "broheim" that embedded itself in his soul like a bloodsucking parasite back in high school. This is not good. This hairstyle makes people who have comb-overs seem reasonable, confident and self-aware. At least they've chosen to try to deny their baldness by utilizing what little hair they have left, rather than embrace their thinning hair in this perverse way. Props to the person sitting behind this guy for having the self-control needed to resist cutting that crappy little ponytail off with a pair of scissors.
5 A masterful feat in architectural design
What you're witnessing is a masterful feat in architectural design. Whoops! Did we say masterful? We meant disasterful—and before you go working yourself up into a tizzy just know that, yes, we are aware that that isn't a word, but consider this: we don't care. And, why should we? If this "architect" doesn't care that the support beams they put on this building go through the windows of said building. What kind of mickey mouse operation is this? This architect couldn't build a respectable tree house, what made them think they could tackle an apartment complex?!
The good news is this doesn't look the least bit silly, so at least there's that.
Would you look at where the poles go through the glass? It looks like somebody threw a rock through there! That's not professionally done! They didn't hire someone who knew what they were doing to make symmetrical, neat, even cuts through those windows, they just picked up some bozo of the street and said, "Hey, make a hole so this pole can fit through it," and then, applying their knowledge of little chips that car windshields get in them when they get hit with rocks, they did just that. To disappointing results.
4 One look at this and we instantly need antacids
All we did was look at this sandwich, and it's repeating on us. We haven't ingested it, only looked at it in sheer alarm, and yet we're suffering from indigestion even as we speak. So, tell us, which one would you rather eat: a boiled egg, shell and all, or this peanut butter and chopped onion sandwich? We can see how you would have trouble picking one of those options over the other, considering they both sound sooooo delicious, but, remember, this is just a hypothetical. No one's forcing your hand on this, we're just asking your preference.
Ha ha! Oh, man, you should've seen the look on your face! We're just kidding around. Pfft! Like we really expected anyone to seriously consider eating this monstrosity! Get real. There's no way in heck we would eat this sandwich. You would be hard pressed to convince us to touch this thing with a ten-foot pole. Who puts onion on a peanut butter sandwich? What kind of food combination is that? This person had better be pregnant because there's no other excuse for this distasteful, unsettling, sad excuse for a meal. We've had about enough of this food abuse, by the way. Food has done nothing to deserve this mistreatment.
3 Definitely not on a scholarship, that's for sure
Ugh! We are just so happy for this girl, graduating from high school and getting herself accepted into a college. Good for her! We're so proud. And, the good news is, California and San Francisco are, like, so close. Within miles of each other. That's a really lucky break because this is going to make moving into her dorm so much easier for her and her family. You know, this reminds us of that time when we moved from Texas to Austin for a new job. Shortly thereafter, though, the company went bankrupt, so we ended up having to move to Massachusetts. The next year, we were up and moving again, this time to Boston.
So annoying when you have to leave your state to move to a city in your state.
But, at least this girl has a good excuse. It's not like she's on the lam or trying to evade some debt collectors or something. She's going to move from California to San Francisco for the very best of reasons. She's going to get some higher education! Yay, hooray! And considering this social media post she made announcing her news to the world, it's clear to us higher education is something she could use.
2 So...what's the problem?
We used an old envelope that we'd saved from an online order to ship a gift to our sister—who, by the way, recently moved from Florida to Tallahassee—and when we took it to the post office to try to have it shipped, they took one look at it, told us it wasn't going to work, in spite of the fact that the reused package was in excellent condition with no holes, no dents, no nothing wrong with it. We ended up having to buy a brand new box to ship a couple pairs of cute socks and a CD we burned a couple thousand miles away, and we're still not over it, either. We've been simmering in a low-key rage about it for about a week now. We might ought to seek professional help at this juncture.
The point is, we've had parcels packaged better than this that we were told weren't good enough to be shipped, yet there are people out there mailing brooms with the handles sticking out across the nation—heck, possibly even across the world—like it's no biggie. We get hit with a massive fine, but these people get a slap on the wrist? Where's the justice in that?!
1 Physician, heal thyself
Ah, irony! You cruel maiden, you never sleep, do you? Oh, but you must be so tired, irony. It's got to be hard work running around all day, up at every hour on the clock, making people look like the morons that they are. You put so much work into this and, don't misunderstand us here, we appreciate it. You're vastly superior to other less sophisticated forms of comedy, like passive aggression. Your efforts have not been in vain, but we figure you could use a little R and R, irony, that's all we're saying.
Judging by this picture of an Auto Glass truck with cardboard windows where some auto glass should be, it looks like irony has been working overtime lately.
Wait. Is that even cardboard at all? It almost looks like brown shipping tape layered and woven kind of like a basket. Plus, that other one looks like it's been covered over with a sheet or some thin tissue paper. We're just splitting hairs right now, but ultimately, it doesn't matter. What's not covering this Auto Glass employee's windows is glass, and if you don't see the irony in that, you need to look again, because this picture's chock full of it.