The other day on our way to the library, we saw a dog with his heads stuck in a McDonald's bag. He managed to work his way out of it, but that's when we discovered that it wasn't a dog at all. It was a racoon, and what's more is he wasn't nosing around in the bag for spare fries or a leftover piece of a Big Mac. All he wanted was the kid's toy, which had been opened and apparently discarded. Once had had it, he cackled that little racoon alien noise that they make and took off into the woods behind the fast food joint. We still don't know what to make of this.
Every so often, we stumble across things that make us scratch our heads and wonder. We see things and, for the life of us, we just don't know what to make of them. In fact, here are some of those things right now! Wow, what a coincidence! It's almost like we had all of this stuff planned out and that's what we've been leading up to this entire time. LOL! Weird. But not as weird as these 15 pictures that make us say, "Sorry, but, uh...what the heck just happened?"
15 We're telling our mom
Well, they're right. Yes, in fact, they did just do something, and that something that they just did was make us throw up all over ourselves. Uh, sorry, but...what? Spreading canned frosting on a slice of pizza? Isn't that one of the Catholic Church's ultimate sins? We don't know what kind of head injuries this person must have sustained that would make them want to put themselves on the fast track to not getting into heaven, but we're not about to ask if we can carpool with them, that's for dang sure.
Not only have we done precisely nothing to deserve to see this monstrosity, pizza did not deserve to play any part in the making of this catastrophe. Pizza is a good and decent food. It can be a snack or a meal—some people even make giant dessert pizzas with a cookie crust and chocolate sauce and various kinds of candy toppings. Pizza has only ever done good to and for any of us, so why all of this unjustified pizza botching? It's obvious to us that this person is burying some deeply rooted psychological issues that they need to address before any of us can begin to heal from this.
14 We don't know how, we don't know why...but we're impressed
We're on board with this guy taking a selfie with the security camera from...whatever place he's in. Looks like a public bathroom, but obviously the restroom is part of a larger building, it's just that we don't know what kind of building that is, and it's so—look, forget it. It doesn't matter. Besides, what we really want to know is, how did he get that thing? Was it just dangling from the ceiling and he just yanked it out of there and took it with him? Did he climb up on top of something and grabbed it and jerked it out like a loose tooth? What's going on?
We love us a good selfie, but we need to know the backstory, or at least have some general idea of what the backstory is, before we can begin to enjoy it. Some may say that's picky, and that's fine, but we would still like hear the deets. And we want to know the aftermath of this picture, too. Did he get to keep the camera, or did this selfie automatically get sent to the building's security computers, meaning the security people were able to track him down? Sigh. This selfie raises far more questions than it answers.
13 Weddings officially don't make sense anymore
Weddings are weird. We said that to our grandma once, and she was like, "No, darling, they're not weird, they're sweet. They're about finding that one person you want to spend the rest of your life with," and we thought, no, that makes it even creepier because who wants to be tied to another person for the rest of their lives? That's an eternity! We don't even know if we want to be around us for that long! We're not against anyone getting married, but you can't deny the concept as a whole is a little out there.
But even stranger than weddings are the wedding pictures. Holy cow are those things whacked.
We're never ready for viewing wedding pictures, no matter how much mental prep we put ourselves through ahead of time. And what makes it worse is the people showing you the wedding pictures always expect you to react, which can be a tough thing to do politely if the pictures are strange. If you're lucky, the wedding pictures you view will be sappy and nauseatingly sentimental. That's best case scenario. Worst case scenario is this. Is this a wedding photo, or a promotional still from a B movie about a giant man and his tiny bride?
12 Sure, we'll give you $10, we'll even throw in a dictionary for free
Oh, we had some Mitch Match civil where when we were growing up. Well, our Mom and Dad had it, we were just allowed to use it because we were kids and we lived with them—although we were almost banned from using it, along with the rest of our siblings because our older sister got one of the spoons stuck in the garbage disposal, and it came out all jacked up. Our mom cried because, hey, that Mitch Match brand civil where is expensive. Have you seen those prices? Unbelievable! We would never buy that stuff new, but this ad? A 41-piece set for only $10? Ha! That's a steal!
Of course, there's only one problem with this ad. Oh, sure, it's a great bargain, but there's no such thing as Mitch Match civil where. What we think this person is trying to say is "mismatched silverware" only it all got lost in translation. We've said it before and we'll say it again, especially now when we have this post to help prove our point: people should be forced to pass a test before they're allowed to sign up for social media. Need to keep this kind of non-success off the streets of the internet at all costs.
11 *Ping* You've got mail. Also, your popcorn's done
We grew up in the country, mmkay? We've seen some weird stuff. We've seen people ride down to the liquor store on their lawnmowers. We've seen people water skiing in ditches on the side of the road by using a four-wheeler, some of those tie down straps and old container lids. We've seen people using their bathtubs to make moonshine, like this is the prohibition era and not the 2010's. You never know what you're going to find in rural areas, which sounds spooky, but usually, it's just stuff that's perplexing and hilarious.
We've never seen somebody use a microwave as a mailbox during our time out in the country, but we can tell you this much: it's not out of the realm of possibility.
Besides, clearly it's not out of the realm of possibility. We mean, we've got a picture right here of someone slapping all of their knowledge of postal delivery in the face in favor of receiving their packages and letters in the old microwave that they were using to make popcorn not five minutes ago. We guess it went out when they were heating up some Spam while it was still in the can. We don't know. Anyway, more power to them for upcycling, we guess.
10 Oh, like you wouldn't have done it, too, Teach'
Hey, this teacher can get mad at her students all she wants, but she knew that they were going to do this, and furthermore, Your Honor, by leaving her students alone during a test, she was knowingly baiting her hook and casting it out into the water. It was only a matter of time before those little bottom feeders starting biting at her line, as she was well aware. This is nothing short of entrapment, Your Honor, sir, and it cannot be allowed to stand!
These children did wrong, there's no denying that, but as children, is it not our job to teach them what is right and what is wrong? Shouldn't the real person to blame here be the teacher for leaving her students alone during a test? Your Honor, we assert that she knew full well what would happen. She knew what her students were going to do as soon as she stepped out of that room, but instead of refusing to give them the chance to misbehave, she all but led them astray in the first place. We hereby ask the jury to drop all charges and give these kids an A- test score. Thank you for your time. We rest our case.
9 Kevin, no!
Kids have got to be the most random beings on the face of the planet. If you come across us while we're scrolling through the internet on our computer, and you see us stop, look off into the distance, shake our head, sigh and facepalm, eight times out of ten the reason why we did that is because some kid did something stupid and posted it online. And, know something else? We bet we're not alone in feeling that. You guys have probably noticed it too. We should start a club or something. Build a tree house, think up a password, get some matching sweatshirts. Could be fun.
Kevin, you get off that ledge right now, young man, before we call your mother and tell her all about what you've been up to, do you hear us?!
Oh, sure, Kevin thinks he's the stuff right now, but just you wait. As soon as he climbs back over the railing (provided he doesn't fall and break his legs first), that's when he'll remember, oh, yeah! He added his mom on Snapchat last week and, crap, if she sees this, he is totally grounded, and, yeah. Maybe next time Kevin should think twice before he commits to shenanigans.
8 That's just good parenting, folks
Oh, we done seen it all, now. What does she want people to do? She wants us to ask a baby—as in an infant, as in has barely been outside of the womb for any amount of time at all, as in can't even talk yet baby baby—if it's okay if we change their diaper? Okay...we'll give it a shot, we guess. We don't know how appreciative the baby's gonna be when they're sitting in their own filth, scream crying while we stand there saying, "Alright, honey, I know this is hard, since it's only been ten minutes since you got out of there, but can I change your diaper? Gah! Quit screaming! What are you, at a rave? Now, is that a yes or a no?"
How are people supposed to know if the baby says no? What if the baby says no, but they're developing severe diaper rash and should really have their diaper changed whether they like it or not? What if this woman is maggot-gaggingly off her rocker and has neither the experience nor the basic medical know-how nor the good sense to tell us how we should be parenting our kids? Aha! We think we just found our answer.
7 What kind of lame-o cult is this?
If you're a person with white hair, balding quite a bit up top, then we hate to tell you this, but it looks like you missed out on a meeting with your people. Hey, by the way, when did you guys go and start a cult? And why did you decide to base your cult on your baldness? That seems like a weird thing to do, although, to be fair, cults are a weird thing to do in general, so we guess you were on the right track, what with your keeping with the weird theme and all.
Well, one of these old guys is going to have to go home and change—or, put a hat on, we guess.
They can't all go out sporting the same look. It simply isn't done! What if they're not members of a cult at all? That means that the fact that they all look the same isn't sensible, it's ridiculous! What happens when they all get off at the same stop and go to the same farmer's market or the same bowling alley or something? People are going to make fun of them for showing up wearing the same thing. This is so embarrassing.
6 Should we laugh or be annoyed?
"Hope you don't mind I used it for a while." Mind? Why would this girl mind you using her ID to get into bars while you were still underage? Why would she mind having to go through all of the trouble of getting a new driver's license and having to wait in line at the DMV for hours on end only to be given the run around every time she talked to someone, all because you wanted to drink beer with your underage classmates? Why would she mind if you used her ID for your own purposes instead of sending it back to her like a normal person?
We were a little bit bitter about this on behalf of the lady who owns this driver's license, and to be sure, we still are kind of ticked off about it. But, we admit, once we saw that precious little smiley face at the bottom near this identity theft's signature? D'aww, that's when our heart melted instantly and we forgave her for all of the trouble that she caused. How could you possibly get mad at a little scamp like that? All she wanted to do was get hammered, who cares if she committed a couple illegal acts? Big deal.
5 His mouth says, "I love you," but his eyes say, "I've seen too much of this world"
There were a lot of things that we didn't need to see today, but of that long list, this was at the very tippity top. Who told this photographer that our greatest phobia is Barney looking crazed and slightly depressed while sitting in a hammock? Because you know who you are, and you're the person we're blaming for the existence of this photo. We'll be thinking of you every night when we wake up screaming a bed that we wet because we were having bad dreams about this image. Thanks a lot. Have a good time going through life carrying the weight of that guilt on your shoulders.
We only took one look at this picture, but you can consider us thoroughly shook.
We weren't prepared to see this picture, and, granted, there's really no good way of preparing yourself, either mentally or physically, for seeing a picture of a guy in a beat up old Barney the Dinosaur suit, sitting in hammock, eyes wide as dinner plates like the purple guy just witnessed a homicide or something. We don't know if we should pray for Barney's mental health, or if we should burn this picture. Just to be safe, we'll do both.
4 Looks like there's a new fashionista in town
What in the heck...? Who told Nike that this was a good idea? Somebody needs to be fired, or at least given a different job title, because it's obvious they aren't cut out for product idea coming up with...ing. Oh, we guess the actual title is product designer. We just Googled it. Anyway, back to these awful shoes. We're surprised that they exist, that's for sure, but we're actually more surprised that somebody agreed to wear them. Somebody saw these at a store (or, more likely, in a dumpster where they belong), said to themselves, "I need those on my feet immediately, ASAP, as quick as I can get them." And, boom. That's what they did.
You think a shoe company couldn't be happier with their place in the world. They are dominating the competition, signing advertising deals with major athletes, positively raking in the cash. Then, out of nowhere, they decide they're not happy just making sports shoes. They're not happy with that situation, they want to get in on the fashion conversation. They decide they want to make high heels—and it's at that very moment when the devil climbs out of his fiery pit to give them his "blessing".
As for this Spanish textbook, we don't even know what's going on. Why do you guys always gotta look to us for the answers? We're drawing a blank, okay? We don't get it either. Think up your own explanation for this thing. We haven't been keeping up with Miranda Cosgrove lately. In fact, we haven't even checked up on her IMDB page since Drake and Josh ended. If it weren't for all of the iCarly memes and references that we see on our social media feeds, we wouldn't even have known that she was still around at all.
If we saw this book cover out of context, we would assume Miranda Cosgrove was so hard up for cash, this was her last ditch effort before she had to say, "Adios" to her house, her car and her career.
Fortunately for Miranda, though, it looks like she's still sitting pretty when it comes to her acting gigs, so we're glad. What we're not so happy about, however, is the fact that we don't know what's going on here. Is this a Miranda impersonator? Is this Miranda's stand-in? Should we ask this girl for her autograph? And, most importantly, should we have said all of this in Spanish?
2 Gummy snakes keep the sun out of your eyes *and* they look cool
Not sure if that's Dean Norris, AKA Hank from Breaking Bad, or if that's some guy on a cruise who's going through a midlife crisis and who's so full of piña coladas that he can barely stand up by himself, making his near perfect placement of those gummy snakes that much more incredible. We mean, come on, all the "what in the heck is going on here?" aside, you have to admit that the fact that this guy could display such stellar hand-eye coordination while drunk as a skunk is impressive, even if it is more than a little weird.
You know you're at a great party when the bald guy in the group starts putting candy on his head—bonus points if he's not drunk when he does it, by the way, because we can see a drunk guy putting candy snakes on his head. Drunk people often do things that make no sense. But to see someone completely sober do something as inexplicable as this? That makes the whole situation climb about twelve rungs up on the SMH meter. Well, at least if he ever needs to get his blood sugar up in a hurry, he can just peel one of those puppies off his head.
1 Definitely nothing nefarious going on here
We love kids. Okay, that's a lie, but we like kids. Okay, that's a lie, too, but we tolerate kids. And, yeah, that's still a lie, but we can't take you through that spiel another time, that would be unfair and cliched. Okay, that's a lie, we totally can do that and we just did. But, anyway. The kids are alright. So much so that they made a movie with that phrase as the title. But there's one thing you can't deny about children.
Kids probably don't mean to be so unsettling. But the fact remains, they do these strange things that we adults misconstrue as other, often worse and/or more petrifying things. For instance, this little girl has decided to place her doll's heads in old pill containers. We think that's got a real mad scientist vibe to it and that her parents should be a little concerned. But her real justification for this stunt is probably something completely innocent. She was probably just storing them there to keep their hair from getting wet, or maybe she was conducting a genetic experiment that didn't go too well, and now she has to keep the doll's heads in there to contain the radiation.