Take These Back To Their Home Planets - 15 People Who have No Business Cooking

A whisper of cinnamon, transported upon the breeze drifting through the telltale cracks of the kitchen door. Three swift dashes of fluffy banana cream. A stir of melted caramel like a scoop of all that is good in the world. We close our eyes and let ourselves topple ever so softly back into the array of aromas.

Cooking is one of the most unique ways to define oneself and what we have to offer. While some may see it as a simple task that only serves to provide sustenance for the family, others see it as art or even a story to tell.

More than anything, it can be a way to prove to that one special person just how much they mean to us by putting every last drop of careful attention we possess into the intricacies of our recipes. Indeed, every insignificant aspect of how we dice our bell peppers or slice our mangoes determines how well we may or may not handle real life situations.

We are all different when it comes to our original tastes and preferences, but also with regards to how we set about performing the art of cooking. However, there is a difference between original and simple atrocity.

Hedgehog Disaster

Via: Pinterest

A classic chocolate cake is much too simple for our sweet nephew’s sixth birthday party, huh? Well, clearly, the only remaining solution is to make one that scares the living daylights out of him and all his friends.

Cake making for special occasions is usually left up to professionals and there is a good reason for this. Most people can’t make a cake. No matter how carefully the untrained chef may follow a good, reliable recipe, it is almost sure that their cake with either implode or explode in the most inconvenient way possible.

Some say to add yeast. Others say that we need to beat our eggs just enough to make the whole mixture effortlessly flow right into the cake mould. Every so often, we'll hear someone say it’s best to cook without milk or with minimal quantities of flour. Some will even say that it's best to bake in the basement rather than the kitchen for some reasons to do with temperature.

But even if we do everything right, we can end up with more of a gargoyle than a cute little hedgehog. We’re not sure how the birthday party went down, but one thing we can say with absolute certainty is that those kids were plagued with nightmares for weeks afterwards.

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14 Malicious Grins

Via: Demilked

Whether or not we realize it, we have very little free time to ourselves, what with work and family and fighting with our neighbors. Therefore, upon returning home after an argumentative day, we often don’t want to have to set about making a complicated meal to fit in with our picture-perfect balanced diet.

The frozen food industry has been playing on our exhaustion and laziness for years, concocting fun curly fries and overly joyous faces out of fried potato which require nothing but a toss into the oven and a scoop onto a plate in order to be enjoyed.

We buy these simple meals out of sheer unwillingness to fry out own potatoes, but also because there’s something rewarding about having our dinner smile back at us when we sit down to devour it. In this lonely tiresome world, it’s good to know that we have support, even if it comes from fried potato batter.

So, how would one not despair when we pull open our oven door just to be greeted with scowls and grimaces foul enough to make us want to turn and run? It’s hard to be stumped when it comes to cooking frozen goods. But when setting the correct temperature and time on the oven is just too much, we know we need to change something about our lives.

13 Sweet Dreams

Via: BoredPanda

Getting children to eat can be tough. If they aren't accustomed to eating balanced meals or are just obnoxiously picky regarding what they eat, they often find it easier to throw a tantrum instead of trying the new food their parents desperately wish they would swallow. Besides, there is nothing more exasperating than watching your little ones refuse to touch the meal over which you’ve been slaving over all evening. While cooking can be daring and dangerous, it can also be cute and child-friendly.

Clearly, someone somewhere spent time sculpting this mound of rice and fluffy omelette into a scene out of a children’s fairy story.

If this doesn’t get your four year-old to finish off her dinner plate, we don’t know what will. And then, what should have been a fairytale became a nightmare. They say it’s a bad idea to give up before you’ve even started, but we can’t help but see something awfully artistic about this evil mass of broccoli hiding under the covers, even though it doesn’t quite look similar to the sweet-dreaming bear. I mean, if your toddlers respond better to a tough-love sort of solution, having this lurking on their plate might make them eat faster just to be free of its mocking stare.

12 Pika-Who?

Via: Pinterest

Created in 1996 by Satoshi Tajiri, the Pokemon franchise has since been edited into various Nintendo games and thrilled every new generation with different adventures involving these lovable characters. What first made children everywhere fall in love with Pokemon was the trading card game, through which friends/accomplices could trade various cards in order to complete their collections. Some rare cards are worth such a huge sum of money these days

Nintendo most recently gave us the enjoyment of Pokemon Go, which meant getting off the couch and heading outside in search of strange virtual creatures of varying levels of rarity, which could then fight one another and earn points or progress further in the game. Something along those lines. There have been also been Pokemon movies and books, as well as a myriad of stuffed toys and figurines. Needless to say, Pokemon is a universe of its own, with fans in every last, hidden corner of the world.

And this is how we do its most memorable character of Pikachu, justice? It’s the dream of most youngsters to have a Pokemon themed cake, but I’m not sure that is exactly what this one is to be qualified as. Somehow, the little sunshine-colored monster we all love metamorphosed into a gloopy smudge of evil yellow with eyes wild enough to make you shudder.

11 I Wonder Where All The Drinks Went...

Via Imgur

Viral internet videos of this beautiful technicolor vodka and jelly cake have been making us all look forward to the summer months where drinking and cooking become one since the beginning of 2018. In the instructive videos, the creation of it looks so wonderfully simple. All you have to do is mix each layer and let it set in the fridge before pouring the next one on top of it. Yet, somehow, the careful putting-together of ingredients and layers is never quite as calming and picture-perfect a process as in such videos.

It’s always difficult to find that balance between carefully following the video’s instructions and not making a huge mess.

It is unlikely the end result will look identical to the original, but it is, most likely, possible that some vodka jellies came out looking a little better than this one. We’re pretty sure most of the recipe’s vodka was slurped down during the tiresome work it required to start making this rainbow-colored treat, which is why this chef’s party guests are also going to need a good number of drinks if they are to believe this is how the jelly was meant to look.

10 Mugshot

Via: Yumm

Who hasn’t seen pictures of this adorable dish? I mean, I honestly can’t count the number of times someone has come up to me with a snapshot of a sugar-coated chocolate treat sitting ever so cosily in their favorite mug. ‘Look at the mug cake I made last night!’ they squeal joyfully, and there is no better way to respond than with a coy smile, while thinking to ourselves that ,if they can do it, so can pretty much anyone.

And then, in all our audacity, we try to prove just how easy it is to make a mug-sized cupcake. We pull the necessary ingredients out of our kitchen cupboards, quickly set up our work space and turn up the volume on the radio to listen to the news as we pour flour and milk into a bowl.

Within an hour, the walls are covered in cake mix, the lightbulb is too coated in chocolate paste to let pass even a last ray of artificial light, and you are sitting on your kitchen floor, head in your hands, stray chocolate chips in your hair and upturned mixing bowl in your lap. As for your mug cake, it looks somewhat like this. A sad explosion in a coffee mug.

9 Pieces Of What Could've Been

Via: Instagram

Broken windows, broken hearts, broken dreams…Sometimes it would seem everything is crumbling down around us, so quickly and so unforgivingly that there is no more we can do but watch it fall. The worst sensation, however, is still to come. There you are, in all your darkening discontentment, and you know the only thing left to do is to make yourself a tasty snack to make it all okay again. After all, what more than a waffle or a pancake could one ever need to make the rest of the world vanish?

It’s only when your waffle falls through that there is nothing left to try.

If this doesn’t mean your day is going to bring with it one mistake after another, we don’t know what does. Effectively, taking waffles out of the waffle maker is much more difficult than it may appear to the untrained eye. Although, isn’t the effort we put into making them what makes waffles so delicious? Topped with salted caramel ice cream or covered in a creamy, nut-based chocolate spread, a waffle is the perfect way to start the day. Well, when it doesn’t look like this.

8 Devilish Eggs

Via: Pinterest

For so many of us, deviled eggs were the first dish our parents taught us to make, after finally caving upon seeing us stare delightedly into the kitchen for the umpteenth time. There isn’t much to these fun little eggs, yet they taste as tropically delicious as the rarest and most succulent mango picked from a coconut tree in the Bahamas.

With some mayonnaise and a few careful dashes of paprika, you can take your hard boiled eggs places they never could have fathomed. Taking that step from impressed bystander to making deviled eggs of your own is one so many children remember. Watched over by the suspicious guidance of our mothers, we all recall what is was like to scoop our first dollop of egg mix into those solid white shells.

For those who know what they’re doing, it’s only natural to experiment with aesthetically different sorts of deviled eggs, such as these Easter-friendly eggs. After all, how hard can it be to cut up little carrot feet and choose the best possible grains of black pepper for eyes? However, those of us who cannot call ourselves masters of the kitchen and its tools are most likely to create something which looks more like a spawn of Lucifer. These chicks are suitable for anything but eating.

7 Rainbow Gloop

Via: Imgur

Ah, a sun-tinted rainbow. The refraction of light upon the slowing drops of rain shattering to the ground as the sun burns through the clouds. There is no color scheme more stunning than that of the seven colors of a rainbow. This is probably why people of every trade have eternally been attempting to produce a similar sight. Artist hurl paint at a canvas, clothes designers sift through a thousand shades of color to find the perfect rainbow-worthy ones, and chefs pull out all the stocks to make their food coloring just right.

Others, however, mix everything together at once and slap some old icing onto what can only be described as an attack on innocent colors everywhere.

We understand how this could happen, though, because no one ever tells you online how hard it is to make your food coloring do what you need it to. Other than staining any piece of clothing in a ten foot radius, we can’t be sure what it will do once the drops hit our cake mix. It’s like chemistry class all over again, but, of course, much more life-altering since it’s to do with food rather than our grades.

6 I Think My Quiches Are Making A Run For It

Via: TheChive

The trouble with ready-made meals is that you never quite know what you’re going get. It’s a sure thing that the picture on the box has nothing to do with what you’ll find inside, but other than that, you’ve just got to hope for the best. We have seen some atrocious pre-prepared meals in the past, so we’ve began to work out ways to determine which food suppliers to trust and of which to steer clear, but if we were able to generalize, it would be far too easy.  Choosing not to cook your own meal is like playing darts.

You either hit a lucky bullseye or spend the night wistfully sipping your way through a twelve-pack of drinks.

In Trader Joe’s defense, the box does say the crust is thin. You know you’re unlucky when even your dinner is trying to run away from you. I believe the instructions indicate that this supposedly finely cuisine should be placed directly on the rack inside an oven until the crust crisp or lightly brown…Maybe the filling was meant to escape from the aforementioned crust in a failed attempt to escape its fate? Is this how they concoct all of their dishes in France?

5 Sponge-Not

Via: Pinterest

You have not lived if you never spent an entire Sunday patiently waiting through channels packed full of commercial breaks in order to find a fifteen minute episode of SpongeBob Squarepants. That overly joyous sponge is responsible for the adults so many children become, through his hidden life messages and innocent antics. SpongeBob is best known for his unwavering optimism, childlike sense of adventure and love of his job making hamburgers for all of Bikini Bottom. Along with his best friend, Patrick the starfish, SpongeBob has been making us all giggle since 1999.

So I guess it is only natural to want to do him justice by a baking a themed birthday cake. His outfit and silhouette being ostensibly simple to recreate, it would appear that many believe they should take a chance at making him into something edible.

They should not. We aren’t quite sure which version of SpongeBob this person saw before making their cake, but it most definitely wasn’t a classic daytime episode about friends and burgers. It’s a good thing they planted a little figurine of the original model into the baked dough, because otherwise it would have been almost impossible to identify the hidden identity of this yellow, polygonal oddity.

4 Scrambled Mess And Ham

Via: Pinterest

Eggs tend to be pretty reliable. No matter how you’re feeling, you can find an eggy dish to make yourself feel less alone, whether it be scrambled eggs for a carefree Sunday morning or hardboiled eggs for a snack after a long day at school. If you’re up for it, you can toss your eggs into a bowl and turn them into anything from bread to tiramisu. Most commonly, eggs are transformed into omelettes, which can be filled with sugary sweetness or salty savory treats.

What’s most fantastic about omelettes is how you can throw anything into the mix and it'll still turn out pretty good.

Okay, maybe not anything, but you get my point. Omelettes require flipping and surveillance, but not a whole lot else, which is what makes putting them together so easy for a majority of the general public. Still, we all have bad days. As, apparently, do omelettes. We all know what it’s like to flip through magazines of beautiful women and wonder how on earth they came to look like that, whilst also realizing that, compared to them, we’re just a scrambled mess. Which is probably how this omelette feels when it sees what it could have been.

3 Mac And Oh Geez...

Via: Reddit

It’s okay to dream or fantasize about what will one day come to be. The only trouble is that the more you dream, the more disappointed you’re likely to feel when reality fails to live up to your expectations. For example, imagine spending the morning working, sorting, picking your battles because if you fought them all you wouldn’t have a second left to breathe, and most of all looking forward to coming home for lunch and finally taking a break.

Lazily, basking in the time you have to yourself no matter how short it may be, you begin to throw together some ingredients: pasta, cheese, cream, spices, some green herbs you find on the counter because it would seem someone in your family knows what they’re doing in the kitchen.

Sit down on the couch. Watch a distracting sitcom and giggle at the daily hilarities of reality shows and/or good old sitcoms. Wait for your mac and cheese to come out of the oven so you can burn your tongue in the most worth-it way possible. Saunter back into the kitchen. Take it out of the oven - And you see this. This is your treat for the day - some grey gloop in a bowl.

2 Pâtisserie Problems

Via: Pinterest

For many foods, one of the most important aspects of its creation is its aesthetic side. It’s why we ball melons or put little umbrellas into our favorite cocktails: taste and presentation are equal rivals in the quest for a perfectly delicious delight. Sadly, food industries tend to cheat by adding chemical colors and preservation techniques, but a real chef can make his food naturally beautiful. A perfect example is the macaron. Macarons are one of France’s most characteristic pastries, known for their bright colors, creamy and tender taste and explosion of sweet flavor.

They are meringue-based little cakes with a cream filling between the two layers.

Pastry chefs all over the world have attempted to recreate these little French slices of heaven. But there is something missing from the whole experience when you aren’t eating beachside while watching the frolicking waves lap at the shore in Cannes or Monaco. A macaron requires the whole Mediterranean experience in order to be enjoyed to the fullest, but another significant aspect of making the perfect macaroon is, well, not letting them turn out like this. Still, nothing’s to say these lumps, as void of color as they may be, won’t turn out to be delicious. It’s what’s inside that counts.

1 Christmas Cookies

Via: Pinterest

Obviously we couldn’t show you all sorts of disastrous dishes without mentioning these cookies. As you know, Christmas comes in all shapes and sizes. Christmas is everything from family and friends and meals that throw your slim waist out of the window, to Santa and elves and reindeers. Both fiction and non fiction come together once a year to create a holiday somehow based around childhood dreams and also human realities.

It can be a religious holiday and a series of celebrations bringing everyone closer together. Indeed, Christmas is so full of connotations and symbols that it is difficult to keep track of them all: snowmen, trees, and most importantly, lumpy green blobs. What would Christmas be without pale green deformations of cookie dough?

Somehow it seems impossible to make perfectly shaped cookies. Some seem to have acquired various techniques to make dainty Santa hats and refined reindeer. On the other hand, most of us take time out of our busy schedule to cut the dough. As a result, it comes out of the oven all smushed together and bubbling over the sides of the tray. It’s a good thing our families have to love us no matter what, despite what we try to pass off to them as dessert.

Reference: reddit.com, pinterest.com

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