Damon Salvatore was arguably the best character on The Vampire Diaries. The man had so much depth and was always so much fun to watch. Ian Somerhalder played the role so well and gave Damon the charisma that made him so darn likeable. Damon was at times a very dark character, haunted by his past and all of the horrible things he had done. He also went through a difficult time when Elena was put under a sleeping spell. However, even though Damon was often in some kind of emotional pain, he often had the best comedic lines in the series. We've compiled a list of our favorite quotes from Damon over the 8 seasons of the show and we hope they will make you smile and maybe even giggle.
15 "If I see anything I haven't seen before I'll throw a dollar at it."
Back in season 1 when Stefan and Elena were in bed together, Damon walked into their bedroom and claimed that he would throw a dollar at anything he hadn't seen before. Leave it to Damon Salvatore to ease the tension with a joke in what could have been an incredibly awkward moment. The fact that Elena and his brother were in bed together didn't even phase him. He strolled right in like it was no big deal and asked them to "stop being smutty." Hilarious! Naturally, Stefan and Elena were annoyed by Damon's insistence on discussing vampire drama during that inappropriate moment as they exchanged glances at each other, but Damon will be Damon. Hey, at least he didn't catch them in the act.
14 "Dear Diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today."
During a season 3 episode when Stefan is writing in his diary, Damon stands in the doorway and mocks him by saying "Dear diary, a chipmunk asked me my name today. I told him it was Joe." Then he adds dramatically, "that lie will haunt me forever." Stefan is obviously annoyed by this. The reason this line is so funny is because Stefan was the king of brooding. I mean, if you look up brooding in the dictionary, you will probably find his profile photo. All joking aside, Stefan was often a very serious character with a lot of demons that haunted him. He always felt incredibly bad for anything he ever did that hurt others. This quote uttered by Damon was poking fun at that.
13 "Stefan is different. He wants to feel every episode of How I Met Your Mother."
Towards the end of season 1, Damon is having a chat with Alaric about how vampires have the ability to turn their emotions on and off like flipping a switch. Damon says the easier route is to just turn them off and that its a vampire's instinct not to feel. He went on to tell Alaric that Stefan was different than himself in that he chose to keep his emotions on. Damon added that Stefan "wants to feel every episode of How I Met Your Mother," which is a pretty funny reference, especially since How I Met Your Mother was a comedy series. Damon ends the conversation by telling Alaric that because he has his emotions shut off, that's why he's so fun to be around. Oh, Damon. Always good for a sarcastic comment.
12 "...and my unflinching ability to listen to Taylor Swift."
In a conversation with Stefan in an early season 1 episode, Damon says "believe it or not Stefan, some girls don't need my persuasion. Some girls just can't resist my good looks, my style, my charm, and my unflinching ability to listen to Taylor Swift." The Vampire Diaries didn't use pop culture references too often, but whenever they did, it was always in a funny way. Damon was always aware of the fact that he was good looking and charming and he often used that to his advantage. However, we have a hard time believing that the man actually listens to Taylor Swift. No offense to the talented pop star, but is it just us, or does it seem like Damon would be into something a little more grungy?
11 "Aren't you worried that, one day, all the forest animals are gonna band together and fight back?"
Back in the early days of the show when Stefan used forest animals for blood instead of feasting on humans, Damon couldn't help but make fun of him for his lifestyle choice. He asked Stefan "aren't you worried that, one day, all the forest animals are gonna band together and fight back? I mean, surely they talk." Damon found so much joy in teasing his brother about his morals.
Damon's feast of choice at the time were blood bags and Stefan told him that he was thankful that he was feeding himself with those instead of sorority girls, as Damon had done in the past. Damon responded by saying "I like this. You walking on eggshells around me because you think I'm gonna explode. Very suspenseful." Gotta love Damon when he's sarcastic!
10 "Hi, I'm level-headed Damon, I only come out when Stefan goes a little cuckoo."
In season 7, when Damon and Stefan are discussing plans to solve the Julian issue, Damon states that Julian has gone off the rails and they should take a minute to think about their next move before they end up dead. Stefan is a little surprised by Damon's remarks and asks him when he started to think logically. Damon responds by saying "Hi, I'm level-headed Damon, I only come out when Stefan goes a little cuckoo. And since you're letting your mommy and could've-been-daddy issues drive you right now..." Yep, level-headed Damon was definitely needed in that moment and that quote was genius.
Stefan then responds by asking Damon if he believes Julian doesn't deserve to die. Damon says he does believe Julian deserves to die, but he doesn't want him and Stefan to end up dead, too.
9 "That's for me to know and for you to dot dot dot."
Probably one of Damon's most famous lines from the show came from the second episode of the series when he had Vicki Donovan on a rooftop and had been feeding on her. He tried to convince Stefan to feed on her as well, but Stefan refused. Damon then told Stefan that he planned to stick around Mystic Falls, as he believed the town needed "a bit of a wake-up call." Stefan was then curious, as he asked Damon what he was up to. Damon responded with "that's for me to know and for you to dot dot dot," adding his own flare to a common phrase. Even though Damon was seen as the villain at the time, that didn't stop him from spouting off some good old sarcasm.
8 "What is this guy, Witch-ipedia?"
In a season 4 episode of the show, Damon, Bonnie and Elena decide to attend a class at Whitmore college about witches, formerly taught by Bonnie's grandmother. Damon only brings Elena to campus so that he can teach her how to feed, as this was shortly after she became a vampire. The class the three decide to attend was then being taught by Professor Shane. Damon is easily annoyed by the guy lecturing, especially after Bonnie and Elena agree that Professor Shane is hot. Damon asks Bonnie "What is this guy, witch-ipedia?" Bonnie, clearly annoyed, immediately shushes Damon as Elena quietly laughs at his joke. Damon then proceeds to check out the members of the class and tells Elena which ones would be best to feed on.
7 "Always had a thing for sorority girls."
In the same episode where Damon, Bonnie and Elena spend a day at Whitmore college to teach Elena how to feed as a new vampire, Damon tells Elena that if he could go to college, she could go to college, too. Surprised, Bonnie retorts, "you went to college?" Damon replies by saying "sure, plenty of times. Always had a thing for sorority girls," with a devious look on his face. Bonnie then said what we were all thinking: "you're disgusting." Damon smiled, pleased with himself, and said "I know." Shameless Damon at his best. He knows he's shallow and gross and he doesn't have a problem with it. That's what made his character so great and so much fun to watch. He got away with some awful things and we still loved him, but it's mostly because of his personality.
6 "If I have to hear doppelgänger one more time, I'm going to have to learn how to spell it."
In the season 5 premiere episode, after finding out that Stefan is one of Silas' many doppelgangers, Damon does what Damon does best and states the truth in a sarcastic and funny way. He basically says what we were all thinking. "If I have to hear doppelganger one more time, I'm going to have to learn how to spell it." The reason why this joke is so funny is because the word "doppelganger" was used on the show so many times, viewers probably got sick of hearing it. Ian Somerhalder himself stated that the word is basically on every page of dialogue in the scripts. Ian also admitted to knowing how to spell the word, even though Damon apparently doesn't. Even though The Vampire Diaries is a show that is missed, it definitely doesn't hurt to not hear that word all the time.
5 "Do I look like I know anything about tattoos? Look at my skin, it's flawless."
In season 4, when the gang was dealing with the group of vampire hunters called the Five, one of the hunters, Galen Vaughn, captured Damon and bound him with vervain ropes to a tree in the woods. He proceeded to tell Damon about the mysterious tattoo on his right arm and how it magically completed itself three days before. The tattoo appeared on the arms of the members of the Five hunters after they killed a certain amount of vampires. Jeremy Gilbert was one of the members of the group of vampire hunters and had the tattoo on his arm, as well.
After telling Damon about the tattoo mysteriously completing itself, Damon responds to Galen by saying "do I look like I know anything about tattoos? Look at my skin. It's flawless." We have to agree, Damon. It is pretty darn flawless.
4 "I do believe in killing the messenger. Know why? Because it sends a message."
Towards the end of the first season, when Elena's biological mother, Isobel, makes an appearance, we find out she is bad news. Turns out the woman was in cohorts with Katherine and was up to no good. She even told Elena that she didn't have any redeeming qualities. In the episode, Isobel was after a gadget that has the ability to destroy vampires. In one very poignant scene, Damon starts making out with her only to fool her and grab her by the throat and tell her that he believes in killing the messenger. Why? "Because it sends a message." The line was made of genius and Ian Somerhalder delivered it so well. He then added "if Katherine wants something from me, you tell the little bitch to come get it herself." Pure gold.
3 "I like being the eternal stud."
One of the perks of being a vampire is never growing old. This is a perk that Damon Salvatore is obviously cool with. Damon is very attractive and he knows it and uses it to his advantage. Damon loves going after young, hot girls and growing old doesn't exactly seem like something he would be very fond of. In the 4th episode of the first season, Damon is talking with his brother, Stefan, telling him that he thinks "it's cool not growing old" because he likes "being the eternal stud." Of course he does. Stefan responds to Damon sarcastically by saying that "being a 150 year old teenager has been the height of my happiness." Nice one, Stefan. Damon even seemed surprised that he "cracked a funny."
2 "What's so special about this Bella girl? Edward's so whipped!"
In one of the first few episodes of the series, Damon is reading a book from the ever so popular Twilight series, which is why The Vampire Diaries took off in the first place. The Twilight series made vampires popular, thus The Vampire Diaries series was created and greenlit at The CW. So the fact that they put in this little reference was quite funny. While reading the book, which is owned by Caroline, he says to her, "What's so special about this Bella girl? Edward's so whipped!" Caroline then tells him he needs to read the first book in the series first, otherwise things won't make sense. She then asked him why he doesn't sparkle like Edward does and Damon responds by saying "I live in the real world where vampires burn in the sun." The dialogue was so on point.
1 "Don't look at me with those judgy little eyes."
In season one, episode 6, after Damon turns Vicki Donovan into a vampire, he shows up at Elena's house at night and asks her where Stefan is. Elena is scared of Damon at the time and tells him that Stefan is out looking for Vicki. Damon then tells her "don't look at me with those judgy little eyes." Elena's moral compass always aligned with Stefan's and at the beginning of the series, Damon was the villain of the show. As the show progressed, Damon became more likable, but in this episode, he is most definitely the bad guy. Damon knows he's not the kindest person on the planet and knows he's done wrong, but he uses sarcasm on Elena when he knows she's judging him for his actions.