Don't you hate it when people start tossing insults around like glitter, and you can't think of a single comeback? All you want to do is show off your vicious wit, but your brain freezes, and you just stand there like an idiot. We've all been there.
We imagine it was situations like that which prompted the need for the "yo mama" joke. Memorize a handful of those puppies, and you don't have to worry about being caught without some shade to throw. You'll have a ready arsenal of comebacks to defend yourself with.
The next time you need to school some fools in a hurry, make good use of one of these 30 yo mama jokes, which are among the best you can find on the internet.
Yo mama's pictures always take several years to print, on account of her being so fat. Like we said, that picture we took last year is still printing. What are you even going to do with it when we finally give it to you? First of all, it's going to be a mile long by three miles wide. That's huge. You're never going to find a frame for that picture.
Second of all, do you even know how much we had to spend on printer ink for that thing? We had to take out a loan from our bank. And we've got news for you: you are going to help out on payments. After all, taking a picture of yo mama wasn't our idea. We sure as heck don't want to look at her.
Yo mama spent hours studying for her blood test. If her blood were capable of intelligent thought, her platelets would be geniuses by now. Little does she know that studying for a blood test is about as useful as a beanie in a hurricane. But we do admire her willingness to better herself.
Yo mama may be as dumb as a wooden post (even if she isn't as thin as one), but at least she makes an effort to be educated. Still, don't you think it would be a better idea to, you know, tell her that studying for a blood test is dumb? Why not direct her educational pursuits to something that's more, Oh, we don't know, educational? Buy her a few textbooks, or something, just put an end to this blood test studying. It's pathetic.
It's never a good thing when you walk into a zoo, and the animals recognize you as one of them. If you want to know exactly what it's like, just ask yo mama. She knows the feeling.
It was the summer of '01. Yo mama was walking through the zoo with her friends. It started out pretty well. They looked at some giraffes. Everything was cool.
But when they walked past one of the elephant enclosure, all of the elephants started throwing peanuts at yo mama. At the monkey exhibit, several chimpanzees attempted to hand her a small bunch of bananas. The shenanigans didn't stop, even when they got to the reptile house, where a boa constrictor strangled a rat, then dropped it a yo mama's feet. The handlers said they had never seen anything like it. What can we say? Yo mama's an animal.
Yo mama's monetary status leaves something to be desired. She's poor, fam. She's destitute. She doesn't have a penny to her name. Her lack of wealth, combined with her lack of beauty, lack of intelligence, and lack of any redeeming quality whatsoever makes us wonder how she ever managed to hook up with yo daddy. Frankly, we don't know how it's possible that you exist. Yo parents must have been desperate.
Attention doesn't cost much, yet yo mama couldn't even afford to pay for that. You should discuss career options for yo mama. Maybe she could get a job doing . . . something. What kind of experience does yo mama have? Oh, that's right. None. Well, what sort of skills can yo mama put on her resume? Oh, right. She doesn't have any. Well, we tried.
It's not that people don't want to leave yo mama. Believe us, they would do anything to get away from her. She's awful. The problem is that no one can stand the thought of telling her goodbye. No one wants to entertain the possibility of having to kiss her on the cheek or hold her in their arms. She's that ugly.
This "no goodbyes" rule that yo mama and yo daddy have going on isn't working wonders for their relationship, like you might think it would. Because yo daddy refuses to kiss yo mama goodbye, they never have any time to themselves. As a result, they are really getting irritated with each other. Maybe, for their anniversary, you should buy them some sessions with a couple's therapist.
Yo mama's girth is as wide as a landscape, but it's not nearly as beautiful. She should keep her selfies to her self(ie).
We can only imagine how bad her waist-to-hip ratio must be. Her waist-to-chest ratio is probably just as bad. Face it, fam, yo mama is as big as a house. It's not healthy. And if we're being honest, it's not attractive.
Look, yo mama's weight is her own personal business. But would you please tell her that she is no longer allowed to use our phone to take her selfies? The last time she borrowed it, she ended up using all of our memory and breaking the screen. If she wants to capture the moment, she's going to have borrow a phone from someone else.
Harry Potter fans will recognize the names of four of the founders of the houses of Hogwarts—Godric Gryffindor, Helga Hufflepuff, Rowena Ravenclaw, and Salazar Slytherin. But did you know that there was a fifth Hogwarts founder? Yes, it's true. Her name was Perdita Pancake. She, like yo mama, was a large lady. As a result, she was never able to fit into the Hogwart's crest.
Perdita is often neglected in discussions of the history of Hogwarts, which is a shame, since she was every bit as amazing as the other, more famous founders. Perdita invented the warm syrup spell, as well as the coffee-refill spell. The melted butter jinx was another one of her remarkable accomplishments, and she devoted years of her life to creating a spell that would produce freshly-squeezed orange juice. Her accomplishments changed the way witches and wizards eat breakfast, and we couldn't be more grateful.
It could just be that yo mama returned that donut because she is so fat that she decided to ditch junk food in favor of a healthy diet. Maybe she knew the donut wasn't actually defective—she just wanted to start trying to lose weight. But you have to admit, that's not a very good joke. That sort of honest explanation isn't going to help you when your enemies start throwing shade, and that's the only comeback that you have in your arsenal.
Even though we mock her, deep down, we admire yo mama's attempts to lose weight and get healthy. We may laugh at her intelligence level via hilarious donut-based yo mama jokes, but that doesn't mean that we aren't inspired by her efforts to change.
Turns out "www" doesn't stand for "world wide web." It stands for "woefully weighty woman." We aren't sure why that is. Maybe it's because yo mama invented the internet.
Oh, but yo mama isn't smart enough to invent anything. And if by some miraculous chance yo mama really is the person who created the internet, then there isn't a doubt in our minds that it was an accident. Kind of like that time she dropped her peanut butter and jelly sandwich into one of her many vats of mayonnaise, then found out that this combination was delicious. Well, no, it wasn't delicious. It was disgusting. But, since yo mama is so fat, she ate it anyway. Are you sure that yo mama isn't actually a pig?
The next time a game is on, it wouldn't hurt to try to teach yo mama about the concept and the rules (that is, if she's not too stupid to understand it all). You don't have to start out by teaching her the ins and outs of football—you can start by explaining a sport that is easier to understand. Soccer, for instance, might be a simpler concept for yo mama's fragile mind to grasp. Baseball is also easy enough to understand. Basketball is fairly straightforward, too.
When you get into more complicated sports, like golf and tennis, you are undoubtedly going to have a tougher time getting yo mama to understand the rules. And unfortunately, we have no advice to give you to help you through those inevitable tribulations. Sorry, pal.
Well, it finally happened. To no one's surprise, Yo mama has finally hit rock bottom. She has lost all of her earthly possessions—which isn't saying that much, considering that her earthly possessions consisted of an old Diet Coke can, a smelly, rotted onion, and a semi-longish piece of string. Due to budget cuts, she had to downsize. All she has left, as a result, is her soda can.
The only thing that she can do now is give her empty soda can a human name, draw a face on it, and start talking to it like it has the capacity to form any kind of coherent thought. We're not sure why she hangs on to it. Well, actually, yes we are. It's because she's lost her damn mind. But still, it's soda-pressing.
This joke is a double whammy, because not only does it say that yo mama is stupid, but it also indicates that she is out of her mind. More to the point, it also illustrates the fact that yo mama knows full well that she is insane. Frankly, you're taking your life in your hands when you put yourself in the same room as her.
Yo mama may have completely lost her marbles. But she is yo mama, and you care about her (right?). You should talk to yo mama. Encourage her to discuss her emotions, and help her sort through her complicated mental issues. Persuade her to engage in weekly sessions with a licensed therapist. Yo mama won't be any less crazy as a result of these measures, but at least you'll be taking the proactive approach.
This isn't the first time that yo mama has gotten stuck in the bathtub. It happened last week, too. And the week before that. You know? This has been happening every week for a long time. You should do something about this. For yo mama's safety, you need to convince her that she should probably start taking showers, instead. It's getting to be pretty awkward, having to call the fire department to use the jaws of life to get her unstuck from the bathtub every seven days.
Considering yo mama's huge size, it might be better for everyone if you just hosed her off in the backyard. Well, we say that would be better for everyone. It certainly wouldn't be great for your neighbors, who would have to risk seeing yo mama's nakedness every time they look out of a window.
Does yo mama remember when the dinosaurs went extinct? What are we saying, of course she does! She's, like, thirty-thousand years old.
Yo mama is so old that she remembers when Father Time was born. Her skin is so wrinkly that she puts Shar Pei puppies to shame. Yo mama's hair is so many different shades of gray that she's getting her own R-rated movie trilogy.
At this point, considering all of yo mama's accomplishments, talking about how old yo mama is less of an insult and more of a compliment. She may be as old as the earth itself, but she certainly isn't useless. She's making great strides, setting new goals, and achieving them. Yo mama is a geriatric inspiration to every single one of us.
Shout out to yo mama for contributing to space exploration, even if it is because she's so dang fat.
Yes, truly yo mama is a hefty woman. Her body mass index is in the upper nineties. She is so extraordinarily fat that she makes space have gravity, which is a phenomenon that has NASA baffled. And her massive size has interfered with her ability to fulfill her dream of becoming an astronaut.
You need to have an intervention for yo mama. You should tell her that it's never too late to follow your fat-encrusted heart. Help her create an account on the Weight Watchers website. Take up walking, and water aerobics classes. It may take a few decades, but eventually yo mama will be able to enter into NASA's intensive astronaut training program.
If yo mama is a fat witch, then she should learn a weight loss spell. We aren't going to sit here and criticize the magical community. They've got some useful spells. They've covered levitation, disarmament, petrification, conjuring, etc. But if there is one criticism that we feel obliged to make it is this: there is no magic spell for producing a gastric bypass. Likewise, there is no "make dieting easier" jinx. What gives? Do witches and wizards not have issues with self control?
Look at all of the sweets that they have to contend with! There's chocolate frogs, and pumpkin pasties, and Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. We don't even want to know the caloric content of Butter Beer! How can they possibly stay so trim?
Yo mama has the face of a ghoul. She's got warts coming out of the wazoo, and don't even get us started on the nose and ear hair. Her complexion has a grayish tinge to it. Plus, she smells funny. On the whole, yo mama makes anyone who looks at her want to run away from her while gagging violently. On the bright side, she probably saves a fortune on Halloween costumes.
Yes, every day is Halloween when you're yo mama. She has the face of someone who is wearing a pimply wart hog mask, and she also has an affinity for candy. When she's not scaring children and terrifying the elderly with her horrible visage, she can be found eating her way through a bag full of fun-sized candy bars. Yo mama's got problems.
"Honey? Help me log onto the internet so I can find a walk-through for this Wii Fitness nonsense."
You know, cheat codes are not going to help yo mama lose her love handles. It sounds like she isn't really committed to losing weight, she just wants to play video games. If that is the case, maybe you should recommend that she trade in her Wii console in favor of a good old GameCube. Or maybe she would have more luck with a PlayStation.
Since yo mama is stupid, as well as fat, you will want to stay away from logic games. Anything that centers around problem-solving, deduction, and/or any level of intelligence is going to be difficult for her. You know what? This sounds like a lot of trouble. Maybe you should just give her the cheat codes for Wii Fitness.
We always knew yo mama was stupid, but this is a new low, even for her. Yo mama might want to grab a dictionary because it appears she's confusing weather with hot, spicy soups. Again.
Oh, but yo mama's weather-food confusion goes so much deeper than just going outside with dinnerware. She has now lost her ability to differentiate between the Food Network and the local weather station. She was watching Channel 4 News at 7 yesterday evening, and she got all excited because she thought Hell's Kitchen was coming on. This has gone beyond the realm of minor problem, and has reached the point of major crisis. This is a weird problem to have to deal with, brother. If we knew how to help you out, we would, but we are working in the dark on this one.
Sorry, dude. We were just joking when we used this yo mama joke the other day during our throw down. We didn't know yo mama would actually do it.
This is a somber day. We bow our heads in memory of yo mama. While she was neither clever, nor slight in figure, nor a beauty in her day, she did live for a hella long time. We, for one, respect that. We wouldn't go so far as to call it an accomplishment, but it is noteworthy, nevertheless. After all, it isn't everybody who can boast such a long, pointless life. But yo mama could. She was one in a million. *Wipes tear*
Anyway, if there's anything you need us to do for you, don't hesitate to ask. Sorry again about yo mama.
Look, yo mama's weight is her personal business. We won't tell you that she should lose weight (even though she should totally lose weight). But while we have your attention, we would like to ask you something: will you tell yo mama to stop walking past our house every morning? She keeps making us oversleep. All this sleeping in is making us late for work, and our boss has had it up to here with our tardiness.
Has anyone considered the possibility that this is the real reason why Alaska goes dark for two to three months every year? If scientists find out that yo mama is responsible for that phenomenon, she could take some serious flak for it. You better look into it now, before it's too late, and yo mama finds herself in court.
Yo mama's ugly. On a related note, that's also why yo mama's dog ran away when she was twelve. And you remember that time yo mama said someone stole her car? It left, too.
The fact that yo mama is so ugly also accounts for her having no friends and no job. Perhaps you should discuss the vast array of plastic surgery options that yo mama could choose from to help ease some of her ugliness. Or, if you are looking for a faster way to make yo mama less ugly, a paper bag over her head should do the trick. It's significantly cheaper, the down time is practically nonexistent, and the best part is the world won't be forced to look at yo mama anymore. Win-win.
Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time—haha, "time," get it? *Ahem* Well. Uh, anyway, even though we can't say enough bad things about yo mama, we have to admit one thing: that that woman is nothing if not efficient. No one knows the value of time the way yo mama does. She knows that every second matters, so she has become quite the multitasker.
After all, time is what it takes to turn a frozen, meat-filled crusty pie into a delicious, piping hot Hot Pocket. Minutes are what it takes to transform a pan full of eggs, cocoa powder, flour, and baking soda into a delicious chocolate cake.
So in essence, the reason yo mama is so determined to save time comes down to the fact that she likes to eat. Because yo mama is fat.
"Why, you insensitive bastard! You know full well that my mother suffers from an inner ear malformation, which causes her to have poor hand-eye coordination! I can't believe you went there!" — the guy who you used this merciless yo mama joke on.
If we're assuming that yo mama is everything that these yo mama jokes imply her to be, then not only is she stupid, fat, and ugly, but she is also a non-athlete. Yo mama is completely useless in every way, shape, and form. We can only guess that when they were passing out talents, yo mama was in the kitchen, looking in the fridge for something to eat.
We hope, for your sake, that you take after yo daddy. Heaven help you if you're like yo mama.
Between working her corner and being a gross and disappointing human being in general, how in the hell did yo mama find the time to pull her tramp self up onto a jumpoline in the first place?
This yo mama joke is cold-blooded, yo. You better really hate the guy you use this one on, because you don't call someone's mama a tramp unless you are burning bridges and cutting ties. This is not the kind of joke that gets tossed around in a healthy friendship (or, maybe it is? We wouldn't know, because we don't have any friends).
Anyway, this piece of shade comes with a warning label. Use it at your own risk, and know that we cannot be held liable for the events that unfold after dishing this yo mama joke.
Because yo mama's selfies are, well, yo mama's selfies, they have been understandably depressed. As a result, they have started to hang themselves, one by one. We would stop them, but then we would be forced to look at yo mama. So instead, we're just going to sit here and continue to make yo mama jokes.
As the child of yo mama, you are duty-bound to put an end to this madness. It is your responsibility as yo mama's son or daughter to convince her to stop taking selfies. No one ever likes them (whether they have been posted to Facebook or not), and you would be doing all of humanity a service by just taking her phone, camera, and selfie stick away from her.
Yo mama's so fat that when she talks to herself, it's a long distance call. You know, yo mama could save a bundle of cash by switching to Vonage. She should look into that.
Then again, if yo mama is talking to herself, that might be a sign of a declining mental state. So not only is yo mama so fat that she has to pay a substantial amount of money just to hold an entire conversation with herself, it also means that she is batsh*t insane. A fat crazy person is not the safest individual to be around, dude. If you are still living with yo mama, you should encourage her to seek counseling, and, perhaps, sign her up for some sessions with a personal trainer.
@causticbob Yo mama so fat, I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.— ويلسون (@Mbuucu) April 7, 2016
Yo mama put this guy in this position. However indirect her role in this poor fellow's injury may have been, she is still partially responsible for his predicament. Therefore, we hope yo mama has a well-fed bank account, because he is totally going to sue her as a result of this.
Additionally, when yo mama is so incredibly overweight that the very thought of her is enough to cause physical harm to other individuals, it's time for an intervention, don't you think? You should visit yo mama, fam. Tell her how much you love her, and how important it is to you that she stop eating an entire case of Twinkies and Cosmic Brownies for breakfast everyday. Help her embark on a new, healthy lifestyle. Yo mama's life depends on it.
Since you got your smarts from yo mama, it took you awhile to get through high school. College was a real pickle, too. Eventually, you came out on top, and now you have a stable, high-paying job with healthcare benefits and a retirement plan. Congratulations. We never thought the child of yo mama would turn out so well.
Now that you are doing well financially, you should buy yo mama some nice dinnerware. You can only wash those paper plates so many times before you start finding bits of them in your supper. And yeah, she may be a dumbo, but she's your dumbo. She was the dumbo who brought you into this world and raised you to become the unenviable schmuck that you are today. She deserves something nice.
Yo mama can read? Huh. We guess those three days that she went to school are finally paying off.
Making fun of someone's level of education is an easy line of attack. After all, how many times have you called somebody an idiot in traffic? How many times have you rolled your eyes at some moron in the grocery store? Because stupid people are everywhere, it's a reasonable assumption to assume that yo mama is one of them. So if you are looking to throw shade on the mental capacity of a fellow's mama, this is the perfect yo mama joke for you.
Additionally, this one involves M&Ms. So because it involves delicious, tiny chocolate candies, we think that is another check in the pros column for this little gem of a slam.