TheThings.com

We Hate Gwyneth Paltrow's 'Goop': 15 Reasons Why

What it's meant to be: a modern lifestyle brand that offers wellness advice, travel recommendations, and beauty tips. And here's what it REALLY is....

Since Gwyneth Paltrow first launched Goop in 2008, it has been the subject of controversy. Here's what it's meant to be: a modern lifestyle brand that offers wellness advice, travel recommendations, and beauty tips. And here's what it is really: strange advice, over-priced products, and confirmation that Paltrow is incredibly out of touch with what the average woman wants.

But then again, she's not the average woman. Truth be told, Paltrow is a celeb that most people love to hate, and she's ruffled more than a few feathers over the years for her pretentious actions and offensive comments. But, even if you love Paltrow as a person, it's going to be a tough task defending her awful lifestyle site. Below are 15 reasons why Goop is the absolute worst.

16 Bee Venom Therapy? WTF

Via Giphy.com

I know there are a lot of unconventional beauty treatments on the market, but bee venom therapy sounds like one of the least appealing. Paltrow recommends apitherapy, which is essentially an alternative medicine method that uses bee venom as a beauty treatment. Why? Well, it's supposed to help get rid of inflammation and scarring.

Paltrow wrote on her website that she had undergone bee venom therapy (the substance that is found in a bee's sting) for an old injury, and according to her, it disappeared. She then goes into a list of ways that this can benefit you. According to Paltrow, Frederique Keller, an acupuncturist says, "It's a complex substance with over sixty components, mainly proteins, enzymes, and peptides.”

She also explains that bee sting therapy has been used for "centuries" and that it uses real bee stings, but there is also apipuncture, in which bee venom is injected in select acupuncture points.

Now you have all the information, you know, just in case you're a sucker for pain.

15 No One (Except Rich People) Can Afford The Gift Guides

Like I said, Gwyneth Paltrow is not your average woman, and so it should come as no surprise that she doesn't realize what a normal person's budget looks like. After all, she's the same person who once famously stated, "I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year."

This is probably why Goop's 2016 gift list included a wonderful selection of overpriced products, all with product information descriptions that looked as though someone sat and created them with a thesaurus by their side. On this list was a Jayson Home leather bicycle with a price tag of $2,995.00, a special Goop linen apron, in collaboration with Calvin Klein, for $116 (why you have to cook in such a fancy apron is beyond me), and a Tetra Octahedron Table Lighter and Ashtray Set, which could be yours for just $1,250.00.

14 They Sell Jade Eggs To Put Up Your Lady Parts

Vox

Perhaps one of the biggest eye-roll inducing recommendations on the Goop site is the "jade eggs for your vagina" (sorry, yoni) which cost $66 a rock. The website had a post entitled, "Jade Eggs for Your Yoni," which discussed how jade eggs' "power to cleanse and clear make them ideal for spiritual detox." The post also went on to feature a Q&A with "beauty guru/healer/inspiration/friend" Shiva Rose.

Rose told readers that the benefits of using these rocks include helping to "cultivate sexual energy, clear chi pathways in the body, intensify femininity, and invigorate our life force." But other experts disagree. In fact, they think that you should avoid these products all together.

According to CNN, Jen Gunter, MD, who is an ob-gyn, warned against the jade eggs because they could actually cause infections. She said, "The stones are really porous, so I'm not sure how it could be cleaned or sterilized between uses," adding that bacteria could get lodged in the egg and inserted into the vagina every time it's used. Ewww.

13 Goop Is So Effing Out Of Touch

Via Lelo

The thing is, as much as Gwyneth Paltrow would like to think she's close to the "common woman," she's not. She's Gwyneth f*cking Paltrow, and it's about time she realized that instead of feeding her fans garbage which she thinks they can relate too.

I mentioned earlier that no one can afford her gift guides, but it's not just the fact that her lifestyle brand is so inaccessible that makes it the worst. Other reasons include the health advice she gives. For example, if you want to eat the healthiest chocolate truffles ever, then try Spirit Truffles, "The combination of spirit dust and hemp seeds." (I'm serious.)

And she also promotes absurd products, like for example, her sex toy recommendation list that is so completely out of touch. There's actually a LELO INEZ 24-carat dildo which costs $15,000. Who can afford these things? $15,000 for a sex toy? Oh and don't worry, it comes with a 10-year guarantee...

12 It Has The Worst Advice (Like Peeing In The Shower)

Via Giphy.com

Sorry, but I am not 5 years old and I do not need to pee in the shower. But according to the Goop website, peeing the shower has some wonderful benefits. In a blog post entitled "The Secrets of the Pelvic Floor" the site held a Q&A session with Lauren Roxburgh, who is described as Goop's "go-to fascia and structural integrative specialist."

She gave advice on how to do deep squats with heel support, and one of her recommended tips for pulling these off was to "Try peeing in the shower squatting down." Roxburgh continued, "When you squat to pee as opposed to sitting straight up on the toilet, you automatically engage your pelvic floor and it naturally strengthens and tones. Because your urethra is pointed straight down in this position all you have to do is relax for urine to flow out easily — as opposed to sitting up straight and having to strain to empty your bladder."

Um, so yeah, why use the toilet to urinate when you have a perfectly good shower?

11 Eating Solids Is Basically A Sin

Gwyneth Paltrow is in great shape, and she didn't get there from eating steaks and nachos. But her diet advice is pretty extreme. She's obsessed with detoxes...actually she's obsessed with you not eating anything at all.

Every year Goop publishes its annual detox plan, a clean-eating program that eliminates a lot of things from your diet. And I mean a lot. If you're planning to try it out, then expect to cut out gluten, caffeine, processed oils, butters, red meat, soy, dairy, alcohol, added sugar, shellfish, and nightshades. Writers at Health magazine —a well-respected publication that focuses on workouts, healthy living, and nutritious eating tips— tried out Paltrow's detox plan and the result: they were left feeling very hungry.

They also noted that the detox took a lot of meal prep time (not ideal for those who have a busy schedule).

10 No One Knows WTF Goop Experts Are Talking About

It may sound like I'm being very harsh about Goop, so let me start with a positive: the layout of the site is fantastic. But now back to the content, no one knows what the heck these "experts" are talking about half the time.

There are so many strange practices and objects found on this site that most people would never have heard of (or had the desire to try out), and in some ways, this is part of Goop's charm, because it really is...different. But this also makes it annoying. A fine example of this is Earthing, something Gwyneth Paltrow swears by.

According to Goop, earthing is essentially walking barefoot, which can have a number of benefits, including potentially curing insomnia and improving long-term, inflammation-related health disorders.

Here's what you do: kick off your shoes and get access "to the abundant supply of free electrons in the (subtly negatively charged) ground can help neutralize free radicals." Got it? No? neither do I!

9 Rich People Problems 101

This piece of Gwyneth Paltrow advice may make you roll your eyes at the actress and her rich girl problems. On the site, she decided to give people advice on...wait for it…'how to plan a yacht trip'...

The post was called "Affordable Sailing Trip: Yachts & Friends" and it noted how the company, Yachts & Friends offers a "surprisingly affordable yacht rental service." And to my delight, it actually does. The idea is for you and your friends to split the fare and travel on a yacht for a week, where "the skipper will take you anywhere you want to go, whether you're in the mood for water-skiing, the beach, a coastal meal, or a nightclub." And for an extra cost, you can get a hostess to cook, clean, and arrange reservations.

Dear Gwyneth Paltrow, most of us can't afford to hire out a private yacht for a week-long holiday (even if we are splitting the fare with friends) let alone the flights to get to Croatia.

8 It's Been Slammed By Truth In Advertising (TINA)

Another reason that Goop is the worst is because it's been the subject of complaints, including one by Truth In Advertising (TINA), who accused the site of having products which are deceptive and misleading to customers. According to reports, Truth In Advertising has reportedly found more than 50 instances where Goop allegedly made claims about products and how they could treat, cure, alleviate, or help to reduce various ailments (including depression and anxiety).

However, according to BuzzFeed, the nonprofit group's blog post reads, "The problem is that the company does not possess the competent and reliable scientific evidence required by law to make such claims."

Gwyneth Paltrow reacted to the comments and came to her company's defense during an appearance on Sophia Amoruso's Girlboss Radio podcast. She said that it "just isn't about us, because we're very clear about everything we're doing, we stand behind everything we do."

7 It (Reportedly) Didn't Have Much To Offer Shareholders

Via Giphy.com

Gwyneth Paltrow's company seems to be thriving now, and it's obviously found a market (even if it is a niche one), but business was not always booming. According to reports, there was a time when Goop was in serious trouble and had $1.6 million in debt.

In 2014, RadarOnline revealed that Goop had debts of $1,626,295 due to be paid in the coming year, up from just over $1,155,330 in the previous 12-month period. They also said that shareholders' funds had taken a knock. Despite the report that the company was making a loss in 2012, it seems investors were convinced there was still hope for the future.

According to a report, directors were confident that once the company started product sales it would provide enough resources for Goop to continue trading. Although, the recent allegations against the site may put a damper on these profits.

6 The Claim That Underwire Bras Cause Breast Cancer

Via Giphy.com

To add to the long list of claims that Goop has made, relish in the fact that they reported that underwire bras could be a cause of Breast Cancer. The post which discussed this issue was featured on Goop under the title "Could There Possibly Be a Link Between Underwire Bras and Breast Cancer??" and was penned by Dr. Habib Sadeghi, who, according to Business Insider, is not an oncologist but rather "a Doctor of Osteopathic Medicine at an integrative health center."

Dr. Sadeghi's post discusses how there has been a concern about underwire bras and whether they can magnify and sustain electromagnetic frequencies (EMF) and radiation. He states that "While the fact that your bra could absorb and intensify radiation seems preposterous, it's not as far-fetched as it sounds." A claim that according to other publications, including American Cancer Society, say has "no hard evidence."

5 It Recommends Vaginal Steaming

Via Giphy.com

I've survived on this planet for 20-something years without opting to steam my vagina, and I think I'm doing just fine. Also, scientists can absolutely confirm that the vagina cleans itself. That said, I'm no expert on women getting their lady bits steam cleaned in order to revive their energy levels, but Gwyneth Paltrow, on the other hand, knows all about this, and she decided to promote vaginal steaming on her lifestyle site.

In a post she urged her fans to try Tikkun Spa, which does vagina steams, something the actress is a big advocate of. She wrote, "We're burying the lede though, because the real golden ticket here is the Mugworth V-Steam: You sit on what is essentially a mini-throne, and a combination of infrared and mugwort steam cleanses your uterus, et al." I know what you're thinking: what the hell did I just read?

4 And There's Also Obvious, But Very Expensive, Tips

By this stage in our list, I think it's safe to say that Gwyneth Paltrow and her lifestyle site, Goop, promote a lot of strange products, but when she's not dealing with the questions we all ask ourselves everyday like "Do I need to detox my shower?" or "How do I take a great food photo on my iPhone?" she's offering everyone advice that they never would have guessed on their own. Like how to wear warm clothing during winter to ward off the cold.

One of her more out-of-touch moments came in 2014, when she wrote a newsletter detailing her Polar Vortex essentials. These included an Alexander Wang Beanie, Isabel Marant 'Owel' Coulour-Block Sweater, and Helmut Lang leather puffer jacket. Anyway, long story short, E! News added up all the clothing on her list and worked out the total to be $6,958.36. And that's for 12 items of clothing and a bag...

3 Paltrow Used Goop As A Way To Announce Her Separation

HAPPY 40th BIRTHDAY to the best daddy in the world!!! We 💖you so much!

A post shared by Gwyneth Paltrow (@gwynethpaltrow) on

We all know Gwyneth Paltrow is too good to use the word "divorce," so in 2014 she decided to announce that she and her (now former) husband, Chris Martin, would be "consciously uncoupling" —which basically means the exact same thing as divorce, just said in a more pretentious way. But Paltrow's choice of words is not the problem here, it's the fact that she choose to make the statement on her website.

Paltrow wrote a lengthy post about the sadness of her and Martin's decision to split, and it got so much traffic that it reportedly caused her website to crash. Here's the problem I have with that: Was she using the end of her relationship to drive traffic to her site, get it spoken about, and therefore create more profit? I don't know about you, but it sure as heck seems like it.

2

1 She Thinks Nail Polish Is A Summer Essential

Refinery29 pointed out that only Gwyneth Paltrow would give the advice to others that when you're headed on a weekend trip, one of your must have items should be a nail polish.

Nail polish? You're going away for two days and out of all the things that you could take with you, apparently an $18 bottle of nail polish is one of the absolute necessities. I mean, you know when you might need to d a quick "by-the-pool polish change."

Okay, so this is definitely not the most annoying thing that Paltrow has ever suggested on Goop, but it's proof—once again—how she just really doesn't understand what a necessity is to most people. Her priorities are so far out of sync with the rest of us, that it makes absolutely no sense for her to have an authoritative voice on anything related to women.

Give TheThings a Thumbs up!

Looking for an AD FREE EXPERIENCE on TheThings?

Get Your Free Access Now!

More in Lifestyle

We Hate Gwyneth Paltrow's 'Goop': 15 Reasons Why